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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH

202 replies

fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:25

Hello all. Hope you and your families are all well.

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus.

We have no problem with this as we’d rather they were indoors and as safe as possible but DH paid for their items and isn’t asking them to reimburse him.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I asked him about it and he called me a pathetic cold bitch because I think it’s acceptable to ask for the money back when they’re elderly.

How is this cold? I get that they’re elderly but we can’t afford to pay for their shopping for the next 12 weeks

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 10/04/2020 20:39

So you had a go at him for buying his parents a few bits of shopping and begrudge him giving his closest family a small gesture in these shitty times? Frankly I can see why he was pissed off, again not that he should be calling you awful things...

"Why can't they buy their own!" does sound pretty harsh and uncaring I'm afraid.

6demandingchildren · 10/04/2020 20:40

I have been buying my mum things that she needs plus books to keep her busy she keeps going on at me about how much she owes us, me and the husband agrees that she only owes us for the cigarettes. But my mum is a legend

BaroleCaskin · 10/04/2020 20:40

You've probably made their day OP. I wouldn't let it keep happening, but your husband obviously wanted to do a kind gesture and i think that was pretty nice of him. On the other hand he should not be calling you those names, or talking to you like that!!!

Original poster
fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:41

@Cheeserton no. I don’t mind paying for things like if it’s small and a one off. I think its unfair to expect us to pay this for 12 weeks when we have our own bills to pay.

Rest assured if it was his parents buying stuff for us they’d demand the money!!

OP posts:
EmotionalFlood · 10/04/2020 20:41

Agree with PP I feel you're missing out half the conversation... £20 for a parent or family member is nothing in the grand scheme of things... they raised him... I never ask for money back for things I buy my family members? Ranging from £1-£40... the name calling was wrong but I doubt it happened as you say Hmm (to clarify I'm on a low/average wage myself)

Lefkosia · 10/04/2020 20:41

Probably be different if it was your family you were buying for wouldn't it. Maybe he knows something about his parents finances that you don't?

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2020 20:42

I would happily pay for my parents shopping for 12 weeks but they'd definitely reimburse me

Have his parents offered to transfer him money for it?

JoeySpecial · 10/04/2020 20:42

Would you ask for the money back, if it was your parents?

stressbucket1 · 10/04/2020 20:43

Did they ask you to get their shopping or did you decide to pick up a few bits for them? If they asked then you could expect them to give you the money. If you decided then it's a gift. But either way if you can afford it I would have let it go.
The name calling is terrible and he needs to apologise for that.

eatmehappy · 10/04/2020 20:43

Did anyone actually say they were expecting you to pay for their shopping for 12 weeks?

ineedsun · 10/04/2020 20:43

The fact that you don't understand that this is something that lots of people would do because they love someone and just want to do something kind does sound pretty cold to be honest.

Some people are like that though and that's their choice, just have the awareness to own it, if you feel like that.

6demandingchildren · 10/04/2020 20:43

Forgot to mention husband is self employed and has had no work for the past few weeks but family help family out no matter what. Suppose we are from a different type of brush

Cheeserton · 10/04/2020 20:44

I think its unfair to expect us to pay this for 12 weeks when we have our own bills to pay.

What's this 'expecting' about? Sounded like your DH chose to show his parents a small bit of generosity. Or are they in fact demanding this? No chance you could be a little more sympathetic towards your elderly in-laws who can't even leave the house to visit a shop?

gobbynorthernbird · 10/04/2020 20:45

Thus far, its a one off 20 quid. I agree with your husband.

sunfloweryy · 10/04/2020 20:46

We budget a certain amount per week for shopping and how much we each transfer into the joint account is based on that budget, so I would be annoyed too. £20 is almost another 50% of our weekly food shop so certainly not sustainable without adjustments.

But it all depends on your financial situation and how you manage money!

noenergy · 10/04/2020 20:46

YABVVU unless there is a backstory.
They are his parents, they have brought him up to be who he is.

Would u ask your own parents for the money?

Who said it will continue for 12 week?

It's only £20 not £50/60.

Amymayapple · 10/04/2020 20:47

You are being unreasonable. They are his parents, it is his money

Ginger1982 · 10/04/2020 20:47

"I think its unfair to expect us to pay this for 12 weeks when we have our own bills to pay."

Where have they said they're expecting you to do that? They're his parents. Would you not do it for your parents? I agree with your DH.

SelfIsolationMeansMorePeppa · 10/04/2020 20:47

Would you feel the same if it were your parents?
Are you sure they wont offer to pay?
It's not a nice thing to call you, but I wouldn't expect my parents to pay £20 for shopping unless I was really struggling.

Samtsirch · 10/04/2020 20:47

I was in support of your husband completely, until I read what he called you 🥺

Original poster
fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:47

You are all full of crap really. They’ve asked us to get things for a few weeks now and we’ve done it because I have no problem doing it.

They’ve never once offered to pay us back and I am sick of it. DH seems to think money grows on trees. It doesn’t. And I am not footing the bill for their shopping every single week.

Can’t see how that is cold really. I wouldn’t expect somebody to do it for me.

OP posts:
Onesailwait · 10/04/2020 20:49

Have they actually asked you to fund their shopping for 12wks or did he think it would be nice to pick some bits up for them?. I've been picking up some bits for my elderly neighbors ( milk, bread, weed!) They dont expect it for free but I'm happy to pay because they treat my kids like their own family & i would do the same for my own.

JasonPollack · 10/04/2020 20:49

How broke are you? The answer to this is completely dependent on context. Could I afford to spend £30 a week on someone else's shopping? No. But £30 is a lot of money to me.

If I'd just picked up bread and milk for my mum, say £3, there's no fucking way I'd ask her for the money. Because £3 isn't a lot of money to me. And I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH got sulky about it. She's done a lot for us.

So, how much/if any disposable income do you have? Have your in-laws been kind and helpful to you? There's your answer as to whether YABU.

Shouldn't have called you a bitch though, even if you're being one.

SelfIsolationMeansMorePeppa · 10/04/2020 20:49

You can't see how you are cold, but happy to tell people they are all full of crap because they dont agree with you Hmm
Alright then.

heartsonacake · 10/04/2020 20:50

YABU and he’s right; you are cold.

You keep saying “why should I fund somebody else’s shopping” like they’re just randomness. They’re not just “somebody else”, they’re his elderly parents.

There is a backstory here you’re missing out, along with how the actual conversation went.