Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

[AnxiousFatherToBe]

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

• I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
• She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
• She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
• We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
• We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

Ah what a nice husband you sound! Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your baby!

If your wife is breastfeeding ensure that you provide food/drinks particularly during cluster feeding-you can wind baby/change nappies etc and bond in this way.

If bottle feeding share the feeds, particularly through the night!

Look after each other and enjoy your baby!

@Mammyloveswine thank you so much for your kind words.

And thank you for the advice, I will definitely be remembering that!

Ah what a lovely post !

Try not to be to hard on yourself either, take it in turns. Remind one another it’s ok to take a breather when things are difficult.

Remind her she’s doing a good job and babies will have good and bad days!

Good luck!

Frankly, being a SAHM may well not be the best decision for her MH. In my experience, it suits comparatively few people.

Especially if she’s had MH difficulties in the past, you need to be on the watch forPND, or postnatal psychosis. It can be difficult to self-diagnose.

@Flippyflo thank you for the very wise words. Will definitely be remembering that!

@Pennywort you and I share the same concern regarding PND, which is also the reason why I'm worried about her. I know she has come far, but that she will definitely be at risk based on her history.

As regards to being a stay-at-home mother you might be right, but I do believe (well I don't really know, perhaps rather hope) that will be the best for her. We decided some years ago that I would be the only one working and she had really found peace away from the workforce.

Thank you for taking the time to share your advice.

Please don't pressure her in to being a SAHP. Or at least let her know that going back to work is a very good option for her, should she choose to. My mental health improved dramatically when I went back to work and I could stop just being "mum" for a few hours a day. Very very few people suit being a STAP as PP said. Men People seem to think it will be less stressful because you're not at work and just play with the baby all day but it's relentless, you never get to switch off.

Also read up on the fourth trimester. I hated anyone taking DS for any reason in the early days. Even if it was well intentioned. Even if it was for me to nap or shower.

I didn't have a partner really (he was terminally ill and living elsewhere so although I was his carer he didn't help us out in any way). I would have really appreciated someone going to the shops for me and buying me the odd little snack gift. And it would have been nice to have someone to share the mental load with, I had the physical load covered but there's some things you just need to talk over at 3am.

You sound well intentioned, I think, but your post comes across as quite controlling. Your wife has a history of mental health issues, she's not a child. She can do this.

@Pennywort agree.

OP - make sure that you are clear that she can change her mind about being a SAHM anytime she likes and you will support her either way.

Making friends at baby groups will be important if she wants to stay at home so, even when you're home for the first 6 months, gently encourage her to go to some alone as if you're always there, she may not connect as well with other women.

Give her some child free time.

No advice you I just wanted to say you sound so lovely and caring! Hope someone can help you

@DivGirl I completely agree with you that a job does wonders for your mental health. Having a day-to-day purpose and getting out of the house would be wonderful for her. In the beginning I very much supported her doing that, even pressed it a little too much perhaps. However, due to the nature of her job (she was a doctor at an intensive unit) she never managed to be able to create a healthy balance, which in turn caused several setbacks the first couple of years. In correlation with her mental health team it was decided she should attempt to stop working and it changed her. Not having that pressure everyday has done wonders for her. However, if she ever decided she wanted to start working, I would be her biggest cheerleader!

I'm sorry that you had such a rough time - you have a lot to be proud of doing all of that on your own!

And I'm also sorry you got the impression that I'm controlling from my post. I know it might not mean much, but I can promise you I'm not. Even if I wanted to - nobody can control that woman 😂

@Settlersofcatan thank you for your sound advice - I will most definitely be doing that! She is free to start working anytime she would like.

And I'm sure that after spending every day together it will be very good for our sanity to both get some alone time 😂

@Tp93 thank you very much! I have without got some good pointers to remember 🙂

That was supposed to say without a doubt...

The main thing is to not think of taking care of the baby as her job with you just "helping out".

Go into it thinking that both of you need to do everything equally and it'll be much easier on both of you.

