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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be soooooo mad with OH about this

182 replies

73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 19:16

I work for the NHS. Can't currently go to my work place due to my health but am working from home and picking up a lot of extra work to reduce the load on colleagues. OH has not seemed to 'get it' re: the fact that I need not to be interrupted when at work. So we talked about what that actually meant and planned for him to remove anything he needs from the bedroom prior to my working day starting and asked him to send emails which I will respond to if I can whilst I am working (like normally happens and in preference to him coming into the bedroom).

I had a training event via zoom which finished at 7 today. He knew this as we'd discussed it a couple of days ago and I reminded him this morning. 6 pm he starts sending me texts and emails though I didn't notice them at the time. 6:15 he starts knocking on the door, coming in and starting to try to talk to me. I gestured for him to go away and pointed at the computer. He persisted. I gestured to computer more. He did leave but when the course finished I came down and said that he really can't interrupt as we'd already agreed. He wanted to tell me kids hadn't eaten (not sure why as he sorts out their meals every one of my working days) and he wanted to go for a cycle (kids are old enough for him to go out even if I'm working). He's acting all offended and I am feeling hugely disrespected. AIBU?

OP posts:

cdtaylornats · 17/04/2020 06:19

I can see the mirror thread to this.

I was shut in trhe bedroom with my DH watching the children and he went out on his bike and didn't tell me. Should I let him back in?

mathanxiety · 17/04/2020 06:20

So should she go through the whole circus again, ThatsNotMyMeerkat?

Set ground rules, that he nods to.
Tell him she will have training at a certain time.
Remind him she has the training at the time previously discussed.
Start the training.
Be barged in on for no reasonable reason whatsoever.

Should she be reasonable, as she has been before?

Or should she treat him like the manchild he is and make sure she won't ever again be accused of not communicating clearly...

There are still posters here who didn't see the description of the work from home conditions the H here enjoys - nobody goes near his door when it is shut and he is working on the other side.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2020 06:21

I was shut in trhe bedroom with my DH watching the children and he went out on his bike and didn't tell me. Should I let him back in?

The children are 11 and 13.

He didn't have to go out on his bike until she was finished with her training.

He should have been feeding them dinner and supervising them instead of skiving off on his bike.

JudyCoolibar · 17/04/2020 06:24

@rayoflightboy, you need to read the OP's posts. The children are already catering for themselves, he hasn't had them all day as he has been shut away in the study working, and OP is only working either three or four days a week anyway. There is nothing to stop him taking time to himself, the point is that there was no need to interrupt OP to tell her that he was going to.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:24

I cannot believe that people have the guts to call someone else's husband and dad, those swear words and various names. Yes, ok, he could have waited until you had finished your call,maybe he didn't realise. I think calling him names on here is far worse. Myself and my husband are both working from home and I wouldn't tell him go off out the bedroom, I cant be interrupted and email me if you need something. A marriage is not based on emails I completely understand and respect your whole job situation but there has ti be a happy medium. . . . . Saying that, my husbands job is more strenuous than mine (he runs 3 business and I promote only one on social media) and if he said look I am going to be super busy today, can you and the kids stay in the lounge whilst I work from the bedroom, where it's a bit more quieter, I wouldn't mind but would check in frequently and bring him food and drinks.In fact, we all stay in the lounge together, us and 4 kids, and if he does go on the phone to his employees then we all quickly scuttle off to the kitchen or bedrooms until he knocks on the wall that he has finished. I understand maybe your job is on the phone a lot, but you cant blame your husband for wanting some time to himself too albeit could have been a better time. But hey people do things without realising....

If you have been working all day in the bedroom, hes been with the kids and wants time to go off for the allowed hour of exercise. However, he should have arranged supper for the children , and waited till you were off phone or off computer training sesh. Talk to him about how you feel, but this isn't that bad. Have a wonderful weekend

mathanxiety · 17/04/2020 06:36

Hanamuslim, the husband gets the privilege of working full time from home and the children have been trained from an early age not to disturb him while he is at work, in the family home.

He expects this privilege for himself but will not extend it to his wife when it is her turn to work from home.

The respect goes one way in this family.
How is that the foundation for a good relationship?

He has not been with the 11 and 13 year old kids all day.
He has been working in his office undisturbed because that is the family rule.
Her job requires privacy as patient and colleague details are discussed by phone. People can't come and go bringing tea and biscuits. Privacy means working with her door shut and nobody barging in.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 06:36

A marriage is not based on emails I completely understand and respect your whole job situation but there has ti be a happy medium.

She is working. If she was working outside the house he wouldnt be able to wander in. He couldnt just call her and expect her to answer immediately.

The marriage isnt based on emails. She has asked him to use email during her working hours, because him coming in the room isnt ok. I know no one that thinks because they are married they can interrupt someones working day, for pointless reason.

It's not like she has asked him only to communicate through email all the time and never speak to her.

He gets time to himself. He wasnt in charge of the kids all day. They are older kids.

Parents should get time to themseleves. But it has to be done around things that just be dont there and then. He could have gone out on his bike. He didnt need to interrupt OP to do it.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 06:41

I wouldn't mind but would check in frequently and bring him food anddrinks

Even if he has asked you not to?

You would just ignore it and keep checking in?

Why do you need to check in? My job is extremely complex and when I am doing something, interrupting me (meaning I have to break concentration) means I would need to start over.

What exactly do you need to check on?

If he is fine with this, great. But OP isnt because of the nature of his job.

