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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My blood is boiling! AIBU??

170 replies

UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:13

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/04/2020 20:12

@canigooutyet the OP has clarified its in a help to buy isa!

mrsBtheparker · 11/04/2020 20:16

Those telling the OP to get a job obviously don't appreciate the problems of being the wife of a serviceman living out of the UK, it can be very difficult.
Having said that, being away from the family support in the UK is compensated for by an excellent support network in the Regimental set-up or whatever.

meonekton · 11/04/2020 20:17

Tell him to save up himself from his regular spending money if he wants to go on a trip with mates? Grin
It's really not fair on you to feel like a bad guy to bring him back to the reality.
Trip abroad is bad idea anyway with global pandemic

Original poster
UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 20:20

@meonekton having lived overseas, we now live in England but my family are all hundreds of miles from where we are. DH has been on some very long deployments in the last while so it’s been tough but I’m pretty sure once I start working, our financial situation will be much improved.

OP posts:
meonekton · 11/04/2020 20:38

Yes, it definitely will be.
I had to give up my job due to dc having a chronic illness and in & out of hospital when they were younger. My family lives abroad(I'm foreigner), and I haven't been back for years. But children grow up eventually. Was hoping to go back to see my family this summer, but now I may not even see them if they died of this CV. That sucks. But need to keep positive.

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 20:40

Yes and? Yet she told him it's for the family holiday or debts. So where did the savings for an Isa suddenly come from?

Oh please don't pull out the oh if you're not a service whatever you don't understand bollocks. How do you know people don't have this experience? Not many people start every post with me or my partner have experience in....

Boudicabooandbulldogs · 11/04/2020 20:41

As a fellow army wife. Inform him that yes you will happily get a job. However when the chance for optional courses for him come up, he might not be able to go on them due to childcare issues. Ask him how that will effect his promotion prospects. The ability to promote is the ability to drop everything at a moment’s notice there is no way to do this when you have children unless you have a SAHP.
He needs to step back and look at how you have enabled his career to progress. As far as the army are concerned your views do not matter. He has to realise they do. You have children that he wanted I’m sure, tell him in a few years time your circumstances will be different.

Dashel · 11/04/2020 20:42

why Don’t you ask him if you can go abroad for £500 to meet your family and he stays at home with the kids?

Have you had any weekends away on your own or is that something that he does (obviously ignoring any work trips)

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2020 20:43

@canigooutyet why do you think he should spend every penny of it on a trip (because 500 plus fuel plus spending money is quite a lot) or does he deserve all of it because he earns it?

chickennuggets2 · 11/04/2020 20:48

As a fellow military wife I understand your frustration! It's so hard when they are constantly away for work as well as social events etc. I feel like they don't understand how we feel fully as they never have to be the one left behind. I think yanbu to be annoyed, I would be also

Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2020 20:55

Well he chose to have children before saving money like his peers so what does he expect?

user3274826 · 11/04/2020 21:00

Why should she tell him to get a better job? I would pmsl if my nonworking partner told me to get a better job. And depending on where that relationship is heading, the words go fuck yourself would also be used. I don't want to fund some lazy ass "cock" lodger

This is extremely ignorant. A SAHP is not anywhere near the same as a lazy ass cocklodger and your opinion is the epitome of daily mail sexism. As a mother I have had to sacrifice my career because when I was pregnant and breastfeeding OUR infant, my partners earning potential overtook what I could earn. I could not use a nursery because my partner works away a lot and my previous career involved a lot of night shifts. I could only otherwise have got a job earning minimum wage, and finding any that have hours that meant a worthwhile income after nursery fees involved weekend hours I couldn't commit to and had no progression. Retraining to a different career was unaffordable as a second time student. If one partners career means the other partner looking after BOTH their children while their career is on hold, they better be doing their best to get promotions and progress. The one making a sacrifice to care for the children shouldn't be made to feel like a piece of dirt about it too. It's not always a choice.

ChikiTIKI · 11/04/2020 21:03

So he wants you to get a job, so he can spend the money going on holidays with his friends... 🤔

katseyes7 · 11/04/2020 21:05

My ex husband was like this with money. Hadn't a clue, didn't want to know, l did the lot. He'd once applied for a credit card, they rang to speak to him. Asked the usual questions about mortgage, outgoings, etc. He couldn't tell them. Had to put me on so l could tell them.
Then l was a 'control freak'. lf it'd been left to him we'd have ended up on the street, he was so hopeless.
l once asked him to go and pay the gas one Saturday morning when l was at work til four, and the showroom closed at 12. Came home from work at 4.30, asked if he'd paid it. He shouted "l'm going now!" at me. Not much use when the place is shut.
After we split up he came to my house one evening and said his electricity had gone off because he hadn't topped it up. He had money, and he'd driven past two shops where he could have topped it up, to come and moan to me about it.
l really don't know what the answer is. l got sick to death of having to 'parent' him about it.
l think the PP idea of "well when we've saved up £1000, you can have half and l can do something with the other £500" isn't a bad idea though.

