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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be soooooo mad with OH about this

182 replies

73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 19:16

I work for the NHS. Can't currently go to my work place due to my health but am working from home and picking up a lot of extra work to reduce the load on colleagues. OH has not seemed to 'get it' re: the fact that I need not to be interrupted when at work. So we talked about what that actually meant and planned for him to remove anything he needs from the bedroom prior to my working day starting and asked him to send emails which I will respond to if I can whilst I am working (like normally happens and in preference to him coming into the bedroom).

I had a training event via zoom which finished at 7 today. He knew this as we'd discussed it a couple of days ago and I reminded him this morning. 6 pm he starts sending me texts and emails though I didn't notice them at the time. 6:15 he starts knocking on the door, coming in and starting to try to talk to me. I gestured for him to go away and pointed at the computer. He persisted. I gestured to computer more. He did leave but when the course finished I came down and said that he really can't interrupt as we'd already agreed. He wanted to tell me kids hadn't eaten (not sure why as he sorts out their meals every one of my working days) and he wanted to go for a cycle (kids are old enough for him to go out even if I'm working). He's acting all offended and I am feeling hugely disrespected. AIBU?

OP posts:
pinksauce · 16/04/2020 21:19

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Exactly so - but its not the workplace; so people at work in a family home or working with those who do will need to seriously adjust to different norms.

This has nothing to do with a pandemic , been doing it for years.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 16/04/2020 21:23

But what if your actual job entails discussing confidential information @pinksauce

Whether matters of a personal nature or those of a security matter?

Plus whilst folk have been doing it for years there is a difference when it’s mandated, and the tension if your other half is furloughed or not working... that’s the issue here. It’s not about WFH per se

lmcneil003 · 16/04/2020 21:28

@Saladmakesmesad
Husband interrupts one work meeting (taking place in his bedroom) so divorce him?! Jesus Christ...

But he knew full well that it was an important meeting, and he interrupted for a trivial reason. FFS the wife had given him plenty of warning.
People need boundaries in place

PS - it's not HIS bedroom either. He doesn't own it exclusively....

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 16/04/2020 21:28

My god there’s some overreaction in here. ‘Nasty and vile’? Good grief!
He sounds like he was being unreasonable interrupting especially given why he needed to talk to you, but commandeering the bedroom and refusing him access all day and insisting he email you (🤨) is also unreasonable. My partner and I also work in a field with a multitude of confidential information and are currently working from home and neither of us are acting like that.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 21:29

I've no idea why he had not fed the kids or was telling me that. He's been out since this incident, first exercising and now grocery shopping. Probably good to have some space right now! He is working too but the kids are 11 and 13 and very self sufficient so they are not making demands on his time. His work is 100 percent on the computer. He has never, ever spoken to a colleague. Just gets emails. This makes his work more flexible though still when he's working there is no expectation for him to do anything with the kids. They make their own lunch and do their own thing. I earn much more than him and this has not been a problem. I work 3 days (sometimes 4 days but not yet since we went into lockdown) so do more active stuff with the kids on my days off.

OP posts:
pinksauce · 16/04/2020 21:29

Discuss it via the keyboard - the other end of a remote connection has no idea how secure your environment is, so never safe to discuss confidentially.

It isn't mandated - if the role cannot be done from home (and lack of confidentiality could be such a reason) then people are entitled to go to work. Alternatively you adjust - and I've described how people adjust.

As long as it's not strictly confidential, which would mean the conversation never leaving 4 walls, it really cannot matter if unconnected people overhear in any case. If husband comes in, switch of video, goto mute and have a conversation - it's standard practice.

Its no drama.... just a new norm for those not used to it.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 21:33

ThatsNotMyMeerkat, I am genuinely interested to know how you manage that? If my OH comes into the room while I'm discussing confidential things, that's an IG breach and theoretically I could lose my professional registration for that.

The email is just so that I can respond when I am able. I can't have my personal phone on when at work so the same applies really when at home. It's not OK to have the phone interrupt a meeting with a distressed client either. I'm announcing when I come out for lunch in case he needs to get anything though I can't say in advance when that will be as my job requires more flexibility than that allows.

I guess the people saying it's a home first and foremost are suggesting that I go to a base to work then? I honestly can't see how else it could work if it's not OK to ask him to stay out of our bedroom for 27 ish hours a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 21:36

Hi pink. The conversations are strictly confidential. Colleagues have been rightly disciplined in the past for discussing such issues on the phone when they were in a public place.

I take your point about going to work but occ health have advised me not to as the NHS buildings I work in are too small and over-crowded to allow any social distancing at work and I am more vulnerable (though not shielded). Rock and a hard place I guess.

OP posts:
Thehop · 16/04/2020 21:36

He doesn’t see your job as being as important as his wants. Not okay.

Northernparent68 · 16/04/2020 21:42

He was being wet, but you do seem very full of yourself.

BlackForestCake · 16/04/2020 21:44

Zoom has had the largest market share of video conferencing software for going on a decade now. That would not be the case if it had security flaws. Most IT depts will base their policies on something more substantial than a baseless rumour repeated in a newspaper.

