My blood is boiling! AIBU??

[UnderPressure1]

DH is in the Armed Forces. When we got married, I gave up my career and moved overseas. We now have children and I have been a SAHM since we had our first.

We haven’t a lot of money and as a result we have a bit of debt (a car loan and a bit on a credit card).

I started applying for jobs before coronavirus happened, but my job search is obviously now on hold.

Some of DH’s friends are much more well off than us. Also, they started their families before DH and I did so had a longer period of building up savings.

I am completely content with life and although we have some debt, I’m confident that once I’m working, we will be able to save almost all of my pay and hopefully have a house deposit together before long.

The problem I have is, DH often comes to me telling me he’s been invited to various things, normally abroad trips with his mates. I find it upsetting him coming to me with this all the time. He knows we don’t have the spare cash right now and I always have to tell him so and then he’ll reluctantly tell his friends he can’t go.

Anyway, this evening he has come to me about a trip away with his two best friends. Plan A was far too expensive so they came up with a plan A costing £500 plus fuel to get abroad and spending money for 3 days.

I found it upsetting him coming to me with this. He knows our financial situation as well as I do and I shouldn’t be put in the position constantly of telling him we can’t afford it.

Anyway, tonight he’s got really annoyed saying he’s sick of always being the one who can’t afford to go to things and to always have to go without.

He’s away with work loads and I’ve basically dedicated the last FEW years to taking care of our kids, often alone for months and months at a time with no family support. I have gone without time and time again but I have absolutely no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing but he is obviously feeling really bitter about it.

I’ve tried to explain to him that many people can’t afford abroad trips with their mates when their kids are small. In the last few years, we have been lucky enough to have two abroad family holidays and a few UK ones too. We are by no means hard done by.

AIBU to feel upset by this or does DH have a point?

Post edited by MNHQ

My ex used to be like this, I worked and earnt more than him, but we pooled our money and had a joint account. He had a very specific hobby which wasn't cheap. We ended up in a bit of debt due to this and one year I decided that I wouldn't used credit to pay for it. So when he started making plans to do said hobby, I simply showed him our incoming and outgoings and said to him that if he could make the figures work he could use any left over for his hobby. He of course couldn't, so I then said if he wanted to do his hobby he'd have to find a way of funding this. But he couldn't be bothered, kept looking at me with sad, doe eyes expecting me to somehow fund his hobby. Tbh it was the beginning of the end for us, he was like a child who's toys had been taken off him.

We have two dc, he's living in a huge house he rents, still in the same job so I know how much he earns, and he still does his hobby, I expect he's in a lot of debt. But not my problem now.

Why don't you play him at his own game?

Say: hell! Why not?

I'm tired of being forced into the role of the bad guy for being the voice of reason anyway so you go on your holiday and the next the time you're on leave I will go on holiday with MY friends. Sod paying off our debts, clearly we only live once and besides, once I have an income of my own I was looking forward to having a more diverse social life anyway.

Then smile and walk away. Let him think on it.

It's great you're happy with your lot but I think it's time you got a life of your own now and as another person said, you're not his mum and why should you be cast as the villain in his story?

You've been too reasonable for far too long..... make a big show of looking up short breaks and asking him his opinion on locations; "how about Ibiza darling or Marrakech for late winter sun?"

He's a spoilt man baby who needs taking down a peg or 2.

It is not unreasonable for someone to want to have a few days away with their friends. He missed the last family holiday abroad through deployment. Unless people can see all of your expenses, it is incredibly difficult to either judge him or you, but everyone will judge him, because mumsnet.

He has already been away with his mates on a couple of weekends. When is it your turn? Does he believe that because he is the one with the paying job then all disposable income should be his to do with as he pleases? Because that is not ok.

Being the daughter of an ex serviceman I can sympathise with you. Your husband sounds selfish and a bit of a man child. Unfortunately, soldiers tend to be married to their regiments first and their families come second. You need to remind him of his priorities. Take care.

