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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let my children play in the garden?

360 replies

SlightlyHassled · 10/04/2020 10:07

Our neighbours have complained about the noise caused by my two boys in our garden. They are age 10 and 7.

They were playing very happily (Top Trumps, as it happens) at the end of the garden furthest away from the house (and the neighbours' house) while I was indoors. I heard one of the neighbours shout, 'Oi!' but since I didn't hear anything else, I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, one of the neighbours yelled my name, then the other did. As I was indoors, and my boys were still playing happily, I just ignored it. A few minutes later one of them came round to say we were too loud and they were unhappy about it. He said I was reading aloud to the children and that he and his wife could hear every word. (I had been reading aloud to my children in the same part of the garden earlier in the afternoon but I wasn't doing so at the point when they complained. I don't think I was doing so any louder than the volume you'd use for a normal conversation.)

I don't think the problem is really me reading to the children. I think the problem is general noise. They have complained to us before on a number occasions about our noisy children. They are retired and don't have grandchildren, and there aren't a lot of other children living near us, so ours are the ones making all the noise that they hear. We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children. We do lots of our structured lessons in the garden, and the neighbours have previously said they don't have a problem with us doing "quiet learning" out there. We don't have a TV and don't use electronic devices much, so our children do a lot of playing outdoors. It's been a long-standing problem, though the neighbours have complained about noise from indoors too. (We are two halves of a semi with only a thin wall between, and we have very echoey acoustics in our kitchen, and an open-plan layout downstairs.)

There isn't any goodwill on their part because they think we don't care and do nothing. The wife told us once she should be able to read a book in her garden at 6pm without hearing our children. They wrote to us once complaining about the noise, and complaining that we never told our children to be quiet. For the next 3 days, I did nothing different from normal but I made a note of every time I asked the boys to be quieter because of the neighbours. I did so 35-40 times a day (!), and that was pretty typical of what I was doing before they complained. We wrote back to the neighbours explaining that, but never had a response.

They don't wake up until 8.30am, and when they complained about noise from the garden before that, we stopped letting the boys out of doors until after 9am, and stopped eating breakfast in the garden. When the neighbours complained about noise from indoors, we spent £500 on sound insulation boards to go against our party wall. Unfortunately when we put the first one up, DS1 and I had an allergic reaction to something in it, and we had to take it off the wall and throw them away. We did tell the neighbours about that.

With garden noise, we always bring the children indoors as soon as they start fighting or stropping or screaming. I understand that people don't want to listen to bickering from over the fence (something else the neighbours have complained about in the past).
My children aren't especially quiet, but I don't think they're especially noisy either. My parents are always telling me how much quieter they are than my brother's 4 boys, for example.

If they're not behaving in an antisocial manner, I think it's fine for my children to be playing in their own garden and that I shouldn't be constantly on their case to play indoors, or to play with hushed voices. AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2020 09:50

You have to let kids be kids I hate this term , what does it even mean

It means acknowledging that kids are different to adults and the expected norms of behaviour for them should not the same.

For a very long time, kids in UK culture were expected to confirm to adult focused norms and I don’t think that was at all fair to them.

It’s still not a particularly child friendly society. Thankfully I live in Ireland, which is a little better.

Abraid2 · 12/04/2020 10:56

For a very long time, kids in UK culture were expected to confirm to adult focused norms

If you live in Ireland why are you lecturing us on how things in the UK?

minipie · 12/04/2020 11:02

No one on this thread is expecting kids to behave like adults. We all know kids are noisy, that’s fine and normal.

We are saying that usually kids would not be outdoors all day every day. So the OP’s outdoors home education approach is creating unusual amounts of noise for her neighbours.

LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2020 11:07

If you live in Ireland why are you lecturing us on how things in the UK?

I’ve lived a significant amount of time in the UK and I may do again. I have lots of friends and family there. I have opinions. Wink

Mascotte · 12/04/2020 11:12

I think it really depends how honest you are being about the noise your children make. I think it’s easy sometimes to think your own children are not as noisy as other people think they are stop my children are a little older but I live between two sets of people the children. One family place outside nicely in the garden and I like to hear this and then playing. The other family is constantly running round with the dead chasing them screeching and screaming. This is so loud I can hear it loudly in my house.

Sometimes I just long for a bit of peace to sit in my garden and read my book...

SlightlyHassled · 13/04/2020 22:42

Thanks very much to everyone who's commented, especially those who took the time to read what I'd actually written and answer on that basis. I'd hoped for some different perspectives on the issue to help me reflect about how we do what we do, and this thread has given me that - thank you. I particularly like the suggestion of having specific times of day when we aren't in the garden. That happens very naturally during termtime because we are out of the house for groups and activities which happen at the same time each week, but they've all stopped since the lockdown and not all of them continue during normal holidays.

I was going to reply in more detail to some of the accusations about specifics which just aren't true e.g. that my children are outdoors for 12-14 hours a day, but I don't think that's going to be particularly helpful for anyone, so I'm going to stop here with a thank you for the suggestions and help for me in thinking through this issue. :)

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 14/04/2020 08:39

The other family is constantly running round with the dead chasing them screeching and screaming

Shock that is certainly an unusual way to pass the time.... Grin

WriteAndErase · 14/04/2020 09:05

Mumsnet is a weird place.

We're supposed to put up with cats crapping in our gardens because it's part of living in a community but we're not supposed to put up with children making noise in their own gardens Hmm

Mascotte · 14/04/2020 09:18

@BuzzShitbagBobbly 😱😱😱😳😳😳 it’s not as bad as that.. oops!

Imapotato · 14/04/2020 10:02

Our road this week has been full of the sound of kids playing outdoors. It’s been lovely. We are in an area which is predominantly young families. We’ve been making plenty of noise ourselves, even though our dds are now teens. We’ve had the pool up and there’s been plenty of laughing going on.

Theres only one grumpy neighbour (my immediate neighbour). She hasn’t said anything this time, as DP and I are there and she won’t say a word to an adult. But I’m the past, when DP and I are at work she has shout at my dds to be quiet and told the they have to go inside as they shouldn’t be out, in their own garden! She only uses her garden to smoke in and I have never seen her kids out playing ever! She was also having a screaming match in her garden with her husband, as he’d caught her having an affair. Apparently screaming about your personal life at the top of your lungs in your garden is fine, but my dds laughing while they practice gymnastics if completely unacceptable.

I’d carry on as you are. The weathers warm and you should expect to hear kids enjoying themselves. Your neighbours are just being grumpy.

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