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 11/04/2020 21:10

And if that grand is supposed to pay off debts but sitting in savings, a better use would to actually pay off some debts. Can see how he guy is confused.

People tend to keep some money handy in case of an emergency or car or appliance breakdowns. Putting every single penny towards a debt when it won't make much difference (particularly if it's 0% or close) is silly. The cooker breaks down and you have to take out a loan to buy a new one - new debt.

user3274826 · 11/04/2020 21:10

But the OP doesn't want £500 to spend on herself, she wants to save it for a deposit so they can buy a family home! He should be scrimping and saving too to pay off their joint debt and to keep paying in to the ISA. Who goes on holidays abroad or has 'spending money' when they are saving for a house? You have to make sacrifices for at least a couple of years to save for a deposit and the fees involved with buying a house.

ChrissieKeller61 · 11/04/2020 21:12

They clearly aren't on the same page then are they ?
I don't meant this in an unkind way but was the first baby at 25 planned ? He doesn't sound like he's got it all out of his system yet

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 11/04/2020 21:13

Why should she tell him to get a better job? I would pmsl if my nonworking partner told me to get a better job. And depending on where that relationship is heading, the words go fuck yourself would also be used. I don't want to fund some lazy ass "cock" lodger

Because you didn't read the thread properly I will help you.

She's a military wife. She's living in a foreign country with no support because that's where her DH was deployed. She sometimes has to take care of the DC's alone because of his job.

So what job is she supposed to do that will fit around his work and their DC's, where her boss will be totally understanding when she says she can't work for 6 weeks or so while her DH is away?

QuestionMarkNow · 11/04/2020 21:14

Turn the table and ask HIM how he thinks the problem can be solved.
Ask him how he thinks you can pay your debts off.
Ask him how you, as a family, can have a bigger income.
And when he says, maybe if you were working.... ask him how he thinks this will work out when he is away 9 months at a time.

I can see why he is feeling frustrated. But he just cannot act like a teenager and basically come to see you and ask for permission to spend money he doesn’t have.
He also has to really acknowledge the sacrifices you have done. For him. And for your family.

So yes on paper, you can work. Maybe because I suspect it depends a lot if which country you are currently living. And it depends on your job because basically you would be living like a single mum, organisation wise (no point planning he is going to be able to help with the hw etc....)

QuestionMarkNow · 11/04/2020 21:17

Sorry missed the fact you are back in the Uk now...

To my previous list, I would add he needs to start being involved in the family finances, including budgeting childcare whilst you are working, food shopping etc...
I think he has no clue.

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 11/04/2020 21:17

Don't let him just whinge at you like you're his mean Mummy who won't give him any pocket money. When he says he wants more money coming into the household ask how he's going to achieve that. You don't have to be confrontational, just genuinely interested.

Sandybval · 11/04/2020 21:19

So what job is she supposed to do that will fit around his work and their DC's, where her boss will be totally understanding when she says she can't work for 6 weeks or so while her DH is away?

Can we just dispel this myth, there are plenty of jobs which are compatible with military life. It's hard when they are deployed, but you use childcare just like anyone else would, admittedly it makes shift work near on impossible because you can't rely on them to be home for night shifts etc, but other jobs are fine. It is a choice the same as it is for any other couple, OP in this case has moved away from friends, family, home, her career and he seems to be taking the mick; but in general you can work if as a family you choose to and it works for you. Not saying people should, either choice is the right one, and in this case he needs to recognise that his career progressing has been enabled by OP.

MrsNoah2020 · 11/04/2020 21:20

No, YANBU. But it doesn't sound much fun in your house. Having young kids is hard enough, neither of you should martyr yourself if you don't have to. You are young and, presumably, living in married quarters, so no desperate need to buy a family home? Of course, it's good to pay off debt but, on the other hand, debt is incredibly cheap at the moment, your DH is doing well and, fingers crossed, you are about to start earning. Life is short: you should both be allowing yourselves some fun, within reason.

It sounds as if you need to sit down together and agree a budget over the next 5 years that includes some fun spending for each of you, as well as a budget for family fun.

canigooutyet · 11/04/2020 21:21

How is it ok for him to have Zero say in where the money goes. Instead, he is told there is money for a family holiday. Told there's some money that could be used for the debts technically. Told some money saved towards an ISA. Even I'm wondering if this is all the same grand tbh.

It has nothing to do with who earns what, it's about both partners have an equal say. Maybe given the choice he would prefer at least half to reduce the savings now, not in some distant future especially when she is also telling him there is no money to spare for anything at all. Yet there clearly is. How much is needed to save for it to go in an ISA for her?

How is any of that fair?

meonekton · 11/04/2020 21:26

Wow, canigooutyet, you are an unpleasant person. Someone has to manage finances for the future. If both of them had no brain to think about it, your future/children's future will be doomed.