Are we too old for another child ?

[Smilebehappy123]

Got one DD 1 year old , absolute little beauty and I would love another baby
I'm 35 , DH is 55. DH very hands on with DD not your typical 55 year old fit and active and young at heart always laughing and playing with DD
Are we too old for another ? I don't want an only child although ideally would love another baby
Dh days he doent crave another child but in his words 'if you really want another of course I would '

But surely you wouldn't expect an obese smoker with type 2 diabetes and a probable heart condition to live as long as somebody that doesn't smile or drink and exercises?

probably not but you are making this extreme comparison to make yourself feel better and you know that. Most people who aren't top sportsmen's aren't obese/smokers/drinkers.

@emilybrontescorsett

My DP does ironmans and triathlons, doesn't smoke, eats a Mediterranean diet with very little meat, and looks so young he got ID'd a few years ago (not kidding). Got pregnant with DD first attempt she is fine, so no problems there.

Extreme example but you're not right about everyone.

@Exoffice making myself feel better? fact is fact, my feelings have nothing to do with it!

Sounds like you're the one trying to make yourself feel better although only you can know why!

wolf, if you Google the live expectancy of elite sportsmen, you will find a few studies.

Many quote an increased live expectancy of 2.8 (2 point 8, not 28 years). That so longer, so you are correct but when you take into consideration that your or OPs partner because a father 20-30 years later than many men, 2.8 years gained by doing sport doesn't make up for it - nowhere near even.

I'd definitely be aware when talking about struggling to conceive for 'many many years' that many women really do struggle to conceive for years. 12 months is basically completely average.
I've opened to people before when they've told me they struggled as I tried for 4 years in my 20s before having IVF. Then they reply 'oh yeah we struggled, it took us 8 months'. It can just be a bit of a blow.

@exoffice

According to a study from the National institute of Health:

The team collected data on five different low-risk lifestyle factors and compared health outcomes for those who adopted all five with those who didn’t adopt any. The five factors included maintaining a healthy eating pattern (getting the daily recommended amounts of vegetables, fruit, nuts, whole grains, polyunsaturated fatty acids, and omega-3 fatty acids and limiting red and processed meats, beverages with added sugar, trans fat, and sodium); not smoking; getting at least 3.5 hours of moderate to vigorous physical activity each week; drinking only moderate amounts of alcohol (one drink or less per day for women or two drinks or less per day for men); and maintaining a normal weight (body mass index between 18.5 and 24.9). The researchers also collected information about the participants’ medical history, such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, as well as when they died.

At age 50, women who didn’t adopt any of the five healthy habits were estimated to live on average until they were 79 years old and men until they were 75.5 years. In contrast, women who adopted all five healthy lifestyle habits lived 93.1 years and men lived 87.6 years.

I'm talking about general healthy lifestyles like DP's I never mentioned elite sportspeople.

12 years difference is pretty significant.

12 years difference is pretty significant

have you been looking long to find a study with a bigger difference? why don't you believe the many studies which document a smaller difference? Because it's not that easily digestible, isn't it?

You no, him yes.

@Exoffice

Nope it was the first one I came across.

Your statistics relate to elite sportspeople who knacker their musculoskeletal system with too much sport. That's not good for you either.

This study relates to general healthy lifestyles within the context of the regular public, which is more relevant to this discussion.

I lost my own father at 13 and dont really feel this has impacted my life

OP, I just don’t believe that this is true. How can your dad dying at the age of 13 NOT impact your life?!

But yes, you are fine but your DH is too old to have (more) children in my opinion, but I think he was too old a year ago so go for it, but with cast iron wills / life insurance / pension provision in place for you.

THe point I have been trying to make is no lifestyle choices, even if op’s husband has the most healthy lifestyle imaginable, can give him the life expectancy of the average 32 year old.

I also doubt that the children’s friends will look at a seventy year old man (No matter how toned and well dressed) and not see a grandpa. It won’t stop an eleven year old worrying that their seventy year old dad might die. My niece is worried about my dad because A few classmates have lost grandparents recently. These grandparents are predominately in their late sixties and seventies.

It’s harsh I know, but it’s the reality of men becoming dads in their late fifties and sixties. No amount of running or eating or young at heart attitude well makes them 35. I wish it did.

My dad exercises recently, runs and goes to music festivals. He has a great life, but he’s still too old to be a dad to a ten year old.