You are very, very naive.

Pluckedpencil · 16/04/2020 21:46

I can understand the confidential nature of your job and that people can call without warning. However I do think you being forced to work from home means something has to give here. E.g. there are points in the day when you leave your "workplace" to let family communicate with you if you are not checking phones or email. Surely just because someone phones doesn't mean you have to be instantaneously ready to talk about highly confidential things? You just say, please hold a second while I get myself into my home office so we can talk confidentially" or something like that?

Besom · 16/04/2020 21:50

I can't go in my bedroom all day because dh is asleep in it (night shift). I don"t go in at alll until he gets up. If I forgot something I need - tough. I can't see the difference between this and your situation really.

I also have confidential meetings from home now - not on zoom though. My 12 year old can manage to stay out the room if she knows I am working so not sure why your husband can't.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 21:53

Plucked. Yes I can do that but I'm not sure how that helps. My OH won't know whether I'm in such a confidential place or not. I can't leave the door open when not doing confidential work (well it's all confidential but if it's just on the computer that doesn't stop someone coming in) just because of the need to shut out house noises to concentrate.

how so Northern? I think I'm just normal for an NHSworker in terms of the expectation that we do not get interrupted by non-work stuff at work/ personal phones off etc. perhaps you meant something else though? it's not that I think I'm massively important or anything, it's just respect for the confidentiality of the information I am sharing. it's the client's info that's massively important if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 21:56

Thanks for the solidarity Besom! I think I am thinking along the same lines as you. It's a pain if he forgets something but we can plan together to try and make that not happen. I don't see it as the biggest deal and could accommodate his work in that way if needed.

When I think back he has consistently not got it when I was at work though. It just never caused such issues then. E.g. he might send me an email at 2 saying can you leave early to pick up kid from play date? And I'd not get out of meetings till 5 (too late to leave early) and might not check phone until 5:15 and then he's be grumpy about it. Not sure what is so hard to understand with the message that I don't have my phone at work. Call the reception if it's an emergency and they will find me.

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 16/04/2020 21:59

So your 11 and 13 year old don't disturb him whilst he is trying to work? And his job is not as important as yours?
I appreciate you need your time - but if he had been with the kids and trying to work I can see why he got a bit frustrated and threw his toys out of the pram.

Original poster
73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 22:04

No they don't disturb him. They really don't. He's always worked from home so we 'trained them' from young that if the door to the study is shut you leave Daddy alone. It's second nature to them now. He really was not looking after the kids any more than I was - other than cooking them dinner but we have a routine that he does it on my work days and I do it every other day and he doesn't start dinner usually until he's finished work.

I don't think his job is less important than mine. I didn't mean to say anything which sounded like that. He is doing some Covid related work at the moment so in many ways right now mine is much less important. I mentioned earnings as someone asked whether he treated my job as unimportant and I was just clarifying that that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
IPityThePontipines · 16/04/2020 22:04

@Pieceofpurplesky OP didn't say her job was more important than her husband's, but that it is less interruptible.

nettie434 · 16/04/2020 22:05

I don't think you are unreasonable as you had already reminded him that you were doing the training. The etiquette with working at home and in the office is exactly the same; if you go to speak to someone and find they are on the phone/video call and they gesture at their computer, then you know they can’t be interrupted. I also think it depends on who is doing the interrupting. I have a colleague whose two young children love to see who mummy is talking to. That is adorable. Another colleague’s cat joined a zoom meeting. Equally ‘Ah’ inducing. I would not expect to see a partner or another adult pop up however.

1forsorrow · 16/04/2020 22:07

Do you always work in an office with no interruptions? That seems strange to me, I always worked in busy offices and other people being around wouldn't be an issue. Obviously a training session or meeting is different but if you are doing other work would it really be a big deal if he needed to get something from the bedroom?

1forsorrow · 16/04/2020 22:13

Actually now I've read it all I don't know if I feel terribly happy about confidential meetings of NHS staff going on in someone's bedroom.

SmallChickBilly · 16/04/2020 22:13

Hold on - are you saying that he has an office? Where he is able to work uninterrupted from home whenever he needs to, accommodated and facilitated by you? But you are expected to work in the bedroom and be constantly interrupted so he can impart non-vital information during confidential calls?

Pieceofpurplesky · 16/04/2020 22:16

It's just with you saying he earned less and had no phone calls etc. and with being so annoyed with him - it hinted that you felt your job more important.

I still think you could cut him some slack and definitely not divorce him like a PP suggested! Have you spoken to him about what happened - maybe he had a bad day with the kids - for all the will and training in the world 11 and 13 year olds are not always perfect!

pictish · 16/04/2020 22:16

I know. It seems so cobbled together - which of course, it is!
Again will say...the environment is wrong for the task. It’s not a workplace for sensitive and/or confidential conversations. It’s a bedroom in someone’s house.

TealWater · 16/04/2020 22:19

YANBU It sounds like he thinks your job is less important than his, and as you're a woman you should just be able to.....up and leave work early to pick up kids. He sounds very sexist to me and doesn't take your work seriously. It's almost like he is being spiteful to prove a point.