AIBU - to not want to still be being punished for this a year on?

[Whatsername177]

About 14 months ago, I mistakenly assumed my dd (who was 7, nearly 8) knew there was no such thing as the Easter bunny. We had never really 'done' the Easter bunny. Just egg hunts and chocolate. She seemed non plussed, but then told her cousin who was upset. SIL was furious. I apologised to SIL. I spoke to dd, who told me she had believed in the Easter bunny until I told her it wasnt real. I felt terrible and apologised. Dd was upset, DH was furious with me. I felt awful, ate lots of humble pie. I got it wrong. A few weeks later we had a lovely Easter nonetheless.

Fast forward to this year, dd (now 8, nearly 9) has been crying to dh that she is upset because she now knows the Easter bunny isnt real. She actually said 'I still believe in the Easter bunny, I just know it doesnt visit this house'. DH is once again furious with me. She keeps crying and he keeps telling her it is ok and she can believe if she wants and trying to placate her by repeating how wrong mummy was. She feels very hard done by and I'm getting grumpy face and sad eyes from her.

I feel really pissed off - I have pulled out all of the stops this year to make Easter fun in lockdown. Shes going to have a lovely day tomorrow. We have been talking about the Easter Egg hunt and how exciting it all is. Despite my feelings, I have tried to be very gentle to sort things out and make her feel better - I asked her if she had a nice Easter last year. She said yes. I asked her why - who made it lovely. She said 'you and daddy'. I then said that we would do the same this year because we wanted her to have a lovely time and the only difference is that she knows it is mummy and daddy who make it special. (Even though daddy has F all to do with it). I said it was fine for her to be sad, but she should realise that she isnt going to miss out on anything because mummy has done everything she can to make things special and if she chooses to stay sad she risks missing out on the fun.

Anyway, DH is now even more furious with me. He says we should have come up with an elaborate scheme to 'reignite' her belief and that I've ruined her childhood.

I feel really pissed off. I fucked up a year ago. I am sorry. But I do everything for my kids. I always go a little bit extra for them. I feel like it's unfair to be flogged once again for my one mistake. Dd is 8. I know I can't hold it against her. But dh could be more helpful and less judgy.

AIBU to expect to be forgiven?

I hope it goes ok today and they realise that they have been horrible. DH is a twit and I assume it was his sister (?) who caused the hoo ha (sounds like they type who spends time ‘making Instagram memories’ with her kids).

Saw this today

When was the Easter Bunny invented. Wasnt around in my childhood or when my dcs were young!

You are living with a pair of Drama queens. Your husband is a big baby and using this to beat you up. Tell them both to suck it up.

I'm a therapist. I can tell you that never EVER have I had a client who had to go into therapy due to the traumatic effects of finding out the easter bunny didnt really exist.

In the scheme of childhood trauma, this doesnt feature at all so tell your know-it-all husband to STFU!

I'm not stressed about it. I know it is symptomatic of a larger issue.

1. My dh is a man child who doesn't bother to help with the organisation of anything, doesn't want to grow up, doesn't want our kids to grow up either, and doesn't see/care how hard I try if things don't go the way he wants them to. I told him last night that he uses me as an emotional tea towel. He pours his emotions out all over the place and expects me to mop them all up and make him feel better. He's annoyed with me anyway. Coronavirus has deeply upset and scared him. He has lost a small fortune in work - he only became self employed in January so isnt eligible for help. We will be ok, but he has lost the momentum for his business that he had created. As a result, there have been lots of angry and slightly hysterical outbursts from him. I'm a teacher, but he is annoyed at me for going in to look after key workers kids because I could bring the virus home. I consider it a privilege to be able to help in this small way - so we've argued over that. It's the same with shopping. He gets all panicky even though I'm following the guidelines. I had enough of being ranted at about his fears and told him to stop - it was stressing me out and I didn't want to hear the same rant every day. He just decides that means I don't care about his feelings. Man child. And I married him and had two kids with him. I know i'm an idiot.

1. Dd8 is just struggling. She misses her friends and family. She has very little emotional resilience and struggles to comprehend her feelings. Both of my brothers have a diagnosis of Asperger's and I highly suspect she is also on the spectrum too. She is the type of child that if she falls over and you rush to her side panicking, she will cry hysterically. If you said 'whoops, you ok?' In a bright and breezy tone, she will jump back up again.

1. I over do everything. I try and make everything amazing because I want them to be happy. I feel guilty about working full time. I feel guilty that they are stuck inside. I feel guilty about everything so I over compensate. The trouble is, dh then expects it, dds end up spoiled and I get pissed off when none of them are grateful. Deep down I know it's my own fault. I don't have very much confidence (despite outwardly seeming like I do) which is why I needed confirmation from a bunch of strangers that I wasn't wrong here. I expected to be told YABU and a bit of a flaming to be honest. I have no confidence in my parenting skills. I second guess myself all over the time. Dd8 had colic and screamed 14 hours per day for the first 7 months. I thought that was my fault too. Thanks to all who have replied.

