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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

321 replies

Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 21:49

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

OP posts:
ProudMarys · 13/04/2020 22:39

Agreed my baby couldn't of coped with this at all at 5 months. I think his dad would never agreed to this he be screaming the place down at his dads. At 4 now he still is very much a mummy's boy but he is almost 50/50 to share his company with us. No way, as long as you are the primary care giver (which you were before this) then no, baby needs mum more than dad at this age. Think of the baby first.

raspberryk · 13/04/2020 22:41

This is a horrendous situation for a young baby, 50/50 care is not recommended until children are much much older for attachment reasons and stability.

june2007 · 13/04/2020 22:44

If this is regular then baby won,t get attachment isorder as baby will learn to be attached to both carers. Yes I have studies Ainsworth and Bowlby.). I

Waveysnail · 13/04/2020 22:47

Firstly op dont be scared by people shouting attachment theory at you. What do people think happens in countries where they dont have generous maternity like ours and mums work long shifts. Have an open discussion with your ex about your feelings

YourHandInMyHand · 13/04/2020 22:48

I felt very strong emotions reading this. Sad A 5m old being with his mummy 3 solid days a week? No. This isnt good for you or your baby. And no I'm not saying that as a mum and woman I'm saying it from my knowledge of a baby's neurological development.

Can I ask how you came to such a big decision whereby you agreed to not seeing your baby 3 days a week?! When did you split? Why? Who moved away? (not judging I'm genuinely wondering how you've found yourself in such a situation that's not good for you or for your child).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/04/2020 22:50

This is to the benefit of you and your ex not your LO.

Trust me my 2.5yr old loves her daddy as much as she loves me. But that first year- I was rightly so the main care giver. You can’t be absent for so
many days.

DivGirl · 13/04/2020 22:52

A child has a right to a relationship with both parents, the parents don't have rights to share the child - if that makes sense.

Personally I think this kind of arrangement is bonkers, especially when you live so far apart. Who moved? That changes the advice long term.

TheTiaraManager · 13/04/2020 22:54

When did you both shortage and how long has this arrangement been ongoing? Are you back at work or on maternity leave? Who moved as being 99 mins apart is a huge distance so I think that's relevant.

I think the baby is far too small for this arrangement

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 13/04/2020 22:55

Wow Op you’re really incredible to be considering such a sharing relationship for your little one.
I appreciate the distance makes this tricky but 3 days for a 5 month old baby is a long time to be away from his Mum, that’s perhaps something to build up to as he gets older?
I appreciate you don’t want to rock the boat, but what will happen as time goes on? It might be worth considering a plan to work towards; tbh one night away from you every week seems plenty for now.
Babies up to around 12months should be with their Mum mainly. Flowers for you because it’s clear you’re trying to do the right thing all round.
Would your ex agree to a reduction in nights for a while?

Wishforsnow · 13/04/2020 22:55

This is just wrong for the baby and sod it I am sure I'm going to get flamed but how is it right that a mum who has grown the baby in her and has given birth have it taken away for this length of time. Natural maternal hormones must count for something. Yes, I get the dad has rights but I don't see in any way that this is in the best interests of the baby. OP it must be so hard what you are going through

OneEpisode · 13/04/2020 22:56

The one and a half hours in a car seat twice a week every week is concerning. Presumably you have to buy fuel and might have to break the journey to feed/nappy change. Risky at the moment.
Mine were terrible in the car at that age even in normal times. Then when you are both working outside the home how would nursery/school/after school work?

doodleygirl · 13/04/2020 22:58

It doesn’t have to be fair to either mum or dad, the only importance is the best interest of the child, and this arrangement does not meet that criteria at all.

