My blood is boiling! AIBU??

[UnderPressure1]

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

He is bang out of order making you into the bad guy. You're not his mam and it isn't his pocket money.

You should pass it right back.

Really? That's nice. How are you going to find the money?

Don't let him get away with making you be the one who says no.

Does he actually go on many trips, or just come to speak to you about them? Your OP isn’t clear...

He goes on lots of trips through work and gets some amazing opportunities which I’ve always supported him with. He has had a few UK weekends away with his mates but he always comes to me about abroad trips and puts me in the position of telling him we can’t afford it. Then tonight he’s said he’s sick of it and things need to change and that we need to have more money. I feel like that’s a dig at me for the fact I haven’t been working. I just feel rubbish about it all

If he comes to you about these trips and you always say no then he has a point, even if you’re right financially.

If a woman posted on here that she was the main breadwinner but whenever she wanted time out with her friends her DH said no there would be cries of LTB.

I do understand your thinking but I also see his point.

He told me on the phone that the £500 trip would be feesable.

I thought we were trying to get rid of debt and save for a family holiday.

🙄tell him to start acting like the man, husband & father he's supposed to be-he's not 14 & you're not his mammy FFS. He knows you can't afford it. ask him
What he proposes the family goes without to enable him to do this. Fuck wit.

Anyway, separately where the hell are they planning on going. I know you might not be in the UK, but really is anyone (with half a brain) anywhere planinning trips away?!

I have repeatedly told him not to come to me about these things. I also haven’t said no as such, I’ve just told him that whatever the cost is will need to be put on the credit card. Which is true. He shouldn’t need to come to me about this. He knows how much money we have.

Perhaps I’m missing the point but I’m not sure where and when they think they’d be going at the moment anyway?

The trips supposed to be next year!

🙄. Honestly, just tell him to grow the fuck up. He (presumably) wanted children & wants a home? Most of us would like more money to do as we please with, but we've all made career/family decisions which mean we don't have unlimited spending money

What Vettiyalruken said. He’s putting you in a parenting role over him. Refuse to parent him. Deal with him as an adult. No, you shouldn’t have to tell him you can’t afford things. So don’t.

Do you budget together - does he actually know much about your joint money? One of my friends husbands has no clue, she does all the family admin and he has no idea who their electricity supplier is, how much their council tax is etc. Is he like that?

puts me in the position of telling him we can’t afford it

How does he propose paying for it?

things need to change and that we need to have more money. I feel like that’s a dig at me for the fact I haven’t been working

Did you ask if that’s what he means?

If you do and he says yes, who does he propose will look after your children while he’s away working?

Sounds like he’s having a whinge but not coming up with any answers?

(Wife of someone whose husband spent 24 years in the Army here, btw...)

It seems like you're the adult and he's the child asking if he can have things

crossed post there.

I agree with a PP that you’re having to parent him here.

Do you ever get away?

When was the last time you went on holiday?

You've both, presumably mutually?, made choices along your way which have resulted in your having no money now for non-family holidays. The choice to have kids before saving, the choice to have the number of children you have, the choice for you to be a sahp etc etc ask him how he'd like as a family for the both of you to be able to go on trips like this.

Is he on glue? No one knows how long the current situation will last, it could be 18 months or more, and loads of travel companies, hotel chains, airlines etc could go bust between now and then, he may as well set his money on fire!

This is the only way in which I have to parent him. It’s only when it comes to money. He doesn’t check our bank accounts often. I ensure all bills are paid etc but I always make sure I tell him exactly what money we have available. He knows exactly how much debt we have an exactly what we have in our current & savings accounts (1,000 tops in savings which is realistically cancelled out by our debt). I never go away. In fact, I’ve left the kids with him only once for a 3 night stay with family up north (so only cost was my flights).

Hang on so the £500 trip is next year?

Ummm, Coronavirus? Where will he be going? Everywhere closed/locked down? He's not going by private jet is he....?

Tell him it’s fine - you’ll wait until you’ve saved £1000 and then he can have £500 for his trip and you’ll have the other £500 for a trip with your girlfriends. See what he says to that.

When was the last time you went on holiday?

We had a family wedding abroad 2 years ago. DH ended up deploying and couldn’t come. Our last family holiday (that we had to pay for) before that was 2017. Last year we were lucky enough to get 2 free caravan holidays thanks to friends and family. We did have a holiday booked for next month which will now be cancelled but was only costing £400 for all of us. This refund will now just pay off some debt.

What @arethereanyleftatall. You're (as in both of you) are in this situation presumably due to choices you've made together. So he either accepts that or comes up with an acceptable solution to change your lifestyle that both of you are satisfied with, if he isn't happy with the way things currently are.