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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD self isolates for 14 days

249 replies

Quicknewname · 10/04/2020 19:51

DD is 25 yo and lives at home, currently wfh.

Today she went out to supermarket to pick up a few bits of shopping (DH is shielding and I am staying at home as much as possible).
She was gone a long time so I rang her and she said she was in a park about 8 miles away, she had gone to meet her bf.

I lost my temper with her and told her she would have to either go and stay somewhere else (staying with bf not an option) or she could come home but would need to self isolate in her bedroom for 14 days (incubation period). She came home and I sent her straight upstairs (with a few choice words!) and told her she cannot leave her room other than to use the bathroom ( we have en-suite so bathroom is for her use).
We will have to take her food/drinks up to her in her room.

I feel awful having to do this but there’s really no choice is there? She has brought this on herself, she knows her DD is in vulnerable group and up until now she’s been really helpful and following the guidelines.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 11/04/2020 23:55

YANBU. My mum is a shielded person. A mild cold can trigger an asthma attack for her, and she then needs a nebuliser for days. She would not survive this virus so you have my sympathies. I would give her the same two options.

You have to care of the most vulnerable person in the house.

SharonasCorona · 11/04/2020 23:55

Why on earth are you doing her washing and ironing OP? Confused

Bluesrunthegame · 11/04/2020 23:57

If your DH is shielded, why are you not using some of the shopping help available? If you sent your DD to a supermarket, you took a risk, people frequently don't maintain the 2 metre separation and all customers are breathing the same air full of bacteria that has been coughed or sneezed out. Your DD's trip to a park seems less risky to me. If you find your local next door website, there are lots of lovely people offering to pick up shopping and leave it at the end of your garden/on your doorstep, might be sfer than you going to a supermarket or sending a family member.

Original poster
Quicknewname · 11/04/2020 23:58

@SharonasCorona
Isn’t that what all abusive parents do?

OP posts:
KenAdams · 12/04/2020 00:10

You haven't answered the question. Have you asked her about whether or not she kept to the 2m distance in the park?

saraclara · 12/04/2020 00:10

@Bluesrunthegame you're not going to get an answer from the OP. She's been asked this again and again. Fact is she risked her DH more by sending her daughter to the supermarket. But she's ignoring the question.

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 12/04/2020 00:16

If your DD broke the rules by travelling to see her BF the chances are she also did not stay 2m away. How many young people have the discipline to do that if they can get away with it. He doesn't need to show symptoms to be affected as most people carrying the virus are Asymptomatic. They still pass it on though. This is the real problem. So no I don't think you're over reacting. Sadly by the comments here people still just don't understand the risk. Learning the hard way is heartbreaking.... why would anyone risk that.

milkysmum · 12/04/2020 00:22

I'm a nurse, a mental health worker, a parent, and the daughter of someone extremely vulnerable. I manage a care home and my residents are vulnerable. I take the government guidance extremely seriously. However OP I'm afraid I think you are being unreasonable asking her to stay in her bedroom for 14 days. It is your husband who should do so if he is shielding I'm afraid, not your daughter. Whilst she has technically gone against the guidance meeting her boyfriend in the park I suspect she was at much higher risk of picking up the virus from the supermarket which you would not be asking her to self isolate for. Be annoyed yes, ask her not to do it again, but you cannot keep a 25 year old woman in her bedroom for the next 2 weeks.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 12/04/2020 01:00

YANBU at all given your husband is such high risk. She's 25 ffs so more than old enough to know better. If she want to see her boyfriend she can go stay with him.

Lynda07 · 12/04/2020 01:19

I feel as though I'd like to help the op's daughter escape.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 12/04/2020 08:16

She won't need to escape. There's a front door.

To be honest Op. Even if you do forgive this I would tell her the time has come for her to spread her wings and that after lockdown ends she needs to find somewhere else. If she can't follow the rules then she needs to go.

celan · 12/04/2020 08:59

@Quicknewname

Did you feel this way before Coronavirus or has the pandemic and everything that goes with it made you feel so despondent?

I felt this way when I left abusive XH and in the aftermath. I got through it with counselling, work, having my own money as a result of work, and being able to leave the house freely and see friends.

