AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

Yet another eye opener of at read where mother's really think they should have more rights when it comes to benefiting them in a swamp of threads where mother's are insulting men for not treating them equally when it doesn't suit them.

OP, my heart goes to you it really does, but in the real world, where mothers are not selfish and convinced they are better than anyone else, most would tell you that your baby is thriving from this arrangement building an equal bond with both of you. Why would a baby get more out of mother than a father when both are being good parent? Having held it into your womb for 9 month is not much relevant for a baby as long as they get love and affection, food and stimulation from their carer.

If the arrangement has been in place, is working and baby is thriving, I doubt a judge would change it. On which basis would they do so? Your a mother so you should have more rights?

Where is everyone getting the idea that babies can only form an attachment to one caregiver? This seems to be plucked out of thin air.
Loads of babies go to a CM, are with granny and love her to bits, or spend two days a week at home with mum and two with dad.
The main problem at the moment is the travel.
Can you have say 4 days with dad every other week, halving the travel?

It's not about being fair on the dad, it's recognising that babies and children have a right to know and be with their father for their own good. I'm sorry but the thought that my husband would only have seen his children for a weekend every other week is horrible, he's been there every step of the way. He's every much a parent as me, although I did breastfeed and it is helpful that I love him. If the argument is over how well he can manage with a baby then fair enough but mums are not automatically better at parenting than dads. You've got to think of the long game here too, this is a lifelong relationship between this baby and these two people, care needs to be taken. Yes people grow up without dads and do fine, but even with the most amazing mothers and extended families it is something that the children are aware of and need to overcome. Dad just being someone to pop in and see every couple of weeks is not going to be the same sort of relationship as someone that cares for them nearly equally.

If you've only been doing this for a week then stop it and explain that you hadn't realised that this arrangement isn't best for baby. And it really isn't best for baby and contact arrangements are about what's best for the child, not what's fair to the parents.

Please don't carry on doing this, I did this with my daughter and she wasn't even that young (15 months when me and her dad started a 3/4 arrangement) and it really messed up her attachment and caused issues for years.

Absolutely appalling that you got pregnant with this man only to immediately leave him, move away, and then occupy yourself trying to find ways to stop him from seeing him because you are so much more important, and people think that is fair enough. Unless your baby is breastfed this thread is pure sexism, it's been awful to read.

Absolutely agree with this

You've used this poor man like a sperm donor

By the way this is what OP wrote on another thread..,,,
*
I only had my son because I was using it as a way to try to fix my relationship with my ex hoping it would make me love him.....*

@lovelydream it's not really the done thing to troll hunt people and quote other posts

@ChrissieKeller61
No but people offering up advice really need to have a fuller picture otherwise why bother asking a forum of strangers for their opinions

FAR FAR too young for this, there's not a court anywhere who would authorise this. Your baby needs a main carer and stability, so YOU need to be the main carer and have baby stay with you with your ex visiting.
I wouldn't let the ex have the baby for more than a half a day a time at that age.
I have a DW, and the babies had the strongest attachment to me at that age as the primary care giver, and she recognised that and was fine with it. I was BF too which would have made it almost impossible for DW to have the babies for too long on her own.
You need to put your baby's needs first, and tell the father that it's the way it's going to be. Even when kids are 3/4/5 courts don't want them shuttling between homes 50/50 - it's too disruptive.
This isn't about your needs or your ex's wants/needs this is what's best for the baby, and you as mother have a responsibility to be strong and make a stand.

@ChrissieKeller61 Hardly troll hunting? It actually provides some context. That’s an insane way of thinking & puts in perspective OPs poor decision making.

But she has ovaries so obviously is right on all fronts when it comes to parenting

'By the way this is what OP wrote on another thread..,,,
*
I only had my son because I was using it as a way to try to fix my relationship with my ex hoping it would make me love him....*.'

AND? IS OP the only person in the world who's had a kid thinking that it might help/save their relationship? Or have a kid despite misgivings over a relationship long term? No, she's not so this is irrelevant.

We have whittled it down to him getting our son two time’s a week and me five. We will change it eventually when I move closer to his dad I’m waiting for his dad to buy me out of my share of the house so that I can buy somewhere closer once covid-19 is over. I have to wait until then as I can’t afford to rent close to where he lives until I get the cash. I’m staying with my family as a favour for free because I can’t afford to pay for two households. I understand leaving was rash but I felt this way even during my pregnancy and I couldn’t take it anymore I was miserable in the relationship and was being taken for granted and not being treated now I should and I got fed up. I don’t want to be with my ex again and he was fine with me having custody of our son until reality sunk in that there’s no chance of us getting back together and now he is suddenly interested in our son and wants him more often although I did everything for our son before. I cant afford to go back and forth in court nor do I want to just snatch our son and expect to wait for him to take me to court that wouldn’t be fair to him (he’s a crap partner not a crap dad) and I don’t want our co parenting to be completely messed up. I think two days a week is enough for him and I can also come over during those days to see my son and take him out. And then we work something else out once I move closer to my ex. What do you think?

A mother and a father are not equal care givers in the first year- as unpalatable as that is in 2020,
it’s a biological fact!

