To ask how you are supposed to discipline 16 year olds

[B1gL1ttleStar]

I really am at a loss.

Ds is rude, disrespectful and lazy. Will be doing ALevels next year and I foresee much laziness as regards school work and X Box time.

Dh helpfully said in front of him that it’s time to leave him to it and the parenting days are over. Ds keeps firing that at me now.

The polite suggestion that he do the small amount of homework he has been set today was met with rudeness, foul language, disrespect and the fact that my parenting days are apparently over.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. Dh doesn’t like the stress taking phone away as a punishment brings and says he’s an adult and it’s an infringement of his rights. He also says we should have nothing to do with school work or trying to get him off his xbox now. All in front of him. The consequences of him having no future is a big enough punishment apparently.

Seems to me that giving ds all day Xbox time and no consequences for not carrying out his responsibilities is ridiculous. Surely us working full time, cooking, cleaning and washing for him whilst he sits on his backside is educating him that you can put in zilch and get back everything.Surely at 16 you’re still learning and need guidance/ immediate consequences.Why should we fund him to do very little?

I have taken away phone and Xbox as punishments( when he swears at me ) which causes WW3. I have suggested during lock down he has 3/4 hours out of 16 hours away from screens and is off them by 10pm.Both of them say I’m a dictator.Apparently I’m a Hitler and doing it all wrong as regards discipline so with that in mind I’d like some proper guidance.

If you have a 16 to 18 year old in full time education what are your expectations and consequences re laziness and rudeness/ disrespect?

What are your expectations and consequences during lockdown/ holidays?

Basic stuff like food to be provided for, but no more washing or pocket money. No more paying for mobiles or video games; he can get a job. I find teenagers often grow up a fair bit once they have a part time job, as bosses won't put up with what parents and teachers will.

Outside of lockdown of course (this will be over one day).

Sorry OP but I’m reminded of that period of parenting now and relieved it’s behind me !

Your husband needs to stop discussing disagreements on parenting your son infront of him for a start, neither approach is going to work if your son knows that the other parent disagrees with whatever parenting approach is being taken.

Your husband seems to want it both ways, to treat him as an adult ie no punishments etc but still look after him as a child. I think you need to pick one. Ie he is an adult and responsible for his own choices but that includes doing his own washing and cooking etc and contributing to the house eg chores if he wants whatever money you give him. Or he gets that all done for him but has to abide with rules around screen time and homework etc.

But rudeness such as swearing should not be tolerated at all, I wouldn't take that from an adult or a child, you have rights as well (actual rights, not the 'human right' to have phone and wifi paid for) and that includes not to be abused physically or mentally

Need some fresh air, will be back and will answer all these questions.

Had a big row. I have asked for back up but he sides with ds. He meekly sits there when ds is rude. I have said at times are you not going to say anything? He then shouts at me and says I’ve caused it, he’s busy. Examples are if I have asked if a piece of work has been done or said 2/3 times it’s time to get off x box at 10.30 and have then erupted saying NOW!

We have argued in front of ds. I say can we discuss this in private but he just carries on arguing in front of him.

I don’t know what to do and feel I’ve failed ds. I want to resolve this.

Maybe I’m too strict but at times I feel more and more pressure because I’m doing it alone.

Once again, do you discuss parenting decisions with your DH first, or do you simply expect him to fall in line with your tactics when a row blows up?

Because there are two possibilities here. One is that your DH is indeed spineless.

But there is another: that you're being wrongheaded, picking fights where they achieve nothing, and expecting unconditional support without his input, and perhaps he's simply had a gutsful.

Which is it?

Xbox at weekends only.

If they do their fair share of chores and put effort and time into schoolwork.

