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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH

202 replies

fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:25

Hello all. Hope you and your families are all well.

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus.

We have no problem with this as we’d rather they were indoors and as safe as possible but DH paid for their items and isn’t asking them to reimburse him.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I asked him about it and he called me a pathetic cold bitch because I think it’s acceptable to ask for the money back when they’re elderly.

How is this cold? I get that they’re elderly but we can’t afford to pay for their shopping for the next 12 weeks

OP posts:
LolaDarkdestroyer · 10/04/2020 23:51

"Decided"

EngagedAgain · 10/04/2020 23:54

Nrtft, but if they usually pay for their own shopping and can afford it then no, not in the long term, but on this one occasion I would not have said anything. Perhaps they simply forgot to offer, and would have thought about it later on.

lovegoodcoffee · 11/04/2020 00:01

The name calling is unacceptable.

My mum is in her 70s and vulnerable. Each week I ASK her what she needs, knowing she will offer me the money. I am lucky to be in a position not to have to actually ASK her for it though and to be fair, with all the money she loaned me when I was in my 20s, it's kind of nice to be able to help her out.

BUT it depends on the situation and the cost involved. If it was a few bits I wouldn't worry, but if it's a whole weekly shop, then I'd expect the money back.

So sorry you got called names OP.

Holothane · 11/04/2020 00:03

We’re getting puppy training pads for a friend she can’t get out to get them we don’t want the money. But he’s a disgrace calling you that.

springrollover · 11/04/2020 00:03

I'd have called you a darn sight worse. Cannot believe in this time of worry & upheaval you are being so petty minded.

Daftodil · 11/04/2020 00:04

I wouldn't personally ask for £20 back from my parents, BUT if a partner called me a cold hard bitch? I would not be doing any favours for his family until he apologised.

I also wouldn't be giving my credit card to him to do the shopping. He's a grown up. Doesn't he have his own account he can use?

joydivisionovengloves71 · 11/04/2020 00:08

The OP won't be back I fear

MerryDeath · 11/04/2020 00:12

i would definitely not be asking any of our parents to pay us back but ok i imagine others could. it's a matter of affordability and how things work in your specific household.

Dappledsunlight · 11/04/2020 00:14

I'm doing regular food shopping for a parent and a relative and they are expecting to pay me. Can't see a problem as they'd be paying for food themselves under normal circumstances.

ZombieFan · 11/04/2020 00:23

Vulnerable parents in lock down. I think buying them a few bits and bobs every week is the least a son can do. If when all this is over you are stuck for money them ask them for some, I am sure you wont be saying no to any inheritance from them?

But I wouldn't be putting my parents in this position right now, in the middle of a pandemic, they must be stressed to high heaven.

HappydaysArehere · 11/04/2020 00:51

My daughter bought me various things when she was lucky enough to get a delivery. Also arrived with a box of fruit and veg. I had a real tussle with her as she wouldnt tell me how much it came to. Eventually I stuffed some money into her bag but when she got her delivery I asked for her bank details so I could put money in her account. I explained that I couldn’t ask her for anything else if she wouldn’t take the money.
More difficult was trying to give my grandson’s girl friend money for some potatoes and eggs. She said she wouldn’t take money off her gran so wouldn’t take it off us. Now I can understand the problem asI would have been the same with my parents when they were alive but one off gestures is one thing but we appear to be in this for the long haul. We are 79 and 80 but fit enough to shop when I really need something. I don’t like to do it as I find the whole business highly stressful. On the other hand I no longer believe my grandchildren and daughters are immune to this nasty virus and won’t ask anyone to get shopping unless they are going for themselves. Booking on line is hopeless.

TealWater · 11/04/2020 01:09

IF they expect this to happen every fortnight, then they are being unreasonable. But for all you know, this might be just a once off.

More concerning though is your complete inability to answer any questions posed to you even by those who think you are not being unreasonable. You are just ignoring valid questions that may help people agree with you, instead you are ignoring everyone even those who support you, and instead abusing people and lashing out all over the place on here. People post to help. Give them at least the decency of answering their questions.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 11/04/2020 01:14

I wouldn't charge my parents for a wee £20 shop they didn't even ask me to get

GlummyMcGlummerson · 11/04/2020 01:16

Ah I've just seen they did ask for the shopping 🤦🏼‍♀️ I still think it's tight as fuck to get money off them.

Do you have kids OP? Have they done babysitting for you ever?

biwinoone · 11/04/2020 01:32

He shouldn't have called you that but you are being extremely unreasonable. They are his parents. He is allowed to spend on them and it's much better to spend on things that they will need or use. On top of that they didn't ask you guys to buy those things for them so why should they pay? You are being selfish. We can never repay back what our parents have done for us and buying groceries is only a small drop in the pond.

ARoseInHarlem · 11/04/2020 01:45

The fact you keep repeating you have no problem picking stuff up for them when you’re going away shows you think you’re doing them a favour, something kind and thoughtful and special and extra. When really, it’s the bare minimum, which many many people are doing these days for people they don’t event know.

YinMnBlue · 11/04/2020 10:57

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus

You need to communicate in a way that gives people the right information. Your OP made it sound as if you had unilaterally taken it upon yourselves to choose some unasked for ‘bits and bobs’ and were then expecting the money. Then you seem to say it is their regular shop (obviously not, as I doubt they can survive on £20-worth every two weeks, which is when you shop).

Communication: any children/ IL children should surely be taking it as a given that they will make sure any frail / elderly family members are ok for what they need. You make it sound like a random fortunate decision that you took.

How hard is it then to say ‘of course we will make sure you are ok. Give us a list, and would you like to give us a kitty upfront and we’ll give you the receipts, or will you transfer the money afterwards?”

My parents have been unable to do their own shopping for 2 years: I have a card on their account to use for the shopping I do for them.

Your husband has no business talking to you like that: you both sound crap at communication.

mrsmummy111 · 11/04/2020 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hesgotit · 11/04/2020 11:15

So it starts off a £20 one off

It's starts off once a fortnight

It moves to every week

No mention originally of previous missed payment.

Its then OPs credit card

Anyone disagreeing is talking crap

Hmmmm YABVU

LightenUpSummer · 11/04/2020 14:00

My vagina would be in permanent lockdown to a man who called me a pathetic cold bitch Sad

That plus the lack of good communication makes me think the relationship could do with a fundamental rethink.

Gtugccbjb · 11/04/2020 15:26

My vagina would be on lock down so mean he was bothered about £2O to feed his Mum and Dad. Horses for courses.

Original poster
fourpeasinapod · 11/04/2020 17:46

They have childminded my kids in the past and picked them up for school everyday but I’ve always paid them for that and always gave back for it

OP posts:
hesgotit · 11/04/2020 17:51

They have childminded my kids in the past and picked them up for school everyday but I’ve always paid them for that and always gave back for it

At the correct rate?

It's also our children and we've paid them!

gobbynorthernbird · 11/04/2020 18:41

@fourpeasinapod are you sure about that? If you change your mind we'll all be able to see.

Idontwantthis · 12/04/2020 00:18

Aye

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