AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

I cannot see how any court would allow this

I understand it's a hard situation but do you not think his dad finds it hard to be without him those days too? You've said hes a good dad and i's great that your son will have two loving parents who put his needs above their own . Kids are resilient and he will get used to it. As he gets older you can face time and call him. Maybe ask your ex if he can text you an update or picture and you do the same.

Personally I think this kind of arrangement for such a young baby is crazy but you're already doing it. How would you feel if your ex decided he was just going to keep the baby for the same reasons you've said.

He’s far too young to be kettled back and forth between two homes so far apart. That is not sustainable at all.

How do you think this will play out when your son starts nursery?
This kind of arrangement really can’t work due to the distance involved. Surely both of you see that?

I have a 6 month old and he wouldn’t cope at all without me around. He looks for me for comfort not his dad. That must be so hard for both of you

This is not practical in the longterm, and I don't believe it's in the best interests of your baby. I understand you've wanted to make things as fair as possible for both parents, but longterm it needs to be looked at, because driving a young child that distance wont work when it comes to nursery and school years.

How long have you had this arrangement for?

Is it just me who thinks that this very much can be done? Seems fair but can you devide the driving you drive there He drives back.

Just stop and tell him to go through court.

I think it's a very good arrangement. Your childs father has just as much right to see your child and have a good relationship as you. I imagine he misses him just as much when he's parted.
There is nothing at all wrong with a child having an equal bond with both parents. If this is what he's used to and he's settled then that seems positive. Of course things may need to change in the future but your baby is 5mths, school is many many years in the future.

This arrangement is insane. When did you split and how long have you been doing this? No court would order custody like this for such a young baby. Your baby needs you as the primary carer, not half and half.

Who's interest is the arrangement in? And to the pp saying it's fair, how is that fair for a young child? It's fair for the parents but a child is not an object to be 'shared'. Op, I don't know about courts but I do know about child development and babies need one main carer. This setup, for such a young child, is not in his interests, it serves parents but not him. I feel for you not wanting to rock the boat but you've got to do what's best for your child and your relationship with your ex needs to come second to that. He absolutely needs a relationship with his son but not at the cost of your son becoming securely attached (and therefore affecting every single one of his future relationships).

Babies of this age need a stable primary caregiver - it's really important for their neurological development:

www.naturalchild.org/articles/guest/susan_markel.html

@MaryShelley1818 Not when they are an hour and a half apart FGS

What happens when baby starts nursery/school and has a 1 hour 30 minute commute in half the week?

Have you heard of attachment theory? If not, I'd strongly recommend you read about it to better understand the importance of getting the set up right for your child (not for you and his dad). Good luck and go with your gut, it's telling you something is wrong because it is!

I guess once nursery starts one of you will have to move closer to the other eventually....?

As for lockdown period, I don't know how good/platonic your relationship is, but I do know two divorced couples who have temporarily moved back together to be with their child for the duration. Obviously wouldn't work if you didn't get on!

Otherwise no advice really, I get it, it is heartbreaking being a Mum torn from her child. But equally he is getting to develop a good relationship with you both.

I would probably stop and just go through the court it's not going to work long term anyhow. What happens when your child starts preschool/school. Maybe he can have him every other weekend. A baby does need mum more than dad at that age. I don't care what anyone says. But he does need both parents definitely long term.

OR you could try explaining about attachment theory, and that baby really needs to hear mum's heartbeat & voice etc, that you're finding it really hard, and would he mind just having weekends (Fri-Sun/Mon)? Until he's a bit older? Just try to explain how you feel

Very Un-PC here but to me the mother (unless abusive etc) should always be the number 1 parent until the baby is at least one year old. Is there any way you can just refuse and say your ex can come down at the weekends and visit at your house?

It's bloody stupid and is terrible for your baby who must be as confused as hell. Keep your baby at home and let him take you to court.
Such a young child should be with it's mother not tossed about like a parcel.
Even sharia law recognises this.
When did a mothers role become so denigrated like this - your baby could develop severe separation anxiety.

This is ludicrous... in all for fathers sharing parental duties... but babies need their mothers... it's a biological need

Stop this now.

Your ds will develop an attachment disorder!

Babies need a Primary carer.

If ex wants lots of contact he will have to do daily visits.

A baby this age needs to sleep in the same bed every night.

You are laying the seeds for a lot of future psychological trauma if you continue like this!

@NicLondon1 - surely 'weekends (Fri-Sun/Mon) is basically what they are doing now - 3 days dad 4 days mum

Personally I would hate that much apart from my kids (but fairly sure my DH would also hate that much apart) so I do see both sides

Much as I hate to say it I think it depends who moved away (assuming when you were together you lived with/near each other - if this was always a long distance thing I'm not sure what the solution is) - if HE moved I think you have more of a reason to say the contact arrangements don't work (especially in light of COVID and unnecessary travel - I know they say seperated parents can still both see the kids but 3 hours drive to do drop off/pick up is excessive) however if you moved that far away it seems harsh to punish him for your choice (even though you probably had good reason for it)