So if it’s next year, he can use the credit card then pay it off before the trip comes up. You already said you are looking for a job anyway. Covid-19 won’t be around next year. In fact, I’ve a feeling it will be gone in the next three month which gives you time to find a job and (jointly) pay back the £500.

He’s coming to you not just for permission but as a mark of respect rather than just telling his mates “yes” and trying to clear it with you afterwards.

You say you’ve been a sahm since having the kids while he’s been the main breadwinner, yet as well as fully supporting you and the children financially, he’s also provided you with two foreign holidays, (both me and my husband have always worked, (apart from when I took two years off to look after our adopted kids until they were both at school) and we’ve still only managed one foreign holiday in 15 years) so maybe give him a break and tell him yes to the trip with friends.

People on here are saying he’s treating you like a parent, maybe you need to stop treating him like a child by always telling him no no no.

Ah, so he knows the family holiday refund will more or less cover his planned little jaunt, and make up for the family holiday he ‘missed’ due to redeployment.

Simples.

Erm, fuck that. He can go on jollies when the whole family can, not just him.

I'd just give him a spreadsheet with incomings, outgoings and savings etc, ask him which bit he'd like to sacrifice for his lads weekend. He wants a grand to go away with (inc spends), so if he can spare £2000 from either savings, house deposit or other then he can fund his weekend away. The other 1k is for you to have a girlie weekend away too. Fairs fair and all that. If you get a job between now and then, you can split any left over cash 50/50 and he can choose to use this to fund his outings and you can use yours on whatever you want.

So if it’s next year, he can use the credit card then pay it off before the trip comes up. You already said you are looking for a job anyway. Covid-19 won’t be around next year. In fact, I’ve a feeling it will be gone in the next three month which gives you time to find a job and (jointly) pay back the £500

You can't guarantee either of those, op might not get a job, covid might hit the economy longer than 3 months. Anything could happen tbh. OPs DH might get deployed somewhere else which would impact any job she gets. It's risky to take out debt on something that hasn't happened yet.

The op has already said they owe a grand, stick another grand ontop (after spends etc), 2k is a lot to pay back when you've a limited income.

Just tell him ... I've spent years going without for you and our family. You've obviously not heard me when I've told you not to come to me with this stuff. We have got kids to feed , to clothe and I want a house eventually. I'm happy with my life and what I've done , but the truth is , if I hadn't stayed at home you wouldn't be able to jet off on your own for months at a time and you wouldn't have the job that you do. You might resent me for not having a job , but I'm the supporting act behind your job and the reason you are able to do it. I don't resent the time I've spent on my family, but you weren't here . Who else would have looked after our kids ? A 24/7 nanny ? On your wages ? Stop trying to live a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money and wake up to reality. If we haven't got it , you can't go . I'm not saying another word. I am going to get a job . I don't ever get a break and could have easily not sacrificed everything for our life , as I have choices too.

You should both read Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez. It will help him, it’s helped me, to understand what’s going on. And going wrong.

Tell him it's up to him to decide if he can afford it. Why is the onus on you to say no? He's not a child. Ask him how he would feel about you having a weekend away for the same price.

I agree with PPs who ask when is it your turn? He’s being a total man child. When do you get time without the kids? He is a married man with a family & responsibilities. Time to put those responsibilities first.

Hi we're also forces family but older than you. DH has been in over 30 years now. I've been with him 22 years. He's also a complete child when it comes to money. The army and easy credit made him that way I'm afraid.
When he comes to me with these things (less now as he's slowly switched on) I used to say, look I don't want to tell you what to do, I don't want to be that person. I want you to make your own decisions. (yes I know this is still parenting). But if you go how much will it be in total? Oh £1000 you say? And where are we going to get that from? Does this mean instead of a family holiday or as well as? And can I then have a girls week away as well? And we'd have a chat and he'd say, ah, we can't really afford it can we. And then it's we, instead of you telling him no.

