Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

[AnxiousFatherToBe]

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

• I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
• She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
• She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
• We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
• We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

It might help to have fairly clear roles eg one of you getting up in the morning, or every other day you each do the night shift etc. This creates clear breaks/ opportunities to sleep etc. I found this useful. Of course things don't go to plan and you obviously need to be flexible.

Change the bedding every few days. The hormones give you night sweats and you spend a lot of time in bed so fresh bedding is such a treat and shoes you care.

Don't try and leave the house in a rush. That's where me and DH would always fall out as it's so hard and it used to be so easy! Always ensure the baby bag is packed with the right stuff before you go to bed and you know where pram suits/blankets are and have a bottle of water in the fridge. That way the mammoth task of just going for a walk is easier and you'll both feel better.

@nervousnelly8 that is something I'm kind of scared of and need to prepare for. Thank you for sharing your experience

Ooh and also one thing I found quite lonely was feeling the only one responsible for "thinking about things". I was always googling things, making plans etc and my husband tended to leave it to me because he assumed I knew best. I had absolutely no clue about anything either, so would have loved him to have some input. So from small things like which tog sleeping bag should he go in tonight, to what kind of routine should he be in at 6 months or what should the bed time routine be. Take the initiative, google things, read books, make suggestions. It means all the mental workload doesn't lie on her!

@positivity123 these are great tips! I forgot about the night sweats. And yes, always being "packed up" ready to go, completely confident that DH had catered for as many poop explosions as were possible made it much easier to leave the house. Loading up the car is still his job now, even though we don't need to take 5 spare outfits with us anymore

@hodgepodge21 what a nice husband! That is a very good idea! Definitely stealing that - thank you for the advice!

@Dingdongthewitchisbread very good advice about looking after the mother's needs. I will definitely be doing my share with the baby, but I have a sneaking suspicion she is not gonna let go of our child so easily once she arrives and I will have to fill my time doing as much for my wife as I can.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience.

Don’t sulk, even slightly, about lack of sex.

Feeling the lack of intimacy is one thing. Grumbling that your wife ‘always has some excuse’ when she’s still in pain from stitches just knackered is... the sort of thing that’s still resented 15 years later in an otherwise pretty good marriage. Trust me on this.

Oh OP you sound wonderful.

She may or may not want to go back to work - as others have said. The great thing about working for the NHS is you can dip in and out and it is pretty flexible with roles. She may not want to go back to ITU. I used to work on ITU, too, and it was an utterly draining yet rewarding experience. I'm a HV now.

The main thing I would say is support her as much as you can but recognise when she needs space. Limit visitors in the early weeks, this was totally overwhelming for me as they kept taking DS off me.

I had a pretty traumatic labour so this didn't help things, if your wife has a problematic labour get the support in early to come to terms with it. As a medic she may just look at it like what needs to be done is done, which I did, but a few weeks down the line it hit me and nothing prepared me for that.

If she breastfeeds, wake up with her for every feed because it can feel pretty lonely in the early weeks.

Breastfeeding was my saviour, I felt like it helped me heal after the terrible time I had in delivery - this might not suit everyone though which I get.

Is she on medication? Or has she been in the past? If so, just in case she does BF and meds get started again, some GPs aren't clued up about what you can safely BF on so have a look at the Breastfeeding Network, there is a pharmacist called Wendy who runs it and has lots of info on what is safe to take whilst BF. Here is the website: https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/drugs-factsheets/ they also have a FB page that you can message them through.

Another thought - is she under the perinatal mental health team? If you have this service where you are it is invaluable.

You sound wonderfully supportive. Nothing prepares you for becoming a parent the first time but as long as you're on the same team you'll be fine. It is all about winging it

Dump all the books for a start. Just breathe! Go with the flow and follow her and your instincts. I’ve seen so many parents get caught up in what the books say - but babies don’t know what they apparently should be doing. Of course there’s a time and a place for such information but don’t be overwhelmed by it... enjoy this time together. It sounds like you’re used to working together as a team, just keep that momentum.

