To insist DD self isolates for 14 days

[Quicknewname]

DD is 25 yo and lives at home, currently wfh.

Today she went out to supermarket to pick up a few bits of shopping (DH is shielding and I am staying at home as much as possible).
She was gone a long time so I rang her and she said she was in a park about 8 miles away, she had gone to meet her bf.

I lost my temper with her and told her she would have to either go and stay somewhere else (staying with bf not an option) or she could come home but would need to self isolate in her bedroom for 14 days (incubation period). She came home and I sent her straight upstairs (with a few choice words!) and told her she cannot leave her room other than to use the bathroom ( we have en-suite so bathroom is for her use).
We will have to take her food/drinks up to her in her room.

I feel awful having to do this but there’s really no choice is there? She has brought this on herself, she knows her DD is in vulnerable group and up until now she’s been really helpful and following the guidelines.

@drunkyhumptydumpty
Me neither! They obviously don’t know what the word abusive actually means. My DD is actually quite spoilt really, hence why she still chooses to live at home! She has a very happy home life with us (most of the time) it’s just that she’s quite besotted with this bf and is obviously finding it very difficult to not be seeing him atm.
We’ve had a talk about what happened and she assures me that when they met in the park they were 2 metres apart at all times and my DH thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, so she’s not “locked” in her room now. I think (hope) that she realises she shouldn’t have done what she did and will be more responsible in the future. You just can’t take any chances with this bloody virus, the numbers dying now is just shocking 😢

@Bookoffacts
leave and be homeless or stay in an abusive situation
Hmmm...or risk catching the virus or giving it to someone else, another good choice

That's great. But for your sanity. I would calmly sit with her and nicely explain that this loving together has come to an end.
And that she's not being thrown out but after this she needs to start getting her arse in gear and leaving.

You are completely OTT.

Finally you ask her what happened, something you could have done when she walked in the door and it turns out she kept 2m apart from the BF in an outdoor space. So pretty much negligible risk.

You should apologize to your DD for your hysterics.

Going to the supermarket is an essential journey as defined by the government

Going to meet her boyfriend is not

The PM'S speech on the lockdown:

"You should not be meeting friends. If your friends ask you to meet, you should say No.

You should not be meeting family members who do not live in your home. "

The OP is not "hysterical" to require that her DD follow government rules,
when there is a shielded person in the house

The OP'S DD can decide whether she wants to follow govt social distancing rules, or move in with her BF

In his own home, the OP's DH can decide if he wishes to be confined to his bedroom for 3 months,
or whether he can take some risk and rely on the other members of the household to follow the social distancing rules

Abusive 😂😂*

I can not imagine these people typing this shit with a straight face.*

I agree, Plus, It's also very offensive to those of us who actually did have an abusive parent growing up.

The OP is certainly not that. It must be very stressful living with a partner who is high risk in this pandemic situation. Yes, she did overreact, but her DD did break the guidelines for the lockdown.

It’s not so much what the DD did, which is clearly a matter of subjective assessment of risk and which some posters are judging to be Ok and other not, it’s the OP’s reaction. Instead of talking with her DD and finding out an essential bit of information she sent her to her room for 14 days.

Not everyone has good communication skills unfortunately.

@Booboostwo
I will certainly not be apologising to her for taking the lockdown rules seriously. It’s a shame everyone isn’t doing the same, we might stand a chance of getting through this nightmare quicker if they did.

Hope your dd gets to move out soon though. Don’t agree with what she did but you sound like you don’t even like her .

Nice bit of righteous indignation and virtue signaling there OP but you are still talking rubbish. She kept 2 meters away from the boyfriend in an open space which is fine.

She kept 2 meters away from the boyfriend in an open space which is fine.

Depends what you mean by "fine"

She broke the government rules about lockdown - if it's fine to meet family and friends, so long as you stay 2 metres apart, why didn't they allow us to do that?

Research is coming out showing that 2 metres may not be enough and that actually, coughing and sneezing spreads respiratory droplets many times further than 2 metres.

So, actually, it wasn't fine at all. Now, if the boyfriend doesn't have C19, then of course it was fine from a risk to her dad POV. Problem is, by the time they know it wasn't fine it will be too late.

She kept 2 meters away from the boyfriend in an open space which is fine.

Why do you keep insisting this?

A) It has been mentioned many, many times by government advisors that we don't yet know if 2 metres is enough to protect us from droplets and it probably isn't.

B) the two metre rule is supposed to apply to when you go out for essential purposes or exercise, they have specifically said you are not supposed to meet up with people from outside of your house for fun.