Take sleep in turns - we have found 4 hour shifts work best, so I listen for the baby from 10 to 2 while my husband sleeps and he listens from 2 to 6 while I sleep.

Everyone says to not care about the house being messy but that made me anxious so tidying up for 30 minutes a day when you can helped a lot.

When something isn't working, abandon it. We started off with cloth nappies but couldn't keep up with it so we switched to disposable. We might go back in the future but we've learnt to be flexible.

Working outside the house might be important for your wife's health. Being a SAHM is not for everyone.

All the best, it will be an adventure for sure!

I am not sure I can describe this very well... simply its positive support but its not easy to describe how. I have anxiety and depression and hormones and babies can send your mind down some horrible paths but with ths right support you can come through.

Within the first months (and beyond) hormone changes are a bitch. They can cause self doubt. If baby is crying and wont stop it can make you feel worthless that you are a rubbish mum and not the right person for the job. Minimising those thoughts and feelings didn't help me and my dh was very good at basically getting me to take a breather and reminding me that I am doing a good job

It's a bit like when a woman is moody not asking if it's their time of the month instead put chocolate in their hand and give them a hot water bottle!

You will know your partner the best and giving that reassurance and support in the way that she needs it when times get tough.

There is a brilliant app called wonder weeks. Its gives a good overview of the transitions babies go through and helps to explain their behaviours and why their sleep patterns may change or why they wont be out of mums sight for 5 seconds. Its not exact but it's a good reference guide.

The hardest thing I have found is the lack of sleep and then baby crying at me for no reason. Remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture but its only for a short time. Eventually (might be more than a year!) They do settle down and you can get your evenings back but until then when baby is awake at 5 in the morning for the 3rd time and is grinning at you... embrace it cause that time doesnt last long in reality. (Fyi that's exactly what my 4 month old is doing right now). It also wont be beneficial for you to both wake up for baby in the night. No point in both adults being tired. I dont resent my dh when I feed baby through the night cause every morning he tries to give me a lie in and brings me tea and biscuits.

Make sure you have somewhere to vent. have a friend of family member you can text or call when you just need to talk stuff through. Me and my dh talk to each other of course but he has some dad friends at work that he chats to who understands where he is coming from as a dad and trying to deal with a hormonal wife and screaming baby who wont be comforted by him and I have some mum friends who are great to talk stuff out with.

I met someone who is now a very good friend at our antenatal class. Our group kept in touch via a WhatsApp group and it was a godsend cause most the time during the early hours we were all awake so had someone to talk to when our partners were snoring In the other room.

I know it will be hard now but when groups are back up and running encourage your wife to go to some and make some new friends.

You sound like a lovely husband and have a good handle on the job ahead . I honestly dont think anything can truly prepare you for the highs and lows of having a baby but supporting each other is the best thing you can both do.

Sorry just realised how long this is!

Good luck and enjoy being a dad!

@LoveIsLovely you are absolutely right. I didn't mean my post to sound like I am seeking advice on how to help her with taking care of the baby - that is both our job. More what things I could do for her, too ease the pressure on her.

It is also not to be controlling or treat her as a child as some have implied. I'm simply just worried that she could end up getting PND given her history (and so is she). So I want to make sure that I do everything in my power to ease any stress there might be. I know I might not be able to prevent it, but I will do my best to make sure that any stress is kept to a minimum if possible.

Thank you very much for your advice.

@Danetobe you are absolutely right and if it ends up not being for her, she will always be able to start working again. We are hoping it will continue to work as it has for the last couple of years.

Thank you for taking the time to share your advice.

@Oldfail wow, thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice! And you did describe it all very well.

And I will definitely be downloading that app - thank you!