Watsername177
Many posters haven't read your later posts stating the real reason for your dd's tears over the Easter Bunny ie she misses family and friends and is worried about her loved ones dying. This is perfectly understandable with the media full of very sad, but true stories of deaths during the pandemic.
Your dh isn't helping matters, he hasn't got your insightfulness. Men sometimes 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett put it brilliantly- your dh is "...... teaching her to be self centered, manipulative and divisive....."

The silly man is building a rod for his own back in the teenage years.

He didn't have the emotional intelligence to know that it wasn't the lack of Easter Bunny that was making his little princess dd upset.

Well done OP for knowing what your daughter's distress was really about. You sound like a great Mum.

Thanks @LadyEloise

Sorry I cross posted with the OP

Is this Easter Bunny a new thing ffs? The list gets longer and longer. Bout time it got culled, easter bunny ........

OP I think you need to trust that they are nice enough, and you are nice enough, that you will all like each other if you aren’t micromanaging every experience. You do you, and let them do themselves. I think you are trying to live everyone’s lives for them.

Happy Easter.

Easter is all about new starts, new phases, new reality. You sound really nice. Enjoy them as they are.

3. I over do everything. I try and make everything amazing because I want them to be happy. I feel guilty about working full time. I feel guilty that they are stuck inside. I feel guilty about everything so I over compensate. The trouble is, dh then expects it, dds end up spoiled and I get pissed off when none of them are grateful. Deep down I know it's my own fault. I don't have very much confidence (despite outwardly seeming like I do) which is why I needed confirmation from a bunch of strangers that I wasn't wrong here. I expected to be told YABU and a bit of a flaming to be honest. I have no confidence in my parenting skills. I second guess myself all over the time. Dd8 had colic and screamed 14 hours per day for the first 7 months. I thought that was my fault too. Thanks to all who have replied.

Op I recognise a lot of this. You’ve got a good understanding of it all and that means you’re well on your way to becoming calmer and more assertive. Don’t know how old you are but I found in my 40s I changed and became less of a people pleaser and addressed why I was like this. I stood up to some difficult relatives and ultimately separated from my ex (not exactly like your h but needy and controlling in his own ways). I’m not saying LTB in a knee jerk way but I want you to know you don’t have to be stuck with this set-up forever. You married him, don’t forget you can un-marry him If you do decide you want that, and you deserve happiness.

Oh and I think we all turn to MN for confirmation that we’re not in the wrong - that’s how AIBU started! It’s totally normal to want reassurance that any normal person would feel like you do - especially when dealing with a manipulator who makes you doubt yourself.

OP,

It sounds as if your absolute twat of a husband wanted to gang up on you.

You put yourself out enormously to make things specific and he passive aggressively makes a little drama huge, deliberately.

I would go through him for a short cut.

He deliberately made things worse to have a dig at you.
Why is that?

He clearly can't be that great a dad if he does sod all for her, but likes to wind her up.

You have handled this really well.

No further discussion about some mystical bloody giant rabbit roaming the country side and I would take him a side and tell him in no uncertain terms he is a moron and you will not forget this.
What a prat.
Making things harder for you😡

Thanks @JoyOfString. Your post is very reassuring.

I shall be doing Santa, Easter bunny and fairies until DC tells me, stop being silly mummy they don't exist!

The quote (ish) Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams is very apt when it comes to children 😀

Tell your DH to stop being a dick. You've eaten enough humble pie he probably still believes in Santa

on the other hand.....www.facebook.com/lelorrainfr/videos/664091714390066/UzpfSTY0NzcyODkxOToxMDE1NzQ0NzIyMjQzODkyMA/

drat - not clicky - sorry!

Isn’t a giant rabbit creeping around the garden a bit scary?

They are both gaslighting you.......

That easter basket with the soap and seeds actually sounds quite lovely and i would like one.
We just get an egg in a box, maybe a puzzle book or small craft set.
We use it as a good excuse to spend time with family and celebrate new beginnings.
I hope you and your dd have a lovely easter op.

I hope they didn’t get eggfest today. A nice day - but no bloody bunny.

Easter bunny was definitely around 40 years ago. Dd found out it was me last year- then decided she believed again this year. Ffs. That was me in the garden again last night.

There was no bunny. Just normal easter the way we always do it. Dd8 was very thankful and lovely.

Sounds like your daughter is milking it and your dh is enjoying making you suffer..
'ruined childhood'