Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

[AnxiousFatherToBe]

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

• I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
• She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
• She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
• We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
• We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

@Blursula have been doing some cooking, but not quite 40 meals, so I definitely need to get started 😂
I will take a look at that book, thanks.
Thank you for all of the great advice.

@AlphaIndigo definitely very sound advice, thank you very much. I will remember that for the tough times 🙂

Cluster feeding is tough. Also babies can go through phases where it only wants mummy 24/7, will only sleep on her lap, will only stop crying when she picks up baby, cries when she leaves the room even to go to the toilet. That's very hard on both parents. Remember, that this phase will pass, and that baby has nothing personal against you

@AnxiousFatherToBe firstly I just want to say you sound like a wonderful husband, who is truly thinking of helping his wife.

For everyone it's so different, so help that is needed will vary, but it's clear you are aware of that.

It's scary becoming a father also, and with the added worry of a wife's Mh it can make this all quite an anxious time for you. Don't forget yourself, and to look after yourself when the new babe arrives.

I will share what I found helpful in my experience, and take what you want from it.

My labour was truly awful and I had a 4th degree tear as a result (very painful) so it changed everything for us when caring for baby in first few weeks. I too have MH isssues that I know my husband was closely watching to make sure I was ok.

So for us...husband always done the last feed before bed and got him to sleep and settled. He was generally better at putting him down that I was. I did all the night feeds during the week and he did Thursday night - Saturday night (we stopped that after a while as I was waking also)

My husband went back to work after one week, so I did all the care during the day. When my husband got home, usually between 2-3 he took over so I could have a sleep/shower.

When I woke, I took over baby so he could go to the gym as that was very much his thing for keeping MH together.

He would then cook my tea and take baby whilst I ate. He would wash up and clean down kitchen after, wash bottles up and sterilize them all, so for the night I had all clean bottles ready to hand.

First thing in morning he would wash bottles that I used over night.

He always gets up at 5.30am and leaves house at 7.30 - if baby woke up in this time, he would take him downstairs so I could deep sleep for an hour or so.

I did all bathing until he felt confident, so when babe was about 10 weeks I guess and then he now baths Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

He would get me to go for a walk with him and baby after work when weather was nice as he knew I needed to have fresh air and change of scene.

When he went back to work, I was still in a bad way physically, so he picked my mum up every morning for me to have company and dropped her hole after.

All these little things really helped me in the early days when we first had our boy, and we were also first time parents.

Now that our boy is 1 the routine has changed again, but we do it to suit us both and have our own 'parts'.

The midwifes and HV will be aware of MH in the past so they will keep an eye, and if she has a good GP like I do, then he regularly checked in on me. I had antenatal depression, diagnosed at 14 weeks pregnant, so they were great at monitoring me. Being as she is a doctor, she will know better than anyone about depressing etc. just make sure she knows she can come to you without judgement, don't be pushy about how is she feeling, but be there.

On day 5 of having my baby I had the blues (look this up to be prepared)
I cried like a baby, proper sobbing and telling my husband I didn't want my baby and I had made mistake and wanted my old life back. He was amazing, he didn't judge me, he knew all about the blues so was prepared. He just held me toght, told me it's okay to feel how I was, that it would get easier and we would do it together. That night, he become my hero. He supported me so much and let me just cry.

I don't really know what else to offer for advice.

@ThatsNotMyName123 thank you for your kind words and great advice!
You did a very good job explaining it all, thank you for offering your perspective.

Sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience, but what a wonderfully supportive husband you have - top guy!

I will remember your words and hope to be as great of a support as your husband, thank you.

@HedgehogTales thank you so much for your wise words. I will remember your words, because that will most likely sting a little, but I will make sure not to take it personally. Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice!

Congratulations! You sound like a really loving and caring hubby.

You've been given some great advice here. I just want to echo a couple of points that I think will be very important.

In the first few weeks. Her hormones will be absolutely raging. Especially in the first couple of weeks.
I remember those first few days. I would cry at random. Nothing was wrong at all. But I just couldn't stop. After speaking with my midwife I realised that it was totally normal and things would settle down. But with your wife's mental health issues in the past. It might look as though she's having some sort of regression when that potentially won't be the case. Worth being mindful and prepared for that.
The most amazing thing my husband ever did in those weeks when I was a blubbering mess was give me a massive hug and he said "what can I do?".

Worth making some meals and freezing them before baby comes as neither of you will feel like cooking at all.

Take your lead from her and utilise all the help you have from the midwives and health visitors.

I hope it all goes well.

@RibenaMonsoon thank you for your kind words.

I have indeed been given some great advice, which I really appreciate.

You make some great points! You are right and I will definitely have to step back and not panic at just any sign of struggle/regression. I would want her to be able to be open about her feelings, without her being afraid of me immediately thinking she has PND or not coping.

Thank you for taking the time to give some advice.

Oh, and Bf is great if it works. But it doesn't always work. It does not mean that the mother is a failure at mothering. Lots of midwifes and health visitors make such a big deal about it and really guilt trip the parents. There is no shame in topping up with formula or even going to mainly formula. Before going to more than 50% formula, go to a lactation consultant at the local children's Centre. Get them to formally recommend and book an appointment at the local tongue tie clinic to check for tongue tie and lip tie. It's a 5 second procedure that is an absolute miracle. What people don't always know is that they will not do the procedure if baby is getting more than 50% of its daily milk need in the form of formula.

You sound lovely! I hope you take time for yourself as well and your wife gives you support too.
Enjoy your squishy baby. Newborn cuddles are the best.

*@AnxiousFatherToBe I was wondering how you are all getting on?

Just a little update.

@SunshineCake Thank you so much for the concern. We are all doing really well. Just about 3 weeks ago my wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter. Everything went well and both mom and baby are both healthy and safe.

We have been enjoying our time together and I don't think either of us have ever been so happy. Knackered of course, but that is to be expected.

I just wanna thank anyone who has taken the time to comment and offer advice. It has all been really helpful! I was definetely very anxious before the birth and your words of advice calmed me quite a bit.

@HedgehogTales thank you once again for taking your time to comment! Will keep thst in mind.

@ferntwist thank you so much for the kind words and advice. It is much appreciated. I'm sorry I haven't answered untill now, but have had my hands full since the birth.

Hope everyone is doing well in these times and taking care!