My blood is boiling! AIBU??

[UnderPressure1]

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

Meh, canigooutyet. I have no question. Your ideal is not everyone's ideal, just a thought.

You have an equal relationship where you can trust each other. That's great. But not everyone has the priviledge. Sometimes more mature one need to take control.

@user3274826 again you assume I have no knowledge whether directly or indirectly, about a life you know very little about and nowhere near as much as what is coming directly from the op.

You assume I don't know When you have children, all money is family income, and if you have debt then you don't have an automatic right to 'pocket money' or 'personal spends'.

And nor does it give one person the overall choice on where the money goes. There has to be an equal say and some compromise.

At the moment despite what she tells him, he thinks there's money because of these constant inconsistencies.

What is wrong with you, canigooutyet, is you are fixed on picking on inconsistencies of OP. How can people know everything about OP from what she has told us?
This is a place to support each other. Not the place to find fault on small things that was not said specifically, for whatever reason.

Ah. Military and family. Both ‘greedy institutions’. Unfortunately the military does a really good job of providing everything, and so leftover money gets pissed up the wall with your mates. It’s always wives that get the blame for being unreasonable (read: wanting not to spend all the money because at some point retirement will happen and being homeless is nowhere near as much fun as a weekend in Hanover getting shitfaced and cruising the RLD, or Oktoberfest). There is a reason so many ex forces are divorced and homeless. And it isn’t because the pay is shit. It’s because they get Molly coddled for years and spend it all on beer and song.

You can’t win, really. He’ll be off slagging you to his mates and they’ll offer helpful suggestions like ‘fuck her, you only live once. You’re pussy whipped mate.’
And lol at ‘get a better job.’ Heh heh. Apart from the getting shot at periodically, it pretty cushy for the serving member. Not so much for the trailing spouse that ends up in the arse end of nowhere for years on their own with the kids.

@Yallreadyforthis you assume I know nothing about life.

I have already stated I chose something entirely different. However, I didn't state either way their outcomes. Why would I? They where direct consequences of choices I once made.

I have to take responsibility for those choices as well.

What is wrong with wanting an equal partnership? Isn't one of the main ideas of a relationship trust. Why be with someone you don't trust? That alone can cause a lot of damage within a relationship.

I'm stunned tbh why I am getting baffling responses.

What is wrong with wanting to spend your life with someone can you can actually trust? What is wrong with wanting both parents to actively involved in their child's life and "hobbies" shouldn't be used as an automatic get out clause. Same with being a sahm isn't an automatic get-out card. What is wrong to want to always ensure I don't myself in a vulnerable financial situation? How can it be wrong to not to want to cook every meal, or make every shopping trip?

Why should the female automatically be fully responsible for almost everything to do with their child's life? Why do either partner need to work more than others, in some households this is a workable suggestion. Considering others are saying the forces have things in place already., from there why not look at if there's another family in a similar situation and they can work around each other?

Yet I don't understand other peoples situations, nor can I think outside a perceived assumption of my life. Odd.

Erm, I am not constantly picking on the op's posts. I have asked for clarification about inconsistencies. And of course, now responding to your question.

Of course, I am aware that the op doesn't have to fully explain things. It really helps, however, to keep the basic story the same. Causes a lot less confusion. And rather than making assumptions, I asked for clarification and trying to engage with the op. Through gaining a bit more info it helps to find possible solutions to a bizarre situation.

Maybe she doesn't want your help, so she doesn't want clarify anything to you. And equally, you don't need to respond to my comment.

Meh, anyway, I'm out. I am sorry I said you are unpleasant. It was nasty things to say.

He knows you can't afford it. He just wants you to be the bad guy so he can complain at you. You don't need to take that role. Next time he mentions it, tell him it's up to him. If he asks about finances, tell him where the bank statements are. Don't engage with his drama or disappointment or anger.
You don't need to be his 'mum' in this area.

@canigooutyet there is nothing wrong with wanting an equal relationship at all.

Its just odd that you seem to think that it isnt an equal relationship and she has the power. Because actually if you read there is an undercurrent of it not being an equal relationship but to her detriment - she goes without and he often has weekends away but has never looked after his children on his own

The only thing that you seem to have fixated upon is that she looks after the money but my impression is that he considers it to be wifework, admin that he cant be bothered with rather than control on her part

That and the fact the OP says he is aware of the financial situation

Meh, call me what you want.

Just as equally the op might not want you talking on her behalf

I think you are being unreasonable.

Your priority is to sort the family finances out- that’s not his priority.

You’re upset that his priorities are different to yours.
You’re telling him he cannot spend his money.

It doesn’t sound like you want the same things and saying he cannot do something is not the answer here, it’ll lead to bitterness from him to you and that’s not a healthy relationship to be in at all.

£500 over the course of a year is £42 a month. Life is short, sometimes it’s good to live whilst you’re still can.
You don’t want your house to become a prison.

