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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let my children play in the garden?

360 replies

SlightlyHassled · 10/04/2020 10:07

Our neighbours have complained about the noise caused by my two boys in our garden. They are age 10 and 7.

They were playing very happily (Top Trumps, as it happens) at the end of the garden furthest away from the house (and the neighbours' house) while I was indoors. I heard one of the neighbours shout, 'Oi!' but since I didn't hear anything else, I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, one of the neighbours yelled my name, then the other did. As I was indoors, and my boys were still playing happily, I just ignored it. A few minutes later one of them came round to say we were too loud and they were unhappy about it. He said I was reading aloud to the children and that he and his wife could hear every word. (I had been reading aloud to my children in the same part of the garden earlier in the afternoon but I wasn't doing so at the point when they complained. I don't think I was doing so any louder than the volume you'd use for a normal conversation.)

I don't think the problem is really me reading to the children. I think the problem is general noise. They have complained to us before on a number occasions about our noisy children. They are retired and don't have grandchildren, and there aren't a lot of other children living near us, so ours are the ones making all the noise that they hear. We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children. We do lots of our structured lessons in the garden, and the neighbours have previously said they don't have a problem with us doing "quiet learning" out there. We don't have a TV and don't use electronic devices much, so our children do a lot of playing outdoors. It's been a long-standing problem, though the neighbours have complained about noise from indoors too. (We are two halves of a semi with only a thin wall between, and we have very echoey acoustics in our kitchen, and an open-plan layout downstairs.)

There isn't any goodwill on their part because they think we don't care and do nothing. The wife told us once she should be able to read a book in her garden at 6pm without hearing our children. They wrote to us once complaining about the noise, and complaining that we never told our children to be quiet. For the next 3 days, I did nothing different from normal but I made a note of every time I asked the boys to be quieter because of the neighbours. I did so 35-40 times a day (!), and that was pretty typical of what I was doing before they complained. We wrote back to the neighbours explaining that, but never had a response.

They don't wake up until 8.30am, and when they complained about noise from the garden before that, we stopped letting the boys out of doors until after 9am, and stopped eating breakfast in the garden. When the neighbours complained about noise from indoors, we spent £500 on sound insulation boards to go against our party wall. Unfortunately when we put the first one up, DS1 and I had an allergic reaction to something in it, and we had to take it off the wall and throw them away. We did tell the neighbours about that.

With garden noise, we always bring the children indoors as soon as they start fighting or stropping or screaming. I understand that people don't want to listen to bickering from over the fence (something else the neighbours have complained about in the past).
My children aren't especially quiet, but I don't think they're especially noisy either. My parents are always telling me how much quieter they are than my brother's 4 boys, for example.

If they're not behaving in an antisocial manner, I think it's fine for my children to be playing in their own garden and that I shouldn't be constantly on their case to play indoors, or to play with hushed voices. AIBU?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 20:41

Does reading to children only have a benefit if it's done outside then, Scrimpshaw? Because that is the issue, not the reading to children.

newbingepisodes · 10/04/2020 20:44

Glad we don't live next to your neighbours we are having an extension built and there has been a concrete breaker going for the last two days solidly.
My parents live three street away and said they could hear it 🙈

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 10/04/2020 20:55

That was in response to someone saying reading to your kids is "cringe" , Lying.

JRUIN · 10/04/2020 20:58

Sounds almost like bullying on your neighbours' part. Buy your kids a trumpet, a creaky old trampoline and a couple of loud whistles and let them play out from dawn til dusk to give the miserable sods something real to complain about.

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 21:01

@maryberryslayers They are unreasonable bullies and have no right to stop you enjoying your home and garden

But op is preventing them from enjoying their home and garden, so why is that acceptable? Why should she be allowed to carry on and ignore their request? Her use of the garden and the duration of and noise made does not sound reasonable at all Confused

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 21:02

Reading aloud to your 10 year old kid is cringe 🤷

OlaEliza · 10/04/2020 21:03

For anything other than a bedtime story.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 21:09

Reading aloud to your 10 year old kid is cringe

How sad to think so.

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 21:10

That isn't true, though. She said that she had spoken to her neighbours about the homeschooling in the garden before and they said they were okay about it, about 2 years ago. She listened to the comments on here and was going to rethink.

Anyway, I highly doubt they're reading in the garden all day.

And why is reading aloud to 10 year old DC cringe? What a stupid thing to say. Hmm

VegetableMunge · 10/04/2020 21:12

I dont know whether OPs use of her garden is reasonable, but what's certain is that their expectations aren't.

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 21:16

@LaurieMarlow

I agree, it's really sad. It's a good way of encouraging children to read books.

Plus, it's usually children's shouting that neighbours object to (totally reasonably, it isn't considerate at all). Reading with your parents in the garden surely isn't any louder than simply talking together.

Fromthebirdsnest · 10/04/2020 21:20

Ughh they can't expect your children to be silent all the time how ridiculous! My 4 year old is LOUD my neighbours never complain , I do try my best to keep them quite if our neighbours are relaxing in the garden , and I recently learned that the nurse next door was on night shift this week so I amazon prime her earplugs and nice chocolates and told the children they must be quite however my 4 year old cried all day on her first night I carried him round cuddles him 3rd was a nightmare when I saw her i apologised profusely she told me it's fine x your neighbours are the problem not your children !x

redwinefine · 10/04/2020 21:28

Ignore them. Your kids are making the expected kid noises and they should get over it. They have bought a semi and should expect the normal amount of noise. I say that as someone who lives in a terraced house so know what's normal. What you've described is normal and to be expected.

