Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My blood is boiling! AIBU??

170 replies

UnderPressure1 · 11/04/2020 19:13

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 12/04/2020 01:22

I see his point and I see no reason why either of you shouldn't be able to go away next year.

I would hate to be the only earner and constantly be told no. That's not to say I don't understand the 'why's' of it, just that I know I'd be a little pissed off as well.

You are both in the position you are in through the choices you have made. Like most of us. You both need to figure this out before the resentment passes a point you can't come back from.

madcatladyforever · 12/04/2020 01:33

Well presumably he agreed to this situation and the children and he knows the money isn't there!!
personally as a good father (Im not I'm a woman) he ought to stop thinking about spending loads of money on weekends away with his mates and try and earn enough money to take his wife and children on a lovely family holiday.
My grandfather and both uncles would never have dreamed of spending this kind of money on jollies with mates, they used to spend their spare cash on making their wife and children happy even if it was just camping.
Bloody generation of man children these days, how did this happen?

EL8888 · 12/04/2020 01:33

@CJsGoldfish yep good point, choices were made to get to this point. You both need to own your choices

mathanxiety · 12/04/2020 02:14

user3274826 Sat 11-Apr-20 21:00:07

Excellent post.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2020 02:20

@canigooutyet, your posts assume that both parties in the OP's relationship are rational and reasonable people who acknowledge reality. Here you and the OP have something in common.

This assumption is the source of the OP's frustration with her husband's repeated requests which are based on an inability to wrap his head around reality, with his latest outburst to her he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

It's patently obvious that the OP's husband isn't a rational, reasonable person.

If he were, then he wouldn't treat her as Bad Mummy. He would acknowledge that he and his friends live in different financial realities, and he would not take out his frustration about cold, hard reality on his wife. He might branch out with a different set of friends, people his own age, people in the same boat as himself, people who prioritise family and take family holidays in borrowed caravans.

THEDEACON · 12/04/2020 02:54

He really needs to grow up Regardless of your money situation it should be family first not mates hols You are basically a single parent for a large part of the year when he is home he needs to man up and be a husband and father first and foremost If anyone should be going away it should be you ! Spending hundreds of pounds on his lads holiday is not on PERIOD He is a Dad not a lad !!

BrooHaHa · 12/04/2020 03:34

It does sound a little, 'Mum, can I go on this ludicrously expensive ski-trip with school even though we're struggling financially right now?' to me. Ultimately, you've got to be able to justify such extravagant expenditure on one person. Would he be happy if you wanted to spend £500 on something purely for you? Maybe show him what that £500 could buy the kids.

Cissyandflora · 12/04/2020 05:03

Could you not let him put a few pounds away every week so he can go next year? He is an adult. He must work hard to support his family. Why can he not have £500 next year? I realise you would rather it be spent on the family but I see his point. It would be awful to always be told you can’t do things by a partner. He could really grow to resent you. I’d have a rethink about things so that you can preserve the relationship and find a way that both of you can keep your dignity and feel understood. You both have resentment and it’s understandable on both sides. You are both working hard.

Umnoway · 12/04/2020 07:32

He already works away most of the time leaving you to do all of the parenting and housekeeping, then expects to piss off abroad with his mates on a jolly in his spare time too? I’d be fuming too.

Quartz2208 · 12/04/2020 09:32

I think the main objection is that as the main earner the OP shouldn’t have the power to say no

The OP shouldn’t have to say no. He isn’t a teenager he is a grown man who should be able to have a grasp of their financial situation enough to know that a 3 day break costing pretty much all of their savings when they have credit card debit and are saving to buy (one assumes at the moment they are in military housing which cannot he a long term move)

They should be in this together

Schuyler · 12/04/2020 10:52

YANBU at all. It doesn’t matter how hard he works, he has a family and when money is tight, you prioritise the family. What sort of man sees his wife and children go without a family holiday so he can have a jolly on his own?

MrsNoah2020 · 12/04/2020 11:08

What sort of man sees his wife and children go without a family holiday so he can have a jolly on his own?

Are they actually going without, though?

Parenting is a long game, and you need to pace yourself. There will always be things you could buy for the kids, and it only gets worse as they get older. Are the OP and her DH never going to allow themselves any fun or enjoyment, because they could spend the money on the kids instead? As someone who grew up with parents who hated each other and a mother who was deeply unhappy throughout my childhood, I believe kids are much better off with happier parents, even if that means fewer material possessions - as long as there is money for the basics, of course.

