Are we too old for another child ?

[Smilebehappy123]

Got one DD 1 year old , absolute little beauty and I would love another baby
I'm 35 , DH is 55. DH very hands on with DD not your typical 55 year old fit and active and young at heart always laughing and playing with DD
Are we too old for another ? I don't want an only child although ideally would love another baby
Dh days he doent crave another child but in his words 'if you really want another of course I would '

I am stating facts! You don’t want to hear them I get that. Setting up home with someone 20 years older means it is more likely they will need care and die many years before you. It’s not me being “nasty” it’s true. Most couples are around the same age for a reason.

@mrstswift

And I'm stating facts saying you may well be unable to look after each other in old age and rely on your daughters or sell your massive house. You don't want to hear it I get that. My fiance is 16 years older than me not 20. Most women are not me, I will not settle for second best just because we are close in age.

There is nothing wrong with your opinions, you are entitled to them. But your phrasing is just nasty and spiteful and sounds like you are missing something, no matter how big your house.

In all honesty, I think the decision to have your 9m old was the key one. Personally, I think he was too old then and the same still stands. Now that bridge has been crossed, there probably isn’t much more of a difference of a few more years and giving the sibling could be positive. The things I’d really consider though are:

1. For me and for many of my friends, the father became a primary parent for the older child when the second baby was small. Is he able to do that and deal with sleep deprivation? For lots of my friends, the woman really did do most with no.1 while on mat leave and life only became more equal once she was back at work for a while. If you’re still on mat leave, it is quite a different experience to co-parenting with two parents at work.

2. Would he be able to look after two children if something happened to you?

3. for me, two children has been more than double the work. Their different needs are challenging to manage and we have a lot of ‘divide and rule’ with one parent taking one child. From what you said, he doesn’t sound that interested in having a second. That could be really tough if you need him to be an active parent.

4. my baby is easy compared to my 3 year old. Pre-lockdown my days with just the baby were lovely and relaxing compared to two of them. You won’t get the downtime you get when one child naps. If he doesn’t seem that keen on no.2 when the youngest is a cute baby, would his feelings change (for better or worse) when you’ve got a toddler?

How many threads do you see on here regarding husbands having a midlife crisis once they hit 40 and leaving their wife and children for a work colleague? Or just cheating?

Unfortunately this is because they’ve become entitled enough to feel that they deserve a younger woman and not the older wife that has aged and bought up their children. They are right, they often find women younger who find them interesting, comfortable and wise.

@pinacoladaintherain

I think men are visual creatures, even the ones that appear very principled. It is whether they act on it or not, whether they're given the opportunity. Older men only really get younger women if they're either rich or a handsome silver fox type. So most men simply arent given the opportunity. The ones that are, I think end up on a MN thread..

I was repeatedly hit on in my twenties by older men as were my friends - none of us interested of course. We all married men our own age ish

You have an awfully low opinion of men wolf girl if that’s what you think. A few men leave their wives but the vast majority don’t.

Through my work a few years ago I was exposed to habits of the super rich. In almost all cases when the marriages ended the very wealthy men remarried women of their own age.

@mrstswift

Interesting you havent addressed my point regarding the downsides to same-age relationships. What happens when you both grow old? My grandparents are a few weeks apart in age. Watching my very elderly granddad care for my grandma who suffers memory loss and arthritis is really sad. He physically isnt up to it and it exhausts him, and that is after they sold their unmanageably large house to move into assisted living.

You read like Hyacinth Bucket, desperate to prove your life choices are the right ones and that you have followed the 'proper' path. But you just sound constrained and uptight.

@Wolfgirrl My DH will likely die before me. I will likely care for him. Did I consider this at 34 when I married him? Nope!

I will then, die later, but my DD will then feel it her obligation to care for me, will she not? (Although I would make provision for this)

So two parents caring for each other or one? It really is still an elderly parent situation which a DC will worry about.

Please make sure you get married before you have a child. Protect yourself. You lose your youth, your freedom, your autonomy, you carefree attitude and possibly your looks as soon as you have a DC. Your DP (for what it's worth) IMO is absolutely fine to have a baby at 45. 45 is not late fifties like the OP. However, think of you.

Again, I mean this kindly.

@MsTSwift you certainly don't sound constrained or uptight. You sound lovely.

Totally agree, the really wealthy and successful types I met at work also married more or less same age women.

@billieeilish

I appreciate what you're saying, I am not stupid and I know the road will become trickier further down. I'm not saying everyone has to have an age gap relationship because they're perfect.

I'm saying there are pros and cons to both age gap relationships and same age relationships.

Yes, creepy older men hitting on younger women with only one thing in mind is wrong. Yes, men cheating and leaving their wives for a younger woman is wrong.

But these are extreme ends of the spectrum, most couples (age gap or not) do not fall into these brackets and are just happy normal in love couples.

FYI we already have a 9mo daughter. I certainly havent lost my looks, I snapped back very quickly and feel I look better than I've ever done! Its added a few nice curves in places that I thought were too bony before lol. As for my autonomy, I have my own career and own my own house which I rent out. We are getting married in the autumn and only after that will we merge deposits and buy a family home. I've been very clear on this. Should he leave, I wouldn't need him as I have my own resources and career.

@mstswift has not just come on this thread to share her opinion, she has written everything in an unnecessarily nasty way while shoehorning in about her enormous house and perfect life. Truly happy people just do not act that way.

I am really pleased to hear all that Wolf you indeed sound like you have your head on your shoulders and far more than me when I married a 52 year old at 34. Far more.

