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Original poster

Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

162 replies

AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 03:45

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

  • I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
  • She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
  • She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
  • We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
  • We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 08:39

@MonsterSister I'm sorry, as it seems this happened to you. Men can be thoughtless sometimes, especially when it comes to sex.
I promise I won't make the same mistake. Thank you for sharing your experience.

OP posts:
Incrediblytired · 14/04/2020 08:40

Gosh you sound lovely!

I think the thing that shocked me the most about parenting was that whilst we saw ourselves as equals, our baby did not! Only mummy would do in the early days, especially at night and my husband was marvellous. The things that helped me were him cooking meals, putting together trays of drinks and snacks for the night to help me through and making sure I could shower and sleep. For us, for a while this meant separate rooms at night, we decided that if he could get some sleep at night (when she categorically only wanted me) then he could look after her in the day whilst I slept. He even watched me co-sleeping with her in the day so we could be sure she was safe! She was rather a tricky baby though!

Others have said that being a stay home mum is potentially harder than working and I second this - but it sounds like you’ve already thought that through. Good luck!

Winterlife · 14/04/2020 08:41

Watch for postpartum depression. It’s difficult to see, but very real.

REdReDRE · 14/04/2020 08:44

I agree with @DizzyR

In the early days my husband did everything bar feed the baby. When I was in pain after my first he helped with nighttime nappies but I took the whole nights over fairly quickly (breastfeeding) so that when she woke in the morning at 6ish he took her away for a few hours so I could sleep more. I loved that.

He brought me food and drink during the cluster feeds and cleared up so I didn't have to worry about that. With our first he also took her out for a walk so I could have a nap (with our second he still took the toddler out as having her out the house was still a break just having the baby!).

He is a brilliant dad and great support for me just by getting on with all the things he could do and telling me how proud he was and what a great job I was doing (he was too).

I found it easier than i anticipated, probably a lot to do with having him with me.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 08:50

@caffeinefix thank you very much for your kind words and taking the time to give advice.

Like you, my wife loved working in the ICU, but it was definitely what contributed to her breakdown back then. A job in another department could definitely be an idea, if she ends up feeling like she has lost herself and that is what she needs, then I would be very supportive and proud.

She is not on medicine currently, but used to be before. The pregnancy was planned and her mental health team were really amazing in assisting her get off her medication before she got pregnant. So we have been very lucky to receive some great help, both before and during. She will most likely get back on it once she has had the baby from what I understand.

Thank you very much for the link - will make sure that it is triple checked before we do anything.

OP posts:
Nsky · 14/04/2020 08:54

What a lovely husband you are...............it’s been a long time since I had a baby.
Not everyone has really crap sleep , nor does everyone have stitches, as others have said just be mindful of cooking and domestics that will help hugely.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 08:56

@BabbleBee thank you very much for your sound advice! You are most certainly right. My coping mechanism to this situation and feeling out of depth, has been to study and read everything I could possibly find that would make me relax - that has not happened yet 😂

Your husband sounds like a good one!

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 14/04/2020 08:57

Wonderful post - a couple of things:

Fed is best - if she is going to try and breastfeed and it doesn't work out just remind her how ever her baby feeds - fed is best.

If she has concerns about the baby - health visitors were always happy to hear questions. I was having concerns about my sons poor appetite at 6 weeks and saw a hv every day for 5 days so she could monitor him and never made me feel I was wasting there time. She gave me some advice - a happy content baby is usually ok.

And lastly - my partner and I have a couple of rules - cross words at 2am don't count. So now again we would snap at each other but by morning we would forget rather then start a row over it. And we had a safe word so if we are winding each other up we say it - with lock down we have reverted to it.

Lastly - and this is why lockdown is super hard - being at home all the time is super tough. Encourage her to take her daily walk with the baby - exercise and fresh air really do help especially if you are super tired.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 08:59

@Oldfail thank you so much for all of the great advice!

I have not seen that movie, but obviously now I have to! Will give us something to do in the next days - thank you.

OP posts:
Racmactac · 14/04/2020 09:02

Given that your post comes from love and caring point of view it sounds like you will find a way through the difficult times.

