AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

No probs, Tjsmumma

I lived like this from babyhood until I was 18. I hated it. My relationships with my parents are not easy now.
I was very unhappy, anxious and insecure as a child, I still have various emotional problems as an adult that I blame entirely on 50/50 custody. I’m really sorry to be entirely negative about it but in my experience it’s an awful burden to put on to a baby or child. He needs to be with you, his primary carer. His dad can come to visit him with you there, at your place. Your son can have a lovely time doing that and can still build a great relationship with his dad one-on-one with time alone, when he’s older. Sorry to be so blunt because you’re both trying to do the right thing. But your son still has the same basic needs as every other baby, whatever his parents’ relationship is like.

This thread is a fathers for justice free for all!

Disgusting disregard for an infants emotional needs.

This thread is a fathers for justice free for all!

Are you referring to the nutty extremist group of that name which is known for employing strategies and pursuing agendas of very dubious provenance - or is it just the idea in general that fathers should be considered to be at all important in their child's life that you object to?

If the latter, then countless feckless men throughout the land who want the pleasures of what it does to make babies but not the responsibility of parenting them afterwards (or supporting them financially, if they can possibly avoid it) will all heartily agree with and thank you.

Has anybody actually come up with a valid reason why biology or nature dictates that a non-breast-fed baby must automatically need their mother more than their father in the event of a split?

Otherwise, as 'scientific reasoning' goes, it sounds on a par with proclaiming that men are 'proven' to be better drivers than women because "well, they just are, aren't they - everybody knows that - why else are most lorry drivers, bus drivers and taxi drivers men if not because it's a skill that women just aren't as capable at doing?"

Feelings aren't facts.

Just to clarify, I personally am NOT gainsaying the suggestion that 50/50 parenting/contact time can make life very difficult and be disadvantageous for the child.

It's just the assumption that, even in a case where the mother is the one who chooses to leave a safe, amicable family setup, she is automatically the primary carer 'because it would break her heart not to see her child for days at a time' - a feeling which it is assumed is totally incompatible with having male chromosomes.

It reminds me of the contestants on The Apprentice (and similar shows) who plead with Lord Sugar not to be 'fired' "because I REALLY want this opportunity" - as though the others who've gone through the same rigorous and lengthy processes wouldn't be especially fussed either way and have just come on the show for a bit of a laugh. Except that's just an entertainment programme and not a child's life we're talking about.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I really resisted commenting again but your comments are infuriating as when you are bringing up biology you are clearly referring to me and my posts. however I have stated several times I believe both parents play an important role but there are things only mum can do and vice versa and this is not necessarily a bad thing.

she is the main caregiver in this situation whether you like it or not - not because she is a woman but because she did the lionshare of looking after him his first 5 months.

it may not suit the narrative you're trying to push but @BeesElbows has given an account to how she feels it negatively affected her and opinion he should stay with his mum.

oh and the reason I havent been coming back on to you to respond or further back my point is because you clearly dont listen to anyone and believe you are completely right. you used the word "valid" so have deemed your argument to be correct and above the rest of us so what's the point?

You still haven't given any examples of what things mum can do other than dad other than breastfeeding once the baby is born cherry

That's the infuriating thing here, you just keep saying it with absolutely no examples or evidence to back it up.

A baby bonds with their mother before they are born, after they are born it takes months before they even realise they are a separate person from their mother so in that sense it is very different to separate an infant from their mother compared to separating from their father.

And at any age in early childhood, separating from the primary caregiver, be that the mother or the father, is an issue.

@aSofaNearYou but what do I need to back up? we are biologically different, you really need me to list all the ways how? why are you trying to push that I have said men are inferior? I have said in this case the mum is the main caregiver so shouldnt be removed from her for 72 hours at a time. I also said the way I feel about my own child, that I personally wouldn't be able to cope because ding ding I am her main caregiver. we arent talking about children of all ages here, we are talking about very young babies.
and if you really wanna get funny (and I'm not putting down formula fed here, I believe fed is best) then the fact woman naturally produce food for the young says a LOT in terms of what their natural role is from a BIOLOGICAL point of view.
I think you've got me confused with other posters who must have said mums are the best always or something - either way your preaching to the wrong crowd. as someone who grew up without their dad and who highly values the father of their own child you're not gonna get me to say I think either trumps the other - just that we play different roles in their lives, at different ages, for good reason

@cherrybunx0 I'm not trying to push you to say anything, but you keep saying only mothers can do certain things, people ask what things, and you just repeat that they are different. We all know men and women are different (physically) but in what way does that make a difference to who should be main caregiver, unless the baby is breastfed? What can women do got babies that men can't? Examples are necessary for an argument to stack up.