Whilst you’

@Quartz2208
I have also thrown in random suggestion for the op as they occur to me - such as -
Like seeing if she can manage to arrange something in a similar situation to herself.
Look more into the military child care thing.
Erm sit down and come to an arrangement they are both comfortable with to allow them personal spends.

If I think of some more I will post them. And maybe answer more questions aimed directly at me.

When exactly is he planning this trip?

@biscuitsanddiddums I'd be interested to know what does the military provide?

Nor did I say it implied power. I don't see income as power. But I also don't think one person should have control over another person. And now power has been mentioned. I will add further to that, not that I am in any way implying this is happening in the op's situation, financial abuse. It is always like I said not implying its op situation, it's just one of those things I do consider. because it can be a very fine line at the end of the day. Hence it would have been nice to have properly engage with the op.

Oh shit not to establish financial abuse. Just to get a bit of clarification to help her. Or hopefully, other posters could have suggested other things,.

I think you each having your own spending account is a great way around this. Figure out what you can reasonably allocate to this then direct debit that amount each week/month and then once the money is gone, it's gone.

For us it's not a whole lot, we are a single income family and not on high income. We each get $30 a week to do as we like. We agreed on the amount after looking at finances.

@canigooutyet you are swimming pretty hard against the current here, most people disagree with most of what you are saying but the point that makes the least sense to me is your insistence that any spare money be paid directly into their debt. Once the money is paid in it is locked in and no longer accessible, what is your plan for when the car breaks down or the fridge stops working etc? Any person who can afford to save a little would be reckless not to do so.

Louise only someone who didn’t recognize their relative privilege (you could call them ‘institutionalised’ if you prefer) would ask that question. That’s why getting turfed out into civvie street is such a shock. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, etc etc
If I had a pound for every squaddie who’d ever moaned about how tight their wives were, or a pound for every time I’d watched them swill massive amounts of beer down while laughing about not telling their wives about so they could spend it on whatever they wanted, I could go on my own wee weekend jollies.
Disclaimer - if you choose to live elsewhere and your spouse bean-steals, same but different rules apply

Do you work at 45?

@StoppinBy
It isn't my only suggestion. It might have been an agreed suggestion to put some of this into paying off the debt she keeps telling him they have whilst telling him she is saving up to pay them off.

But it also has to start with them agreeing on where the money goes into what pot for what purpose. There are a number of ways that they can pay off some savings, some into daily stuff, a bit of personal spends. And who knows extra money in the going for whatever personal purpose as this is based on that.

Even with someone who needs some support, it's still not impossible to include them other than telling them this is it and it's done. Where is that other person's choice to offer equally valid alternatives? Or are they irrelevant simply because they differ? Does he actually want that responsibility of owning a home? Not everyone wants that, yet we know that she is saving for her 5-year plan starting with this money that is somewhere.

@canigooutyet

I have absolutely no idea how you are coming to these conclusions 😂

And plus despite what others have tried suggesting I am actually thinking of this based on info posted and both sides of this,

He sees the money as saving for Family holiday and to pay off debts
He sees the money in the bank, but hang on why hasn't the debt gone down. Where's that extra money come from? And now I'm being told there's no money because we are paying off the debts, yet I see no reduction.

Anyone presented with that basic info would think eh? Hang on a minute? Uh? You what? Or at least I clearly wrongly assumed this.

I'm struggling how that makes sense when there are so many viable alternatives beyond the two choices. There always is more than two choices which seem to be the suggested alternative?

@UnderPressure1

I'm the wife of a husband who has a keeping up with the Jones mentality and it drives me nuts.His BF and his partner both work and bring home 6K a month between them and have no kids so obviously no childcare issues or kids to spend money on.

He earns 2.5K a month,we have 4 kids,no childcare and I earn £70-£100 a week working from home.

We can't have the life his friend has.We don't have the money to rent a big house or go out whenever we feel like it.Ive accepted this is our reality but the DH has his head in the clouds.

Out of interest what does he expect you to do if you have to move bases?,if you're working what happens to your job?.Would your earnings affect the amount of tax credits you claim?,would you be working to make up lost tax credits?.

Also if you're earning to where does he expect your earnings to go?,Do you want to be earning just so your DH can go on holiday with his mates?

My big question that l ask in these kind of situations, is can you do the same I.e. disappear off with the girls for a weekend and spend £500-£1,000? If no, then why should he? It’s not all about him. To me it sounds very me me me from him. Doesn’t he realise grown up life involves lots of compromises? You are way more tolerant than me, let’s put it this way l wouldn’t have followed him abroad or given up my career. Doesn’t he realise the sacrifices you have made? He comes across as quite immature

He is being ridiculous, he is not a batchelor anymore he is a grown man with children and responsibilities.
Why is he even asking you when the money isn't there? There isn't a magic money tree growing in your garden.
Ff's he sounds like a whiny child crying for sweets in the supermarket.
I was a single mum working full time for years and there was no money for holidays, clothes for me, nice things for me, treats, it all went on DS.
When you are a parent you suck it up.