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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let my children play in the garden?

360 replies

SlightlyHassled · 10/04/2020 10:07

Our neighbours have complained about the noise caused by my two boys in our garden. They are age 10 and 7.

They were playing very happily (Top Trumps, as it happens) at the end of the garden furthest away from the house (and the neighbours' house) while I was indoors. I heard one of the neighbours shout, 'Oi!' but since I didn't hear anything else, I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, one of the neighbours yelled my name, then the other did. As I was indoors, and my boys were still playing happily, I just ignored it. A few minutes later one of them came round to say we were too loud and they were unhappy about it. He said I was reading aloud to the children and that he and his wife could hear every word. (I had been reading aloud to my children in the same part of the garden earlier in the afternoon but I wasn't doing so at the point when they complained. I don't think I was doing so any louder than the volume you'd use for a normal conversation.)

I don't think the problem is really me reading to the children. I think the problem is general noise. They have complained to us before on a number occasions about our noisy children. They are retired and don't have grandchildren, and there aren't a lot of other children living near us, so ours are the ones making all the noise that they hear. We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children. We do lots of our structured lessons in the garden, and the neighbours have previously said they don't have a problem with us doing "quiet learning" out there. We don't have a TV and don't use electronic devices much, so our children do a lot of playing outdoors. It's been a long-standing problem, though the neighbours have complained about noise from indoors too. (We are two halves of a semi with only a thin wall between, and we have very echoey acoustics in our kitchen, and an open-plan layout downstairs.)

There isn't any goodwill on their part because they think we don't care and do nothing. The wife told us once she should be able to read a book in her garden at 6pm without hearing our children. They wrote to us once complaining about the noise, and complaining that we never told our children to be quiet. For the next 3 days, I did nothing different from normal but I made a note of every time I asked the boys to be quieter because of the neighbours. I did so 35-40 times a day (!), and that was pretty typical of what I was doing before they complained. We wrote back to the neighbours explaining that, but never had a response.

They don't wake up until 8.30am, and when they complained about noise from the garden before that, we stopped letting the boys out of doors until after 9am, and stopped eating breakfast in the garden. When the neighbours complained about noise from indoors, we spent £500 on sound insulation boards to go against our party wall. Unfortunately when we put the first one up, DS1 and I had an allergic reaction to something in it, and we had to take it off the wall and throw them away. We did tell the neighbours about that.

With garden noise, we always bring the children indoors as soon as they start fighting or stropping or screaming. I understand that people don't want to listen to bickering from over the fence (something else the neighbours have complained about in the past).
My children aren't especially quiet, but I don't think they're especially noisy either. My parents are always telling me how much quieter they are than my brother's 4 boys, for example.

If they're not behaving in an antisocial manner, I think it's fine for my children to be playing in their own garden and that I shouldn't be constantly on their case to play indoors, or to play with hushed voices. AIBU?

OP posts:
CottonSock · 10/04/2020 15:24

Sounds a bit like living next to a school. I think a bit of give and take needed generally.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:24

YABU to tell your children to be quiet in the garden at all. I'm afraid I would have told your neighbours where to go very early in the game.

joan12 · 10/04/2020 15:25

Just tell them you've done your best to compromise and be accomodating and to refer any future noise complaints to the council.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:27

The people next to us have a three-year-old who screams when he tantrums and it really grates when he does it outside, but not as much as the mum and dad talking in loud voices as they performance-parent in the back garden! But I digress. I just wonder if you're louder than you think? What seems to you like a normal level of reading aloud to your DC could be noisier than you think and the sound could carry. I'm not saying you shouldn't go outside, but considering you're at home-learning maybe do lessons like those indoors? It's unfair to expect your neighbours to have to tolerate next door's "school" all day.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 15:27

5zeds, No. Mine could read at that age. Maybe the 7 year old before bed but not outside, no.

Any other time and 'performance parenting' would be bandied about.

We all confined to home/garden and it's difficult for everybody. That should mean that everybody 'makes room' for others, kids too.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:30

Maybe the neighbours just don't like listening to performance parenting.

Performance parenting is a made up expression that comes from people who aren't used to or don't understand normal parent and child interaction and assume parents must be doing it for show.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:32

I'm not saying you shouldn't go outside, but considering you're at home-learning maybe do lessons like those indoors? It's unfair to expect your neighbours to have to tolerate next door's "school" all day.

are you for real?!