It’s very much a personal choice and I wish op the best of luck, but it s decision everyone should go into with their eyes open.

@itwasntme1

Fair enough, a well written post.

I appreciate what you're saying about healthy lifestyles not making up for youth and I agree.

All I mean is that there is a small overlap where a very unhealthy 35 year old may not be expected to live as long as a very healthy 50 year old.

My DP is mid 40s, he has said if we are to add to our family it need to be within the next year or two. Most of his friends of the same age have kids that are 5/6 so technically they were '30s' however some of them are nowhere near as fit/healthy as DP. So there is only 5 years between our DD and some of their kids, yet DP is considered old and they arent. If that makes sense.

@MayDayHelp There is 18 years between me and my OH I'm 35 next month he is 53 in July I couldn't imagine ever leaving him if he developed health problems in another 3 years time. Just like he wouldn't want to leave me should I suddenly develop health problems. As per my earlier post we both want a Baby. Yes I have fallen Pregnant 4 times and suffered with early losses but neither of our ages bother us.

@raspberryk it’s so interesting that the things you definitely never would have done were things that were never an issue for you - in reality you don’t know what you would have done if ivf was your only option and if you only met your DH at 35. so it’s all fine for you to stand there on your high horse about ages to have children and against ART when you don’t know what you would’ve decided if you ended up in that situation.

If I had meet my partner years earlier I would have had children earlier but I didn't, my job meant I moved all over the country and until I was in a more long term post I had little chance of meeting someone. So all the people who were lucky enough to have meet their partners early, bully for you but I feel you have no idea what mine or OP's life is like and really have little right to make a judgement when you already have a family. It's all coulda shoulda and pretty useless in this situation.

I’m sorry but my son is in his 20s. If you seriously think that a 55 year old man ( no matter how many triathlons he completes) looks as young as my son and is as fit as him, then you are a lunatic.
If the op has a child then I would seriously hope her 57ish year old dh would be spending time with his family and not pissing about spending every weekend away from his family training to try and convince himself he is as fit as a fit 23 year old.
Biology cannot be fooled. The absolute fact of the matter whether you like it or not is this.
Sperm from a younger man is better than sperm from an older man.
Biologically speaking it is better for 2 17 year olds to have a child than 2 57 year olds.
Of course we live in a society where this is now frowned upon.
Only the op can decide what is right for her.
People are telling her their experiences of having an older father.
She is not married to George clooney.

@strawberrypancakes more likely to have issues does not mean you shouldn’t have children after 35.

Go for it!

@Strawberrypancakes you might be interested in a few more facts. www.google.ie/amp/s/www.self.com/story/high-risk-pregnancy-what-women-35-over-need-to-know/amp

“ In 2010, 45.9 out of every 1,000 women aged 35 to 39 gave birth, and in 2018, that number was up to 52.6 out of every 1,000 women aged 35 to 39, according to the CDC.”

“ According to Dr. Kilpatrick, the idea that being pregnant at 35 qualifies as a “geriatric pregnancy” seems to stem from outdated statistics about how getting pregnant at 35 or older raised the risk of various pregnancy complications. The truth about how the odds of these complications change with age (which we’ll get into further down) is much more nuanced than that.”

“ Ultimately, age by itself should not be major criteria for a high-risk pregnancy, says Dr. Kilpatrick. “It’s really age plus whatever else is going on with that woman.”

We’ve got a similar age gap (and ages) to you OP. We have an 18 month old and we were planning another but I’ve delayed due to COVID but when this is over we will likely ttc. DP is the older of the two of us and is very fit and healthy.

@emilybrontescorsett sigh

What if your son became an alcoholic? Slowly put on weight until he was obese at 30? Developed a life limiting condition?

For the record my DP is mid 40s not 53. And he will be fitter than some 20 something year olds that sit around drinking red bull and eating Macdonald's. He wont be biologically younger but he will be fitter.

My point isnt that a healthy 50 year old is destined to live to 100. My point was that being healthy gives you a better chance of living longer (12 years on average). So a parent could have a child at 50 and realistically expect to live to see them turn 35.

The age bashers in this thread love statistics when they are damning everyone else but they're not interested in the less dramatic ones.

I remember my friends mother advising my friend and I when we were mid twenties in the strongest possible terms not to marry an older man as she had done. Never forgot it she was a quietly spoken gentle woman but so fierce about us not making the Choices she had. My friend and I both married men a few years younger!