To ask how you are supposed to discipline 16 year olds

[B1gL1ttleStar]

I really am at a loss.

Ds is rude, disrespectful and lazy. Will be doing ALevels next year and I foresee much laziness as regards school work and X Box time.

Dh helpfully said in front of him that it’s time to leave him to it and the parenting days are over. Ds keeps firing that at me now.

The polite suggestion that he do the small amount of homework he has been set today was met with rudeness, foul language, disrespect and the fact that my parenting days are apparently over.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. Dh doesn’t like the stress taking phone away as a punishment brings and says he’s an adult and it’s an infringement of his rights. He also says we should have nothing to do with school work or trying to get him off his xbox now. All in front of him. The consequences of him having no future is a big enough punishment apparently.

Seems to me that giving ds all day Xbox time and no consequences for not carrying out his responsibilities is ridiculous. Surely us working full time, cooking, cleaning and washing for him whilst he sits on his backside is educating him that you can put in zilch and get back everything.Surely at 16 you’re still learning and need guidance/ immediate consequences.Why should we fund him to do very little?

I have taken away phone and Xbox as punishments( when he swears at me ) which causes WW3. I have suggested during lock down he has 3/4 hours out of 16 hours away from screens and is off them by 10pm.Both of them say I’m a dictator.Apparently I’m a Hitler and doing it all wrong as regards discipline so with that in mind I’d like some proper guidance.

If you have a 16 to 18 year old in full time education what are your expectations and consequences re laziness and rudeness/ disrespect?

What are your expectations and consequences during lockdown/ holidays?

Anybody?

Firstly your main problem seems to be your husband. He is meant to support you but they both seem to be mocking you.

You wont get very far without his support.

Your DH is spineless and taking the easy route. He really needs to back you up.
Who pays the phone bill? Internet bill? Who brought the Xbox? Unless the answer is your ds I'd be cancelling things as he can apparently go it alone. Obviously he doesn't need you to buy his food, cook his meals, wash his clothes either does he. He can't have it both ways. Either he's independent or he's part of the family and contributes and follows the rules

Unfortunately he is at an age where you can't really discipline him any more. That said, if he's 16, you are entitled to kick him out of your home. The threat of being on the streets may focus his mind!

Laziness wrt school work I'm kinda with your husband, he fails his fault you cant force them they have to want it.

Wrt to rudeness that is unacceptable at any age and I would take the approach that if they are both so sure he is an adult and you are babying him and he can do what he wants then treat him like an adult. He can do all his own washing, ironing, food cooking etc. Also make sure you point out that seen he is living there for free you are actually doing him a massive favour because you dont know any adults who get to live for free.

Ok I get that and did lay that out last night with dh.

Still need some advice as to how to handle all the above before we ensure we are working together.

I do feel measures I’ve put in place would have worked with more support but need to be sure I’m not handling this all wrong. Want to get a good plan in place. It would be annoying if we worked hard at the wrong plan iykwim.

Treat him like an adult then. Demand rent. Lock up the food. Cancel or password restrict the wifi. Don’t do any washing or cleaning or cooking for him.

So your DH has just given up. Your DS deserves better than that.

An easy way to respond to the "parenting days are over" (apart from "No they're not") would be "fine". And from now on your ds can do 1/3 of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, meal planning. Oh, and he can pay 1/3 of the household bills, his own phone, etc. If he doesn't have the money now, you can start keeping an account and he can get a job when lockdown ends and pay you back out of that.

Really though, your problem is your dh. Wild guess: this isn't the first time he's undermined you in front of your ds.

My ds is 17. It's too old to worry about screen time. As long as he gets his schoolwork done on time I stay off his case. However, I wouldn't, and don't, put up with rudeness.

Foul language? Where does that come from. Dh and xbox are both not helping

@GrumpyHoonMain

AGREE AGREE AGREE AGREE AGREE AGREE.

I think I agree with @GrumpyHoonMain 😂

I did point all that out and ds said it’s law I have to look after him. Dh said it was cruel to threaten to kick him out. Ds smugly knows he’s as safe as houses on that score.

Thing is re work I don’t feel we should fund a school bus if he isn’t taking the course seriously. If we give him complete freedom with Xbox and phone he will literally do nothing. Are you supposed to not even nag re work? What is the point of nagging? He won’t be doing it if he has his Xbox and phone to hand and if you’re nagging it’s surely no better than restricting his phone? I really am confused. There are no parenting books out there for this age.

Agree with previous poster, your DH has given up and your son deserves better.

Look, my twins are 15 - boy and girl. Girl is great (she was an awful toddler so I think she got everything out her system then). Son was just amazing until he got to 14. He then started becoming lazy, disrespectful and unmotivated. The disrespectful part got nipped in the bud immediately - probably easier for us as he had always been good until this point and just needed a head wobble to remind him of our expectations and what we will or won't tolerate.
The laziness we are working on. I'm finding rewards work better than punishments.

