To ask how you are supposed to discipline 16 year olds

[B1gL1ttleStar]

I really am at a loss.

Ds is rude, disrespectful and lazy. Will be doing ALevels next year and I foresee much laziness as regards school work and X Box time.

Dh helpfully said in front of him that it’s time to leave him to it and the parenting days are over. Ds keeps firing that at me now.

The polite suggestion that he do the small amount of homework he has been set today was met with rudeness, foul language, disrespect and the fact that my parenting days are apparently over.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. Dh doesn’t like the stress taking phone away as a punishment brings and says he’s an adult and it’s an infringement of his rights. He also says we should have nothing to do with school work or trying to get him off his xbox now. All in front of him. The consequences of him having no future is a big enough punishment apparently.

Seems to me that giving ds all day Xbox time and no consequences for not carrying out his responsibilities is ridiculous. Surely us working full time, cooking, cleaning and washing for him whilst he sits on his backside is educating him that you can put in zilch and get back everything.Surely at 16 you’re still learning and need guidance/ immediate consequences.Why should we fund him to do very little?

I have taken away phone and Xbox as punishments( when he swears at me ) which causes WW3. I have suggested during lock down he has 3/4 hours out of 16 hours away from screens and is off them by 10pm.Both of them say I’m a dictator.Apparently I’m a Hitler and doing it all wrong as regards discipline so with that in mind I’d like some proper guidance.

If you have a 16 to 18 year old in full time education what are your expectations and consequences re laziness and rudeness/ disrespect?

What are your expectations and consequences during lockdown/ holidays?

I get that Blue but it just seems him having a high old time on his Xbox when we are paying ££££ for his bus. I also suspect he has a bit of an addiction surly most people would get bored and do what needs to be done. He’d be on it 24/7 if we let him.

Your husband sounds appalling. He has set the tone for this. He has given your son permission to verbally abuse you and ignore your authority. Unless your DH reverses this now, it’s going to become the new way of life.

I know this sounds drastic but I’d leave them both to it and move out. They deserve each other.

I suppose chucking both of them out is out of the question?

They are both treating you with a shocking level of disrespect, OP.

I've just read your initial post to my 16 year old daughter asked her what she thinks...

Her first response was that your husband sounds like a child, and takes about as much responsibility as the child. She also said that this week is the school holidays so it's different to other weeks, and that lockdown is different, to other times.

With our daughter (also year 11) (and our younger daughter in year 8), dh and I sat down at the start and negotiated some ground rules... we have agreed which chores the dc are doing to help us out around the home, we also established that term time, they will work 10-2 weekdays. This time was agreed with the dc, but apart from this their time is their own. With our 13 year old, we still have bedtimes and take her phone away at night, but for the 16 year old we allow her to manage her own time. So long as she does her chores, and keeps up with her schoolwork (she has been set prep for A level projects to complete), her time is her own. We don't monitor how long she is on her phone or what. We have found over the last week or so, she's started to spend more time of an evening downstairs watching tv with us.

So long as she acts like an adult, we treat her like an adult. However, if she acts like a child - is rude and disrespectful, that's when we confiscate her phone.

But I think your big problem is your dh. If he's not on board, then you're on a hiding to nothing. And I agree with the other posters who say that if he's not doing his fair share of chores / schoolwork, and tells you he's an adult, then leave him to do this own cooking / washing clothes etc. My daughter thought this was a good suggestion by other posters.

My daughter's no angel, and we have had our fair few fights with her... don't get me wrong, but I think at this age you need to negotiate with their better nature. She is also living on her phone, which drives me to distraction, but that's her only way of socialising with her friends, so whilst I'd like to see her using her time more productively, it's important for her mental health to just spend time chatting to her mates. They've even played board games via FaceTime. So I bite my tongue as that's how she's coping and I guess I have to respect that.

Sorry long post!

OP, you have my sympathy.

Your son is quite the pup isn't he, and certainly doesn't respect you.

His example of course is your waster of a husband.

Your husband doesn't care enough about you to see you're upset and want to support you, or care enough about you to tell your son "don't you speak to my wife like that".

I would cease appealing to either of them.

I would do make a conscious effort to withdraw from them both by not doing anything for either of them. Including shopping, meals, laundry.

Of course I accept this will take a determined person.

Somehow you have taught both of them that it's ok to treat you like this...and they have all the control.

It is quite likely that your son will blow his education despite your efforts.

Very hard to accept but it looks likely because he sounds like he is more like his father, than his mother.

I certainly wouldn't be funding anything belong to him.

This all comes from your husband, make no mistake.

Your son would not be this way if he had a better example in your husband, and the two of you united in what you expected of him.

Personally, I couldn't stomach a man who had so little respect for me and so little interest in our childs future.

Wishing you well OP.
It must be terribly upsetting to be treated so poorly in your home.

Honestly, your dh and son have no respect for you. Leave the dishes. Down tools. Do not make dinner. Do no washing or cooking for either of them. That is just disrespectful.

