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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let my children play in the garden?

360 replies

SlightlyHassled · 10/04/2020 10:07

Our neighbours have complained about the noise caused by my two boys in our garden. They are age 10 and 7.

They were playing very happily (Top Trumps, as it happens) at the end of the garden furthest away from the house (and the neighbours' house) while I was indoors. I heard one of the neighbours shout, 'Oi!' but since I didn't hear anything else, I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, one of the neighbours yelled my name, then the other did. As I was indoors, and my boys were still playing happily, I just ignored it. A few minutes later one of them came round to say we were too loud and they were unhappy about it. He said I was reading aloud to the children and that he and his wife could hear every word. (I had been reading aloud to my children in the same part of the garden earlier in the afternoon but I wasn't doing so at the point when they complained. I don't think I was doing so any louder than the volume you'd use for a normal conversation.)

I don't think the problem is really me reading to the children. I think the problem is general noise. They have complained to us before on a number occasions about our noisy children. They are retired and don't have grandchildren, and there aren't a lot of other children living near us, so ours are the ones making all the noise that they hear. We also home educate and our boys are around and outdoors in the daytime more than the average children. We do lots of our structured lessons in the garden, and the neighbours have previously said they don't have a problem with us doing "quiet learning" out there. We don't have a TV and don't use electronic devices much, so our children do a lot of playing outdoors. It's been a long-standing problem, though the neighbours have complained about noise from indoors too. (We are two halves of a semi with only a thin wall between, and we have very echoey acoustics in our kitchen, and an open-plan layout downstairs.)

There isn't any goodwill on their part because they think we don't care and do nothing. The wife told us once she should be able to read a book in her garden at 6pm without hearing our children. They wrote to us once complaining about the noise, and complaining that we never told our children to be quiet. For the next 3 days, I did nothing different from normal but I made a note of every time I asked the boys to be quieter because of the neighbours. I did so 35-40 times a day (!), and that was pretty typical of what I was doing before they complained. We wrote back to the neighbours explaining that, but never had a response.

They don't wake up until 8.30am, and when they complained about noise from the garden before that, we stopped letting the boys out of doors until after 9am, and stopped eating breakfast in the garden. When the neighbours complained about noise from indoors, we spent £500 on sound insulation boards to go against our party wall. Unfortunately when we put the first one up, DS1 and I had an allergic reaction to something in it, and we had to take it off the wall and throw them away. We did tell the neighbours about that.

With garden noise, we always bring the children indoors as soon as they start fighting or stropping or screaming. I understand that people don't want to listen to bickering from over the fence (something else the neighbours have complained about in the past).
My children aren't especially quiet, but I don't think they're especially noisy either. My parents are always telling me how much quieter they are than my brother's 4 boys, for example.

If they're not behaving in an antisocial manner, I think it's fine for my children to be playing in their own garden and that I shouldn't be constantly on their case to play indoors, or to play with hushed voices. AIBU?

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 10/04/2020 15:46

i don't think i'd like to live next door.
it sounds like a noisy school, but all day every day. and now on lockdown.
what lessons do you give your children in civic responsibility, awareness of and consideration for others.
upbringing of children is basically training them away from being utterly selfish. it is hard work. but when it's not done, we all suffer, they too.

Mittens030869 · 10/04/2020 15:46

Parents can't win. They would be criticised for allowing their DC too much screen time as well.

louise5754 · 10/04/2020 15:48

This would drive me insane. 4-6 every night fair enough but all day everyday? Mine are 7 and 9 and next door are 2 1/2 and 5. No way could I listen to them as often as your neighbours do.

Just let them have a tablet and chill out in their rooms every once in a while.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 15:48

@Longwhiskers14

But your comment wasn’t just about the volume - it was content. No need to be loud, no. But commentary on what they are doing is how they learn! I’m sure that one of the reasons my toddler is not yet two but knows well over 500 words and speaks in 3-4 words sentences is because I never shut the hell up. I genuinely don’t see how else I’m supposed to interact with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think performance parenting exists, but I can’t see how talking to your child in your own garden and telling them they are clever/offering encouragement is it.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:50

Exactly so, Longwhiskers14, the people who dismiss others by saying that 'they just don't understand', are generally the ones doing it, who have no consideration for anybody other than themselves.

Nope! They just don't care what other parents say to their own children and don't have the same resentment of any parenting which sounds positive. The only parents I ever notice are ones who are abusive. It may look twee or weird to you but people clapping toddler's or praising them is perfectly normal behaviour.

OlaEliza normal garden noise is reasonable. Children make a noise, it's what they do! If you have children and a garden then they should use it as much as they want.