It is not "fine" just because it features the 2m buzzword, it is still against the rules and advice and it is way out of line for one person to make that "calculated risk" without consulting the other people in the house, one of which is particularly vulnerable, but both of which are far more vulnerable than her.

Booboostwo has an agenda here, to make us all believe that the OP is Mother Gothal and her DD is Rapunzel, who needs rescuing from her tower. It's actually very insulting to someone like me to hear posters like her referring to this situation as 'abusive'. It really isn't, her DD is quite capable of moving in with her boyfriend.

How would they all feel if her dad were to die of COVID-19, as over 10,000 people have already done? Young people can be massively affected as well, even if they don't die. It's also irresponsible to potentially need hospital treatment when NHS frontline staff are at risk.

(I have COVID-19 myself. I didn't go to hospital, thank goodness, but I still haven't recovered 5 weeks into it.)

This is one of those situations where people's perceived risk is different to the actual risk.

Going to the supermarket is much riskier than meeting her boyfriend in a park, especially if they kept distance. Yes, the supermarket is an essential thing and the park wasn't, but in terms of what has actually put your husband in more danger, the supermarket is much riskier.

Making her stay in isolation for 14 days is more about punishing her for breaking the rules than about actually keeping your husband safe. She shouldn't have done that, knowing that her dad is extremely high risk, but in terms of cold hard risk, it's probably quite low.

As an aside, if your husband is in the shielding group, then you can get your name on a supermarket list for online delivery can't you? Having been a couple of times since lockdown, I would say supermarkets are majorly risky for catching Covid!

I have said 'risk' a lot in this post!

As an aside, if your husband is in the shielding group, then you can get your name on a supermarket list for online delivery can't you?

Not necessarily, no. Why do people keep labouring under this false assumption?

The supermarkets don't have enough delivery slots for everyone that needs them and there are also people who don't need them that are booking them, so even less available for those who do.

You are asked if there is anyone else who can shop for you - a relative, friend or neighbour - if you say yes then you dont get a slot. The supermarkets also have a list of shielded people and your name has to be on that list to get a slot. I've heard from loads of people who have received the shielding text and letter who are then told by the supermarket that they aren't on this list, so it's a complete shambles.

So no, being shielded does not guarantee you a delivery slot by any means

@Chillicheese123
Actually my DD and I have a great relationship, that’s why she is still at home, although she is saving hard for a deposit on a house/flat. She is an only child and has always been a little bit spoilt but we are very close.
She is not in a desperate hurry to move out as she is happy at home, normal arguments like in any family but generally we get on really well. She’s just about to paint my toenails for me actually.
To suggest that I don’t even like her is actually laughable.

Paint your toes is she not in her room ?

No, the OP dropped that requirement after speaking to her DD and establishing that she and her bf maintained social distancing.

Please let there be no more accusations of abuse here, this isn't that by any stretch.

The OP's dd should not broken the rules, but the original threat to make her stay in her room for 14 days was completely over the top.

In some countries you can meet a friend if you keep the 2m apart, so there is zero evidence that she in any way endangered anyone else.

It was OTT, but it was borne of fear for her DH, and she did back down from that. It appears that she and her DD have a good relationship usually.

I think it's very easy to overreact at this point because there is a lot of anxiety around COVID-19, and the OP's DH would be high risk if he caught it, so IMO, the thread should be seen in that context.

This type of action could be abusive if there was a history of the OP constantly 'overreacting' when her DD was a child, but there really doesn't appear to be any kind of backstory at all. (I'm basing that on the fact that the DD is choosing to live at home rather than renting a flat, which it sounds like she could afford to do.)

.@Mittens030869
Thank you.

I can’t believe the outrageous suggestions I have read (although this is MN so I shouldn’t really be surprised!) that I am an abusive mother. It’s actually laughable the way some people’s minds work. If anything I’ve probably been too soft on her all her life, with her being an only child.
As I’ve said before to put some people’s minds at rest, she is very happy at home and is saving hard to buy her own place...she doesn’t want to rent as she feels this would be wasted money when she’s trying to save.

@bigchris

She's 25, can't see her boyfriend, and now you've said she has to work and eat in her room for 14 days
Not seeing anyone

Aren't you worried about her mental health?
Ffs, unless she has significant Mental ill-health issues already, self-isolating for 14 days to protect a parent is not going to
create significant poor MH.

MH issues aren't just being upset at not being able to see a bf for a few weeks. It isn't just feeling a bit low from time to time which affects most people at some point in their lives. That is perfectly normal and is not poor mental health.

You are downplaying what MH issues actually are in what you are saying and that isn't at all helpful to those who do suffer true mental ill-health.