To ask how you are supposed to discipline 16 year olds

[B1gL1ttleStar]

I really am at a loss.

Ds is rude, disrespectful and lazy. Will be doing ALevels next year and I foresee much laziness as regards school work and X Box time.

Dh helpfully said in front of him that it’s time to leave him to it and the parenting days are over. Ds keeps firing that at me now.

The polite suggestion that he do the small amount of homework he has been set today was met with rudeness, foul language, disrespect and the fact that my parenting days are apparently over.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. Dh doesn’t like the stress taking phone away as a punishment brings and says he’s an adult and it’s an infringement of his rights. He also says we should have nothing to do with school work or trying to get him off his xbox now. All in front of him. The consequences of him having no future is a big enough punishment apparently.

Seems to me that giving ds all day Xbox time and no consequences for not carrying out his responsibilities is ridiculous. Surely us working full time, cooking, cleaning and washing for him whilst he sits on his backside is educating him that you can put in zilch and get back everything.Surely at 16 you’re still learning and need guidance/ immediate consequences.Why should we fund him to do very little?

I have taken away phone and Xbox as punishments( when he swears at me ) which causes WW3. I have suggested during lock down he has 3/4 hours out of 16 hours away from screens and is off them by 10pm.Both of them say I’m a dictator.Apparently I’m a Hitler and doing it all wrong as regards discipline so with that in mind I’d like some proper guidance.

If you have a 16 to 18 year old in full time education what are your expectations and consequences re laziness and rudeness/ disrespect?

What are your expectations and consequences during lockdown/ holidays?

Lot's of good advice swirling around here. One thing that's worked for us is to just choose one issue to focus on. It sounds like you're being driven crazy by school work, endless x-box, late nights, rudeness, not cleaning up after himself etc etc. You can't fix all of those, and trying to do so just means you're constantly nagging him and are (understandably) wound up. So you might want to focus on the ONE that is most important, and let the rest go, for now. If it were me, it would be cleaning up after himself - your house is not a hotel; surely your husband can back you on this one.

I don't think you do 'discipline' a 16-year-old. I think by 16, the aim is, rather than having a reasonably well-behaved child, to be honing his skills as a civilised adult.

I reduced punishment after the end of primary school, in favour of talking the the DC about what sort of people they thought they should be. For me, disrespecting another human being is an absolute no-no. Why would you allow someone to swear at you? If a stranger swears at me I challenge them; I would certainly challenge every time it happened in my own home. I'd want to know what he thinks I have provided in his life and why that leads him to think it's OK to speak to me like that. I wouldn't raise my voice: I always speak to other people as I expect them to speak to me - calmly and politely. If you've been modelling that for the last 16 years you can ask him why he gets to treat people worse than you treat him.

Again, making a contribution around the house is imperative. I would be saying things like 'would you unload the dishwasher while I'm peeling the potatoes', which points out, nonconfrontationally, that we are all playing a part in keeping home running smoothly. Any dissent would be met by me putting down the potato-peeler, facing the DC and asking why on earth he would think that other people should be waiting on him with no input from himself.

I would ask him what he thinks the consequences for his poor behaviour should be. If he thinks his behaviour is fine and does not co-operate with you, I think the only thing you can do is stop co-operating with him. Not punishment, you simply don't do anything for him until he accepts that he has equal responsibility to keep the home going, being no longer a child.

As for school work, as someone with a DC who just couldn't see the point of it, with results that reflected that, I could only ask what sort of life he would like to have, how he thinks he can achieve that, and then leave him to it. Luckily, these days, it's possible to sort out poor grades in later life - opportunities exist to replace missed education. It may not be as easy as simply taking advantage of school, but it's never too late.

And as for your DH, while I sort of agree with him about the school work being DS's issue, I think you need to ask both yourself and him why he is standing by while DS treats you so inappropriately. He is the role model for a decent adult male and DS will be learning how to treat the people in his life, specially the Significant Other, from him. And you all need to be in no doubt that, notwithstanding people in exceptional circumstances, 16 is not an adult. An under-18 cannot legally enter into the sort of contract that is necessary to live day-to-day life.

What really comes across on this page is the impression that people don’t like their young adults!
Presumably the ds in question has just had his GCSES cancelled? So that’s two years work pretty much wasted in his eyes. No wonder studying isn’t a high priority right now! I think this is a really difficult time for our young people, they’re being asked to make some pretty big sacrifices, their lives have completely changed, and they really have no control over any of it. We need to offer them the grace we would like others to offer us. Not draconian punishments. The idea of confiscating a bedroom door shocks me, and the level of control around eg screen time baffles me.
Not aiming this just at OP (who clearly has more of a DH problem than a DS problem) but at some of the general comments.

