Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

321 replies

Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 21:49

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

OP posts:
ECBC · 13/04/2020 23:56

This arrangement is not sustainable and sounds dreadfully stressful

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 14/04/2020 00:06

@Wheresthebiffer2 we had a house together I moved out as I couldn’t take it any more I can’t be with my ex so I moved back into my family house which happens to be an hour an a half drive away. My ex pays most of the bills at our house so he is staying and as I’m the one that initiated the split I’m moved out. He’s trying to buy me out of my share of the house so that I can buy a place of my own. And I’ll probably move closer by the end of covid 19 (can’t do anything now as no one is buying or selling). There is no chance of reconciliation and I will be moving but until then we are doing it 4 days me 3 days him which I think isn’t fair on a baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 14/04/2020 00:07

@copperoliver so what do I do? I can’t afford to take him to court nor do I want to just keep our baby from him especially as he wants to see his son as much as possible and I don’t want our co parenting relationship to be ruined. :(

OP posts:
PinaColadaintheRain · 14/04/2020 00:11

I’m shocked that a court would support that. This is not in the best interests of a baby and if I were you I’d fight tooth and nail to have one primary residence. Babies need consistency and routine, and really preferably one main carer. That is in their best interests.

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 14/04/2020 00:14

@PinaColadaintheRain so shall I take him to court? I really can’t afford that right now so I was hoping to come to an agreement with him. I don’t know how to get it through to his head and don’t want him to think I’m trying to take his son away from him I just want what is best for our baby :(

OP posts:
PinaColadaintheRain · 14/04/2020 00:14

In answer to what should you do, do what you think is best for your baby. It’s that simple. Not for you, not for him, do what your baby needs, they are only a baby once and you as mother and primary carer before you split, and do what you did then. You only get one shot at this.

PinaColadaintheRain · 14/04/2020 00:20

I wouldn’t try to persuade, I’d start by doing what is best for your baby and standing firm on that. Always frame it in that way. Your ex can agree or disagree, but that is out of your control. You can get legal aid maybe? But even so, it should not stop you from being very clear and strong about what is best for your baby. You sound like you feel you have made a mistake. Say that. Get support, from your family and friends. He’s stayed at the house ‘because he can afford the bills’. Which isn’t right really, you were the primary cared and it sounds as if you’ve adjusted yourself around him, because he financially holds the cards.

If I were you I’d outline what you feel your baby needs, really see this through your babies viewpoint. See yourself as speaking for the child. Don’t explain just say what your baby needs and be strong. Then take it from there. Be assertive. Take everything one step at a time.

DrManhattan · 14/04/2020 00:25

I'd feel sick handing my baby over for so long

Lilymossflower · 14/04/2020 00:27

Personally, since you said you did everything for baby when you were together, I would be questions how hands on he really is when your not there

Aside from that , baby needs mum at this age, and yes needs a primary home and primary caregiver for both emotional and logistical reasons, and the setup you have isn't right for that.

I would say the best setup would be baby with you full time untill lockdown is over and then dad can visit in the days to see baby and then have him overnight when he is old enough for it to be benificial to him, at the moment it's probably not beneficial to him to be apart from mum overnight especially if still breastfeeding but also different sleep/ eating routines and parenting will be confusing at this age

TunnocksOrDeath · 14/04/2020 00:29

You have my utmost respect and sympathy. Currently your baby spends100% of their time with a parent who loves them. It isn’t usual or ideal, but he doesn’t know different and if he always feels loved, that’s a darn sight more than a lot of kids get, and you are amazing for the effort you are making. Being without your son three days a week must be heart-wrenching for you, and that is a big factor in what you do next. I think you’re betting off having a talk with someone qualified in child psychology, rather than letting people on the internet scare you with dire warnings about attachment theory (which i’m told actually prioritises quality, rather than uniqueness, of care provision). Can you persuade your ex to live close-by so that you can share care in a way that has your son at home with you every night, and with his dad for a couple of days a week, at least at the moment (you need some rest!) He’ll need to be at play-group, then nursery and then school before you know it, and you need an arrangement that’s sustainable to get him there from either household, which means living near each other.

Lilymossflower · 14/04/2020 00:29

Most solicitors do free 30 Mon appts you should give that a go for advice from a legal viewpoint.

Court prioritizes the child's needs over the parents wants and the child needs to be living with you right now so it shouldn't matter if that's different from what dad wants because it's what the child needs..

Frozenfan2019 · 14/04/2020 00:33

How reasonable is he? Could you say that you've thought it over and you think baby is too young to be away from his mother for so long. Perhaps eow for now with the plan to review it in six months?

A 5 month old baby needs an awful lot of care and attention. Does he work?

Frozenfan2019 · 14/04/2020 00:34

Eow meaning every other weekend

ZenDay · 14/04/2020 00:35

What a stupid arrangement. My husband could not have even fed our baby without me. He didn't lactate. And he couldn't have gone to work with a baby to take care of all day long.

You never feel like 'lovers' forever.

