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Original poster

Anxious first time father - how best to support my wife?

162 replies

AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 03:45

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure how much background to give, but here goes.

My amazing wife and I are have been married 4 years, together for 8. Very early on in our relationship her mental health deteriorated, she went through the system and got treatment. She has worked very hard to get better and today, almost 7 years later, she is doing really well and is very mentally stable. We have always wanted a child, but decided early on that we wouldn't do it before we were both truly ready, especially her. Now we are here. The baby should be here in a couple of days and I am very excited, but also a little anxious as any first time father.

For obvious reasons I want to do everything in my power to make sure that her and our child have the best life possible and I want to help her anyway I can. She is an amazing person/wife and I know she will be a great mother, but I also know that it will be very stressful and I want to protect her as best I can.

Now to the point of this thread - how can I best help my wife during this first transition period of us becoming new parents? From what I have heard it is supposed to be pretty brutal and I want to ease the transition as much as I can.

I think I have the big things down.

  • I'm very lucky that I'm self-employed, so have made sure that I can be home for the next 6 months (I might have to take a couple of calls every now and again, but I have someone taking care of things while I'm away).
  • She will be a stay-at-home mother, so won't have to worry about work. She doesn't need to worry about money and we have everything we could want for.
  • She usually takes care of most of the house, but towards the last part of the pregnancy we hired a cleaner, so now it is only basic tidying (which I can do know that I am home)
  • We got everything a child could possibly need for the first 10 years of their life 😂
  • We have attended parenting classes and read about a million books to prepare us as well as possible

But I am thinking more the everyday things that could be helpful. Things I should be mindful of. I thought what better, than to ask mothers themselves. Are there anything you wished someone had done for you or helped you out with when you first had a baby? Anything your partner did that was a godsend?

Sorry for the long rambly post, I'm just really anxious about becoming a father and want to do the best I can. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

OP posts:
AntennaReborn · 14/04/2020 06:19

You sound lovely OPSmile

One thing that worked for us was to take turns with the evening bath and the going to bed routine. That way, each of us got a bit of a break every other evening, and DD was equally used to either of us putting her to bed, which made things a lot easier in the long run (I had friends who couldn't meet up for a quick evening meal because their babies would scream for hours if anyone else but them put them to bed)

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:21

@Daftodil thank you for your insight. Re breastfeeding - I do believe we were given some formula in a baby package, but I will have to see if I can find hunt some down at the supermarket - those shelves have unfortunately been pretty empty where we usually shop.

My wife is in contact with some of the women fra class, so hopefully there will be some support there.

And I promise I won't - I fear I won't even have energy to do it at all 😂

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 14/04/2020 06:21

I agree with others about just doing it as a team, sharing the care/worries/burden so it isn’t left to one of you. Especially with regards to sleep deprivation, I BF’d and it was all left to me, don’t moan at her about the baby waking you up (tbf it doesn’t sound like you would) sometimes I really wished that DP would just be awake with me when DD wouldn’t settle so I had some company.

Most of all, talk to her and listen

Best of luck, it’s hard going from none to one, the sudden responsibility and worry and love is like being hit by a truck, but it is wonderful too.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:23

@DizzyR you are absolutely right. I didn't mean my post to sound like I am seeking advice on how to help her with taking care of the baby - that is both our job. More what things I could do for her, too ease the pressure on her.

Thank you very much for your advice, I will remember that!

OP posts:
shutthedamndoor · 14/04/2020 06:26

Something my husband and I agreed upon early was to stop the competition about who got the least sleep or whose turn it was to do something. The person who needed to sleep just had to say that, the person with energy just gets on and does whatever's needed. No judgement.
We both trust that we are both giving a hundred percent for our family.
That attitude has helped us manage all sorts of challenges through the years. Our kids are now teenagers and it still works for us.
Good luck to you both!

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:28

@LoveIsLovely I am definitely on your team regarding that! My aim is not to be like that. I wish for my child to be able to rely on me as much as her mother.

Good you have a husband to take care of you. Everyone needs their partner to take care of them sometimes, not just people with mental problems, so don't feel bad about that. I would bet there are several areas where you take care of your husband as well. 🙂

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 14/04/2020 06:29

Breastfeeding is exhausting, painful and unending.

Not for everyone. I genuinely haven't found it painful at all and my baby is an efficient feeder so it doesn't take too long either.

I think it's important not to go overboard - the first few months were tiring but enjoyable with my two. My youngest is 9 months and breastfed so I haven't forgotten it!

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:31

@Judgybitch thank you so much for your very good advice regarding sleep! I'm sure I will be reading them again soon in desperation 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:34

@AntennaReborn thank you for your kind words!
And thank you for the advice, that is definitely a very good idea! I'm determined to be very hands on from the beginning, so whenever I'm gonna have alone time I won't be as screwed as some of my friends have been. I don't ever wanna be in that situation

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:36

@Smellbellina thank you for your insight. I will definitely make sure that I do that, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:38

@shutthedamndoor very sound advice. Will be sure to keep that attitude.
Thank you for taking the time to share your advice!