I also snapped back etc, didn't even buy maternity clothes eg, but gradually, since hitting 40, all these worries have hit me about health and aging. They happen now, when the DC's hit 11/12 13. Not when they are babies. I suppose I lost the optimism of youth! The fact you have your own property is applaudable. You really have not made yourself vulnerable. Good for you, I think you might be the exception though.

I disagree however, MrsTSwift has not been that way, she is coming at it from a different perspective, (same as mine) that is all. It is also a wise one. She wasn't boasting about her house, she had been painting the damn thing all week!

I imagine you will have much the same advice in 10 or 15 years time. Happy as you will be, you will still (as you already have) seen the perspective pitfalls, which you have cleverly protected yourself from.

Since I turned 45, I go to my local pool every day in summer with DD. (We live in Spain) The amount of men 70 plus!!!! Who think they stand a chance with me is fucking insulting. I thought it was a joke at first, I genuinely did. But it wasn't

I moved from 20 and all the 40 year olds fancying a punt to 40 and all the 70 year olds. I despair.

20 and 40... gross
45 and 70... super insulting

@billieeilish yep, my fiance asked if I wanted to give up work and be a SAHM when I fell pregnant. I said theres no way I'm not going back to work. I told him I didnt want to ever run the risk of us splitting up and then having to start from scratch. Plus I love my work and the mental stimulation/sociable side.

We are transparent about all finances and savings and I will always keep my own separate bank account.

@MsTSwift didnt even ask me about my circumstances before launching in to a gloating rant which offered nothing other than a thinly veiled boast about her own life. I wonder if she will see it differently now she actually knows some facts! I wish her well anyway as like I said, I dont think happy people make unwarranted nasty comments on the internet.

Also @ mstswift @BillieEilish (this is a genuine question) if your main argument is that the wife would be a carer/widowed young, does that mean people should not date others of the same age if they have a life limiting condition, e.g. cystic fibrosis? Should people with these conditions be looking to date people a lot older so their partner wont be widowed young?

No, the main argument was certainly NOT that the wife would become a carer.

It is that fathering a DC in late 50's is irresponsible and will result in family issues later on, 15 years later on. Definitely.

To think twice.

Can we leave it now? I have been perfectly polite, let down my DH by being too honest to a very unpleasant poster and now I would like to leave it please. I wish you all the best and you clearly have things in place.

I have explained myself at great length and no longer want to do so. It is depressing.

Wolf, you have not met a man, over a generation older, you are not over 35, have not had a DC with him within a year, you are not trying to have another DC and you can spell. This was never about you. You are sorted but will have difficulties later, as we all can.

I worry for my DD, not for me, do you see the difference?

I shouldn't have said a generation older, I should have said over mid 40's

A man in late 50's, why does he want a second DC?

As I said, I am going again now. I have said my opinion and it stands, just as yours does.

I have to homeschool and teach French verbs!

Sorry @billieeilish I meant the main point in our subchat not the thread itself.

How on earth have I been unpleasant?!

But yes of course you can 'leave it' nobody is forcing you to post

We're coming out the other side now as youngest DC ( born when I was 42 and DH was 53) is now 18. It was fine.

You haven't been unpleasant to me at ALL Wolf, the OP had to be deleted for the things she said to me. I only came back to comment to you that I thought mid 40's was fine and to stick up for MrsT

I repeat, it was NOT you that was unpleasant

You misunderstood, I was comparing your situation and how many, many miles it was from the original post, not made by you! Incomparable!

Now, I really must go!

Oh I see! My apologies. Thank you for your insight. Enjoy French!

These threads have been done a thousand time before and I always find them unpleasant and full of sanctimonious wankers. I'm 41 and my partner is 51 and we have just had our 2nd and final child so obviously I do take the comments personally. Ideally I would have fallen in love with someone my own age, even richer. But that wasn't the case and it was not until I was 36 that I decided I wanted kids. We don't always plan our lives as we'd like, but my partner is currently a great dad and I envisage that to continue. Obviously I hope as any woman that he doesn't drop dead on us, but that can happen at any age and there are other reasons why someone can become a single parent and end up with an absent father.

I think you need to remember that your DH might outlive you and be confident that he could cope as a single parent. Sounds morbid I know but my friend had a 20 year age gap. When she was 41 she died leaving her 61 year old husband a single parent of a 3 year old. 12 years on the family has coped but it has been really tough and the father has been constantly anxious that his son could end up without parents. Sometimes life doesn't work as you expect is all I'm saying I guess.

I know biology allows men to father children until they are old and grey, but I often wonder if the more casual attitude to men fathering children in their fifties and sixties is because society values Fathers less than mothers.

Women live longer, yet a woman saying defiantly that she would adopt (Or otherwise create) a baby at 57 or 54 or even 51 would be met with much harsher criticism than men.

A lot people seem to compare having an older dad with a dad who is either useless or who walks out. Never with a caring dad who has a much longer life expectancy. These comparisons would never be made for mothers.

And society should value mothers more when it comes to kids really. Seeing as they carry the baby and are the natural nurturer in those early years

Agreed, but I just think it’s sad so little is expected of dads. A 57 year man is much less likely to be able to play a very active role through childhood, teens and early adulthood. He quite probably won’t be around to help with grandchildren etc. But that seems to be okay for a lot of people.

Dunno my 51 year old partner has been a sahd for his son since 5 months, but I spose in 6 years he will somehow be incompetent. 🙄