Wereeaglesdare · 13/04/2020 23:06

Why the hell did you agree to this in the first place? Invite your ex over for a conversation explain that the baby is getting clingy and this is no good for your lifestyle. Give him access in your house for three days a week including a day out by themselves and a family day if possible. This is madness my DD is 15 months and her dad knows if we split she is having no overnights until she can tell me she wants to. But my DD Co sleeps and is breastfed so like it or not I'm pretty much her comforter. I get that you were trying to do the right thing but usually the right thing doesn't feel wrong.
Just explain that in the future when your DS is older he can have over nights because he will understand your still going to be there. Right now when you leave your baby thinks that your never coming back, they have no time perception he doesn't know he gets you for 4 and dad for 3.

Krisskrosskiss · 13/04/2020 23:09

Try and talk to him and state your concerns.... this really isn't a normal arrangement for a baby so young.. usually it's only day visits of hours... not whole days and nights. A baby that young needs to be with a primary carer... needs to sleep in the same bed.

Tjsmumma · 13/04/2020 23:13

I know my DD won absolutely struggle if away from me for a few hours let alone days but she's EBF and most of the time only settles for me. The arrangement isn't working but your ex clearly wants to see baby as well and thats his right completely. Id personally wait until this has calmed down though. Ideally you should be staying in with DC to protect them to ensure they wont get CV. Hard as it is you need to pick one home and DC stays there. Once this is over you need to sit and work something out.

whirlwinds · 13/04/2020 23:15

He is 5 months. Shocked you as parents are doing this to him at such a young age! Really, this needs to stop until he is older and more developed

AravisTarkheena · 13/04/2020 23:17

Attachment Theory does not solely apply to a mother! No reason why the father should not apply for sole custody on the same grounds. There's probably no other psychological theory that gets as mangled as attachment theory.

However, a very brief foray into the research on attachment theory and parental separation pulls up this: "Most infants being raised in two-parent households form attachments to both of their parents at roughly the same time (in the middle of the first year of life) and in the same way, through the development of trust or security based on consistent appropriate responding" ... "infants were not unduly stressed by separations from attachment figures when they were accompanied and supported by other attachment figures".
doi.org/10.1080/15379418.2018.1425105

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 23:26

@Verily1 I agree I just don’t know how to bring this up to my ex.

OP posts:
Namechange4nowt45 · 13/04/2020 23:37

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 23:39

@iolaus I just fell out of love with him and felt like a slave/roommate rather than a lover. the relationship started going bad when pregnant and got worse after I gave birth. Because I was the one that initiated the split and moved out I felt bad taking our son from my ex. I don’t have much money to pay for lawyers and court fees so I worry about taking him to court or what to even say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 13/04/2020 23:41

@Namechange4nowt45 I split from my ex only recently and have only just moved out. We’ve only started this arrangement about a week ago. So it’s not like this has been an ongoing thing. I have always been the one taking care of our son my ex could barely be bothered but now he’s acting like the most concerned parent in the world. You don’t know me at all so no I’m not trying to be bitter or stop his dad seeing him, I’m just heartbroken having to go 3 days a week without seeing my son and worry about his safety and welfare driving up and down the country between me and my ex.

OP posts:
Myohmy111 · 13/04/2020 23:43

It’s so easy for others to tell the OP to simply refuse the contact and let him take it to court. OP has stated that she wants a good coparenting relationship with the father. That’s not the way to go about it.
That said, the baby is way too young to live between two homes. I doubt whether any court would grant an order with these arrangements. OP should discuss with the father but not from the perspective of her missing the baby; rather, about what the baby needs at this stage. 50/50 could be considered later but only if one parent moves closer to the other. They could try mediation.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 13/04/2020 23:47

Were you living together when the baby was born? Which of you moved out? How come you ended up living so far apart? Any chance of a reconciliation? Could one of you move nearer to the other so at least the travelling is more reasonable?

Outtedagain · 13/04/2020 23:53

Shared 50/50 is an out dated idea, children need a stable base. If you want this to work, move closer to each other.

copperoliver · 13/04/2020 23:54

I would not allow this, the baby is way to young. X