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Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:41

@Settlersofcatan thank you for your perspective. I can only hope my wife will have the same experience as you!

And you are most certainly right about going overboard. I think it's probably a little hard not to, but absolutely something to be mindful of.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 14/04/2020 06:41

Do at least 50% of the night waking. Sleep deprivation has huge links to mental health disorders.

Nomad86 · 14/04/2020 06:43

Are there any baby and toddler groups nearby? It would be a good place for her to make friends and get support if she's struggling.

Other than that, just cut each other some slack. You'll both be tired, a bit snappy and babies test the best of marriages so just learn to let the little things go for a while.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:47

@Stompythedinosaur you are absolutely right! That is often the first thing that gets the ball rolling, so will be very mindful of that - thank you very much for your advice.

OP posts:
Oggden1 · 14/04/2020 06:50

Breastfeed snacks and water. 1glass for every feed as I found my supply was interrupted.
Also time to herself to shower etc once a day.
You sound ace and congrats

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:51

@Nomad86 there are several luckily! Unfortunately I believe most of them are cancelled/postponed due to the current crisis. I know she talks to some of the women from the classes we took and she has plans of doing baby swimming and gymnastics, so that she can meet and interact with some fellow mothers then.

Thank you for taking the time to give your advice.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 14/04/2020 06:51

What saved my mental health was going back to work pt when babies were four and five months respectively. Don't write that off. For some, being a SAHM isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I also expressed and got them to take from a bottle around ten days (probably not advisable!). I didn't not want a bottle refuser. So much resentment seems to build when mum becomes the default parent because she is bf.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 06:55

@Oggden1 thank you so much for your kind words and advice - drinks and snacks at every opportunity it is then.

OP posts:
Jupiter202020201 · 14/04/2020 06:56

You sound fantastic. You seem very well prepared. One thing I will say that will help her is just be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. Those early weeks can be very emotional and her hormones may be very up and down so she will need emotional consistency from you where possible (I appreciate this is also a huge deal for you too), just taking in to account her previous experience suffering with her mental health. I’m sure it will be great, her having you home for 6 months will be such a huge emotional support. Congratulations and enjoy the adventure.

Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 07:04

@cptartapp thank you for your advice! Nothing is written off regarding her work from my perspective. Several on here have mentioned, as you, how going back to work saved their mental health - I will definitely keep that in mind.

To me it truly does not matter if she wants to work or not, only that she is happy. We are lucky to be in a financial situation where it does not matter if she wants to work or not. All she has to think about is what is most beneficial to her health.

And if she wanted to pick up her job again, I would happily pay any kind of help (cleaning/childcare etc.) I could to make sure everything was taken care of at home, so she wouldn't have to think about that as well. It is completely up to her and I will support her regardless.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousFatherToBe · 14/04/2020 07:09

@Jupiter202020201 thank you so much for your nice words. I believe I'm as prepared as I can be! I don't even think I studied this much for my masters 😂

And thank you very much for your advice. You are so right and I will definitely be looking out for her.

OP posts:
FrancesHaHa · 14/04/2020 07:09

Communication is going to be key, especially with both of you at home. Often the person at home can get into a routine of what works and if one person is at home and one at work this will end up being the dominant routine. With two at home there's a risk you're both trying to say soothe the baby in different ways. In the longer term this can confuse the child and create arguments unless you talk to each other.

Also I had PND and my partner would often come and take the baby when she was crying. It was well intentioned but was really annoying as I was a parent learning how to look after a baby too and needed the chance to do so, not someone swooping in all the time.

YouJustDoYou · 14/04/2020 07:11

Breastfeeding, being a sahp,, all these things at not work out for her - be fluid and adaptable and make sure she knows there's no pressure to do either. She can breastfeed, or not. Sahp, or not. House will be a tip for a long while- not every baby is text book, if it's a screamer/non napper/non sleeper etc (which can last month's and years, not just the 6 weeks some shit websites say), be ready to give her the sleep and breaks she needs. Lack of sleep is utterly horrific. You sound amazing, good luck

Jollypolly999 · 14/04/2020 07:12

Ahh how lovely. What a beautiful soul you are 🥰

For me, I was an emotional rollercoaster with the first. I felt like I couldn't do it, I felt like a failure. It took about 3 months to stop thinking this way (my first is now 7 so I know I can!). Positive praise and reminding her that she is doing an excellent job would be nice, I think sometimes we forget it's a very steep learning and nothing can prepare you for parenthood.

Also I valued my OH taking baby for an hour here and there to let me catch up on sleep. Backrubs for sore back after feeding and offering to share cooking duties would have been welcomed too!!!

Communicate and listen to one another about everything. You sound like you are a sensible and solid couple. I wish you all the best in your new chapter in life xx

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