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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My blood is boiling! AIBU??

170 replies

UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:13

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:40

Hang on so the £500 trip is next year? yes, but would likely be near £1,000 by the time his travel and spending money are covered.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 11/04/2020 19:41

How old are your children? If your children are at school, you need to think about earning some money of your own. It is hard to be the main breadwinner. Things may improve when he feels you are contributing financially and he may start respecting you as an equal partner and contribute more to domestic arrangements

Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:41

It would be at the beginning of next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:43

How old are your children? If your children are at school, you need to think about earning some money of your own. It is hard to be the main breadwinner. Things may improve when he feels you are contributing financially and he may start respecting you as an equal partner and contribute more to domestic arrangements

I think I contribute hugely to domestic arrangements. Particularly when I’m alone with the children for 9 months at a time, in a different country to my extended family. As I said, our youngest is 3 and I started applying for jobs just before the coronavirus happened.

OP posts:
AprilFloundering · 11/04/2020 19:44

He's being a jerk.

He wants to keep up with all his friends who are 'Joneses' essentially, which is very immature.

And he's unfairly taking it out on you when YOU are the one who has sacrificed your own earning potential to a large degree so he can pursue his in the military, and he's getting lots of adventures in the course of his own job while you're stuck in various locations looking after HIS children.

Tell him to suck it up and stop making you the bad guy in his head. You're supposed to be in this together.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 11/04/2020 19:44

Your DH sounds like an immature, whiny 14 year old boy. He needs to grow the fck up and realise that most people cant just drop 2k on a mates holiday - ESPECIALLY now when half the country has been laid off/ having to apply for universal credit.
Tell him that if he's so upset about being the one who has nothing then maybe he should consider his choice of career or why he hasn't progressed like his friends have! His friends have worked for their money, it hasn't just been handed to them on a plate. Maybe he should be questioning himself as to why he hasn't progressed in his career rather than blaming you.
He's an idiot.

TheMandalorian · 11/04/2020 19:45

If its next year you can save £2k by then surely. Pay off debt. He goes away £500, you go away with family/friend £500.
To be honest I would offer this.
But also next time he whinges just turn the question back on him.
Eg when he says ' my mates want me to go away next year can we afford it?' You reply ' I dont know, what do you think?'

Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:46

In fairness to DH, he is doing really well in his career. The reason his friends are more senior is purely because they are a number of years older.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:48

His friends have chosen to have children later in life so although they are quite a bit older than us, their kids are younger than us. They have family support for childcare and so their wives have continued their careers. Just a completely different set of circumstances to us.

OP posts:
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 11/04/2020 19:48

The reason his friends are more senior is purely because they are a number of years older

So then why is he acting like he's some kind of poor victim? in a few years he should be on a level with them wont he. They were exactly where he is now a few years ago. Why is he acting like he's being treated unfairly if its only a matter of time before he gets to their level

JudyCoolibar · 11/04/2020 19:51

Then tonight he’s said he’s sick of it and things need to change and that we need to have more money

Answer: Fine, DH, what are you going to do about that?

And, if a £500 jolly for him is feasible, I hope that means that a holiday for the whole family is also feasible.

Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:51

Unfortunately his friends have never been where he is because they’ve never been single income families and also chose to have their kids mid to late 30’s whereas we started our family aged 25.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 11/04/2020 19:53

Thing is ... Its rude of him to want to spent all the money on a holiday with his friends when you cant go on a holiday yourself or with the family. All spare money should be spent on family

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2020 19:54

How does he propose things change then?

To be honest he isnt coming across well you paint the picture of a immature selfish man who does what he wants and leaves you with all the grunt work of family (I bet he doesnt do much childcare/housework and already has trips of his own). Now he cant do something he wants you to sort it (read get a miracle job that somehow makes money without him having to do anything)

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 11/04/2020 19:54

Well I mean.... tough shit then.
I'm sorry, but considering the circumstances, he's hardly going to garner loads of sympathy because he cant blow 1 or 2k on a lads holiday right now is he? 3 million people have been pushed into poverty over the last month and people are struggling to find work.
Its a tad insensitive for him to be whining about not being able to afford an expensive mates holiday at a time like this. Also- if he wants your finances to change then what does he intend to do about it? You cant really moan about something when you are doing zero to change it.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 11/04/2020 19:54

Tell him to get a better job then

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 19:55

So essentially you said no just because you wanted to say no at the end of the day.

Could understand if the holiday was in July. But next year? Come September the schools might reopen and you can happily carry on looking for work and who knows the trip is suddenly doable.

And if that grand is supposed to pay off debts but sitting in savings, a better use would to actually pay off some debts. Can see how he guy is confused. On the one hand he's been told there's a spare grand knocking around, next yea its there but but but.

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 19:58

Why should she tell him to get a better job? I would pmsl if my nonworking partner told me to get a better job. And depending on where that relationship is heading, the words go fuck yourself would also be used. I don't want to fund some lazy ass "cock" lodger.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2020 19:59

so @canigooutyet he is simply entitled to spend half of the savings when the OP clearly says she goes without to spend that and ignoring the fact it is to pay off their debt?

Curiosity101 · 11/04/2020 20:00

How do you handle finances? Do you each have your own account as well as a shared account? In our house, all money goes into a joint account and then we pay ourselves an 'allowance' into our own accounts, we both get the same allowance regardless of who earns more.

If you had a similar arrangement then he would pay for 'his' holidays himself out of his own account so he'd know straight away if he had the money for it or not.

Sandybval · 11/04/2020 20:00

He is being unreasonable to keep asking knowing that as a family you cannot afford it. I would bet he thinks that because he is working he should be able to spend it as he chooses; not really comprehending the fact that you have sacrificed your career for him and his, and have facilitated him progressing by looking after your children. I do feel for you, DH is in the army and I have a lot of respect for those who accompony on their postings, I was too selfish and we live apart during the week.

Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 20:01

Our debt is on 0% interest. Our savings are in a help to buy isa. So we’re not better off paying off the debts just now. Also, yes, come next year we may have more money but we can’t plan for that right now. I could get a job by then but then again I might not. All I know is, he can’t commit right now as we are currently in debt. Unless he wants to add this to the debt we already have.

OP posts:
ChrissieKeller61 · 11/04/2020 20:03

You need 4 bank accounts :
One for bills
One for emergencies/savings
One for you
One for him.
Work out the bills to the penny. That goes into account one.
Put £50/100 into account 2 every month
Whatever is left is divided between two and you get half each to do what you want with

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 20:05

@Quartz2208
And she is saying she is entitled to it all as it's sitting in the bank as savings when it should be used on the debts. That should be the priority. and any cutbacks she made to get that savings was entirely down to her.

She knew the situation going in. He's away for months at a time after all so of course, she's the one overseeing all the household stuff. And this includes paying off debt not squirrelling away money.

Afterall this is family money, isn't it? So both should have an equal say in how the money is spent. Maybe he would also like it spent on the debts that need paying.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2020 20:09

I agree with Chrissiekeller sit down and look at your spending together. Work out all the family month then deduct that from the his salary (and include in this food shopping. Then divide what is left into 4 - one for family savings, one for family outings and then an equal amount each to spend on what you want (for yourselves).

Then it is up to him whether he can save up the money for the trip.

Also have you had a proper chat about how you working would work and the impact on housework and childcare.

If its a help to buy ISA you cannot use that money to fund a trip!