Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH

202 replies

fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:25

Hello all. Hope you and your families are all well.

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus.

We have no problem with this as we’d rather they were indoors and as safe as possible but DH paid for their items and isn’t asking them to reimburse him.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I asked him about it and he called me a pathetic cold bitch because I think it’s acceptable to ask for the money back when they’re elderly.

How is this cold? I get that they’re elderly but we can’t afford to pay for their shopping for the next 12 weeks

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 10/04/2020 21:39

Like a-lot of men, my exh would not have wanted to ask his parents for the money that had been spent.

He never liked confronting/upsetting his parents who were loaded with money but it was ok for me to rob Peter to pay Paul.

Rosebel · 10/04/2020 21:41

I do think people are being a bit harsh. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. End of really. Keep hold of your credit card and get your husband to pay, then it's his choice.
£20 is a lot to me and my parents would insist on paying me back but I'd probably have to ask my in laws. I don't see why you should pay for their shopping. The name calling is unacceptable, think.You need to talk to him about that. Ask them for the money but tbh you don't come across very well.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2020 21:41

How are they getting the rest of their shopping? Presumably they aren’t surviving on £20’s worth of shopping a fortnight? Are they asking you or did your dh just decide? Can you split their shopping and pay separately and get your dh to pay from his card?

mynamesmrdiggety · 10/04/2020 21:49

Crumbs. If money is very tight for you then you aren't being unreasonable but I don't think most people would begrudge their parents £20. They should offer to pay though(and your dh should refuse.)

Astressie · 10/04/2020 21:56

I totally agree they should pay for their shopping @fourpeasinapod. My partner and I are doing bits of shopping for our parents and have had similar discussions. Shopping for parents could become the new normal. We have to have boundaries and I would not want my mum or his to become to become reliant on us. They are losing their independence, self-worth etc through these measures as it is, why make them feel more so. My mum at least, perhaps not his, would never dream of taking shopping off us and not paying even if we can afford it. However, I believe this situation is causing a lot of anxiety especially about the health of our parents and creates a lot of upset. My DP finds it difficult to express his anxiety and is very protective of his mother and lashes out at me about her. It has caused a few rows. I have a different attitude about my mum and would not want to make her reliant on me and she'd hate it!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2020 21:58

He shouldn’t be calling you names. He shouldn’t be using your card, he can play the benefactor on his own dime.

And all this “they raised him” stuff. My parents, dad in particular, have way more disposable income than we do. Thankfully we’re still in a position to buy them things and I wouldn’t ask for money back for twenty quid’s worth of groceries but that’s because it wouldn’t cause us any hardship, I also don’t think they’d accept.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 10/04/2020 22:00

This has gone mental!!!

Not a ranger Of different views, just a pile on.

LightenUpSummer · 10/04/2020 22:00

I think having a grown up conversation needs to be taught in school.

"I'm concerned that we can't afford to spend so much on their shopping" "ok let's think about how much/if any we're able to spend"

Not too hard surely.

onanothertrain · 10/04/2020 22:02

And if it had been your parents?

user1473878824 · 10/04/2020 22:03

Going by this thread I can only assume you spoke to him just like this in real life so as far as I am concerned you’re completely unreasonable.

RJnomore1 · 10/04/2020 22:05

I come back to, is your husband paying for anything or is there more to this simmering resentment

We do all food shopping on a credit card btw and pay it every month, just to get club card points. Doesn’t mean debts.

ilovesooty · 10/04/2020 22:08

I don't know why you asked if you're just going to insult everyone who offers a viewpoint you disagree with.

SallyWD · 10/04/2020 22:12

I wouldn't accept £20 from my parents for shopping. My DH wouldn't either. I have to admit you sound a bit tight/mean UNLESS you're struggling financially. Him calling you a bitch is completely unacceptable. My DH has never called me that. THIS is what I'd have a problem with - not the money.

Lockheart · 10/04/2020 22:13

If how you're posting on here is any indication of how you spoke to your husband about this, I'm unsurprised it devolved into insults.

If you genuinely can't afford it because you're totally skint then don't give your husband your credit card (although as you're married, surely money for everyday expenses such as food is shared rather than being "your" money).

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2020 22:14

If how you're posting on here is any indication of how you spoke to your husband about this, I'm unsurprised it devolved into insults.

This ^^

I suspect it was far more of a two-way argument than the OP is letting on.

redwinefine · 10/04/2020 22:15

How horrible. Have you no compassion? I earn less than 500 a month and would think nothing of spending this on my parents shopping. AS NEEDED. Try to think of all the things they did for you growing up. The only thing that could excuse your appalling attitude was if you were NC.

amatsip · 10/04/2020 22:18

If they are self isolating like many elderly how can they get to a bank? My own mum has a bank book not a debit card, I'll fund my mums shopping till it is ok for her to go out.

TiredofSM · 10/04/2020 22:19

OP are you my sister? She charged my parents for Christmas dinner one year....
Anyho, would I charge my parents or in laws? No. Although both my parents and in-laws would offer.
Do I think YABU wanting the money? Not particularly. That should really be agreed upfront before you start buying stuff though.
Is your DH BU calling you those names? Absolutely. That’s out of order.
Can you ensure he funds the shopping as opposed to it being joint or from your account going forward?

Verily1 · 10/04/2020 22:20

There’s obviously a back story here- the op saying they would ask for the money if the tables were turned us very telling.

PrinnyPree · 10/04/2020 22:22

"we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus."

Then it was a gift, YABU. End of.

Issues12 · 10/04/2020 22:25

His name calling isn’t nice . It depends on if you can afford it . If you can’t then he is bu .

Pentium85 · 10/04/2020 22:26

OP, you don't seem to understand AIBU.

But mainly, you are cold and I totally agree with your husband.

VenusTiger · 10/04/2020 22:30

I would never ask my parents or inlaws for £20 back- it would've been a one off surely, as their main shop will cost way more

ElephantsFoot · 10/04/2020 22:30

You're tight as hell and your responses to people on here make you sound like a right cow.

Goldwispa · 10/04/2020 22:33

Have you asked them for the money?

Swipe left for the next trending thread