Your husband is an arse OP! I agree with grumpy and if your DS comes to you with anything 'parenty' send him to his Dad,saying you're not involved with things like that any longer .

He’s had 2 weeks off, it’s now school here.

If I could get Dh on board what would the best way of handling him be?

That's a big if, OP. How can you get him to see you differently and completely change his views on parenting?

Agree that if he wants to be an adult he's treated like one.

Maybe I should change too though. Dh says I was too aggressive over the kitchen. Ds refused to clear up and said he wasn’t going to. Could I have handled it better?

Dumping the gritty plates, seemed like a good idea at the time.

Sorry I meant dumping the plates in his room so I actually have space in the kitchen seemed like a good idea.

Don’t doubt yourself. You’re not asking for much and they are either ignoring you or laughing in your face. I hope you’re not still cooking or doing laundry for either of them. Just do your thing and pretend they don’t exist. Step back from any housework and read a nice book.

I think it was an understandable reaction! But, yes, best to avoid aggression. Which will take lots of deep breaths! Do the mental counting to ten. I wouldn't have been able to say anything constructive straight away, so I'd have left it an hour and then addressed it.

@PlanDeRaccordement Your brother is wrong- the guidance given to schools says to avoid using work set after lockdown started, but it's definitely not "by law", and schools could choose to ignore this part of the advice if they wanted.

Effort grades for the whole year could also be used to help decide a student's ranking within a grade, and that would be perfectly fine.

The idea is not to penalize students who are unable to complete work to a high standard at home, but they are still legally in education, and should be doing work as set by the school. If the school has a sixth form he hopes to go to, it's likely they'll set transition work and if he e.g. misses a grade in the summer, this could be used to decide whether to let him onto a course or not.

Just downing tools, unless the school have said this is ok, is not a good idea- and even then it will be hard to pick things back up in September!

Sorry, OP, I know this doesn't help you, but I thought it was important to correct the misinformation.

Your dh - in terms of parenting your son, expect nothing, write him out of your decision making.

Your son - no shouting at him or losing your rag, no telling him what to do. Treat him with respect. Ask him to do things. Don't nag. Don't threaten. Don't dish out punishments if he doesn't do what you ask. But don't bribe either. Carrots are better than sticks but should only be a very small part of your interactions. He won't do what you ask initially for the most part but if he does, convey in a non patronising way that you appreciate his effort. When he wants something, ask for some small thing in return. I personally would prioritise hygiene, then exercise, then tidying, then schoolwork, then off XBox.

You need to rebuild the relationship first and foremost and you can't do that while you're at loggerheads with him. You're not going to turn this around in days or even weeks. It presumably has taken months to build up and will take months to fix.

OP this was the wrong forum to post this in. The teenagers forum is not full of people demanding you threaten to chuck your 16 year old out onto the streets - such a stupid threat because unless you are a complete monster you are not going to do it.
Firstly the tension in your house must be unbearable and if your honest with yourself - you need to take some responsibility for that. Stop arguing with you ds and start talking to him - leave the room if you are becoming angry...you need to agree a way forward. He is swearing at you to hurt you...you need to stop the aggression his and yours. Having the last word is not important.
Our teens work on their A levels for 3-4 hours a day - I do not monitor this - there is no point in doing A levels if you can't self motivate - maybe your ds needs to change courses next year, lots of kids hate A levels - ask him what would help.
There's a list of chores on the fridge, cooking, cleaning and tidying they need to do some and tick the box and if they have not done enough - we make a deduction from their pocket money.

Firstly your main problem seems to be your husband

This.
I mean, what's this all about?!
He also says we should have nothing to do with school work or trying to get him off his xbox now. All in front of him
No wonder DS has got an attitude problem and thinks he can do what he likes if your husband is saying shit like that in front of him!

I feel your pain, though - I have a 16 year old refusing to do work and just wanting to do other stuff like Xbox
I turn it off at latest 10pm and he knows that's when it goes off.
Then take the controls away so that they're not there in the morning and he only gets them back if he does a bit of work.
Been known to change the wifi password if over obnoxious as well and not put it back into devices for a while.
Also been likened to Hitler but meh, don't care - can't just sit on there all day when got college work to do, even if doesn't want to do it.

Teenage boys for the most part need parenting by men - the men in their life need to step up. I would have a proper conversation with DH where you ask him to step up and lead on it and you will follow his direction.

I wouldnt bother policing the homework at all. I have a same age DS and some of the same issues. In our house DS needs to come down at 9-10pm and be with us and we watch something of his choosing together.

(Before Corona) he applied and got a Saturday job and occasionally he does some chores. Dont expect too much of them and pick your battles but do start with DH.

Turn off the WiFi. Take away the gaming systems. Basically the 2020 standards.

Living at home rent free is contingent on being a student in my mind, so I might also start charging rent if he won’t do his work.

How can you charge a16 year old rent if they are not working - how is that going to pan out? Another empty threat?

Purpleartichoke do you have a teenage boy in the house? Why would you set yourself up for a massive fight like that with a child that is basically the same size as you? What would you gain? Everyone would be unhappy.