AIBU - to not want to still be being punished for this a year on?

[Whatsername177]

About 14 months ago, I mistakenly assumed my dd (who was 7, nearly 8) knew there was no such thing as the Easter bunny. We had never really 'done' the Easter bunny. Just egg hunts and chocolate. She seemed non plussed, but then told her cousin who was upset. SIL was furious. I apologised to SIL. I spoke to dd, who told me she had believed in the Easter bunny until I told her it wasnt real. I felt terrible and apologised. Dd was upset, DH was furious with me. I felt awful, ate lots of humble pie. I got it wrong. A few weeks later we had a lovely Easter nonetheless.

Fast forward to this year, dd (now 8, nearly 9) has been crying to dh that she is upset because she now knows the Easter bunny isnt real. She actually said 'I still believe in the Easter bunny, I just know it doesnt visit this house'. DH is once again furious with me. She keeps crying and he keeps telling her it is ok and she can believe if she wants and trying to placate her by repeating how wrong mummy was. She feels very hard done by and I'm getting grumpy face and sad eyes from her.

I feel really pissed off - I have pulled out all of the stops this year to make Easter fun in lockdown. Shes going to have a lovely day tomorrow. We have been talking about the Easter Egg hunt and how exciting it all is. Despite my feelings, I have tried to be very gentle to sort things out and make her feel better - I asked her if she had a nice Easter last year. She said yes. I asked her why - who made it lovely. She said 'you and daddy'. I then said that we would do the same this year because we wanted her to have a lovely time and the only difference is that she knows it is mummy and daddy who make it special. (Even though daddy has F all to do with it). I said it was fine for her to be sad, but she should realise that she isnt going to miss out on anything because mummy has done everything she can to make things special and if she chooses to stay sad she risks missing out on the fun.

Anyway, DH is now even more furious with me. He says we should have come up with an elaborate scheme to 'reignite' her belief and that I've ruined her childhood.

I feel really pissed off. I fucked up a year ago. I am sorry. But I do everything for my kids. I always go a little bit extra for them. I feel like it's unfair to be flogged once again for my one mistake. Dd is 8. I know I can't hold it against her. But dh could be more helpful and less judgy.

AIBU to expect to be forgiven?

Your husband is practically encouraging your DD's anger towards you and that is really horrible of him. He is also so wrong to be spoiling and infantalizing your child like this and I would worry she may be bullied at school if you don't both pull yourselves together and teach her a little resilience, instead of grovelling and running around trying to appease her. Bloody ridiculous!

Sounds like your daughter is milking it and your dh is enjoying making you suffer.

^ this

Tell them both it is done, you've apologised, get over it or you'll tell them the truth about Santa 🤦🏻‍♀️

She's far too old to believe in this nonsense, and needed to be told. Your husband is being ridiculous and needs to grow up, the Easter Bunny is a relatively new thing anyway, our own childhoods weren't ruined by knowing that Aunty Jane bought the aero egg, and Aunty Sally bought the creme egg one and Uncle Dave the mini egg one.

Surely by 7 or 8 most children have worked out that Santa and the Tooth Fairy etc. aren't real.

No to easter bunny and tooth fairy. Yes to santa.

In future just shut any conversation down straight away. And I would do as pp have said and ask him to tell you what exactly he’s contributed to any of it (fuck all).

Have you considered therapy?
Help build your confidence, stop with the over compensating. Give you and your daughter tools to stop the cycle?
All sounds very dysfunctional, therapy is a great way to get help.
Also keeping a diary, thinking about your decisions and reactions in a rational way.
Not everything needs to be fixed , unhappiness and disappointment are all valid emotions.

Your husband is being a tool and your DD needs to get a grip.

I wouldn’t entertain a second of this nonsense from either of them!

I think a couple of people in your household need to grow up and get a grip! Clue: its not you.

Age 9 is certainly too old to be this upset about the Easter bunny not being real! I think she’s attention seeking, playing you off against one another and your DH is pandering to it.