Breastfeeding is tough. Really tough. I read once that something like 80% of mums-to-be wanted to breastfeed until 6 months but 90% had given up by 6 weeks. This can obviously make women feel bad. If she struggles but wants to continue, suggest mixed feeding as this can help a lot. I did mixed feeding at the beginning and as my baby got bigger and got a better latch, I was able to gradually reduce formula feeds. I also used nipple shields which helped a lot. There is so much pressure to breastfeed and it can be soul destroying when your body is tired and your nipples are bleeding and the baby is still screaming needing feeding, so a couple of bottles of premix formula on standby was a great relief. Even if you don't use them, I think it helped me mentally to know they were there. My DS had 1 formula feed a day, usually the last one of the day. (Lots of posters will have different experiences, and say that was the wrong time/amount/approach etc. but that's what worked for me!)

As PPs have mentioned, meeting other new mums at baby groups is a godsend, but that may be tough in the current Covid lockdown. Having a WhatsApp group of new mums that you can ask questions of at 3am is invaluable. Have you kept in touch with the people from your parenting classes?

Also, don't be one of the new dads that suddenly decides they need to go to the gym 6 nights a week for some "me time" when things get tough (unless your partner gets her me time too).

Good luck!

I agree with the posts about entering into this as equal and not thinking that looking after the baby is her job and you are just helping out.

A few things that my husband did that really helped me when we had our baby:

1. Him making food/bringing snacks/drinks in the early days
2. Taking the baby in the morning so I could have a lie in/time to myself.
3. Holding the baby when I wasn’t breastfeeding so I could use my hands
4. Giving me as much time to myself without the baby as I wanted.

Bless you for posting this! The first few weeks will be tough but they are also so enjoyable (when you look back on things)

Good luck OP!

"you are absolutely right. I didn't mean my post to sound like I am seeking advice on how to help her with taking care of the baby - that is both our job. More what things I could do for her, too ease the pressure on her."

Oh I didn't actually think you'd come across as being like that at all. I was just mentioning it as it is something that winds me up - my friends saying shit like how their husband is babysitting or how they haven't left the house without the kids for 3 years because their husband doesn't know how to take care of them.

I'm sure you're not like that and you didn't come across as patronising either. I have mental health problems too and definitely need my husband to take care of me at times - I would rather it wasn't like that but it is. It's good you're supporting her.

Also, the first few months were really hard for us but we’d always try and laugh through things. My husband would always try and make me laugh when I got angry or sad about lack of sleep (sometimes by taking the piss out of the baby) and I don’t think I would have got through the first few months without a bit of a laugh.

And yes, bring her lots of chocolate or her favourite magazine or something. It's the little things that show you care.

I'm feeding my 11week old as I speak. My toddler is asleep down stairs.

Yes the first 3-6 months can be brutal but there are practical ways you can make it easier and help the baby into good habits.

A, work out a sleep strategy with your wife that works for you. At first this will be flexible and an on going discussion as you discover issues and see what works. Don't be a martyr by both trying to get involved all night why disturb 2 sleeps!?

What worked for us was a shift system. My oh is a night owl and took 9-12 each night with expressed milk on hand. We also slept separately so we slept well! Try to give each other an opportunity for 3/4 hours of consistent completely undisturbed sleep each day. Honestly this is what saved me and I had two good sleepers.

My tips for helping train good sleep habits.

Let baby nap as much as she likes
Keep night time dark and quiet even during changes and feeding.
Sleeping bags are great!
Try and get baby to sleep off mum sometimes by transferring to a bouncer or moses basket during the day.
Give baby a chance to self settle I.e dont go and get her at every snort and sigh. Trust me you will know if they are distressed! It's about learning good habits.

B. Breastfeeding is exhausting, painful and unending. It gave me back problems, pain in my arm joints on top of all the usual breast pain. Try to make your wife as comfortable as possible. Lots of arm support, drink, drink, drink! She will be spending a lot of time on that sofa.

As a consequence of both babies staying in hospital we partially bottle fed from birth. We kept this up as it's very useful to be able to express and feed. Beware nipple confusion however. One bottle a day seems to hit a nice balance. Anymore and she starts to prefer bottle. Every baby is different however just find what works.

The first 3 months is the hardest. The important thing is to communicate if either of you are struggling and change things when needed.