I think the OP and her DH are heading for divorce unless they find a workable compromise on this. He needs to stop making her the bad guy and step up, but she needs to accept that it is reasonable for him to spend some money on himself - as long as she gets the same. We are talking about a tenner a week between now and when he goes away. Is that really out of the question for a family who sound as if they are doing pretty well?

LovePoppy · 12/04/2020 15:59

He is an adult. He must work hard to support his family. Why can he not have £500 next year? I realise you would rather it be spent on the family but I see his point. It would be awful to always be told you can’t do things by a partner. He could really grow to resent you.

You know what I’d resent? The implication that staying home with my children to support my husbands career wasn’t hard work.

I’d really resent my husband treating me like his parent.

I’d resent being expected to facilitate everything for a man, who obviously wasn’t interested in my needs.

TheCherries · 12/04/2020 17:48

I would just go back to him and say once this virus situation is out of the way that you hope to get a job and with the money you earn that will go into a pot for both him and you to go away with your respective friends on different trips away. That you think it’s a great idea but just need to wait for you to get a job and then you can both plan.

starlight13 · 12/04/2020 17:54

Op I feel for you as there is a guy I know through friends who is a soldier in the armed forces. His wife does all the work at home and brings up the children and yes, he acts superior and as if he is in charge. I think it's because as a Lance corporal the pay is low compared to similar civvie job.
Actually what I don't understand is that although the pay is low, council tax, bills, medical, rent, it's all paid for you isn't it? Also, do you need to buy a house, don't the army provide that for you and how often will you need to move barracks or can you choose to remain where you are and save up?

Justontherightsideofnormal · 12/04/2020 17:58

Does your husband actually ask permission?
I’m sort of thinking about how me and my husband work.
These are the most recent friend holiday plans
“ it’s Mel’s 40th birthday in March (she is my closest friend from school), I’m going to CP for a long weekend with a selection of her close friends(all from different parts of her life)” then DH and I will chat etc
Another time He said “have u seen the cycling holiday that our club (we are both part of a sports club) is organising? Im really interested, problem is it’s over DS 19th birthday, what do you think?”
Now in theory I’m not asking him permission and although he sounds like he is asking permission he isn’t, because that’s how it works, we are adults.
Needless to say neither of us are doing these trips now due to the current situation.
However our children are 16 and 18 so not of an age that need constant looking after

DanceItOut · 12/04/2020 18:01

He’s not the only one going without. Neither are you. It’s really common not to go on holidays abroad. DH has never had a passport or been abroad. We’ve only had 2 family holidays in 11 years one about 4 hours drive away one about 2 hours drive away. We can’t afford it and it sucks and we huff about it sometimes but unfortunately we just can’t magic up money out of nowhere.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 12/04/2020 18:15

All I'm envisaging Is a school boy whingeing that he can't go on a school trip, like all of his friends can. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!

Jeeperscreepers69 · 12/04/2020 18:53

Do you not worry airing your dirty linen on here incase someone reconises you? Maybe treat your hubby as a equal and not a child.

Alsohuman · 12/04/2020 18:57

although the pay is low, council tax, bills, medical, rent, it's all paid for you isn't it?

No, it isn’t. You pay rent on a quarter, which includes an element for council tax, you rely on the NHS just like everyone else. The only benefit - for the serving person only - is free dental care.

Flamingnora123 · 12/04/2020 19:34

What would he have said when his career was progressing and he needed someone to look after his kids, if you'd said you wanted to keep earning and wouldn't travel with him? He can't have it both ways.

LondonMrsA · 12/04/2020 19:38

He’s a selfish child. What an Asshole.

Luddite26 · 12/04/2020 19:41

I brought up 3 kids and money is always short. Kids come first . He's behaving like a child . Such a turn off when men put you in the position of being the adult/parent. Don't take on the role.
Don't feel guilty for being the supportive forces wife and mother - he is changing the goal posts that you both set.
He won't have time to go on the trips if he has to take his turn with childcare while you work.
He's being unreasonable.

Dad2one · 12/04/2020 19:42

You said you can't wait to go back to work, because you can put all your wages into savings, meaning all his wages will still be for you to decide if and when he can do anything, which, as you already stated, will be no every time, i had an ex who was like that, i would go to work, pay all the bills, but wasn't allowed any of my pay

Luddite26 · 12/04/2020 19:44

How can you treat husband like an equal when he behaves like a demanding child.
How about him treating his wife with respect as the mother of his children not the unpaid babysitter and char.