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 15:32

By not teaching children to consider the neighbours all you 'fuck them' people who think kids can do as they like, when they like, for as long as they like are doing is setting your kids up for a lifetime of being entitled twats.

Well done for that 👏

zigaziga · 10/04/2020 15:32

Why do children trump everyone else?

They don’t - anyone is entitled to use their gardens during sociable hours. It can be children playing, reading, kicking a football around or adults doing the same or chatting, barbecuing, gardening.. You have to just accept that people are going to actually make use of their own properties.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 15:33

People are such miserable bastards.

Quicklittlenamechange · 10/04/2020 15:33

Theres a woman on my bus in the morning who talks to her friend.
Fine 🤷‍♂️
Except she is incredibly loud and does pause for breath, her friend barely says,a word
Its like being banged around the head.On and on and on !
A man asked her to stop and she went mad.
No doubt her OP would be she was simply having a chat with her friend.
Totally lacking in self awareness

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 15:34

They don’t - anyone is entitled to use their gardens during sociable hours. It can be children playing, reading, kicking a football around or adults doing the same or chatting, barbecuing, gardening.. You have to just accept that people are going to actually make use of their own properties.

Therefore no one should be so loud and annoying and inconsiderate that it means no one else can get reasonable enjoyment from their garden.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:36

*By not teaching children to consider the neighbours all you 'fuck them' people who think kids can do as they like, when they like, for as long as they like are doing is setting your kids up for a lifetime of being entitled twats.

Well done for that 👏*

Entitled twats because they play outside whenever they like and have normal unrestricted lives in their own back garden?

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:36

Elvesdontdomagic

I'm a parent and I have never gone out in the garden with my child and announced at the top of my voice so the neighbours can definitely hear what a good DC they are, aren't they clever, look at how well they are playing with their toys, Mummy/Daddy are so proud etc etc, lots of clapping. That is performance parenting and it is not normal interaction. It's showboating. My NDN are currently experts at it. Hmm

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 15:40

*Maybe the neighbours just don't like listening to performance parenting.
*
Performance parenting is a made up expression that comes from people who aren't used to or don't understand normal parent and child interaction and assume parents must be doing it for show.

I've never heard the flipping expression 'performance parenting' anywhere else other than on Mumsnet.Hmm Hmm

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 15:40

Sorry, I didn't mean to duplicate that emoji there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 15:41

Exactly so, Longwhiskers14, the people who dismiss others by saying that 'they just don't understand', are generally the ones doing it, who have no consideration for anybody other than themselves.

Everybody's freedoms have been curtailed now and there's nowhere to go to get away from noise so a bit of consideration - from all - would probably help.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 15:41

Performing parenting is just an unpleasant stick to beat parents with. Parents trying to do their best for their kids.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 15:42

I'm a parent and I have never gone out in the garden with my child and announced at the top of my voice so the neighbours can definitely hear what a good DC they are, aren't they clever, look at how well they are playing with their toys, Mummy/Daddy are so proud etc etc, lots of clapping. That is performance parenting and it is not normal interaction. It's showboating. My NDN are currently experts at it

Sounds like nice, supportive, encouraging and lovely parenting. If you didn’t do it I feel very sorry for your children! How else do you parent? Sit there in fucking silence and watch your child play? Leave them alone?

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 15:42

Entitled twats because they play outside whenever they like and have normal unrestricted lives in their own back garden?

No, because they don't consider their neighbours with their noise level or length of time that they inflict their noise on everyone else.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:44

LaurieMarlow I refer you to my previous post. Doing your best for your kid is one thing, but performance parenting is that loud, exaggerated, look-at-us commentary some parents like to do on every little thing their DC is doing. You'll know it when you see it!

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 15:45

And no, I don't do it myself. I just genuinely never heard the expression anywhere else except on Mumsnet. Mocking parents who are trying to do their best is very unkind.

We need to be tolerant right now, we're all cooped up inside our house and garden.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 15:45

LaurieMarlow, I''m a parent too and if somebody told me that they could hear me talking to my children or were rolling their eyes or tutting, then I'd give it some thought.

I think some people don't realise how loud they/their children can be. None of that negates that parents are doing their best; they all are.

EverdeRose · 10/04/2020 15:45

As long as they're not screaming or screeching all day I'd let them carry on.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:45

crispysausagerolls Don't be bloody ridiculous. You can parent your child without booming at the top of your voice to do it.

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