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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD self isolates for 14 days

249 replies

Quicknewname · 10/04/2020 19:51

DD is 25 yo and lives at home, currently wfh.

Today she went out to supermarket to pick up a few bits of shopping (DH is shielding and I am staying at home as much as possible).
She was gone a long time so I rang her and she said she was in a park about 8 miles away, she had gone to meet her bf.

I lost my temper with her and told her she would have to either go and stay somewhere else (staying with bf not an option) or she could come home but would need to self isolate in her bedroom for 14 days (incubation period). She came home and I sent her straight upstairs (with a few choice words!) and told her she cannot leave her room other than to use the bathroom ( we have en-suite so bathroom is for her use).
We will have to take her food/drinks up to her in her room.

I feel awful having to do this but there’s really no choice is there? She has brought this on herself, she knows her DD is in vulnerable group and up until now she’s been really helpful and following the guidelines.

OP posts:
Summersunandoranges · 11/04/2020 11:05

Quicknew YOUR not following the rules. Neither is your DH. HE should be self isolating away from you both. HE should be in the bedroom. Not your dd.

Your bending the rules to what suits you and your dh.

Your being unfair in your dd. But I do t think you want to hear that do you? All your dh is doing is social distancing.

Original poster
Quicknewname · 11/04/2020 11:05

I’d rather be seen as controlling than be seen dead in my coffin (relatives of Coronavirus who have died don’t even get to do this) or see any of my family succumb to it.

OP posts:
Eggcited · 11/04/2020 11:09

You don't seem to have taken any of the advice on shielding on board. I appreciate your DD hasn't followed the rules, but it's a bit hypocritical to react so strongly when you're also putting your husband at risk.

Alanna1 · 11/04/2020 11:12

Could you afford for her to move out and in with the DB? Would you or she want that? It is hard to be mid 20s and living with your parents at this time, especially if you’re shielding. Maybe you know someone who has gone away / moved in with someone else whose flat they could use at a reduced rent.

Beansandcoffee · 11/04/2020 11:15

Still not listening OP. You are starting to sound very controlling.

What about your husband not isolating properly because you like to sit in the same chair every evening.

Wheresthesanitygone · 11/04/2020 11:22

I have a 22yr old dd currently living at home. She drives me mad regularly just because her idea of what is reasonable in the house is different to mine. BUT I want to keep a good relationship with her for the rest of my life so I have learnt what to let go and what to react to.

In your instance she thought meeting her fb in an open space was reasonable. You think your dh not shielding correctly is reasonable. You are both wrong.

What you need to do here is look at the bigger picture. Your dh should be in a separate room. Yes it’s shit but thousands of people are having to do it. If he won’t then you have to live with the chance you or dd bring the virus home from shopping. All she has done is add meeting her bf to this, in a safer environment to a shop.

I said before but I’ll repeat it. Is it worth losing your relationship with dd over?

HowManyToes · 11/04/2020 11:23

Of course YANBU. At 25 she’s a fully grown adult and can understand the seriousness of her actions. If I were you I’d be absolutely FURIOUS at her.

Wheresthesanitygone · 11/04/2020 11:23

Bf not fb

AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2020 11:24

I think we should just lift all the lockdown restrictions so that people can just go about doing what they want. Given that so many on these threads seem to think they should have the right to do that anyway.

I mean we’ve had threads about how it’s fine to go and have picnics on the beach/in the park, how meeting up with someone outside the household is perfectly fine and reacting to that is out of order. So why not just tell people to do what they want and let the virus spread.

See if people are still singing the same tune a few weeks down the line.

LovePoppy · 11/04/2020 11:56

It’s not about her age

It’s about your husband not properly shielding, so you are grounding her!

EricaNernie · 11/04/2020 11:59

In Germany you can meet friends for a walk, if you keep your distance, and their record doesnt look too shabby for Covid 19

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/04/2020 12:02

It’s about your husband not properly shielding, so you are grounding her!

The shielding rules don't say that we have to stay in one room for three months. Within the general house we are told that we can share a bathroom, we can use rooms that are used by other household members, we can, infrequently, be in the same room but maintaining two metre distance. The dad could be staying in his own room but the DD would still have put him at increased risk by touching surfaces in the house that her dad might touch. So however you look at this, she has put him at increased risk.

