Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

[AnxiousFatherToBe]

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

• I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
• She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
• She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
• We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
• We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

Just to say my mum had severe postnatal depression on both me and my brother, and I have bipolar.
I was convinced I was going to get PND- and I didn’t on either pregnancy. So as much as be aware of it, don’t assume that every down day because she is shattered from lack of sleep means that it’s PND. You will know her well and her moods in general, just work from those. Congratulations!!!!

Oh another thing I thought of regarding breastfeeding. I gave up after a couple of weeks and my husband was so supportive. Formula is great these days, so be sure to let your wife know that you support her if she feels she can't continue.

My husband sat up with me sometimes when I was feeding if I was feeling low. It helped so much.

Do you have Netflix or something? i found watching lighthearted stuff really helpful when I was up all night with the baby. Brooklyn 99 and White Gold were what I watched.

And pre making coffee and keeping it in the fridge to drink with ice. Life saver, if not the most delicious.

Keep reminding yourselves you're a team. This is what we always say to each other when one of us is struggling or feeling guilty.

And say thanks every time for everything. We thank each other for washing up, changing the baby, making a coffee - it might seem cheesy to some but just acknowledging the other person took time to do something when they're exhausted helps us.

If you don't have one yet, the Ikea Raskog cart is a lifesaver. We keep everything we need in it - burp cloths, nappies, wipes, lotion etc and it can easily be wheeled from room to room.

Thanks for your kind words and for being a decent partner. I'm sure you'll be a great dad.

My top tips?

Don't get into the competitive tiredness. You'll both be knackered.
Have some fun.
When it is stressful, or things are not going perfectly, relax and remember you're in it together.

Enjoy your new baby, it goes so fast. If you try and manage every detail, you'll fail. Go with the flow, be ready to adapt and do things differently to how you'd imagined of that's what's needed.

@FrancesHaHa thank you so much for your insight. I'm sorry that happened to you and I can completely see how to could become a problem.

I'm definitely going to have to show some restraint in regards to helping/taking over. I will have to be mindful of this no doubt.

In your case what would have helped? For you to be left to it or could it help if I asked her if she needs help when the baby is crying or would that be too intrusive as well?

I don't want her to think that I don't believe she can do it on her own, because I most certainly do. My intention by staying home for 6 months is simply to ease the transition, so that it is not such a shock for her and ends up hurting her mental health in the beginning.

@YouJustDoYou thank you very much! I will do my very best to make sure she knows there is no pressure from me regarding any of it and for her to find her way.

@Jollypolly999 thank you so much for sharing your experience and your kind words!

Not a mother but one thing you can do is keep an eye on her mental health, women who have had some mental health issues are more likely to get post natal depression, look out for it and if needs be advocate for her.

I agree with drinks and snacks, if your dw is breast feeding she needs a drink every time she feeds. You don't necessarily have to get up and make a cup of tea 5 times a night (My old boss's husband did this) but a flask of hot chocolate and some bottles of water at the side of the bed (with a full biscuit tin) will make a huge difference.

If she can't breast feed, and not all women can, then support her, I think there is a tendency for 1st time mums to think they will do everything, from dressing the baby in immaculate clothes to pottering about creating artwork inspired by the baby.

What most couples get is more like 'spawn of satan', and obviously I don't mean that as an insult, just what you may feel one day when you and dw have changed the baby's clothes 15 times and passed the baby between you to try to stop the crying and then just as baby is settling there is an explosive poo, often referred to as a poonami.

Days like that you are succeeding if one of you manages a shower.

Good lick with everything, and come back with more questions ass and when.

@Theresnobslikeshowb thank you for sharing your story. That is slightly assuring that it isn't an immediate death sentence. My wife is very afraid she is gonna get PND and is very self-critical and doubtful. Although I wish she wasn't, because she is so much stronger than she even realises.
But I am glad to hear of someone who had a positive experience themselves. Thank you

You sound lovely and supportive OP,

As someone who suffered PND and currently pregnant again I can completely understand your concerns
DH and I have been very up front with our concerns, trying to always keep an open and honest dialogue

I would recommend the baby tracking app, you put all the feed, sleeps, nappies etc in there, and you share accounts with partner.
It meant if little one fell asleep and I crashed DH could see where were up to without a "handover"
In those early days I had no idea if I was coming or going so I struggled to remember when she fell asleep or how long since a nappy change.