Just treasure the baby stage. They soon grow up into Kevin the teenager.

I wish my dh had been half as supportive and caring

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:07

@Rainbowqueeen thank you very much for the great advice. I shall remember the phrase!

Luckily the only extended family near us is hers, since my family are all back in the US. Her family are thankfully very understanding, so I really hope we won't have too much trouble with them, but who knows? 😂

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:10

@Littlemissdaredevil thank you so much for the great advice!

I'm not sure about virtual meetups, but she does talk to her family and best friends on facetime.

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:17

@lastonetime thank you very much for your insightful answer! I'm sorry that happened to you, but it sounds like you are on a great path this time around with great support.

Again thank you very much for the advice.

OP posts:
Neighneigh · 14/04/2020 09:19

Your post is a lovely one and you've had lots of good advice too. I think it's really important to remember that actually, no one really knows what they're doing with babies. It's the biggest shock to your system when suddenly you're out of hospital with a tiny human and they are your responsibility...and there's no manual. So for both of you, take pressure off yourselves (especially at the moment) and do what you feel is right, as a couple.

Other random things - if she looks happy, then tell her. As pp said above it isn't always awful and it can be a very content time. Take photos (but don't bug her over it), not posed photos but every so often a photo of them together just hanging out, because while you try your hardest to remember what it's like to hold them when they're that age, you do forget.

There's also a really random thing about bathroom fans, someone above mentioned about holding baby while she has a shower. This isn't just me, friends have said it too. There's something about the frequency of a fan that makes you think the baby is crying, it drives you crazy. So if you can always hold or be with the baby when she's in the shower, especially in the early days, she'll be able to relax. And good luck :-)

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:20

@Smellbellina I will be on the lookout for hormonal mood changes. Thank you very much for the advice

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:22

@Tarararara you are absolutely right! To me it truly does not matter to me what she would like to do.
Thank you for your insight

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:26

@84claire84 congratulations on the baby! And your husband sounds like a great guy!

I will make sure to be there for my wife like yours has been. Thank you for the advice

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:31

@TestingTestingWonTooFree thank you for your kind words.

Very good advice! Will definitely make sure not to offload on her, that makes perfect sense.

And we actually are planning on me doing bath time, since that'll be my chance for some quality time once I start working again.

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:33

@SnugglySnerd thank you for the great advice! A great idea to allow her to get completely ready in the morning to avoid that

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:39

@Incrediblytired thank you for the kind words and the great advice!

As mentioned, if she happens to not cope with being a stay-at-home mother, we will take it from there and make changes.
As long as our child is taken care of and my wife is happy, then I'm happy. If that means her working at the supermarket, I honestly wouldn't care, except be happy she found something she wanted to do.

OP posts:
Foghead · 14/04/2020 09:39

Food and laundry seem to take up a lot of headspace. Get a plan for those two things
Make sure you both get time for yourselves for a bit too.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:40

@Winterlife I will definitely be looking out for that. Thank you for your concern.

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:45

@REdReDRE thank you very much for your advice. It does seem like getting up in the morning and offering some time to herself is the way to go.

Sounds like you have a great husband. I hope to offer my wife the same support.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 09:50

@Nsky thank you for your very kind words and advice. I hope we will fall into the group that don't get crap sleep and stitches, but I'm not massively hopeful. 😂 But thank you for offering a different perspective than that of endless sleepless nights.

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Flowersforpowers · 14/04/2020 09:52

You've had stacks of advice, good luck following it all! I'm sure you're going to be very supportive.

I would suggest, a big potential pitfall for you that I can see is that you're totally focused on what's 'right for her' and making her life as easy as possible. It drives me absolutely round the bend if my husband tries to tell me not to worry about something because he will sort it. I want to know the details of our finances, or exactly what the garage said about the car - etc etc. We had an early discussion about whether I return to work or stay at home and he was very much on your line - whatever was best for me. But I want a proper adult discussion on the pros and cons and what is best for us. By concentrating so heavily on her mental health, don't accidentally treat her like a child, remember she's still an intelligent woman with agency of her own.