My dd is still studying and submitting work, even during the holidays.
i suppose it's hard if they've been told that recent work won't count.
What about him starting some research for his A level subjects, and doing bits of chores throughout the house.
I think they need to keep routine, so up and at it first thing in the morning.
We try to do something at night together, even if it's watching a film, playing cards, etc.
I think if it comes to having to turn wifi off, threaten, and take things away, you've left the parenting a bit late it should never get to this stage.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I’m trying to wade though it all. Just to say I have been proactive re screens so it isn’t a case of you reap what you sow.

Very open to the wi fi thing and tried talking to Dh today about it but he was dismissive and ended up shouting at me due to the fact I have ds’s phone and Xbox saying I’m cruel at trying to isolate him during lockdown. I have them because ds called me a c*t and a dumb bitch a few days ago and yesterday( I was making him get off the Xbox after several hours). He told me to f*k off today due to me saying he needs to do everything himself.Dh knows but has done nothing re consequences. I’m open to alternative consequences but he has suggested nothing. I simply said if we can’t sort out a system for me to stop his Xbox and phone usage when he’s disrespectful maybe I’d have to cut the plug off. Sounds dramatic but honestly I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m on my own as usual. He doesn’t get angry at him ever not even when he has used such awful language. He shouts at me though and uses the f word. I don’t understand why I invoke such anger when trying to sort my son out but ds behaving appallingly gets zero reaction. He’s just been chatting to him in a chummy fashion as if nothing has happened after shouting at me when I was trying to explain what he’d done(again) and why we needed to sort something out. Apparently me refusing to do anything for ds is behaving like a petulant teenager according to Dh( helpfully said in front of him). I have a strong suspicion that whatever I do I will be made out to be the bad guy.

So I need to know what to do with his phone. We pay for a contract for all phones .Apparently ds says he’ll just pay £10 a month himself for unlimited data if we do anything. I suggested stopping pocket money(£20 a month) so he can’t do that but it probably won’t work out ever if we had to. We bought the phone as a present so apparently I have no right to remove it. If you have an ideas I’d be grateful.

Re Xbox and WiFi what do I do to restrict that? How do I do it?

Just feeling really crap and useless. All I want is to try and sort something out to ensure my son isn’t rude, disrespectful and on Xbox/phone 24/7 when he should be working.

Trying to do something nice won’t work as he seems to hate me and doesn’t even want to speak to me. Some of that I think is due to me always me being bad cop and giving consequences never Dh and him hearing Dh belittling what I suggest/ try and shouting at me whilst blaming me and sticking up for ds. I hold my hand up and admit I’ve probably not handled things the best at times but I feel desperate for support and have asked for it over and again . It’s really stressful. If he stepped up I could step back.

I think I need to face facts that I need to find a system I can administer on my own preferably one that won’t involve ds hating me.

I've got a 16 year old. He has effectively left school. Schools cannot disadvantage a student in terms of grades if they are unable to complete any work after schools closed. My son is doing no schoolwork at all and I'm not making him.

I'm letting him deal with lockdown in whatever way helps him to cope whether that be playing his piano, watching youtube/DisneyPLus, Minecraft, whatever or snap chatting his friends.

Our rules during lockdown is that he has to get dressed every day, eat three meals with us, keep his room sort of tidy and contribute to the family (me and dh are working from home) by helping do the dishes at night and walking the dog once a day.

Why do you want to limit xbox and phone for your adult son? I just don't understand why you would want to do that. It's like you are deliberaty trying to goad him into being rude to you, to get a reaction to him. Why you very to have so much control of your 16 year old?

Because school have given him work to do and I think 16 hours a day solid on an Xbox isn’t good for him.

I don’t think he’s an adult at 16. Certainly doesn’t seem to act like one

Honestly you are going to have to let go the reins a little bit. You can advise him but not control. You may not think that 16 hours on an xbox is not good, and it isn't, but your current strategy isn't working. He needs to discover things for himself, and he can't do that if you are infantalising him.

How is saying you don’t get to do zilch when you have responsibilities infantilising him? He is already acting like a child. He has work to do and spending that long on his Xbox will make him ill. Why should we fork out bus fares and everything else if he refuses to do what is expected on his courses? His actions are harming him, as a parent I should be dealing with it.