For me, the best thing my husband did (and still does to be fair) is to be my continuum. My world was literally upside down after giving birth, I was a hormonal mess and my body didn’t belong to me any more. He was the calm in my storm... he was caring, reassuring, I was allowed to be whatever I needed to be in that moment.

One thing this lockdown has shown me is that I couldn't be a sahp. I am taking a year off and working with kids is hard but having that thing I do helps me to keep my identity and mind while being a mum.

I also didn't find BF overly hard. Some tips if she does. When my nipples were sore at the start I would wear nipple shields in between feeds every so often. They would fill with the milk and help to relieve and reduce the soreness. It's true breastmilk has healing properties!

Also engorgement. If you havent watched a film called bad neighbours look for the scene where the woman needs to Express her milk. I had this problem and was shouting at my husband to milk me. It was a combination of laughing and crying. For a few days I had to sit with cold wet flannels covering my modesty and would put cold Savoy cabbage leaves in my bra. It's scary but it managed will pass.

I use my local breast feeding network too. They were amazing for advice and encouragement. I fed my first for a year and my second now 4 months I hope to go for a year as well.

Also dont let her be afraid just to use her boob to comfort baby. The amount of times mine get worked up and in a tizz. Nothing wrong just in a rage. I pop the boob in and they settle very quickly. It's not feeding its just giving comfort.

For you as well. My dh gets upset when he cant comfort baby, I come along and take her and she stops crying. If this happens dont get upset. I have to re assure my dh it isnt him doing anything wrong it purely is a comfort thing and she knows where the food comes from. That baby will want you over mum one day so dont get disheartened they still love you in their own way.

And if you cant work out what's wrong there is a cycle I go through.

nappy ?
Hungry?
Tired?
Bored (go for a walk around the house , garden or round the block outside)

Most of all never be afraid to ask. No question is too small or daft. Sometimes we all get to a point where we just dont know what to do.... and If you think a mum looks calm and together on top guarantee under the water they are a duck!

@amazedmummy I'm so sorry to hear that you currently have PND. I hope it all eases up for you and you start believing your husband's words, without knowing, I'm sure he is right 🙂

Thank you very much for sharing your experience and I hope you will be easier on yourself in the future. You have done so well and given your husband the gift of a lifetime - that is pretty amazing!

Try to make sure you both do something nice for yourselves each day. Doesn’t have to be big but a cup of tea on your own (and that’s hot) a phone call to a friend, bubble bath, 10 mins in peace to read. Think of it as self care

Remember the phrase “this too shall pass” anytime baby is crying and you don’t know why or waking multiple times or won’t sleep.

Most new parents find the first 3 months brutal. I did, each time. But you make it through and it gets better. But it’s so normal to feel like you are the worst mum ever and a complete failure. So so normal. She absolutely will feel like this at some point

And finally you haven’t mentioned extended family. If you read this board a lot you’ll see that they can cause lots of issues!! Not listening, giving advice constantly, pressure on parents to hand over baby. Obviously this won’t be an issue during lockdown but something to keep an eye out for.

Wishing you both a wonderful parenting journey

@AnxiousFatherToBe

Tbh that's a good question, and one we've chatted through a lot since, the honest answer is I'm not sure.

I never planned to be a career person, I always wanted to be a mother, but I had a job I loved, which meant I travelled round the country meeting new people all the time. I commuted 2.5 hours each way to London half the week up until I was 7 months pregnant. I did struggle with the lack of my identity.

We also didn't have anyone near by, so It was just DH and I, I felt like I was a burden as he was so helpful, like I was letting him down too

I know mumsnet often don't like family coming and taking over but I think balancing it is important. I would have loved for someone to come take her without me asking, just for a little while. I think my pride stopped me reaching out earlier

This time we have already met with my gp together before we started trying and discussed course of actions, so we know exactly what support is there

Things which help massively -

For the 2 weeks (possibly longer) doing all the housework and doing 3 x meals a day. Your wife will be tired from all the wake up and the birth and pregnancy and she will need time to recover.

