Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

[AnxiousFatherToBe]

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

• I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
• She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
• She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
• We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
• We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

@welshladywhois40 thank you for the great advice.
I will encourage her to get out as much as she (safely) can.

@Racmactac thank you so much for your very kind words.

I will make sure to treasure every moment of it!

@Neighneigh thank you very much. I definitely have had a lot of great advice from you and everyone else on here - I'm very grateful.

You have all convinced me to take care of the baby in the morning, so she can get ready. Your explanation makes perfect sense and I want her to be able to enjoy some peace and quiet every ones in awhile.

My main advice is don’t try to ‘fix’ things. If she’s struggling, just listen and offset support. Empathise. Don’t give a whole list of how to make it better necessarily. Unless it’s a specific question of ‘what shall we do about this situation?’ It’s so annoying when I’m stressed and I tell someone and get a whole list of things to do you make my situation better. When all I really want is a listening ear. And sleep. Make sure your wife is getting the maximum sleep possible with a newborn. Exhaustion has been said to be a big trigger for anxiety and depression.

Also, look after yourself too. Men can also get PND.

@Foghead you are absolutely right. I will make sure to take that mental load off her.
Thank you very much for the advice.

@Flowersforpowers I have had quite a lot more answers than I was expecting and have been sitting up since early in the morning answering back to you all 🙈

But I am so grateful and am really taking it all in and am sure I will be visiting this thread several times, to read up on all the great advice.

But you are absolutely right. I have to take care, that I don't make her "sicker" than she is (just to clarify, I don't see her as being sick, just lack of better word), particularly towards her.
All I can say for myself is that I am just worried for her, because I love her very much. She has come so far and I'm so proud of her. But you are absolutely right and that is something I will do my best to be mindful of.

Thank you for taking the time to give advice.

@TwistyHair thank you for taking the time to comment and for the great advice. You are right and that is something I will have to be mindful of. I'm naturally a fixer, so I will have to bite my tongue sometimes and just listen.

Like others have mentioned, breastfeeding sometimes doesn't work. Literally the baby sometimes can't latch on. My advise is to buy in bottles, formula, steriliser etc just incase. Don't listen to anyone who keeps banging on about breastfeeding if you simply can't do it. Good luck!

Pay into a pension for her.

I had to read this a couple of times to believe it! 😂

You’re already doing amazing, just for asking the question.

I’d say you’ve easily got this!

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. Enjoy!

Enjoy!

Yes. Perhaps of all the advice this is the most important.

You both sound like intelligent and anxious people who think through everything to the nth degree. You are both very understandably scared about the possibility of PND but I hope you are both able to relax enough to take pleasure in the small everyday 'stuff' that happens too.
If your dw feels you're watching over her like a hawk for any sign of PND, ready to leap in with cups of tea and showers, then she may not feel able to show the normal exhaustion, irritability and anxiety that having a new baby brings everyone. And YOU are allowed to be a tired, occasionally not perfect human too.

You've had some amazing advice on this thread but even good advice can bring with it guilt or anxiety. For some people monitoring every feed, poo and fart your baby has can bring reassurance but for others it can increase your anxiety. Your wife may love you to take the baby so she can shower every morning or she may not. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it.

Enjoy every bit you can. Support and be kind to each other when you can't and breathe

How very lovely of you! I think half the battle is won in that you are actively thinking about this and planning towards it! Making this enquiry itself (in addition to your preparations re your work and reading on the topic) is highly commendable. I really wish you every happiness and success.

A lot of good advice on this thread. A lot of stress is laid on women by partners who feel that the wife is the sole carer, and their own part is to "help," when they feel like it, without taking responsibility and being committed. You would both be parents and "co-workers," so both responsible for baby and home.

I pray for your happiness and blessings!