I hid my pnd from my partner for a 6/7 months before he realised what was going on, I spent a lot of time crying during the night while they both slept, so I would say be particularly conscious of that time

As others have said the hormones are horrendous, the dr advised me the postpartum periods 2 years, so I would just be aware that even if the first 6 months to a year seem okay it's worth still keeping an eye on things

Good luck to you both, and I guess always remind her that if she does struggle it is no means a "failing" even the strongest with no history can struggle, she has carried a baby and given birth during a pandemic, that's an amazingly strong thing to do

Try and encourage her to get out of the house every day (assuming we're out of lockdown by then.) It's really easy for mental health to take a hit if you are stuck at home all day and it's really helpful to speak to other new Mums in the same position. Join Mum and Baby groups in your local area, or do NCT classes prior to the baby arriving. Having a cohort of new Mums to share with saved my sanity in the early days and I've made one good friend for life as a result.

Sleep sleep and more sleep

Dont take two of you to do a job that only takes one of you

Sleep sleep and more sleep (her as a priority at first as she will also be recovering from childbirth, but then both of you)

Try and guide the baby into a routine for feeding and napping (guide not force) as that will help all

I think it's looking after the things that make you feel human again are the lynch pins in the early days when you can't seem to put your baby down. So making sure she has time to have a shower and clean teeth before you leave for work, buying enough feeding bras so you can't smell milk all day. The time to drink an entire cup of tea. A clean bed to get into. Sleeping in shifts and possibly in the spare room so you arent disturbing each other. You suddenly have to do everything one handed, and you are so hungry with the feeding and it is an immediate and desperate hunger. Having things in the fridge that you can hack a slice off and post in ...if she doesn't eat, the baby doesn't eat (do not show up triumphant from the shops with bagloads of root vegetables to be peeled and chopped).

Read the instructions and try everything out in advance. Learn how the breast pump works before there is a baby in your hand. Check the sterilizer fits in the microwave and how to measure the amount of water that goes into it. Learn what the system is as to where the baby clothes go so when shes exhausted and theres been a poonami at 3am the babygros haven't suddenly moved home. If in doubt, go put on, dry and put away a wash. Never say the word, "I've done x for you".

Get a local network of mums together. Don t let anyone else hold the baby for too long, read the room when there are visitors and intercept pass the parcel when necessary. Don't move anyone in to "help". Look for support the minute you feel you need it. Smell the top of that babys head a lot and enjoy every last squidgy moment, you'll never believe how much love you had in you till you meet your child . Enjoy!

Oh and I would also add I always thought pnd meant I didn't bond with my baby or worse, but for me it was a case of loving her so much I felt everything I did failed her, I wasn't good enough for her and she deserved better than me

@LoveIsLovely again, thank you so much for taking the time to give your advice and your kind words.

I will be on a hunt for more formula to keep at home. We have a small quantity we were given and decided not to go out and buy a whole bunch, due to the current situation with covid, but it seems like I do really need to start visiting some different shops to find some. Damn it 😂

And yes we do have Netflix - she will be given full control on what she wants to watch!

You and your husband's way of interacting sounds a lot like our relationship. I only hope we will be half as good as it sounds you are, when we are sleep deprived and no longer only have ourselves to think about.

@DonPablo thank you for your very sound advice!
Will definitely be reading this thread once it gets tough, because you are absolutely right!

Honestly, for the first few weeks it may be that there's not a huge amount you can do. My DH was desperate to take some of the strain, but I wanted to breastfeed and really struggled - nothing he could do to help. Recovery from the birth can be brutal - nothing he could do to help. The hormone dump and impact of sleep deprivation came as an awful shock - nothing he could do to help. I think he found it really hard, so do try to be prepared for the possibility that you will be watching your wife go through a really tough time and not be able to make it better.

That said, PPs have given some great ideas. Try to facilitate some sleep, try to give her time to shower/bathe every day, make sure she doesnt have to worry about cleaning/cooking at the beginning and just be there to support her and give her lots of hugs. Our DS has just turned 1 and is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us - the early days are really tough but before you know it they are gone.

@sashh thank you for your good advice.

And you are so right about the mental health part. It is something I will be looking out for and trying to help as much as possible.

And I love the idea about stocking the side of the bed - will definitely be doing that!

Very practical, but my husband made me these little snack boxes that he left around the house for when breastfeeding. They had bottles of water, snack bars, nuts, chocolate and magazines/books. Anywhere I went, I could just help myself, absolute god send!