I find it interesting that people are absolutely torn to shreds on here if they discuss gender disappointment because "the only difference between a boy and girl are their genitals" yet on threads like this it's a totally different story.

but feeding and carrying the baby IS the massive biological difference here? other than that I said we tend to play different roles in a babies life..I also never said one or the other SHOULD be main caregiver but in this situation and in mine that the mother IS..again I think you're getting me mixed up with other posters on here

those two situations have no correlation whatsoever - if anything I have said men and women are physically different not that they arent - again not relevant to anything I have personally said. with gender disappointment I think those people get torn to shreds because there are a lot of people on here who are struggling to conceive

@Cheerybunx0

Carrying a baby is no longer relevant once the baby is born in terms of caring for the child, and not everyone breastfeeds. So what else is there? How do you see the differing roles of mothers and fathers?

You said things like separating a baby from it's mother is unnatural, your partner wouldn't dream of having them overnight because of how it would make you feel etc.

I'm not getting you confused with anyone else, my argument is general and stems from the pages and pages of people saying mum should be the main caregiver by default and she should just stop contact, but you specifically are the person that has come back time and time again to say something like "I'm not saying fathers aren't important but mothers and fathers just aren't the same and women can do things men can't". You still haven't said what those things are other than carrying the baby and breastfeeding. I don't think it's that strange for people to be questioning what you think those things are, given the amount of times you have said it.

those two situations have no correlation whatsoever - if anything I have said men and women are physically different not that they arent - again not relevant to anything I have personally said. with gender disappointment I think those people get torn to shreds because there are a lot of people on here who are struggling to conceive

How do they not have correlation? It's unthinkable on here to suggest that the sex of the baby affects what they will be like and be capable of, but it is "political correctness" to say that continues into adulthood. Since the ability to raise a baby has nothing to do with genitals, the physical differences should make no difference once the baby is born/weaned, by the logic applied by MN to expecting parents with gender disappointment.

okay hun I'm gonna just let you have this one because you are expecting to me to keep repeating myself by asking me the same questions over and over again but you dont like my answers and then slate me because I havent changed my answer.

i was talking about the OP in question and my personal situation, I have said this already. I have already told you what I think those things are as has other posters - really not my problem if you dont like what I have to say or dont agree

There is a different bond between mothers and baby than baby and others. When I was in the mist of PND and PNA and feeling suicidal (MIL actually stated no one would miss me, someone else would like after DD) and my psychologist was clear that many children separated from their mother feel an unresolved longing or 'something missing' as an adult even if they are not sure why. We are very good in society at degrading the role of women and mothers with 'well anyone can do that' because otherwise we might offend those precious sensitive men but the reality is the mother baby bond is special. Separation anxiety is real, children bringing attachment issues into adulthood is real.

😂 no you really haven't explained it. Saying women can do things men can't isn't the same as explaining what those things are.

I have also told you why I think gender disappointment threads get the response they do - completely irrelevant to this thread

@cherrybunx0 so why can't a male be primary caregiver then? If mother isn't breastfeeding? Just because she carried the baby? 🤔

what are you actually all talking about? I never said they couldnt, I said in this situation and mine the mother is the main care giver. I also said we are biologically different and play different roles. the end.

there are posters on here who have literally said they think the mother is essentially superior but you are trying to single me out because I said we are biological different, can do certain things from a biological point of view differently (yes breastfeeding is a biggie!), dont like the fact that I havent changed my answer, and are conveniently missing the fact I have said how important both parents are and that I think they are equal?

jeez how bored are you people

that's very interesting @blackcat86 although you are likely to be shot down very soon