Bookoffacts · 11/04/2020 12:08

You're being abusive and you won't hear it in your hysteria. LTB applies here as abusers won't see the error of their ways.
You can't imprison an adult. It is extremely against the law.
If I had any access to her I'd tell her to ring he police and hopefully you would be arrested and she would go to a refuge.
This is no different to a man imprisoning his wife justifying it because it is his house, his rules.
I just hope there are hospices so she won't be homeless. But being homeless would be better than being in a DEEPLY ABUSIVE situation with you imprisoning her.

AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2020 12:27

This is no different to a man imprisoning his wife justifying it because it is his house, his rules. what a load of hysterical rubbish.

She has a choice. She can do what is in the best interests of her vulnerable parent, or she can move out. The OP gave her that choice.

And no, the rules of shielding do not mean the shielded person is confined to one room for the duration i.e. three months. How do you think that e.g. single parents manage shielding if those are the rules? Or children? in fact would confining a shielded child to one room not be considered abusive in the same way? That is imprisoning is it not?

The daughter here is 25. She’s an adult. If she doesn’t like it there she can move out.

Summersunandoranges · 11/04/2020 12:32

I think the OP is going to be a huge fan of

‘Do as I say but not as I do’ ...

FamilyOfAliens · 11/04/2020 12:36

She has a choice. She can do what is in the best interests of her vulnerable parent, or she can move out. The OP gave her that choice.

So what is viewing properties, instructing a removals company, etc going to look like for the DD at the moment, then?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/04/2020 12:42

Maybe the DD should have considered that before she broke the lockdown?

AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2020 12:53

So what is viewing properties, instructing a removals company, etc going to look like for the DD at the moment, then? maybe she should have thought of that.

Thing is, so many people seem to say things along the lines of “you’re going to damage your relationship with your child if you essentially don’t pander to them.” Including one poster who said that she moved out as soon as her parents started to insist she pay them rent. Imagine. How absolutely awful that a parent should require an adult child to pay their way. Hmm

I think that people who insist that this is all a big fuss over nothing and that they shouldn’t have to abide by the rules won’t change their minds until someone they know comes down with it.

I have a family member who has started going out daily because she feels she should be able to and how dare the government tell her she can’t. Never mind the fact she never used to go out before all this happened.

People are acting as if these rules are there to punish them....

Maybe the DD should move in with this boyfriend she couldn’t stay away from....

We all have families we can’t see. I haven’t seen my DP for five weeks and there is no prospect of me seeing him any time soon as I am in a vulnerable group, This is life. And 25 is not a child. Not even close.

Generalblah · 11/04/2020 12:59

Can I just say thank you for taking this so seriously and ensuring your daughter realises just how serious her actions were.

My SIL had left her parents house one week into lockdown to live with her non-boyfriend only to return 2 weeks later because she was unwell (nonCV). I was disgusted by her actions and am livid at how her parents don’t care what she does.

Fromthebirdsnest · 11/04/2020 13:00

OP yanbu , these replys are absolutely infuriating , I'm in the shielded group o have 3 children who are 4,9&11 my husband and I are best friends who wants to tell them i died because someone's mental health was more important ? Someone had to break the rules because they "needed" to , I have severe asthma , I nearly died from a small amount of fluid on my.lung and was on icu in November, I have chrones and a very low immune system, if I get corona virus then it would v likely be a death sentence , people need to stay home ,some people are ridiculous and selfish !

Ragwort · 11/04/2020 14:33

OP you are studiously ignoring all the comments about why you think going to the supermarket is safer than meeting in a park? And who is doing the shopping now that your daughter is locked in?

aSofaNearYou · 11/04/2020 15:01

It's completely unreasonable of her to make this decision without asking the other people she is in lockdown with - very immature regardless of how high the risk is, these decisions should be joint at this time. I think you've done the right thing.

LovePoppy · 11/04/2020 15:31

DD would still have put him at increased risk by touching surfaces in the house that her dad might touch. So however you look at this, she has put him at increased risk.

Well, by this, so has OP. She also goes food shopping

aSofaNearYou · 11/04/2020 15:37

OP has to go food shopping. The difference is what her DD did was not essential. None of us are supposed to be taking risks that aren't essential.

twinnywinny14 · 11/04/2020 15:42

Even if you take the confusion of government advice out of the equation, have you and DD has a conversation about what she need to do? Did she know you didn’t want her to meet her BF? Does she understand what you wanted? If so then she has gone against your wishes and should be following your rules whilst under your roof