I would find it odd if dp kept having to come and check in, when I was in the same house.

verybritishproblems · 17/04/2020 06:45

I used to work from home a couple days a week before this pandemic and DH used to come home and wonder why the house chores weren’t done. Now he’s working from home too, he gets it! Your DH needs to realise when you’re working it’s like you’re out at the office and he shouldn’t bother you until you’re “back” 👍🏻

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2020 06:45

He's definitely unreasonable here
Does he usually need you to make basic decisions all the time? He could have just left you a note or sent one text to tell you what he was doing. It doesn't seem like he has much respect for you

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:50

@mathanxiety

Are you the op? How do you know he hasn't been with the children all day, or have i missed another post from the OP???

Yes you're spot on. Respect does go both ways and I did say he could have waited and held on until OP was off phone or computer and I totally understand that, hence why I said I understand your job and you need the space and quiet, of course. Not barging in with tea and biscuits, but I often bring my man things to eat and just wait till I know he is definitely not on phone. Otherwise he would starve.

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2020 06:52

Does he not know where the kitchen is Hana?

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:54

@Shitsgettingcrazy
Hiya, well I dont interrupt him while hes working, only if it's to ask him something important or to give him his lunch and so on. Majority of the time we are all in the lounge together, I let him crack on. I wouldn't disturb him if he was in mid of sending important emails or doing something important. However we do communicate throughout the day which is really good for us , we have a balance. He will even sometimes pause the work to talk about what the kids are doing and to have a tea break etc.

JudyCoolibar · 17/04/2020 06:55

Are you the op? How do you know he hasn't been with the children all day, or have i missed another post from the OP???

Yes, you have. Try reading all her posts.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:57

@Shoxfordian hahahaha. Yes he does. But I suppose I am more free than him atm. Hes the boss of 2 businesses. Hes constantly working and he doesn't sleep for more than 3 hours maximum. He is also a key worker in nights shifts. I'm happy to make him a sandwich or bowl if pasta while i am making the kids or mine. After all,he is working hard to a, provide for us, and b, get us a bigger house. So I am happy to cook all his meals. I am the better chef too, lol.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 06:58

@JudyCoolibar whoops, it is 5 pages and I just joined In the first and last . But thanks for letting me know cos I wouldn't have known otherwise. I did say that he could have waited and I said I understood her job, so it's all just about her talking to him and letting him know what's going on and so on.

Salmonpasta · 17/04/2020 07:00

You sound precious and self-absorbed.

Work somewhere else.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:01

@Shitsgettingcrazy oh I check in on him because he is my husband and his business is also a huge part of my life. He asks my opinion on a lot of things. And also asks me what I think of this and that and different things about the websites that he runs etc. I check in on him asking him if he is ok, does he wants a coffee or does he need my help on anything. I also work on one of his businesses doing promotions of products on social media. So we communicate that way also. Well it's mostly me whooping and cheering when I get over 20 likes on one post. Haha

PicsInRed · 17/04/2020 07:01

He's one of the men who sees your job as a hobby, not a job, vocation or career.

Basically, in his head, you're upstairs cross stitching on a rocking chair.

The only way to for this is for other men of status to judge him and make him feel silly. As per the PP with the CEO who asked to see the puppy her bored husband brought into a vital conference call. These guys unfortunately can't be convinced by their little woman's words.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:05

@Shitsgettingcrazy also I agree shouldn't be interrupting for pointless reasons. I did say he could have waited. Have a wonderful day

BadDaughter01 · 17/04/2020 07:09

If the kids know not to disturb their parents whilst they work, wtf doesn't OP's partner??

OP's work involves discussing confidential information which means her partner should stay out!

OP's partner obviously finished work earlier so why didn't he cook dinner? Why can't he go cycling after dinner?

NeighbourPooNameChange · 17/04/2020 07:09

I also think commandeering the bedroom all day three days a week and insisting you’re only contacted via email is a bit intrusive on the rest of your family and I agree with a pp that perhaps your home may be unsuitable for your type of work. How is your DH otherwise?

Where is he working and where are the children during the day?

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 07:10

@Hanamuslim how is anything that you posted applicable to the ops situation?

Dp doesnt get I put in my job. He would want my input on how he lays bricks. Why would he?

If you dh is happy with your set up, great. It's not applicable at all to OP.

You check on him because hhe is your husband? I dont even know what that means. He is an adult and if he needs something he can ask. But again, if he is happy with the set, great.

But because that works for you, it doesnt work for everyone and all jobs.

You said you wouldnt interrupt if he was ending important emails, how do you know what he is doing unless you have gone in. And OP asked exactly that. She has to take important calls and for him not to interrupt. Yet he did. She doesnt need his opinion, it was important.

Dp isnt working at all at the moment. So makes lunch, watches my kids (not his). He can manage it without popping in and out all the time.

He might ask if I want lunch. Bu text message and he knows I will answer when I can. When I get sometime where I dont need to do anything, I will go downstairs and spend time with him and the kids.

Plenty of people dont communicate with their spouses during their working day. Or just a text or 2. No need for anyone to keep checking in and having micro converstations all day.

If you want to to do that, great. That doesnt mean it works for everyone and every job or is the right way to it

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 17/04/2020 07:12

@mathanxiety
I would suggest a respectful conversation occurs. Because even if her husband is a bit of an idiot, what you are suggesting - screaming like a banshee, especially
In the context of what he actually did - would be defined as abuse on any other thread on here.
HTH.

smeerf · 17/04/2020 07:19

Sounds like a good solution to this is you using the study on your working days. Does it have a lock on the door?

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