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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH

202 replies

fourpeasinapod · 10/04/2020 20:25

Hello all. Hope you and your families are all well.

My DH did our two weekly shop this afternoon and we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents as they can’t go out to the shops due to the lockdown and the virus.

We have no problem with this as we’d rather they were indoors and as safe as possible but DH paid for their items and isn’t asking them to reimburse him.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I asked him about it and he called me a pathetic cold bitch because I think it’s acceptable to ask for the money back when they’re elderly.

How is this cold? I get that they’re elderly but we can’t afford to pay for their shopping for the next 12 weeks

OP posts:
2tired2function · 10/04/2020 21:16

It’s £20? If your finances are really tight I could understand wanting the money back but seriously? I wouldn’t ask my parents for that, I’d be happy that I was able to help keep them safe. Likewise for DH’s parents. I hope he didn’t really call you a bitch but otherwise I think you’re well out of order here.

gobbynorthernbird · 10/04/2020 21:17

You seem very confused, OP. Are you feeling alright?

WifflyWaffle · 10/04/2020 21:18

I don’t think you are a cold bitch - you are worried about money. Does your DH not think your finances are tight? Do your in-laws know you don’t much income coming in?

I think it’s a bit different to shop for parents than it is to shop for a neighbour (we’ve been regularly paying for my DH’s parents’ groceries since lockdown, but we are fine financially) and normally you’d probably just write off the amount given how much they’ve bought for your DH in their lifetimes. However, I think that does change slightly if this is a weekly shop at a time that you are on a tight budget. They should offer to pay.

PuggyMum · 10/04/2020 21:18

I've been getting my mum some bits from the shop whether she wants it or not. (And the stuff she wants). A few things I know she can't afford. To show her I miss her and I'm thinking of her.

I wouldn't dream of asking her for the money for the bits she asked for. She's my mum and I love her.

I've not even told DH. He wouldn't bat an eyelid. We can't really afford to be frivolous but she's my mum!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2020 21:19

we decided to get a few bits and bobs for his elderly parents

If they didn't ask you to get the items in the first place, I don't see how you can demand payment.

Emeeno1 · 10/04/2020 21:19

It's really lovely that you both wanted to do this for your husband's parents. Being their son, there may be an element of pride involved in asking to be repaid. He probably feels the desire to provide for them during this difficult time.

Everyone is worried and prioritising different things. For you it is finances, for him his parents. Neither of you are right or wrong , you just need to talk it through.

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 21:19

Yabu. Neither DH or I take money off our mums for anything. We even put money in their accounts too sometimes 🤷

Muchtoomuchtodo · 10/04/2020 21:19

YANBU imo.
I am currently shopping for my in-laws and next door neighbour.
Neither is expecting me to pay for their items (thank goodness - it all adds up to quite a lot).

The in laws have quite expensive taste and we’re into week 4 now. They started off handing over cash but I asked if we could just get a cheque at the end for everything to avoid handling the money. Instead of us being out of pocket they’re transferring lump sums of money into our account and topping up as and when needed - that was their suggestion.
Next door neighbour can’t get the hang of internet banking. She wanted to try but is severely dyslexic and so she’s dropping cash through our letter box after I drop her groceries on the doorstep for her.
While I’m not a cold bitch, our bank account isn’t a bottomless pit and we are yet to find a money tree. The current system is keeping everyone happy, as well as well stocked up.

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 21:21

I think its unfair to expect us to pay this for 12 weeks when we have our own bills to pay.

Won't it be 6 if it's fortnightly?

joydivisionovengloves71 · 10/04/2020 21:21

It's £20 a fortnight @WorriedMum6868

In future just say I don't like getting into debt on my credit card, can you pay for them instead. It still comes out of the family pot I suppose but you'd be paying interest on that £40 each month

puds11 · 10/04/2020 21:22

@fourpeasinapod what is your financial situation? You haven’t actually answered it. And why are you giving your husband your credit card?

If it bothers you so much then just take the card off him and —let them starve— don’t bother getting them more stuff.

Personally I couldn’t begrudge £20 to my husbands parents and we are on one income.

MrsKoala · 10/04/2020 21:23

£20 isn't their entire shopping is it tho? unless they really eat frugally. So how else are they getting food? Like you said it was a few bits. A few bits which added up to £20. Which depending on how tight your finances are, are affordable or not.