Secondsop · 14/04/2020 00:37

Agree with all the comments about framing this with your ex as a question of the baby’s best interests, rather than the parents’ individual needs. A conversation starting from the point of how hard you find it to leave him just sets things up for your ex to say “it’s not exactly easy for me to leave him either”. It sounds like a really tough situation to manage but at least the baby has 2 parents that love him so you’ve got a decent basis for reaching an agreement that gives the baby some more stability for the time being especially as so much changes in the first year already for a baby (eg he’ll be weaning soon and that’s a big change for him and his sleep patterns will be evolving all the time so sleeping in the same bed so far as possible would be a great help for him). Also, you’re not selfish at all for wanting this for him.

returnofthecat · 14/04/2020 00:42

How would you feel about (temporarily) living together during the lockdown so you can co-parent?

Travelling 1.5 hours during a pandemic to handover a baby every 3 days seems a little insane. If you can't find a way of living nearer each other, and neither one of you is prepared to be separated from the baby, would living together for the next few months be an option (with some very clear lines drawn)?

I know you've only just moved out, but you were trying to leave the relationship behind. You've done that now. Could this be a sacrifice you've both prepared to make to ensure neither of you miss out? It doesn't sound fun, but it sounds less stressful on the baby than all the frequent travel.

Of course, if emotions are still raw on either side, the above might not work - but it's perhaps worth considering.

NotNowPlzz · 14/04/2020 00:42

Absolute rubbish re one attachment figure. Babies fare best with three attachment figures.

Frozenfan2019 · 14/04/2020 00:43

@returnofthecat I was thinking this too. Assuming you are safe there OP could you move to the spare room/sofa and review in six weeks?

boylovesmeerkats · 14/04/2020 00:59

I think it's wonderful that your other half has that relationship, bond and attachment it's really important. You should be really proud of yourselves for giving your baby chance to have two loving parents who really know them. But I think you both need to discuss living closer to each other for the benefit of your child. Even half an hour closer for either of you would make a difference.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/04/2020 01:37

It probably is easier for the baby to have one stable home - and certainly not to have to travel so far and so often; but there are a lot of proclamations that the stable parent has to be the mother. Unless a baby is being breastfed, why is this? What do dads whose wives die in childbirth do, if a baby's primary carer absolutely 'has' to be the mother? Stand back helplessly and watch their child's life be organically destroyed in front of their eyes, I presume....

It sounds like somebody will have to give, especially if/when the baby starts nursery, but why is it assumed that a mother will be heartbroken having to go 3 days without seeing her baby but a man who already has to go 4 days without seeing his baby should be expected to give that up without a murmur of disappointment? If he's be the kind of father who would just say "Oh, well - the baby's no longer going to be a regular part of my life; that's that, then, now what's on TV?" then why would you dream of trusting him with the baby for 3 days a week already?

This is the kind of automatic attitude that leads to decent fathers being sidelined as some kind of accessory and gives the far-less-than-decent dads an instant 'out' and an excuse not to do anything. Well, why would he possibly be expected to bother doing his share when 'babies only really need their mothers'? It's obviously all her job, pressure and responsibility....

At least be honest and admit that you assume the baby should stay with his mum because that's what you want. Otherwise, you'd first be deciding whether he should stay mainly with one parent and then, if you decide that he should, considering which parent he would be better off staying with.

"Babies just are better off with their mums, because they just are."

"Full-time and/or well-paid jobs just are more suited to men, because they just are."

Can't have it both ways.

Geepipe · 14/04/2020 01:46

How amicable is the relationship op? Is ex a reasonable guy to discuss this with properly? And as pp said if its safe and not hostile could you move in with him for the duration of the pandemic just so he sees ds? Or even if he stays the 3 days at your parents place on the sofa to see ds?

Geepipe · 14/04/2020 01:50

Probably a very inpopular opinion but i do think in most cases the primary care giver should be the mother. Not talking about extremely rare cases where the mother dies or walks out and the dad raises the baby.

But the mother grows that baby inside her for months and has bonding hormones that a man simply can never have. Even when she doesnt breastfeed she still has all them instinctive hormones that a male simply doesnt. That doesnt mean a man loves his child less but he certainly doesnt feel the same way a woman does about her baby. And i think its not just beneficial to the babys health and wellbeing but i feel its very bad for a mothers mental health to be away from her little vulnerable baby for so long.

Chloemol · 14/04/2020 01:56

Your ex is just an entitled to see his son as you are.

Geepipe · 14/04/2020 02:15

No one said he can't see his son. What people are saying is he doesnt need to spend 3 nights alone with such a young baby.

Also with regards to sids isnt the guidelines to sleep in the parents room for 6 months? Doesnt swapping households 4:3 stop that protection?

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 14/04/2020 04:52

CAFCASS usually recommend on the basis of visits around 3 hours several times a week, up to eighteen months progressing gradually to monthly overnights over the age of two, progressing to EOW including overnights between 3&4, for the non primary carer, although this will depend on the child and other circumstances and regular multiple overnights under the age of five may not be mandated depending on a variety of factors