I have a 17 year old. He went to college at 16, and they made it quite clear that it was on him, not me. So deadlines / revision were down to him. If he was off he needed to mark himself absent, but if his attendance dropped below a certain point he lost his bursary / EMA.
I don’t monitor his screen time.
He doesn’t have a curfew.
Everyone in the house has allocated chores, and those are pretty non negotiable.
When his bedroom got in a total state, I did give him the choice: keep it at a decent standard and continue living rent free, or live in a pit but pay rent, and a week to make a decision. (He chose the former!)
I don’t tolerate rudeness / foul language, but that applies to all of us, and is something I’ve cultivated over time. I think it would be a hard cycle to get out of once you’re in it. (Sorry.)
I’m a single mum though, so he’s not having that sort of testosterone driven thing that often happens between fathers and sons when the sons begin to become men. (Although it does come out a bit in his relationship with his younger brother.)

Unfortunately your husband has set you up for failure there and unless he is on board you won't get anywhere.

If it's time for him to make his own decisions then it's time for him to do everything for himself. Don't cook, clean or do any washing up for him.
Really I'd like to lump your husband in with that until he feels he can be part of your team again.

It's hard to push a teenager to do anything and consequences don't always work. Right now during quarantine it's do what it takes to survive and if that means giving up on the homework to save you from resenting your husband and son that might be your best option.

I have 15 and recently turned 19 year olds. Saying the parenting days are over is ridiculous. They need discipline and certainly guidance for some years to come ! At 16 they probably won't think about their actions affecting their future so need that guidance. You and your husband must be united though as otherwise won't work. Sounds like your dh is taking the easy way out.
I.dont remove gadgets from my.eldest now but at 19 even he needs some parental guidance! They are not a fully functioning adult at 16 or 18.

I think your husband has something of a point from the perspective of you can't really discipline a 16 year old. Agree with grumpy, treat him as an adult. Both to prove a point to him but also, perhaps if you treat him less like a child (which he isn't) it would help. It sounds like you treat him like a child, and he acts like one in response

It really depends on the child. My DS had this attitude too that my days of parenting were over and I did despair at him spending all day sleeping or on his Xbox. What I didn't know though was that when I went to bed is when he started to study. 8 was gobsmacked when he came downstairs one day with his laptop and showed me the number of GCSEs questions he'd done online. He started telling me about which website he was using, showing be his flash cards. I had no idea that he was doing any work/revision.

He ended up doing extremely well in his GCSEs above his expected levels. It turned out that it was the same with most his friends, despairing parents thinking their kids were doing no work. Saying that, my ds was always quite studious and doing well at school.

I now totally leave him to it and trust him to get on with what he needs to do. Our relationship is brilliant now and he is the one who comes to me to discuss things and share his concerns.

Some 16 years old need a baton to get the best of them, others need trust.

Agree with other posters, the problem is your husband and I would not be putting up with it. Regarding your son, I would give him the chance to behave like an adult - complete all school work set, 1/3 of cooking, housework etc or if he wasn't prepared to do that I would change the wifi password and cancel his phone contract. You need your husbands support though or it will be impossible - I think in your situation I would leave them both to it and go stay somewhere else for the rest of lockdown

OP I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your DS and I can sympathise in many respects as I'm having similar issues with my DS 15. He sees me a public enemy number one and everything I say to him he seems to take as a direct challenge and wants to argue. I hate it and it makes me sad and I feel like a total failure. Screen time is the main issue and although his time is limited I do notice a distinct change in his personality when he comes off it. He is rude, aggressive, short tempered and thoroughly grumpy, I wish I could throw the bloody Xbox out of the window!!
I have a great relationship with DD (18) and DS begrudges that but doesn't see that their behaviour towards me is different in any way. I'm literally banging my head against the wall and am at a loss at to how to improve our relationship. To his credit he does apply himself to his school work and is doing well so I'm lucky in that respect

Your DH doesn't respect you. Personally I would just leave your DH and DS to sort out their own cooking, cleaning, etc. Someone needs to grow a backbone and that person may have to be you.

I do sort of agree with your dh, your ds is 16 and needs to take responsibility for his own homework and studying, you can’t force him to do it. With both of ours we explained that if they want to get anywhere in life they need to work hard at school or it will make things more difficult later in life, we have explained that what they put in they will reap. So we leave them to time manage their own studying, homework and relaxation time., screen time and sleep. So far so good, it did take awhile at the beginning for ds to realise he needed more sleep than he was getting.