LouiseCollina · 10/04/2020 21:29

We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children.

I don't think you're taking into account that the way you've chosen to live has meant a very big difference for your neighbours than for most people living beside children. I'm a mother myself living on a terraced row and have families with kids on either side, but the children in those houses have access to televisions, other electronic devices and go to school every day (pre Covid 19 obviously.)

You run a household where your children have 40 hours a week more daytime access to the garden than other children, where it's been assumed as normal for the kids to breakfast in the garden, and to be out there waking people up first thing in the morning. I know you say you've rectified these last points, but of course resentment has built. From your neighbours point of view, the situation is not much better than it ever was. They rise at 8.30 and are listening to your children noisily playing before they've finished their morning coffee. Every day is the weekend living next to you.

To be honest I'd go so far as moving to get away from a family like yours. Don't get me wrong, you could be the loveliest people on the estate for all I know, but there is a limit to the amount of noise I'd be prepared to listen to, and kids with all-day every-day access to the garden who needed to be told to keep it down 35 to 40 times a day? If I was working from home or retired, as these people seem to be - there's just no way, I couldn't live like that.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/04/2020 22:03

What's wrong with the kids being in after 6pm if they've been out since 9am, so neighbours can enjoy their garden in the evening?

After tea why can't they simply have quiet time/read etc before bed.

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 10/04/2020 22:45

Your neighbours ABU. If they are fighting or crying they should be brought inside, if they are screaming and laughing they should be reminded of the neighbours. However, they are kids and should aloud a happy childhood playing in their garden without being constantly reprimanded. Your NDN will never be happy so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

LouiseCollina · 10/04/2020 22:46

What's wrong with the kids being in after 6pm if they've been out since 9am, so neighbours can enjoy their garden in the evening?

That's what I'd like to know. You'd think 9 hours of daily garden access would be enough for any children. I love to garden and, living alongside noisy kids on either side, it's a blessing that my neighbours seem to call them in at a reasonable time most evenings. I mightn't get a whole lot of peace in my garden, but that hour or so on the patio with a good book and a glass of wine really is a blessing. You can forgive irritations when you have that to look forward to. It's called give and take and it's necessary when people are living in close proximity.

Obviously in a house with no television the OP's children won't ever be settling down to watch a film in the evenings. It seems the OP and her husband live in a little bubble where there are very limited forms of entertainment and the kids have been raised to treat the garden like an open air 12-hour-a-day playroom. They don't see that their lifestyle choices place a neverending imposition on their neighbours.

VegetableMunge · 10/04/2020 22:52

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with children being in at 6pm per se. But it's sufficiently reasonable and normal for children to be out after that time that the neighbour's belief she's entitled not to hear any children at all when out reading at that time is ridiculous in an area where there are a number of houses.

Malvinaa81 · 10/04/2020 22:58

Why on earth do you have to read (in a loud voice, it may be) to these children outdoors?

Your neighbourly behaviour sounds quite insufferable, and I don't doubt you have numerous complaints.

In future just send them to school.

tipon · 10/04/2020 23:09

I in a semi and have two DC's 3. & 8. Our neighbours have a one year old. Our gardens aren't huge.

Mine play garden a fair bit but I also bring them in at various points to give our neighbours a break from the noise of my two and a bit of space and time out there alone. My three year old can be particularly loud sometimes and i want them to be able to relax without constant noise.

It's a balance living close together.

JKScot4 · 10/04/2020 23:09

@LouiseCollina
I think you’re spot on.
OP has chosen her home schooling/no tv lifestyle and expects her ndn to accommodate it.
If I was retired/no need for early start I’d be pissed off at noisy kids out in the garden before 8.30am and out shrieking all day that they need told off 35+ times.
OP is painting a picture of her little cherubs learning outdoors as blissful when they’re probably 10 times louder than she realises.
Having limited screens is perfectly fine it won’t corrupt them and it’ll give your ndn a bit of peace.
Stop performance parenting and wind them
in, you sound hellish to live next to.

5zeds · 10/04/2020 23:26

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Reading aloud is part of most families/schools education. It’s how you learn/teach/share literature. Did you never have books read to you in school if your parents didn’t encourage it? How did you manage gcse English Lit without reading aloud???

Krisskrosskiss · 10/04/2020 23:31

If they want absolute silence they need to gp and live in the middle of nowhere on their own.. otherwise this is just life. Unless you are making noise late at night or literally standing outside their house and screaming or playing music at top valume under their windows... then they are being completely unreasonable. Just carry on as you are.

minipie · 10/04/2020 23:36

Sorry OP but I’m with your neighbours.

Sounds like you basically live out in your garden, not just in lockdown but every single day, all day, all the time. You eat meals there and do schoolwork there as well as playing there. And you’re not especially quiet.

I have two noisy children and they are outside a lot at the moment and I’m sure it’s annoying for the neighbours. But my neighbours get breaks. My kids go to school, they watch tv, they eat their meals indoors mostly, they read and do homework indoors.

When do your neighbours get a break?

JKScot4 · 10/04/2020 23:43

I’m always puzzled by the parents who refuse the DC to have screens but are online themselves.

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