Wow what a lovely caring husband you sound. You've had some great advice here. A few things I would like to add, I apologise if it's been said already. She's lucky to have you and for you both to be in such a position as you are, I'm sure you've both worked hard for it.
If you're any good at cooking, make loads of meals for the freezer so all you have to do it defrost them for you all in the early days. Same when it comes near the 6 months, make loads of purees for baby to try, get a book although I'm sure you have already, Annabel Karmel ones are good.
When it comes near to you having to return to work can you do it gradually rather than being around full time one day then being straight back?
Don't discount sleep training, although don't do it prior to 6 months. That saved my sanity.
Please let us know how it goes, my very best wishes to you and your family.

@Latteaday123 you have all convinced me to brave the supermarkets one more time and I will be stocking up on it all - thank you for the advice.

@SciFiScream Thank you for your concern about pension, it is definitely a very valid point.

We both have pensions and savings separately as well as together. I would never dream of leaving my wife at a disadvantage compared to me - we are equals.

@Jellybean27 thank you very much for the kind words. I hope you are right 🙂

@Haffdonga very wise words indeed - thank you! I have been in such a hurry to prepare myself as best as I can, but judging from this thread and from others, I'm not really sure you can ever be fully ready? So that has reassured me in a sense and I just hope than once the times come within the next couple of days, that I will be able to relax and enjoy our baby.

Thank you very much for taking the time to give your advice.

I hope all goes well.

I am a SAHM though mine are all teenagers now and I had PND each time. I am sure most of that was due to shitty childhood stuff though. I would say whatever weird things make her feel better, do them. It bothered me if the baby grows weren't put back folded and rotated and while I know now it really didn't matter, back then it mattered that things were done the way I wanted them done. I know now it was a sign of a bigger issue but, you know..

Good luck with the baby and don't ever run out of nappies or chocolate!

My advice amidst all of this is: don't forget about yourself within this. Dads, too, need support, so stay connected with good mates and family. Encourage and nurture both Mum and baby, but YOU are important, too. Good luck with everything and pleeeease update us along the way!

The most amazing thing my husband did for me was batch cook four different meals, divided them into individual Tupperware boxes and labelled them and put them in the freezer before the baby came. It made 40 meals and we didn’t have to cook once for the first few weeks of the baby’s life!

Another tip - take photos of her and the baby. It’s amazing how fast they grow and how you look back and realise you were so busy you don’t have any mum-baby photos!

There is a baby book that’s really useful called Your Baby Week by Week. It’s so easy to get bogged down in books and official advice which i’d avoid but this book is really easy to dip in and out of.

Most importantly, as someone else has said, make sure you are ok too and try to relax the best you can, and keep speaking to people.

You already sound incredibly supportive and she’s very lucky. Best of luck to you both.

@Helpmypiriformis thank you so much for your kind words! And thank you for the very good advice. You are absolutely right in that we will be sharing all of the responsibility together. That is definitely something that we have to get used to - both of us. But this is really not a problem at all to me. The last part of the pregnancy has been difficult, so for the last couple of months she hasn't been able to do much physical work, so I have already been taking care of it. Now I might have hired someone to do the cleaning for us (😁) - (although currently on hold because of covid) so I might not scrubbing the floors on all fours, but I'm making sure it is all being done, as well as the laundry, food etc.
I will make sure that she knows that we are in this together and no job is for her to do alone - it is for the both of us.

@cretelover I most certainly have had a lot of great advice from you and everyone else on her, so thank you so much for that! And thank you for the very kind words.

We are indeed very fortunate to be in the position that we are. No doubt about it.
When it becomes time for me to go back to work we can do it at whatever pace we like, thankfully.
I definitely think that you are right that a gradual start would be the best bet.

@SunshineCake thank you for sharing your experience and advice.

Nappies and chocolate on the list - check

When it gets tough, which it will, bring laughter and humour back into the situation.
After hours of cluster breastfeeding, a baby that wouldn't sleep and what felt like the thousandth pooey nappy, a joke and smile from my husband was definitely needed.
Good luck!

@Dipi79 thank you for the very kind words and most definitely also the advice. You have all been so kind on here, that I will definitely come back and let you know how it goes, if anyone is interested 🙂

And you are so right. If we men don't take care of ourselves we won't be able to take care of our family. Thank you for the thought.