@lastonetime thank you very much for your kind words and advice.

I'm sorry to hear that you suffered from PND - I hope it goes well for you this time. You are both amazing women to be going through this at such a time.

If you don't mind me asking (and you don't have to answer if it is too personal), but could anyone had done anything for you to open up regarding PND sooner?

@BatleyTownswomensGuild I will definitely be doing that as soon as all this lockdown business is done. Thank you very much for your advice!

@SeaToSki thank you for you advice. Sleep will definitely be the top priority!

I’m just echoing things others have said but the things that really made a difference for me were:

When I was struggling with breastfeeding after the first few days, DH wanted me to switch to bottle feeding so he could help. A discussion with the midwife made him realise his job was to look after mum’s needs, whilst mum looks after babies needs. He went out, bought me everything by Lansinoh to help with the pain.

DH brought me a drink, the tv control and a snack every time I sat down to breastfeed.

DH kept the house tidy

DH ensured I ate 3 healthy meals a day.

We worked out what our strong points were with sleep patterns and stuck to them pretty quickly. I’d do the last feed and go to sleep pretty early. DH would stay up and put DD down. I’d then do the night shift and then the morning feed, for DH to get up with DD whilst I got some more sleep.

Making sure I got time for a shower and to get dressed every day.

We did practice runs together of things I was worried about doing on my own with the baby. So we went and did a food shop together, put petrol in the car together but I did everything myself just with the reassurance that DH was there the first few times if it didn’t go to plan.

DH encouraged me to get out to baby classes to try and meet some mum friends. The first time I went, I actually wanted to cry I felt so alone. But a girl I barely new from work had a baby at a similar time and we did a small class together. The four of us that did the class are still really good friends 2 years on.

And finally, what everyone else has said about work. I was dreading going back to work after my maternity leave but the sense of normality it gives me is huge for my mental health. I get to be me again and not just mum.

I have a 4 month old and PND. Things my DH has been great with are cooking. He cooked before but in the early days especially when I was still trying to breastfeed he would make sure I had food round the clock, breastfeeding made me hungry.
He also takes DS every morning and feeds him. We switched to bottle feeding and he gives him his bottle every morning. I'm not a good sleeper and it takes me hours to nod off.
Being supportive but also having an opinion. I second guess every decision I make for DS but I'm working through it. DH initially would just say "whatever you think" it was maddening. Now we make decisions together and it's so much better.

Look out for the signs of PND. I had a great health visitor but your wife might need you to advocate for her. She may not be affected at all but it is fairly common. If I hadn't received support when I did the end results could have been very different. My DH tells me every night that I'm a great mum and that him and DS are lucky to have me, some night I believe him sometimes I don't but it's always lovely to hear.

@TweetleBeetlesBattle thank you very much for your amazing advice! Lots of practical small things that help. That is definitely where my focus is going to be the next 6 months.

I'm actually currently pregnant with our first child so don't have the parenting experience yet, but DO have the mental health experience. In my case, my mental health deteriorated and spiralled out of control whilst I was doing my PhD. I had struggled for years but it was the social isolation (for various reasons, I was based out of a hospital rather than a university). I have a lot of fears about developing PND during my maternity leave and know 100% that I NEED to go back to work to stay sane. I understand that her previous job was highly stressful, but (if she wanted to) she could go back to a related field. Perhaps train as a counsellor and work more standard hours for example? Or, if money isn't an issue, volunteer for a charity?

The four things that have made a huge difference to me and my mental have been:

• getting back to work
• regular exercise (as basic as making sure I get out for a walk each and every day)
• sharing household chores equally between us, with no expectation that certain jobs are mine and others are his
• Talking! About my fears, concerns and mental health, about completely random bullshit, about anything and everything! At the start, my husband used to tell me that I needed to "choose to be happy". He was trying to be supportive but it really wasn't helpful. We have since learnt ways for him to listen to what I'm saying, tell me it's OK and I'm ok and life will be ok, and simply hug me for as long as I need it. Men often have a need to solve the problem, whereas women simply need to talk and rant about it to get it off their chest! Part of the talking is, as other posters have mentioned, also about supporting your wife to develop friendships with other women in similar situations who can then support and understand her in ways that (however good your intentions!) you will never be able to.

Good luck, you sound lovely and I wish you both well!