to be fed up of seeing what a great time my SIL is having in lockdown?

[TwiggetyTwig]

SIL (DP's sister) is a single parent with 3 DC and lives in a sort of hippy commune in the countryside. She has a job she can do from home and is able to set her own hours (self employed). Her DC are home educated. She's a bit chaotic and has been a source of endless worry to the PIL over the years for one reason or another.

Since lockdown, she's been posting daily updates about how fanfuckingtastic it all is. Every day they've been out doing shit like paddling in the stream, or going for bike rides in the woods, or cooking dinner on a fire with her DC and the other DC who live with them, while I'm stuck in a house with a hanky sized garden trying to work set hours including being in video meetings whilst entertaining 3 bored children who usually are off to school every weekday! They just have so much freedom! Even for the difficult stuff like shopping, the adults are sharing the workload and pooling resources.

They are having pizza nights and camping out in fields and making water slides in the garden and to them it's just a holiday. Every evening she is hanging out with the other commune members and playing games or drinking wine or singing round a fire. She's not lonely like I am Daily she is posting updates about how lucky she feels to have this lifestyle and it's just starting to feel a bit...galling. I mean I don't expect them to live in miserable silence but I'm tempted to unfollow her on Facebook as it's just frustrating seeing how her slightly bizarre lifestyle choice has ended up being a real bonus in this situation! I probably sound like a jealous cow and overall I'm not, I wouldn't want to live her life (not sure I could handle it tbh) but it is making me think I've missed a trick right now!

DP and I were discussing that this situation has really shown up who was at heart, happy and content in their life and who was relying on material things or other people to prop them up. You worked and had children before lockdown so what was making your life bearable? It sounds like she gets joy from being with her children and out in nature, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s rough the rest of the time when people judge you for not having some great career, shiny car or nice house. In the end though, those great careers mean more stress, and when we’re in lockdown and there’s nothing to buy there’s only so much money you can spend.

Either your sil is struggling hence why she posting alot on sm or finally after years of people looking down at her life choices things are going her way. If you cant take it unfollow her...but sounds like you jealous and over the years been abit nasty to her.

Just unfollow if it bothers you.

We’re having a nice time in a pretty idyllic place, but I wouldn’t dream of posting about it on SM because I know some people are bored and some are lonely.

I think a lot of people will be looking again at their lifestyles after this is over. I know I will.

Stop looking at her social media for now.

During CV19 I’ve learned much much more respect for school teachers. You’ve learned that her “chaotic” approach to life might have a bit more value, that’s all.

It's hard trying to work with children around. I really can't do it. I'm just spending quality time with my DS during the day and then doing as much as I can for a few hours a night. My boss might think that's not enough but I can't work with him there- he's just too demanding. I'd be really pissed off to see your SIL's posts every day too.
I keep seeing people post stuff like, "and then the people stayed home and they wrote and made music and created beautiful things..." etc type quotes. Drives me mad. My friend messaged to say how much time she had to catch up on books and enjoy her creative hobbies and yes, i had a pang of jealousy. She then went on to say she's extremely lonely, so I felt bad. Some of us have much LESS free time than before though, so it is annoying! Need to have a bit of a cull on fb of gloaters...
Hope you can get through it ok.

Natural to feel a bit jealous I am reading that! But like other poster says what you see on Facebook doesn't reflect the fact she could be lonely while surrounded by people, scared etc. Or indeed she maybe living the high life now but has gone though terrible heartbreak in the past. So yeah I follow maybe or live vicariously through her! I for one can't get enough of hipster van life vlogs on YouTube at the moment!

Where is the commune?

Sounds like she saw what was important to her life at one point and went for it. She's benefiting from that now after years of "worry" she has no doubt had to hear about from her unsupporting family. As a single parent I can confirm not much has changed for me - social isolation for us is a big thing. Now people are starting to understand why we talk about it any time we actually get to meet up with people. You do sound jealous; just like all of the Londoners who couldn't possibly move out of central London. YOU made a choice on what to focus on just as you judged her for HER choice. If you don't like it, only you can change it. However it sounds as if you are so conventional the thought hasn't occurred to you so you'd like to say how bad she makes you feel for sympathy instead. Remember this is how you likely make her feel in "normal" times.

Just say great pictures , glad you’re all doing ok then put her on snooze .

We live what is considered an unconventional lifestyle, but it suits us. We have people in our life who are happy for us and others that find reason to criticise. For many years we have dutifully liked the pictures of foreign holidays in posh resorts, cruises, new sparkly frocks and nights out. We put up with the comments about not having proper jobs or not senior enough jobs, not sending the kids to private school. All the time quietly thinking not for me but who am I to judge. If they are happy it is their choice.

Now we have to quietly put up with the "well it is alright for you comments"

Maybe take a leaf out of your SIL's book and make your own choices for what works for you and those people you care about. Ignore what other's think - it really is not important. Take this time to understand what makes you happy and make plans to achieve that.

No one deserves to be unhappy - but it is not your SIL that is making you unhappy.

Just unfollow her and don't look. I just don't think her life has changed much if she home school children anyway and lives in the environment. You weren't jealous of her before, why now?

The thing is, she's made her choices and under normal circumstances her lifestyle is not one that you would envy, or want. You want your own house, the home comforts and the privacy, not a commune where you have to take your turn to dig the communal vegetable patch or unblock the composting toilet or whatever. You want your kids in school, not the pressure of having to home educated them yourself everyday.