My current strategy was requesting he get off his Xbox at 10.30. He was then rude and disrespectful so he lost his gadgets.

In normal (non lock down) conditions where is your DH? Is he at work all day and you at home? If you are at home more at that point perhaps you can try and get through to your son more without him undermining you. It seems like you're going to be fighting a losing battle now with DH and him both teamed up like that. It's not good for him to he playing games all day but these are unprecedented times and perhaps you'll have to let it go for now. I'd seriously be considering whether it's worth you staying with your DH though he sounds very disrespectful. Maybe once college is back on you should LTB and try and rebuild the relationship with your son. Sorry you're going through such a hard time x

When this is over, ditch your DH. He's the problem.

You will never fix this with your DH around. He won't let you.

How are your finances organised? Do you own/rent? Do you both work?

If your dh is saying nothing when youre 16 year old son calls you a cunt and a dumb bitch he no longer loves you I'm so sorry but there is no way that is acceptable

Your H refuses to say anything when your son calls you names, and swears at you himself?

Your problems are so much bigger than an unruly son. Your H isn't on your side, I'm so sorry.

Is there anywhere you can go? Even just a week, leave them to their own filth? Let them clear up after themselves?

You deserve so much more than this pair of ungrateful, selfish horrors. And if you leave them to their own devices, maybe you can find that more.

He called you a c-word?

And your DH is supporting this? Shame on both of them.

Can you leave now? Just pack a bag and go to family or a friend for a few weeks or months? There is no point in being with either of them. Your DH is role-modelling a terrible set of behaviours to his son and treating you with utter contempt. You deserve so much better.

Oh, and take change the WiFi and cut the plugs off before you go.

Dh didn’t hear it,I told him about it after. He then allegedly didn’t hear the F off but he was in the same room.To be fair I probably just got on and dealt with the former like I normally have to. When I tell him things he just does a weak sigh and says Ds you can’t talk like that. That is the most he does.

Do you think it is goading taking the Xbox at 10? Is it infantilising saying he needs to do the work set?

I am honestly confused and don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

It sounds like your dh is just as disrespectful and your son is copying what he sees. I hate to say this but I think if your dh is not on board this is never going to work . You need to give serious consideration to your circumstances. It comes across that you can't do anything right in their eyes and are receiving awful verbal and emotional abuse. They've essentially teamed up against you. There certainly doesn't seem to be an awful lot of affection and appreciation coming your way. When you can, I suggest you take some time out and leave them to it. Sometimes people need to find their own way even if they're just 16 . Your dh doesn't sound much older in his attitude than your son.

Just leave them. It’s no life. Why should you have the responsibility to fix two people who are abusive and couldn’t care less?

ds says by law i have to look after him

Can't you move out of the family home at 16?

OP have you read the replies on here? Really read them? How many have written that your problem is your DH? How many have pointed out that your DS is simply mimicking your DH? Are you open to the possibility that the issue isn't your DS at all?

I know Dh is partly to blame but surely I can do something to help ds or we could work together? If I knew what we were supposed to be doing together it would help. I don’t think he knows to be honest and just doesn’t bother doing anything.

You do need to stop nagging on the schoolwork side, it is hard, but it is up to him now. If he stuffs up the next few months, it really won't be the end of the world and the best way for teenagers and young adults to learn these life skills is through their own experience.

As someone else has said, try and sit down with him when you are calmer and have a conversation and listen to him properly. Start it off by saying something like "We've got into a bit of a pickle, it's making me feel bad and I bet you aren't feeling great, either" and see where it goes.

You're aiming for a better relationship and more peace in your house, so keep that in mind.

If he's generally been a good kid, then he will weather these horrible years and come out OK.

If you can calmly listen to him and understand what's going on with him, he's going to be more likely to listen to what you are worried about, or how it makes you feel when he is rude or expects to be cleared up after.

Just to keep on imposing punishments is going to keep you at loggerheads. You need to reach an understanding.

What should I do about the Xbox though? It just doesn’t seem right letting him sit on it 16 hours a day solid when he knows full well he should be doing work. I sort of feel like fine screw up your life but you don’t get the pleasure of playing games all day whilst others in the family are working to support you iykwim.

Get a koala box

It attaches to the WiFi box and has its own password- the only one he’s allowed.

Then on your phone you control his access, time, sites allowed, you can put it on homework mode, set time aid day etc

Each person has a list of devices and can be controlled in this manner