Don't take the phone away but don't pay the bill if he's disrespectful. Turn off Wi-Fi or change the code. Sometimes you just need to reconnect with child, hard to do right now with world situation.

But your dh needs to get a backbone and put on a united front with you instead of undermining you. He's the bigger issue here.

In our house people either work (paid or school/college) or they leave. I'll support either option but doing nothing = been shown the door. I'm not suggesting that you chuck him out in the middle of a pandemic but I would make it very clear that lolling around on the xbox whist doing minimal work for A levels is not an option.

Well by the time mine were that age I was divorced so my way or the highway
They had an allowance which was pretty generous so were motivated not to lose it in return they had tasks each week and were clean and tidy on a day to day basis
I didn’t look over their shoulder re study though I’m with your DH on that one and I simply didn’t have the time or inclination to police screen time after 16
The rudeness though I had absolutely zero tolerance for and yes I would tell your DS since he’s now an independent adult he can take the whole package how ridiculous of your DH to have said that in front of him giving him that ammo

How does your son get on with your DH?

What are his grades like?

Do you discuss issues with your DH in private before you deal with your son?

When you row with your DS, do you fetch in your DH to try to resolve things according to your preference?

What would your DH say if he was posting on this thread? What would he say that you haven't said?

Your problem is your husband.

At 16 your son is not an adult. Presumably he still relies on you for money. Money and access to his phone and the WiFi should be conditional on basic courtesy, doing his homework and doing anything he is asked to do around the house with good grace.

Of course you should be on his back about school work. You are his parent and should not give up on him

To be bluntly honest DH and DS both need to know where the front door is and use it, and both keep walking. You are being undermined all the way.
As they say on here you have a DH problem.

Thank you so much for all this it’s really helpful.I do feel some of this has come from Dh. It’s very much good cop/ bad cop. We had very different upbringings. Maybe I’m too strict but at times I feel more and more pressure because I’m doing it alone.

I need some specifics re consequences for work not done, handed back for being not good enough, sitting on Xbox for hours when you know work needs to be done.... how do you handle it and what do we do? I’m being told all my methods are wrong, happy to try something else but he isn’t coming up with anything. 😩

DH said it was cruel to threaten to throw him out ? Oh dear he sounds like an equal size problem

you are entitled to kick him out of your home. The threat of being on the streets may focus his mind!

Such an unhelpful suggestion. Do you really think she's going to not allow him access to his home? At sixteen and with no job? In the middle of a global pandemic?

Any parent who can simply push their 16 year old who's still in full-time education out of the door and not give it a second thought - at any time, let alone now - is downright abusive IMO. Not to mention selfish. Who do you suggest looks after him? Pays for his rent, bills and food? The state? Or are you of the opinion that he'll waltz into a well-paid job with absolutely no qualifications?

Utter bloody nonsense.

Difficult age, my DS is 16 too. I'm trying to appeal to his better nature on screen time, as in, how do you feel when you've spent all day watching You Tube?! He does grudgingly agree. But I'm not policing it anymore, I do think he's too old. He is expected to go outside everyday and exercise, also pull his weight around house - washing up, keeping his room clean, putting his own washing on, cutting grass etc. If he doesn't, or if he's rude and aggressive, he gets phone or laptop taken away. Only gets treated like an adult if he acts like one.

Dies he actually own his phone or x box? Or your DH for that matter? Who pays for it? If you personally pay for them and they are in your personal name then take them and sell them. If he's an adult he can get his own phone contract and buy his own x box. Adults have to pay rent. If they dont the bailiffs come and take stuff to sell to cover the debt. He wants to be an adult, treat him like one. Stop washing and cooking for him. Cut his access to wifi off if you cant take his phone. He wants it, he contributes to the bill, either by money or by pulling his weight in the home. Dont give him money to go out (post lockdown obv) if he wants money, best be getting a job. Stop being such a pushover.

Regarding the school work, you just have to be clear that if he doesn't do it, he will not get where he wants to be in life. If he wants all the comforts of a home like you give him he will need to work for it. Beyond that I'd ignore the school work.
What does he do for money? I used to be given a set amount which I then had to use for everything I wanted, bar school uniform and shoes. I started working before I was 16 just part time and then my allowance stopped.
I would stop his allowance or stop his access to wifi, and his phone depending on who pays for what.
If he's so grown up he can completely look after himself.
I agree with other posters though that you have a dh problem, so it's no wonder your ds disrespect you because he watches your dh do the same.

I honestly think a lot of this is to do with laying the groundwork. I can’t believe one day a switch just flicked and he turned into a disrespectful little shit. There would have been a long build up to this, no doubt your husband showing your child how to be disrespectful to you.

Do you work? In your position, if I worked I would make sure I wax out the house for as long as possible looking after my own needs. Out with friends, at the gym etc etc. Let the fuckers look after themselves.