Making sure your wife has a drink and a snack whilst bf.

Don’t spend any time doing hobbies (or suddenly develop them) with a newborn. Hobby time can be reintroduced later.

Encourage your wife to spend some time outside every day even if it is just the garden.

Encourage her to FaceTime her family and friends. Are there any virtual meet ups she could attend.

Be patient - becoming a parent is a massive life change.

One other thing, if she gets really sad and/or mad on day 3 don’t panic, just be kind, it’s probably hormonal. I literally felt like the world was ending and cried and raged and when my mum said it was hormones I was apoplectic myself. Turned out... it was hormones!

Regarding the working, just remember it doesn't have to be "SAHM or ICU doctor"

She can get a job as a waitress, in a shop, or volunteering. It's all about a change of scene, a life away from baby, and the self-worth that comes from doing a good job.

You sound like a good egg

My baby is 12 days old today.

My OH has been a complete life saver by

• Doing all the cooking and shopping for it. He's a good cook but it's one less thing for me to think or worry about.

• He is self employed and working from home. We decided because of the current situation he would not take paternity leave. I do the night feeds and he gets up with baby at 6am and I rest. Baby has attended many conference calls and his colleagues all love seeing her. Team work.

• I had a section for physically not as mobile as I would like. He passes me baby, nappies, bottles, etc etc so I don't have to lift and stretch. This helps me loads.

Just having you there to support her will be enough. Try things like running her a bath and you care for baby, treat her to her favourite stuff (food, smellies) just so she feels like herself. Remember your in this together, tell each other how amazing your both doing, it's the most lovely time, cherish it because it's the most short lived time too. Your baby will be a wriggling toddler before you know it who will not give you a cuddle for love not money.

You've got this

@pinknsparkly thank you very much for sharing you personal experience.

You are so right about the job, she could definitely do something in another field. She currently helps a charity for trafficked women a couple of times a month, but unfortunately all of that has stopped due to the current situation. That is definitely something that brings her a lot of joy, without the pressures her old job had.
I have always been very supportive of that, but after the answers I've gotten on this thread, I'm gonna make sure to be an even bigger champion of it from now on!

Thank you so much for the advice and I wish you luck with the pregnancy.

@FrancesHaHa thank you, will definitely think of that!

@positivity123 thank you for the very good advice! I will definitely be doing that!

You sound well resourced with good intentions, you should both be ok. I think find someone you can offload to, that’s not her. I can remember burning resentment years later from when DH complained to me about being tired, not getting any time to himself etc when objectively I had UT much worse. I think making sure you both maximise sleep is important. Let her take the lead on having the baby away from her. DH kept my small baby away from me for longer than expected to give me a break, in fact it made me distressed. Perhaps suggest that you do baby’s bath time every day.

@hodgepodge21 thank you, I will be mindful of that! That could probably easily happen as a misguided form of help - letting her take the reins. Will most certainly be mindful of that.

@nervousnelly8 thank you very much for the advice! I will be sure to be packed and ready for anything at anytime!

First time round dh was worried about me getting PND. He always had the baby for a while in the morning while I showered, dressed and ate breakfast which meant I didn't end up in my pjs all day unable to.put the baby down.
I breast fed and had also had a c section so when he went back to work he made me a packed lunch every day and made sure there were mugs, plates etc in easy reach. In the early weeks he made dinner and we took it in turns to hold the baby whilst eating.
As she got a bit older he would do bath and bed time when I cooked tea. Although I was cooking it was so nice to have a bit of time to myself and he enjoyed his time with dd. He helped in the night by doing nappy changes and winding but then slept while I was feeding her.