Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

321 replies

Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 21:49

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

OP posts:
YeahWhatevver · 14/04/2020 09:02

Yeah, this isn't suitable.

But how about you give over 100% care to him and you visit......?

Not as palatable to the frothing gang of outraged mothers on here but no less caring, loving, attentive or nurturing by the sounds of it.

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 09:04

@YeahWhatevver have you ANY knowledge of basic biology?

YeahWhatevver · 14/04/2020 09:06

floatygoat

Erm.... yes....

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/04/2020 09:08

A mother and a father are not equal care givers in the first year- as unpalatable as that is in 2020,
it’s a biological fact!

ChrissieKeller61 · 14/04/2020 09:09

Why has he moved an 1.5 hours away from his child ? The only solution here is one of you needs to move closer and you both see the baby every day.

floatygoat · 14/04/2020 09:10

@YeahWhatevver

Why on earth are you trying to pretend that the mother didn't grow this baby for 9 months inside her and enact the natural, instinctive role of mother and primary care giver to her infant then?

In some cases the father may be a more suitable primary care giver and take on this role but this is clearly not the case here.

Court would recognise this and they do not recommend separating an infant from its mother like this.

Basic common sense.

MerryDeath · 14/04/2020 09:10

personally i do not believe in equality when it comes to babies. you are the mum, the baby grew in your body and should be with you. it's in humane to separate you.

Sallysshoes · 14/04/2020 09:11

@floatygoat
Unless the baby is exclusively breast fed there is no reason at all that the primary care giver needs to be the Mother. What about children adopted by gay fathers? You believe that they're not being care for properly because they don't have a female parent?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 14/04/2020 09:11

Absolute madness. Your poor baby. Go to court FFS.

cherrybunx0 · 14/04/2020 09:12

babys needs outweighs fathers rights. every single time. I'm all for both parents having equal rights but its fundamentally wrong to separate a 5 month old baby from its mother, who according to OP, has been the primary caregiver his whole life thus far. argue all you like - this is wrong, no court would put this in place.

bless you, sounds like you are already feeling guilty for leaving but dont beat yourself up these things happen and you are trying to be fair to the dad. This just isnt the way to do it, please dont worry about your relationship atm with the dad, your sons needs must come first.

@Sallysshoes you are talking out your arse

cherrybunx0 · 14/04/2020 09:14

@YeahWhatevver as are you

Sallysshoes · 14/04/2020 09:14

You're all so critical of the father here but she is the one who left and moved 90 minutes away, she caused this situation not him but you're all saying he doesn't have a right to his child because he's not the Mother! Disgusting attitude! A child has the right to know both of it's parents and he didn't ask for his baby to be taken away from him 4 days a week but the mother did because this was her choice!

ChrissieKeller61 · 14/04/2020 09:14

Those shouting go to court ... have you ever been to family court ? Its no fun at all and the thing is the judges don't always agree with you or indeed apply any logic whatsoever to situations. It really is better to sort it out between yourselves.

tiredanddangerous · 14/04/2020 09:16

Completely insane to hand a 5 month old baby over to him for half of every week. You were also massively unfair to move his son 1.5 hours away from him.

JillAndJack1 · 14/04/2020 09:16

I thought every other weekend is what the court put in place most of the time for fathers/ was pretty standard, has this changed?

YeahWhatevver · 14/04/2020 09:17

OnlyFoolsnMothers

Only if the mother is breastfeeding, assuming the baby's on formula, which must be the case to be away from his mother for 3 days so what's the difference?

This is the usual nonsense you read being spouted on MN all the time where people jump to the rescue of an OP not because they're right, simply because they're a woman.

I'm not seriously suggesting OP gives over full custody a baby, but to suggest that the baby NEEDS to be with OP purely because she's his mother and his father is not a suitable sole parent in the early years is utterly ridiculous

Thousands of same sex male couples and single fathers raise babies every day. I'm sorry to break it to you all but mothers don't exclusively have magic formula to baby raising.

My BIL was a sole parent to a baby and it never even crossed my mind to think that the baby was getting short changed because everyone knows that only a woman has the necessary attributes to raise them

SunshineCake · 14/04/2020 09:17

*@Chrissie.... at least read the OPs posts. HE didn't move 1.5 hours away, the OP did.

ChrissieKeller61 · 14/04/2020 09:19

@SunshineCake - Ahhh well she needs to move back then. Simple. Glad to have been of service. Next.

Sushiroller · 14/04/2020 09:21

This insane. I am amazed at the responses.
50/50 might be fair on the dad but it is not good for your child

Your child needs a stable primary caregiver
You need to stop this arrangment and read up on attachment!

champagneandfromage50 · 14/04/2020 09:24

Call a solicitor, you can usually get a free 30 minute slot and get some advice.

sauvignonblancplz · 14/04/2020 09:25

YABVU

You chose to move a 5month old baby 90minutes away for their parent? Before the split did either of you work?
A baby can absolutely cope being away for three days, if they didn’t how does the mother cope when working 12hour shifts and the baby is potentially sent to a childminder, crèche or grandparent to be collected and brought home by dad without seeing mum.

For those wailing about attachment parenting , the OP removed the child from their familiar surroundings. It sounds to me, like most couples who have a new baby , you’ve been struggling and instead of trying to fix it and do what’s best for the child you’ve up sticks and moved.
How is it ok to keep a baby from his dad? A hands on dad who you said was very good with your son?

Your child is not an object- you need to move back to the child’s home and work it out from there . You can’t just run away with a baby and then cry cause you miss them. How do you think your partner feels?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/04/2020 09:25

YeahWhatevver we aren’t going to agree as clearly you view mothers as mere vessels to carry the baby for 9 months.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2020 09:28

Absolutely appalling that you got pregnant with this man only to immediately leave him, move away, and then occupy yourself trying to find ways to stop him from seeing him because you are so much more important, and people think that is fair enough. Unless your baby is breastfed this thread is pure sexism, it's been awful to read.

However these are not normal times and this sounds like a highly irresponsible plan during lockdown. I think the moral thing to do is probably to move back in with him (with boundaries) until it blows over, so you can both see the baby and build on your bond with him. At the very least you should not be making the journey as often as you are. The safest alternative is to keep him just with you, but it should be purely about Covid, not because "I miss him and think I'm more important so should get my way".

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 14/04/2020 09:30

@Onlyfoolsnmothers what happens mother dies? Or is otherwise incapable of caring for the child?

midnightstar66 · 14/04/2020 09:30

I think as you are already doing this then court would support continuing. If baby is happy then it sounds fine, he's going to have a huge bond with his dad now

Swipe left for the next trending thread