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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we too old for another child ?

348 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 20:21

Got one DD 1 year old , absolute little beauty and I would love another baby
I'm 35 , DH is 55. DH very hands on with DD not your typical 55 year old fit and active and young at heart always laughing and playing with DD
Are we too old for another ? I don't want an only child although ideally would love another baby
Dh days he doent crave another child but in his words 'if you really want another of course I would '

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/04/2020 22:15

I think 54 was too old personally and certainly wouldn’t have another. He’d be 75 plus at graduation.

It’s not about the adult wants, it’s what’s best for a child.

Imapotato · 12/04/2020 22:17

My parents are early 60s. Over the last few years they’ve developed health problems they didn’t have in their mid 50s and seem older, though obviously not super old. My dad is still working full time, but now has health problems which can limit his mobility. He wouldn’t want to have to be running around after a 6 or 7 year old when he’s finished work. At 55 he may have seemed like he’d be able to, but not now.

You already have one, but I would be prepared for the fact that you’ll likely be doing the vast majority of child related activities with both children as time goes on.

FilthyforFirth · 12/04/2020 22:18

Too old for me personally. I dont think your child will thank you for it.

MsTSwift · 12/04/2020 22:21

Too old

worriedmama1980 · 12/04/2020 22:24

I was an only child to older (but not that old) parents: I think he was too old at 54 but I think what I would say to anyone wondering about having a child older is commit to having two.

I struggled with going travelling in my twenties feeling like I'd need to move home soon if my parents needed care. There's a huge difference in having a sibling. But if he's not on board, that may be different- in five years time if his age is starting to show, will he blame having two? And yes, I think post-70 and especially post-75 ageing really kicks in for pretty much everyone, no matter how fit.

FreakStar · 12/04/2020 22:25

I don't think 35 is old at all- seeing as it's you that will be having the baby! If it was the other way round and you were 55 and DH 35 I'd say too old!

Katie2017 · 12/04/2020 22:25

I think anything over around 45 is too old tbh. My dad was 50 when I was born, my mum early 40s. Had a great childhood, knew they were older but never affected me I thought I had great parents. They tended to look younger and got on well with my friends parents. BUT when I was 12 my mum got cancer and I was lucky it was caught just in time. Then my dad got cancer when I was 15 and died when I was in my early 20s. I was shocked because both my parents were so fit and healthy so I assumed they'd both live til 90+ but sadly cancer doesn't care how fit and healthy you are. I had so much worry in my teens and early 20s. My friends were getting ready to travel the world and I was at home trying to help care for my elderly terminal ill father then grieving his death for years.

Anyway so I came close to not having any parents by my early 20s-which a lot of people would say is fine because they managed to raise me, but very hard to go through most of your life without any parents. I try not to talk about it too much though as have been accused of being ungrateful! I don't have much family and my older siblings are not much good either-they didn't even bother seeing if I was ok at our dad's funeral they were off with their mates never spoke to me the whole day. So no guarantee siblings will support each other at all. I've always gone for older men but I wouldn't have kids with them, I'd have to choose kids and a younger guy or childless with an older man.

FredericcaPotter · 12/04/2020 22:27

not your typical 55 year old fit and active and young at heart

Sounds like a typical 55 year old to me.

Italiangreyhound · 12/04/2020 22:30

You are certainly not too old. My son was born when I was 45 (he is adopted so not born to me) and I think we manage pretty well.

Your dh is a fair bit older but it is not really fair that you only have one child and your dd doesn't have a sibling just because he is older. Just tell him that you want another and go for it. IMHO.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 12/04/2020 22:31

The more testing time, when you will start feeling the difference on age is as he approaches retirement.

From a personal point of view, I would prefer to be responsible for one teen and a 70+ adult only. But your kid may find it much easier to have a sibling to share responsibility to take care of their elderly dad as young adults and beyond.

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:32

Thanks for all the replies iv read them all even the nasty ones

Background for me I struggled to conceive for many many years and all my previous relationships I never wanted a child as I only wanted to conceive with a man I knew would be a good father , I met DH 3 years ago and obviously didnt want to get pregnant straight away , upon meeting DH I really questioned not just children but the massive age gap relationship , but I fell in love and that was that and iv honestly never experienced such love and kindness and respect, I know 100 per cent that the man iv had my children with is the right one
I also heavily concentrated on my career in my 20s and that has reaped it rewards
I lost my own father at 13 and dont really feel this has impacted my life
Should of met DH 10 years ago really

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:33

My child with I mean

OP posts:

ChrissieKeller61 · 12/04/2020 22:34

Thing is my sister and I don’t speak so she has my mother to take care of and I have my father. For both of us having a sibling has in no way reduced the “burden”

Bringer · 12/04/2020 22:35

Please don't. An ancient dad is no fun.

stuntbanana · 12/04/2020 22:36

More importantly can you afford another child or will it stretch you to the limit , do you have enough room and resources for another one ?

seltaeb · 12/04/2020 22:37

You: No; your DH: Yes. But it is up to you both to make a collective decision.

BillieEilish · 12/04/2020 22:37

You met DH 3 years ago?

Greenmarmalade · 12/04/2020 22:38

2 children is a different experience to one: there are no breaks. You both need to pull a lot of weight to get things done.

Plus you might have twins.

If you’re happy thst your partner is up to this, and you’re ok with the possibility of 2, go for it!

Doubletrouble99 · 12/04/2020 22:38

My DH is 69. We have two teens of 17 and 15. He goes cycling with DS and is always out watching footy etc with him. He has never had a health problem in his life. So I would have no problem having a child at your age with your DH when it comes to age.
It's all very well for randoms to make judgments on an internet site when they are not in our situation. Anyone younger and not having to make this choice for themselves can't know what your life might be like. Anything can happen to you at any age. My brother was killed in an bike accident aged 30!

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:39

My friend had her daughter at 38. 2 weeks later her husband was killed in a car accident , she is a single parent but obviously not by choice
The relevance of this being that nobody is guaranteed their life no matter what age have children

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:40

@Doubletrouble99 sorry about your brother
This has crossed my mind though that nobody I'd guaranteed any length of time on this planet. especially given the current pandemic

OP posts:

Hannah021 · 12/04/2020 22:41

@Smilebehappy123 im thankful to god that me and my other two siblings were accidents, cuz life without siblings is no fun...

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:41

@Greenmarmalade we thought about this. could you imagine twins ha ha
Dh said he would move to Australia and change his name to Bruce

OP posts:

BillieEilish · 12/04/2020 22:42

You have made up your mind OP so not sure why you posted. Also, nobody has been nasty. We have given time and experience to help you.

Good luck.

Original poster

Smilebehappy123 · 12/04/2020 22:42

@BillieEilish yeah three years ago this month
Married last year

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