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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH

202 replies

fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:25

Hello all. Hope you and your families are all well.

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus.

We have no problem with this as we’d rather they were indoors and as safe as possible but DH paid for their items and isn’t asking them to reimburse him.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I asked him about it and he called me a pathetic cold bitch because I think it’s acceptable to ask for the money back when they’re elderly.

How is this cold? I get that they’re elderly but we can’t afford to pay for their shopping for the next 12 weeks

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 10/04/2020 22:33

Nothing about this makes sense. I'm not sure if you're the coldest, most unreasonable person ever, or just a troll.

Fantasiaa · 10/04/2020 22:35

I’m sure you said something nasty before he swore at you.

rosegoldwatcher · 10/04/2020 22:35

Thanking my lucky stars that you are not my daughter-in-law.

SueEllenMishke · 10/04/2020 22:42

We've been buying bits for my in laws for a few weeks plus other vulnerable people close to us ....we've not asked for the money back and I wouldn't dream of asking for it. It sounds like a nice gesture from your DH

Papoy · 10/04/2020 22:43

2 holes in your argument...
They are not someone else. They are his parents...
You may not earn enough to support them but I am guessing he earns his own money and he could do whatever he likes with it...

Perhaps a bonus one or two, it is easter, this is a lockdown so it is a nice gesture...

If my DH tell me that I should ask for £20 back from my parents... I would be very very VERY annoyed with him and probably this would end up to become a serious issue between us...

RedAndGold00 · 10/04/2020 22:45

Would you ask your own parents to reimburse the shopping? I think it’s ridiculous that you would ask for that money back. They’re his parents ffs. I don’t know how their relationship is with your partner but I’m assuming it’s a solid relationship if you are helping them out in this time. I’m sure they did and spent plenty on him when they were bringing him up and this is probably a fraction of “payback” for the time, money and love invested as parents. Yes I know it’s a parents duty to do all that but doesn’t mean it has to go unappreciated. YABVU

Acidburn · 10/04/2020 22:46

I have a feeling there is a back story here.

magicfarawaytrees · 10/04/2020 22:46

I apologize as I’ve not read the thread in full.

But it depends on two things to me:

  • how generous are they with you? Would they do the same if it were the other way around? Do they ever give you as a couple or him money?
  • can you afford it without cutting back on essentials or bills?
hotcakes4u · 10/04/2020 22:49

I think it’s fine to accept if they offer but rude to outright ask them. Getting a pension hardly means ur flush anyhow

LesFleursDuMal · 10/04/2020 22:49

I actually AM a cold bitch, but not petty like that. Asking parents for £20 back? Nah. It's humiliating. I'm a grown up person, they are my parents, they raised me, paid for everything when I was growing up, and now I'm supposed to ask them for a few quid, I've spent on their milk and bread, back? I'd feel absolutely pathetic.

It's nothing to do with money. My parents are rich, they have way more money than I do (I'm a few small steps from broke). I don't even particularly love them. It's a pride thing. I understand the husband, he's a grown man, it would be humiliating for him to ask.

I also shop for my both side neigbours (non-related, I practically don't know them). A guy on my left is elderly, frail, lives alone. No one ever visits him (before covid, that is) and I feel sorry for him. His shopping list is tiny, just bare necessities. I always add a few nicer bits to his shopping (I pay for those, of course). I was afraid to offend him with this, but he thanked me, he sounded happy, he said it made his day.

Because that's what decent people do, no?

penisbeakers · 10/04/2020 22:51

Wow.

It was £20 for his parents. You're being totally unreasonable.

MitziK · 10/04/2020 22:52

Ignoring the money for a bit, I'd be concerned more about the contempt your husband used when speaking to you - he could have said 'No, I'm not going to ask them for the money', but he used words that aren't just unpleasant in meaning, but would have been practically hissed/spat at you. Nobody can say those things without feeling pure contempt and hatred for the person they're abusing.

Are things usually OK, or is contempt something you'd usually associate with the way he speaks, looks at you or treats you?

Couchbettato · 10/04/2020 22:53

I agree with you OP.

If my H bought some stuff for his dad every week, and it came to £20, then regardless of who's bank account it came from I'd expect a discussion so that we are both on the same page about footing that bill, and if one of us weren't that boundary would need setting with FIL.

If my H went and did it any way, knowing that we share finances but have separate bank accounts, and we're also not very rich I'd be pretty pissed off.

If my FIL had it in his good graces to have granted me some privilege like this in the past, and we had that sort of relationship I probably would drop it. But we don't. My FIL has also always wanted money back, even for things we never asked him to buy. So because of this I would expect there to have been a frank discussion between H and FIL about repayment.

I totally get your situation. The only time I would truly accept being called a cold bitch is if I was asking for money that FIL just didn't have and it was a case of being charitable or watching him starve and I chose starve. But it sounds like your in law's actually have the budget to cough up.

h3av3n · 10/04/2020 22:57

YANBU, there's no reason you should be paying for someones shopping and it's shocking that they haven't offered money! It's £20 not £1, not everyone can afford to be paying for other peoples shopping...

h3av3n · 10/04/2020 22:59

I can't believe so many people here think it's reasonable to ask someone to pick things up from the shop but expect that person to pay, I've never experienced this before and would be shocked if it happened to me, how disrespectful and rude.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/04/2020 23:02

But they didn't ask @h3av3n. The OP said her and her DH decided to get them some bits.

Krisskrosskiss · 10/04/2020 23:05

I think it depends on your finances and how often they expect you to be doing this... 20 quid one time would be okay for me but if this was a regular thing I would struggle as we are low income... I think my and my partners parents would offer to reimburse us and I'd accept the money if it were anything over a tenner to be honest... I've got two kids to fee and we are only on one wage. So I dont think you are being unreasonable personally... and he was being horrific to speak to you like that.

hotcakes4u · 10/04/2020 23:16

@h3av3n it’s not just “someone”..it’s his parents. Surely that should change things.

suggestionsplease1 · 10/04/2020 23:17

I would be very embarassed if my partner pushed me to be reimbursed for things I had bought for my parents. But I guess everyone has different family dynamics.

How do you work out money in your relationship? If he brings in no income at all and you are struggling financially on what you alone are bringing in, you may have a point. If he does earn then he can spend his earnings how he wants within reason, and it's hard to see how this would not be within reason. How much money do you think they spent bringing him up, do you think?

Malvinaa81 · 10/04/2020 23:19

I think the word "bitch" was incorrect and hurtful. But the rest was accurate.

LalalalalaLlama · 10/04/2020 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 10/04/2020 23:37

This is a joke surely?!! I thought you were going to say £100 or something....why are your Even bothered about £20?! I bet your dh was to embarrassed to even afk them to pay that back,,,,you are being mega tight tbh. It's the worse time we've ever had at the moment people are dying and seriously ill.....it's 20 fucking quid.

meditereb · 10/04/2020 23:40

I agree with hik ! Its his parents for gods sake ! Whats wrong with you people !

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/04/2020 23:45

OP will definitely be name changing after this Grin

LolaDarkdestroyer · 10/04/2020 23:50

You know what..."you devised to get some bits and bobs" for them, so they didn't actually ask the "bits and bobs" your dh bought them and you wanted to charge them that's even worse.

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