We all make choices in lifestyles and careers that come with upsides and downsides. People who live off grid alternative lifestyles benefit in some ways but by foregoing things the rest of us want, and take as a right. The things her children are doing now are probably the same things they always do, if they aren't in regular school with a normal routine and no-one to answer to. If you don't usually envy that or aspire to it for your own family then there's no point in begrudging her it now.

Well honestly that does sound idyllic especially as the weather has been fantastic and schools are shit anyway.
Overall though living in a commune and home schooling is my idea of hell . Imagine in winter when you are all inside together with the commune of families.
But right now it’s perfect .

You could always move to a ‘hippy commune’ yourself if you feel so strongly about it. I’ve never quite understood jealousy as an emotion, all humans are flawed and all humans feel sad sometimes. Your SIL isn’t some kind of perfect Wonder Woman, she will have bad days too.

hippies make me want to chew my own arm off after five seconds in their company

Do you mean some hippies that you have met.

Surely you can't have met them all, but chew away!

Without wanting to sound too happy clappy, it would be nice when this is over if you didn’t look down on her choices so much and if the in laws bitch about her you remind them that her lifestyle isn’t all bad. Each to their own and all that. And hope things get a bit less stressful for you OP, it’s hard.

Switch her off until this is over. That’s what I’m doing. But I am probably irritating friends on Whatapp group with gardening.

Why can't you be pleased she's having a great time? Not everyone needs to be struggling and feeling miserable.

I hate it when people get jealous of other people's fb posts. If you don't like them then snooze her posts for a bit or block her. She won't be able to tell.

I love it when people share posts of them having a great time in any circumstances. Would you prefer it if she was posting posts for people to share in their misery of lockdown?

The only thing that is annoying is excessive posters. But then I just wonder if their life really is all that amazing if they feel the need to post about it so much. Again, snooze or block.

Can you try to have some fun when you're off too? A pizza night or a long walk if you have some countryside nearby. Maybe a movie night or get the paddling pool out. These are hard times, maybe use some of their lifestyle as inspiration to get through. You won't be jealous in a few months when your kids trot off back to school.

Unfollow her if it upsets you. You made your choice how to live your life and so did she, hers just happens to suit this current situation. I think this whole lockdown situation has highlighted some real problems with the way our society is now set up. I think people who live in an unconventional way like you're SIL and would usually have people looking down their noses at the way they live should be reaping the benefits now, I'm really happy for them. It sounds like a great way to live your life and I wish I had the guts to do that.

I am also posting really positive stuff on Facebook., You'd think I'm having the time of my life I'm miserable as sin but trying to make the best of it. . But I don't want my mum or my daughter worrying about me. ... Facebook isn't real you actually sound really jealous of her , what's to stop you walking to the park and letting your kids paddle in the steam ?

If it were my children I would be making this as holiday like as possible for sure, in that sense YABU. Mine are very little and not at school yet so replacing our going out activities with staying at home hasn't been too hard. I also don't have a garden though and I agree that is difficult.

She is probably being a little bit unreasonable to post every single activity she is doing on social media, but maybe collating this semblance of normalcy/good times is making her feel better about the situation.

Tbh mute her on whatever platform this is instead of bitching about her.

To be honest that's great for the DC there. I wish mine had all that. I'm stuck in the house, single parent with 3&7yo boys constantly wanting entertained. I decided to stop going out on walks with our dog. Mammy!! MAMMY!! MAMMYYYYY!!!! screeeeeam.... constant housework, fighting, climbing and hurting themselves and making a HUGE drama out of it, telling tales, cleaning. Their dad not paying CM even though he's had a promotion & working overtime from home! I was in a gin-induced hangover mess yesterday and spent the day screaming at both of them and it tears. I'm re-setting today. Healthy lifestyle with walks and planned activities. No more booze until my birthday (April 24th).

The hippy stuff I love. Countryside, open fires, streams etc, but it's all the kind of stuff we'll be able to do once Lockdown ends and we'll appreciate it a lot more. I'm booking to go to the Lakes ASAP.

Lockdown will end and then what? Her fanfuckingtastic world ends?

All the benefits of living in a rural commune must really come into their own at a time like this. I expect she’s enjoying gloating just a little bit after years of having people tell her she’s a mental hippy.

Your SIL sounds like a lovely free spirited person, i couldnt imagine living in big groups and sharing bathroom/kitchen... She must be a happy person to not be bothered by these things. I wish i could be like that.... I can see myself finding her lovely heart catching...

As for you, you have issues, and it strikes me that you think you arent jealous... You cant even come to terms with your negative feelings in order to better yourself... !
Leave her alone, and if u have any bit of decency, you'll refuse that anyone compares you two... Of course it made u feel better cuz u were the role model, now you're not, her children are far happier than yours. I hope your PIL starts to see her positive side and ends this comparison bullshit.

Here’s another take. I’m a chaotic hippy at heart but ironically I run a work club. I hear every kind of persons life story, some are chaotic like mine and some are very straight forward.

The most interesting, wise and fun people have had “interesting “ lives and some of the least interesting people have simply worked. The grafters come to me because they’ve lost their job and some are the least interesting, flexible and fun people you could ever meet. They hold on to their working identity and when they lose this work is all they are.

Thanks to your SILs “hippy” lifestyle she’s become adaptable and can make fun out of not very much. Anyway I’ve tried “normal” jobs and what I’ve noticed is they don’t make much money, they become your whole life and you really don’t get much in return. I’d far rather work for a charity that genuinely helps people.

Get outdoors, paint bad pictures, make some crafts and get to know your kids, this is a chance to live a little like your SIL. Ease up on the homeschooling and learn to do new things as a family. Your SIL sounds happy, in her way she’s very successful.