Could you please elaborate on these ‘facts’ where a baby isn’t being breastfed? I’d be very interested to learn some new established science!

personally i do not believe in equality when it comes to babies. you are the mum, the baby grew in your body and should be with you. it's in humane to separate you.

I don’t believe in equality in the workplace if an employee is a mum, because giving her a job will contribute to the inhumanity of separating her from her child, and so is cruel and unthinkable. It's for the best of everybody in society if you always give a job to a man, wherever possible, because he will never be a mother. She’s not a ‘person’ any more – her main/only job is as a mum, so she needs to stay with her child at all times and mustn’t ever feel that somebody else can possibly share the burden (and the joys) of her child.

If somebody has been irresponsible enough to give a woman a job, even though they know that she is a mother, and her baby is sick, she must always be the one to take time off to care for the child. It’s not something that you could ever reasonably expect a father to consider doing, because parents are not equal and this is the mother’s responsibility as her baby needs her more than they need their father.

Hang on, wait a minute….

babys needs outweighs fathers rights. every single time.
I completely agree, 100%.

Baby’s needs outweighs mother’s rights. every single time.
I also agree with this 100%.

The tiny baby didn’t ask to be born and is helpless and innocent in all of this – it is up to the adults who decided for him/her to be born to make any necessary sacrifices.

If he is a good hands on dad then it is great. Your child has two parents. Hopefully your child will always have 2 very supportive parents. You are both giving your child love and care.

Too many children don't get to see their fathers for lots of different reasons - sometimes useless dads and sometimes mums that want to keep the child for themselves because no one can love child as much as me/it's not fair I only get 4 days (although he only gets 3)..... you can see where this is going.. dad gets pushed away... controlling mum.... sometimes dad takes to court/pushes back.... some dads give up and gradually see less and less of their child.... some mums then complains dad not interested in said child ..... or various different scenarios

Could your ex come and stay with you for those three days a week and take over primary care duties? Then at least the poor little soul has the consistency of familiar surroundings, smells etc but develops a good bond with Daddy.

Our 16mo is equally attached to DP and I (actually probably more to DP atm as he's now out of work and I'm a teacher WFH) but he would absolutely insist upon a stable home base for her in the case of a split, as much as it would break his heart.

Many many children I have taught cope with separated parents just fine, but they know which house is 'home', and it provides them with a sense of security.

I think you need to get actually help & stop posting York version of events on a platform where people actually don’t know the whole story.

You’ve said in previous posts that the dad plays with him for ages and supports you very well and now you’re changing that.

You’ve said you’re struggling with mental health- you need to realise that all this ‘rash’ decision making is going to have an adverse affect on your co-parenting relationship with your partner and will affect your son’s well being.
You need to seek some counselling both for yourself and your partner ASAP. This can be done over zoom. You need to stop asking strangers questions and talk to your partner and put more energy into making permanent , long term decisions that create stability and routine.

Stop messing everyone around.

*actual
*your sorry my phone screen is terrible.

@tiredanddangerous he asked me to move out (my ex) I wanted it to be where I slept in the spare room and we co parented our son until I could afford to buy a flat nearby the house but he refused asking me to leave saying he couldn’t live in the same house as me anymore if we aren’t together..

Totally agree with this
"Absolutely appalling that you got pregnant with this man only to immediately leave him, move away, and then occupy yourself trying to find ways to stop him from seeing him because you are so much more important, and people think that is fair enough. Unless your baby is breastfed this thread is pure sexism, it's been awful to read."

Controlling from the start. Have a look at your behaviour OP. Now the baby is here he is a good dad. He starts with 3 days and now you say whittled down to 2.....

I feel incredibly sad when thinking where this will end in a few years. Please don't me 'that person' always, always put the child first and not yourself.

what happens mother dies? Or is otherwise incapable of caring for the child? that’s not a choice- and I’m writing this as someone who was raised by their father when my mother died when I was 8!
Lots of situations in life aren’t perfect but I wouldn’t orchestrate a child’s life on purpose for this.

Actually sauvignonblancplz has posted some really good advice for you. Have a read, have a think, try to be objective about your behaviour from before the baby was born....

Perhaps seek some advice for your mental health.

@sauvignonblancplz he plays with him and Is a hands on dad when he has him, but generally I do the night feeds, take him to appointments, remember his medication, buy his toys books and clothes and actually do all of the hard work. Just playing with him after work and giving him some attention is not enough. I take our son out for walks read to him and give him proper baths. My ex doesn’t he does the basics which is not enough to me :(

We have whittled it down to him getting our son two time’s a week and me five.

Maybe it's just semantics, but I don't think it's helpful at ll to think/talk about whichever parent 'getting' the baby as though he's some kind of reward or prize.

He is the most important person in all of this and his needs come first, with the adults working around him to best provide him with his needs.

Alot of misunderstandings about attachment theory. Babies need secure attachments to specific adults but it can be a number of adults. At it's most basic a child needs to know that if it has a problem an adult will sort it. That might be the same adult all the time or a range of adults.

I'm staggered how some on here can just dismiss the fathers role in the childs relationship and say that the mother should make him travel or see him less. This situation is not ideal but at least both parents can show him love and be present in his development.