I had something do this to me.
Play him back, tell him that as he is so into fantasy childhood themes, this year he can do Christmas.
So any time Santa is mentioned you will tell her to talk to daddy.
Oh and since he is Santa this year he can buy the gifts

What @JRUIN said.

Also surely you have done her a massive favour?! What 8/9 year old believes in a massive rabbit delivering eggs?! She would've been the laughing stock at school. I suspect she knew full well and is just enjoying the extra attention.

Your husband is an arsehole! Are we the only family who just buy some eggs and throw them at the kids? No hunts or fucking Easter egg suprise boxes or outfits? Fucking Easter bunny. Load of Americanised wank!

Explain to dd that this year there will be NO eggs as clearly it is too sad and she won't want the reminder of her trauma

She may even decide she is over it.

@Whatsername177

She is the type of child that if she falls over and you rush to her side panicking, she will cry hysterically. If you said 'whoops, you ok?' In a bright and breezy tone, she will jump back up again.

That’s 100% normal.
Children look to the adults in their lives for guidance on how to react to things. If there is anyone in your house who is training your DD to be excessively anxious it is your DH not you 💐

Be kind to yourself,OP you're a great Mom

OP, you are married to right lazy hysterical arsehole.

If I were you I would take a good hard look at yourself, and the dynamics that are in the family.

Mummy killing herself working fulltime and guilty.
Mummy trying to create perfect memories,
perfect holidays.

Daddy doing fxxk all.
Daddy making life harder with his hysterics.

Daddy not helping his children emotionally by deliberately winding them up.

I would think you should take all of this as great learning springboard.

Seek out some therapy.
Take a hard look at your marriage to this idiot...is he adding to your life? Or dragging you down?

I would mull over things.
Massively pull back from this thankless position you have created for yourself.

Start handing over tasks to him with a 🤚up to him...he has to sort it out.

I would not forget the stupidity of his "ruining her childhood" remark...nasty piece of work.

You are hugely under appreciated....focus on addressing that.

Pull back from humouring and jumping up and down to keep them all happy.

Mind yourself OP

I’m glad I’m not the only one who has never done this rubbish. Your a great Mum OP. Your husband needs to do one. And take the eggs off your daughter. Until she can show some gratitude to the person that actually brought them, she gets nothing.

Your DH is being a dick and your daughters actually being quite naughty sulking and giving you attitude over this. I think your DH is probably winding her up and validating her sulky behaviour.

Your OH needs to get a grip, this is ridiculous!

I am not even sure when the Easter Bunny became "a thing". It certainly wasn't when mine were small [ youngest now 19 ]. They were given Easter eggs in the morning, and that was it, no bunny involved. Tell your husband to grow up!

You've handled this brilliantly, OP, well done.

Your DH is a twat and he shouldn't be taking all those frustrations out on you, that's unfair. You married him because you wanted a partnership, not be his emotional punching bag. I recognize a lot of my ex-DH in your posts and it's honestly no way to live. You need to stand your ground every time,.as hard as it is, otherwise he will keep treating you like shit, taking it out on you. He might back down or you might split as his behaviour ramps up.

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld All this Easter bunny/Easter egg hunt shite does my head in. Just more pressure people put on themselves so they can look good on Instagram.

Sending you some 🍷 and 🍫 OP. I really recognised myself in what you said about going over the top, it being expected and then feeling resentful. And the guilt. Oh god, the guilt!
Your husband needs a reality check. You are doing a fab job 💐

Maybe your dh is on the Twatism spectrum.. Lots of undiagnosed dh's imo...
Glad the day went well.

He is doing your daughter no favours in the long run, as it sounds like she's lacking in resilience a bit.
YANBU

Thank you for all of these message. I really feel so much better reading these posts. I'm trying to change the dynamic between dh and me. I've had enough of his childish behaviour. I refuse to indulge his shit any longer. I dont know what the future holds tbh, but I feel stronger whatever happens.