My blood is boiling! AIBU??

[UnderPressure1]

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

Does he have no personal money? If so, couldn’t he save for the trip? If not, why not? I’d be really hacked off if I was the sole breadwinner and had no money to call my own.

@user3274826
I love the assumption I am a man. For some reason, I hear it a lot.
You just explained to me what I do every single day as a mum. Your point?
It was the decision you both made that you would stay at home to look after the children. You were happy I hope when you chose that path.

I chose a different path. I didn't see why one of us should have to fully sacrifice anything. Adjustments, comprises, flexibility etc all involved which is how it should work isn't it, when you live with someone and then go onto have a child with that person. Both become responsible for all aspects of child life. Although would be so much easier if we could opt out of the shit we don't want to do. But it doesn't work like that. Well not for me anyway,

I agree with what other people say with regards to sitting down and engaging him with finances.

You do also need to make a plan on your job, I’ve been there as a military wife (that was during the Iraq/Afghan) period and it is hard but doable.

Presuming you are in army accommodation so you do need to get some serious savings under your belt. That’s not close to the market rate and I’m concerned that you still in debt despite this etc.

Oh, so I don't agree that one person should have full control of 'household' money I'm unpleasant. Wow.
I don't agree an equal partner should be told what to do. And when did become acceptable?

@Bringonspring I’ve been studying for the last year which has cost us financially, but should hugely help in me getting a job (once companies begin to recruit again). So although we don’t have savings, once I start working, we should have at least £800 a month extra disposable income which will all go into savings. Our aim is to buy a house in 5 years time.

@canigooutyet 1 person doesn’t have full control of household money. DH has £1,000 in a help to buy isa in his name. That’s his savings. We have debt we’ve accumulated for a few reasons but we should be able to clear that within the next 6 - 12 months. DH doesn’t keep an eye on our bank balance. I do. And I always keep him fully up to date on it.

Just tell him the end is in sight £ wise once lockdown & CV are over: if as you say, your wage will really ease your current, not that huge debt. That UK series on Bailiffs said the average debt in the UK is £11k per person.)

That’s great, really track against that target. I’ve seen soo many friends come out of the army and get stuck having to pay market rent, plus if you come out mid 40s your not looking at a 25 year mortgage etc but less (so need a bigger deposit)

The great thing is you won’t have to pay the whole nursery fees now your children are older etc.

Mentally it is tough just putting money into savings accounts so do put some money aside for some fun.

It's because every one's circumstances are different, and you don't have to judge anyone from your personal view.
I just don't see the point of your argument from what we know from OP's situation.
It wasn't her choice to be a sahp. If the income is limited, someone needs to take control. That means someone needs to prioritise what is more important than other. Simple.
So you think he should have say and should spend household money on his trip with mates regardless of the financial situation atm?

Funny how your narrative was I told him Xy and Z and oh another change to the ISA.
You are either telling him everything or you let him have equal say. It simply cannot be both as your own posts suggest.

Once I start working, we should have at least £800 a month extra disposable income which will all go into savings

Why don't you put £700 a month into the joint savings and have £50 each per month to spend as you want? If your DH chooses to put his share towards the trip next year, that's his call.

Did I say either way if he could or couldn't go?

When she decided to move abroad with him was that not her choice? To then have children, again her choice.? If she was forced/coerced then there are bigger issues to deal with.

Just because she decided to give up her career to move with him doesn't equate full control over money.

Op my husbands in the military too not army. He has 3 years left until he can retire. You have basically put your life on hold following him about. I just could not imagine that so I stayed where we grew up so I'd have help from my mum. It doesn't help when they FaceTime you drunk during their days off whilst your home with the kids!!

Or better still have a conversation where you both have an equal say in personal spends, and from there you find a number you are both happy with.

@canigooutyet Why do you assume I thought you were a man? I didn't actually think that. Is it because I said sexist? You can hold sexist beliefs and still be a woman.

Since you have everything figured out just so, please explain to me how one parent can do shift work while the other partner works away regularly at a moment's notice?

See, from your comment, it's quite clear you have no understanding of different situation for different people. You are judging only from your point of view.

Laughing my arse off that the SAHP who does all the parenting for most of the year could be classed as a lazy ass. Laughably ignorant.

The misogyny is rife tonight!

@user3274826 just in the same other parents in the same situation do. Just in the same way single parents do.

Hang on are we on AIBU? Isn't the point to base information from what people post? Well isn't the point of any discussion to ask questions when something isn't making sense? Talking of which

So although we don’t have savings,
DH has £1,000 in a help to buy isa in his name. That’s his savings.

You see why I am confused as fuck? And of course, the narrative of the ISA has also changed. Both cannot be true,

Guys some of you have hijacked OPs thread. We are suppose to be supporting OP not just arguing with each other.

just in the same other parents in the same situation do. Just in the same way single parents do.

Wow, how insightful. I do know single parents and parents who have husband's who work overseas a lot who work shifts, they have a heavy amount of family support for childcare. Guess what? Not everyone has that luxury. If you don't, there is no option for childcare. The stay at home parent, be them the mother or father, is not a lazy cocklodger who has no say in how the employed partner spends family money. When you have children, all money is family income, and if you have debt then you don't have an automatic right to 'pocket money' or 'personal spends'.

And if I have no understanding of other peoples. situations, rather than the usual man bashing I asked a question for clarification about the timing of the holiday. Oh, it's next year, buts there's some money somewhere may be hanging around for some vague reason,

Someone posted suggested she tell him what to do, where I responded to any partner who told me what to do would be told to get to fuck.

"Cock" lodger in quotations because it is also through in the reverse situation.

Any other questions. Ask.

@bringonspring this is more of a debate forum than a support forum. I am showing my support for OP's situation by debating with those who think she has no right to stop her husband being selfish and immature with money because she didn't earn it directly. I have voted that she is not being unreasonable.

@UnderPressure1 you’ve had a couple of family holidays. Let him use the money for a lads holiday after clearing debts. If it’s always about the family he will start to get annoyed. I never went on many holidays as a child and it didn’t affect me. It’s clear he’s not going to stop asking. Tell him you’ll let him off this once but it’s coming at the expense of there not being a family holiday, that way he directly knows what is being traded for what and understands he’s putting the lads before the family

Guys some of you have hijacked OPs thread. We are suppose to be supporting OP not just arguing with each other

You're new to AIBU, I assume?

When she decided to move abroad with him was that not her choice? To then have children, again her choice.? If she was forced/coerced then there are bigger issues to deal with
Crikey @canigooutyet

When you're starting married life/ parenting, you don't always understand the full consequences of every decision.

You meet someone, you love them, want to be with them. If they are in the Forces, that means going where they go. It DOES take away choices.

OP
Talk to your husband. My ex was like that too, and funnily enough, he was ex Forces. In his case, he was being manipulative, and immature. He wanted to do all the fun things his single/ better off/ childless friends were doing.
He was always going away, always buying stuff, and never wanted to be a grown up. I always had to be the bad guy.