Now I have none of these things thanks to the lockdown. I will be one of the casualties of CV, but not as a result of catching the disease.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/04/2020 09:03

So it makes sense, as food is essential, to take advantage of the organisations who will shop for you if you are shielding a family member

Who are these organisations? Seriously? I'm shielding but they all ask if you have a friend or family member to shop for you. Seriously, what organisations will go and do your shopping if you have two healthy adults living with you?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/04/2020 09:07

If your DH is shielded, why are you not using some of the shopping help available?

Because there isn't any available if you have someone that can do it for you? There isn't enough capacity for the people that really do need it eg living alone, no family, couple both shielding

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2020 09:39

@saraclara why are you so absolutely obsessed with why she sent her to the supermarket? Because we all need food, and delivery services are massively oversubscribed and unavailable to a lot of us, obviously.

If we all carried on doing all the things that are less risky than going to the supermarket there are probably loads of things we would still be doing, and as a result everyone would still be out and it would be spreading faster. We don't go to the supermarket because it is the least risky thing we could be doing, we go there because we actually need to, whereas we don't need to do all those other things that are technically less risky.

Also, yes going to the supermarket is more risky than going to the park. But if OPs daughter met someone else there that has also been going to the supermarket, then she has doubled her exposure to supermarket germs because if he has caught anything by going there, then she will likely have it too if they touched.

I really don't get why any of that is hard to understand, or why everyone's response to people taking stupid risks is "well you're still doing x so you might as well do y as well." No wonder it is spreading so fast.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/04/2020 09:49

I think anyone who believes the DD went to the park to meet her boyfriend and obeyed social distancing is hard of thinking. At the very least they kissed didn't they.

Porcupineinwaiting · 12/04/2020 09:53

@Hearhooves yes you would think so. And like fick should the OPs dh have to hide in his bedroom for 2 weeks.
If she (the dd) doesn't like the rules she can leave and live independently. Maybe with her boyfriend if she is so unable to live without him.

tallah · 12/04/2020 09:58

@lilactree1 that's exactly what they do if sheilding and key workers

Mittens030869 · 12/04/2020 10:03

@Porcupineinwaiting

That's what I think. Mumsnet is funny sometimes; they get all riled up by neighbours receiving visitors (which is irresponsible but doesn't affect them), insisting the OP should report.

And yet here the OP is slated as abusive for insisting that her DD should self-isolate for 14 days before going out again. She wouldn't be holding her hostage as this is a condition on her staying with her parents. She's an adult and could stay with this bf she loves so much.

I think the OP did herself no favours by attacking those who disagreed with her, but her anger with her DD is understandable as her DH (and DD's dad?) is justified. Although I also think she should have talked through with her DD what actually happened. A 25 year old is more likely than a teenager to be sensible about social distancing.

saraclara · 12/04/2020 11:13

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras obviously I can't speak for where the OP lives, but where I am there are lots of organisations doing shopping and medication collecting for shielding families. I volunteer for one of them, and there are more volunteers available than people asking for help. Between the churches, the good neighbours group, the next door website, and another group set up by a local councillor, (and there may be others I don't know about) families shielding a member, have quite a few options.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/04/2020 11:21

saraclara

Well not here there aren't. Our neighbour lives alone, has terminal lung cancer and has been told to shield. We cannot get any help for her at all. Registered her with the government scheme and she's still waiting for the essential box, let alone any other help so my husband is doing her shopping. Can't get a supermarket delivery her either for love nor money.

A group was set up on Facebook but they only want to pick up an odd item like milk or a loaf of bread, not do a full shop so really don't know where we go to get our full shop done.

Should my husband also resign from his job too? Any schemes available to pay his wages permanently, plus pay our daughters rent at uni that we are having to pay now as she has no part time work and the rent still has to be paid?

Original poster
Quicknewname · 12/04/2020 15:36

@Lynda07

She can escape 😂. There’s no lock on her bedroom or front door, she has her own car so she is perfectly free to leave if she so wishes

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 12/04/2020 17:34

Well that's a relief.

Bookoffacts · 12/04/2020 21:30

Leave and be homeless or stay in an abusive situation.
Great choice!

drunkyhumptydumpty · 12/04/2020 21:39

Abusive 😂😂

I can not imagine these people typing this shit with a straight face.

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