However the rudeness, backchat and being disrespectful is not on and your dh talking about parenting in front of your son isn’t helping. You both need to chat without ds being there to set expectations that are manageable for you both to parent together. A united front always works, so compromise is needed on both sides.

If you're parenting days are over stop washing for him, don't touch his room.Tell him that you will give him food and a roof over his head until he's 18 and then only help as long he he's in education.
As an adult in the house he should be doing his share of housework,chores.
As yes,he made need to start to fail in his next step with him taking the consequences
Try(it's hard ) to leave him to it and walk away when he is rude and use those well worn words,ask your father.
I think after GCSEs you get 3 years free education so if he messed up in his first year all is not lost.

I would be tempted to clarify "yes as you are 16 my parenting days should be over, but as you continue to act like a child I will have to treat you like one." Then do whatever you've been doing - remove xbox, phone, dock pocket money etc. Explain to him when he starts speaking to you respectfully, like you would expect from an adult, he will get his "adult" autonomy back (ie the right to decide how much time he spends on xbox, more financial freedom etc).

With regards to college work I agree with pp that he has to motivate himself for his own future - it's not on you, it's 100% on him.

The rudeness and disrespect though, no way should you accept that. And tell him in front of DH in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with it even if DH wants to!

I bought a router with a really good phone app. I can just pick up my phone & block devices from connecting, limit bandwidth or change connection passwords. My teens always do their jobs & homework now. It's like magic.

Adults provide their own food, pay for somewhere to live and pay their own bills or if they expect others to do this for them then there are strings attached. So dh covers our mortgage and more than his share of the bills and I cover some of his share of parenting and home keeping - like that.

If you son wants to be grown up, what is he bringing to the table exactly?

Your DH is also an adult so they should both be doing their own washing and cooking. I'd be feeding myself, washing my own clothes and doing fuck all else - they can be adults together.

I’m surprised your DS has any schoolwork at all. My brother lives in the UK and his DD (my niece) has also just finished Yr11. He said that by law the schools cannot use any work given after the lockdown towards their GCSE grades. So she is done with school until she starts A levels next year. Her school apparently was in revision, so the courses were all completed before the lockdown. They are not setting homework or anything.
Instead, they asked her to pick projects to work on. So she is practicing coding in Minecraft and learning how to sew by sewing a complete dress. She is also helping more around the house and garden.
So think about whether your schoolwork requirement is really reasonable? I agree the requirement to not be on the xbox day and night is great.

I have a 16yr old as well and discipline is a light touch. You can’t really punish them other than withholding pocket money, you mostly sit down and have discussions and guide them. I don’t think you should threaten to not fund his bus to school for A levels. No matter how rude our children have gotten, we’ve never withdrawn funding for support for education. I would say that DH and I always discussed what our child was doing wrong and agreed on a joint approach before confronting our child with their misbehaviour. It’s never good to get angry, and then do it on the spur of the moment because teens are experts at dividing a mum against dad and vice versa. You need to have a united front first and then go in together to confront your child.

Who bought the x box. If you own it the. Bloody remove it from him until he nicks up his ideas. Change the world-if password and it will be provided when he has done the work required. If he needs internet to do homework then you will log into the wi-if for him to do so. Stop paying his phone Bill as you are no longer parenting him, stop his laundry and cooking. You are providing free board but he can look after himself.

If hes an adult and your parenting days are over, then stop doing his cooking, washing and cleaning etc and charge him rent and for the use of your utilities. If he wants his phone, xbox and other luxuries then he has to pay for them himself. If he wants to give up his school work and do whatever he pleases, then he has to face up to the consequences of that. Which means you no longer funding and supporting him. Your DH and DS cant sweepingly say your parenting days are over and then pick and choose which consequences and freedoms they want to take from that.

My DS is 16 and a right grumpy sod these days. BUT when I speak to him one to one in a reasonable way he does get it. If I shout it descends into chaos as you would expect. My main problem is DH who says he should be old enough to 'blah blah blah' then tries to tell him what time to go to bed. It's a tough age to navigate.