Elvesdontdomagic · 10/04/2020 15:52

Just let them have a tablet and chill out in their rooms every once in a while.

Awful advice! No tablets in this house thanks!

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 15:52

Actually I see references to ‘performance parenting’ as nasty attempts to undermine engaged, confident parents. Usually mums, so nicely misogynist into the bargain.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:53

crispysausagerolls Okay, sorry, my description wasn't clear. You're right, what they're saying is normal, but it's the affectation and the booming volume that's not – and the fact that when he tantrums they shut him in the garden and lock the back door, so their Parents of the Year act rings very hollow. But that's a whole different thread and probably why I'm over-sensitive about it right now. Sad

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2020 15:53

Yes that’s what children need right now, more screen time Hmm

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 15:54

and the fact that when he tantrums they shut him in the garden and lock the back door, so their Parents of the Year act rings very hollow

WHAT THE FUCK! Yes, no wonder you don’t like them 😱

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 15:55

It saddens me that people are genuinely suggesting OP encourage her children to have more screen time rather than play outside in the fresh air.

louise5754 · 10/04/2020 15:56

It's not more screen time though they don't seem to have any

Longwhiskers14 · 10/04/2020 15:56

crispysausagerolls Yup. As I said, a whole different thread.

Sockofthefall · 10/04/2020 16:07

I live in a detached house for the last 25 yrs. I had very very noisy boys. I was surrounded by pensioners. Not once did I receive a complaint. Now my neighbours have passed away & there are young families. My children are adults, no grandchildren yet & I love hearing the children. I will always endeavour to pass on the kindness & patience shown by my elderly neighbours to our new neighbours. Therefore my advice would be to tell them to F☆☆k off to the far side of Fuck & remind them that they will be grateful in years to come to your children's generation.
Honestly, ignore, total nobheads !

VegetableMunge · 10/04/2020 16:12

I do wonder how these neighbours would behave if they had perhaps 6 houses within hearing distance, and each of the households were in the garden for a different couple of hours of the day.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 16:16

@vegetablemunge

I find that people like this will only ever complain to nice, non-scary neighbours. They would never complain to their scary neighbours on the other side - big biker blokes revving or the like.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/04/2020 16:20

If its after 9am i dont see a problem

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2020 16:26

*Why is reading aloud distracting?

Fgs some people are miseries. I love hearing kids play outside, why shouldn’t someone sit and read to their kids in the garden? I would think that is homeschooling?*

I don't know how to answer that question if you don't automatically know why reading aloud is distracting. Have you ever tried to watch a tv programme while another plays in the background? Or listen to a song? It just is distracting hearing someone read out loud while you're trying to read yourself.

I already said once upthread, but I really don't get why people saying "I love hearing kids play" negates the fact that a majority of people don't. Other people shouting is a natural thing to dislike, especially if it's all the time.

I wouldn't be bothered if I heard my neighbours reading to their kids in the garden every now and then, however if they were homeschooling and doing a majority of their lessons outside then I would find it annoying, because you're essentially having to listen to someone's entire school day. It's the all day every day bit that's the problem, I can imagine that being very irritating.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 16:30

@aSofaNearYou

I don’t think you can say that the majority of people don’t like hearing children playing - especially as this thread is 84% people agreeing with OP!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 16:33

LaurieMarlow, not at all, I don't see it often but when I do, it's very often men (presumably the dads).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/04/2020 16:34

So black and white on this site. I'm glad I don't experience this in RL with people having to either dote on screaming children - or be told to fuck off. Utterly bizarre.

VegetableMunge · 10/04/2020 16:40

Probably crispy. But let's say they're all equally non-scary and none of them are in the garden more than 2 hours or so a day, but this still means there's never silence from 9 to 9, what would the neighbours do then? This is what I wonder.

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2020 16:41

@crispysausagerolls hardly surprising, this is mumsnet, there's a disproportionate amount of people who find children precious on here compared to the general public.

Majority or not, there an awful lot of people out there (I would say most) who are irritated by children being loud all day, and the fact that someone else likes it doesn't mean it inherently isn't irritating.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 16:41

@VegetableMunge

Good question - what do you think?

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 16:44

@aSofaNearYou but, as @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe says, it’s not black and white, is it? It’s impossible to judge from the OP whether her children are “reasonably” loud or not

We are in a bit of a unique situation. People are stuck at home for weeks on end. Children are hyped up, bored and irritated. Adults are the same. Everyone is on edge. People need to be more patient and understanding. It’s obviously not alright to have children screeching in the garden, but playing normally? If a neighbour doesn’t like that then they need to make sure they live remotely!

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