Have you answered whether they asked you to get the bits or not? I shopped for someone the other day and I put some extra bits for her and the dc in the bags, I would never ask for that money back as I chose to pick up the extras as a kind gesture.

Are you shopping for them weekly for 12 more weeks - all their food - if not how are they shopping? Have you shopped for them previously?

I shop for my parents every week and I choose to pay for extra bits for them too. They have taken a financial hit from this and I can afford it so I think that's just evening things up a bit.

springiscoming12 · 10/04/2020 21:25

Wow OP, who pissed in your cornflakes? Did they make you pay for it too? Jeeeeez, lighten up love

AcrossthePond55 · 10/04/2020 21:26

I wouldn't expect my iLs nor my parents to pay me back, especially in today's situation. We aren't rolling in it but could afford an extra £20-30. Our parents have 'earned' that much simply based on the fact that they were wonderful parents. Plus, for us it would all come out in the wash. They have never asked for money from us if they picked up things for us in the past. Based on that I think you sound tight and unkind. Not to mention ungrateful, unless your iLs were shit parents to your DH or are mean to you. Remember that chickens often come home to roost.

If you and DH have separate finances I do think that he should be paying for his parents out of his money, just as you should pay for your parents out of yours if the situation were reversed.

Would you expect your parents to pay you back in this situation, too?

PinkiOcelot · 10/04/2020 21:27

You sound absolutely charming OP!

CoffeeRunner · 10/04/2020 21:30

So OP, when your PILs pass away (not being dramatic, I don’t mean of Covid-19 just one day, eventually) you’ll be the very first to say “WTF, no I won’t have a penny of their money! I wouldn’t have it under normal circumstances so why should I have it now!?”

No. I thought not.

Some of us look after our elderly parents as we would our own children. We love them & are happy to do whatever little thing we can for them.

Shame on you.

joydivisionovengloves71 · 10/04/2020 21:30

If you decided to pick up a few bits then I'm guessing they didn't give you a list? Theyre probably not expecting it to be a regular thing.

If my son came round with a bag of shopping saying heymum, got you a few things you might need, I'd of course offer to reimburse him but he'd likely say no. Plus I might not even have enough cash on me. Unlikely I'd think 'oh free shopping I'm on to a winner here'

Tattoocrazymum · 10/04/2020 21:31

I do see where you are coming from.
I love my parents and my in laws to bits.... but, i can just manage our own shopping bill, i would absolutely love to help them out but we cant afford it. Now getting some bits is affordable and, if they were desperate i would pull the money together somehow because i would hate to see then struggle.

Not everyone is financially stable right now. £20 weekly is alot for some people.
If it was a one off i would back off and let it go as thats not too bad.

Yellowshirt · 10/04/2020 21:32

Your not really giving enough information regarding your finances. Are you struggling for money?
Every family is different. My family always give money back even if it's just a couple of quid where as my ex wifes family would pick up shopping for us and we would do the same for them .
It always worked the same for stuff like takeaways and stuff as well.

LovePoppy · 10/04/2020 21:35

I pick up things for my mother when I shop all the time. It’s a normal occurrence for us. She has never not reimbursed me.

I don’t understand calling OP cold

ILoveYou3000 · 10/04/2020 21:37

Are they able to get to the post office to collect their pension at the moment? Or a cash point to take money out of their bank.

RightOnTheEdge · 10/04/2020 21:37

As someone who is on a low income I can totally understand you worrying about the money if it is going to leave you in difficulty.
It was a really horrible way to talk to you does he often speak to you like that? I hope not.

The thing is though you are not coming across very well and are being pretty rude.
If you put it that way in real life then you probably did seem cold and heartless to him.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/04/2020 21:38

It doesn't sound as if he told you he'd be doing their shopping for 12 weeks so why are you jumping ahead? He shouldn't have called you names. Was it out of the blue or part of an ongoing argument?

Sympathy for the name-calling but if I spent £20 on my parents especially at least his time & DP lectured me I'd tell him to wind his neck and his nose in, and piss off. Presumably your man isn't spending money he doesn't have. & They're not randoms, they're his parents.

GADDay · 10/04/2020 21:38

I call bs.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 10/04/2020 21:39

The thing is you keep changing the story when the thread doesn’t go your way, your tone is very rude, and you have flatly refused to consider other points. If this is the way you communicate in real life I can see where the problem is.