Also he used to tell me all his friends had secret Tenby funds, so they would squirrel away money all year, cash, into secret bank account so that when they went to Tenby they could go on the lash and spend a fortune without the wife knowing. He's always been very proud that he doesn't have a Tenby fund.

One of the things about mine going away is that we used to see so little of him I objected to him going away on a holiday when I was home with the DC, also I worked all the time, and he was either on exercise, on tour, in pre tour training or being an instructor on other training courses, so I made more of a thing about him choosing to go away when we saw him so little. But when adventure training or skiing courses came up paid for by the army, I'd say go, it's free and it's an experience you'll get to remember. Was always a bit annoying as I was on the sharp end of family life but I'd say OK if it was free.
You need to be a team and you do need to save for that house. We never lived on camp so we're more skint than the other families as we paid a mortgage. We're now mortgage free and his friends have been buying their first homes in their 40s and 50s.
Now he can go on those things. I guess I'm saying it's not no, it's not now. He needs your help to think of the longer term view. And he doesn't want to be getting out at 40 and you looking to buy your first home then.

Is it possible he maybe feeling like this because some of the wage is used completely on yourself? I know you said you didn’t go away on holidays but what about beauty treatments, clothes shopping etc? You mentioned that it has cost money for you to train in a new career. Is that something you both agreed to and was it the equivalent to this £500 holiday? Were you both equally responsible for the debt you have?

I think we may well be in partial lockdown next year if there isn't a vaccine,
Nothing is certain, but even so I'd not rule out your getting a job and your DH going.

I'd tell him this and that you think it's premature to plan but he can start saving now

@mathanxiety hence I was trying to get clarification in the first place.
And like yourself and others tried to look at from a different narrative with the limited information provided.

As rightly pointed out by @Itswritteninthestars and others have pointed out, how much agreement has there been since they both lived in the UK and she decided to give up her career to join him. Then at some point I hope, they had a chat about how a child would impact the army spouse lifestyle. To a bit about holidays etc. And then the £500 thing next year that might be double.

Unlike what some would love to believe it's really not as simple as the 'lazy manchild'. And we've both been around a while to know once details start coming out, things aren't always that simple.

Hopefully, at some point, the op can come back and try again. This time without all the ridiculousness in between. And if you are reading still @UnderPressure1, even if just for that one, I suggest a change of name simply so you can leave this thread behind and get the advice you was asking for. And hope whatever advice was offered was of some help.

Actually what I don't understand is that although the pay is low, council tax, bills, medical, rent, it's all paid for you isn't it? Also, do you need to buy a house, don't the army provide that for you and how often will you need to move barracks or can you choose to remain where you are and save up?

CILOCT is paid on top of rent for your quarter, plus rent for the garage (and the furniture if you don't have your own). You pay your utility bills as per normal unless abroad and you will be on the x/y scheme for gas and electric. The rent comes straight out of salary.

We have always had and lived in our own house apart from when dh was posted abroad for 9 years, and I joined him for 7 of those. We had an MQ, but rented out our house in the UK, as we knew he would be retiring at the end of his time abroad, and we would need somewhere to live when that happened.

OP My line has always been that I would leave it up to dh's conscience if he wanted to splurge money on a trip somewhere. He did sometimes find his conscience, and decide not to go.

Tell him it'll be great when there's more money coming in, then you'll be able to get away for a break and he can look after the kids. Presumably he was a party to getting married and having children? He's a family man now, not some teenager off on a Beano with his college mates.
But what really bothers me-he comes to you to ask you, knowing full well your financial position, then has a silky fit when you say no. He's using you as an excuse to moan to his mates about why he can't go, and acting like you're his parent not his partner.

I'm a firm believer that once you have kids your family come first. It always amazes me how much some people are prepared to spend on themselves instead of their actual family.
You have no spare money. He can't go. Simple.
He needs to get his priorities in line.
He sounds like a completely selfish arse.