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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Low blow from nurse?

294 replies

Justabitworried · 10/04/2020 09:34

There's an article in the paper about a mental health nurse who had a note left on her windscreen from a neighbour calling her selfish for leaving the house everyday. Obviously the neighbour was out of order. But her response has riled me:

"I go to work every day supporting our country and have done for many years, while you are clearly spending your days watching me, probably claiming that your employed as a ‘full time mummy’."

AIBU? I'm a SAHM at the moment who used to work for the NHS. I don't think I was a better person when I was in work 'supporting our country'.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 10/04/2020 10:19

If she knows the person who wrote the note then why doesn't the person who wrote the note know she's a nurse?
I know most of my neighbours names but I havent a clue about their occupations.
I found out once we locked down that the guy next door is WFH but I dont know what he does.
In fact we are a row of 12 houses and I dont know the occupation of any if them.
I suspect they wouldnt have a clue what I do either.

Tootyfilou · 10/04/2020 10:20

YABU for linking to the S*n and reading any articles from that racist fascist rag.

Petiolaris · 10/04/2020 10:21

People often have this attitude about SAHM. I’d love to work if I could get a job that paid enough to cover good quality childcare and fitted around it.

Prisonbreak · 10/04/2020 10:21

What she wrote was fine. Being ‘offended’ is a personal thing. If you are offended, that’s your problem and something you need to work on

Liverbird77 · 10/04/2020 10:22

@OhCaptain if you are asking about me specifically then my children aren't at school yet. They don't go to nursery and are with me all the time (well, apart from weekends/bank holidays when care is obviously shared with my husband). When they do go to school or extra curricular activities of course I will still be their mother, but I wouldn't describe it as "full time" in the same way. This is because someone else will have responsibility for them during that time and I will be free to do other things. It's the same when I occasionally take on work. A childminder is responsible for them then.
Of course the relationship between a mother and her children is full time. The practical caring responsibility is not necessarily full time.
As I tried to make clear, I think all choices are valid.
In the original case, the neighbour was out of order but the response was equally so.

ibizarocks · 10/04/2020 10:23

@liverbird77 so whilst these "full time mummy's" children are at school what are the classed as? Unemployed?

Sh05 · 10/04/2020 10:23

I don't think she went to the tabloids. It's lazy journalism where the writer has lifted something from Facebook.
I also agree with many others that she knows full well who the writer is but wanted to shame them further by putting it on her Facebook.
Curtain twitchers are irritating enough in normal times and even more when you don't have a choice in regards to leaving your home

FaFoutis · 10/04/2020 10:23

Justabit makes a good point though - if nurse knows the note-writer calls herself a 'full time mummy', that's much more information than just knowing names.

I think the nurse just has a general dislike of women who stay at home with children (and is stupid enough not to hide it).

EverdeRose · 10/04/2020 10:23

It's the 'fulltimemummy' brigade she's on about not stay at home mum's.

I've got a few of them on Facebook, it's not a dig at people calling themselves stay at home mums, it's about a certain type of woman who is unemployed and considers herself to be a mum 'fulltime' compared to women who work who they view as obviously not giving a shit about their kids.

slashlover · 10/04/2020 10:24

Actually I think if you work, you are not a full time mum.
Let me say that I have no issue with anyone's choices, as long as they are paying for them themselves.
What I mean is that if you are at work, someone else is in loco parents for that time. Someone else is dealing with the tantrums, the clean ups, the constant meal making, the activities, the reading, the changing etc.

So when the kids go to school you stop being a full time parent? If the GPs take the DC overnight then you're not a parent for that time?

MarieQueenofScots · 10/04/2020 10:24

The note had the classic bubble writing of a certain type of thick bint

I write like that.

I never did handwriting at school because I was taken out of that class to do gifted and talented English and Maths. Grin

I still sometimes write like that (the formulation of the “a” and “e” particularly) and I can’t do joined up “properly”.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 10/04/2020 10:25

I just assumed because the nurse discussed it in terms of employment it meant at home full time. I've never seen that term on twitter or on here.

Being a sahm is hard work. But it's not employment. Why would it be a term related to employment? Who is a sahms employer?

If she knows the person who wrote the note then why doesn't the person who wrote the note know she's a nurse?

I dont know my neighbours that well. But I know next door but one both work. Next door, to my left works and the one on my right doesnt. Not a clue what the ones who do work actually do though.

We all see eachother coming and going. Not watching, but I know neighbour to my left, leaves at 6.30am everyday, because I hear her. Next door but one, he is some sort of labourer, because he has a van and is always messing with equipment in the back at weekends on his drive. I see him when I leave.

Next door to my right, rarely goes out at all. Before covid. Because I can always hear him moving about his house at all hours and only see him in the back garden.

Bet non of them know my job but I bet they all know I work

SomethingBlue22 · 10/04/2020 10:26

It's quite easy. Just don't read the s*n.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 10/04/2020 10:27

Actually I think if you work, you are not a full time mum.
Let me say that I have no issue with anyone's choices, as long as they are paying for them themselves.
What I mean is that if you are at work, someone else is in loco parents for that time. Someone else is dealing with the tantrums, the clean ups, the constant meal making, the activities, the reading, the changing etc.

So once your youngest child starts reception you’re just a part time parent? Or does that only apply to people who have under 5s in childcare?

I would also argue that for the vast majority of stay at home parents (male or female) they are not paying for it themselves, their partner is paying for it. So it’s not OK to be a ‘full time parent’ if you’re dependent on benefits?

FaFoutis · 10/04/2020 10:27

It's in the Mirror too.

bewilderedhedgehog · 10/04/2020 10:27

And this is what happens when neighbours start vigilante behaviour and reporting other people. The neighbour was totally out of order to leave a note like that, so not surprising that the nurse responded in kind. My assumption is that fear is making people behave like this, and some people think it has given them power over others e.g. neighbours. What a shame

Original poster
Justabitworried · 10/04/2020 10:27

@OhCaptain Because if she knows the person she is just trying to insult that person in context of the 'full time mummy' Facebook thing.

If she doesn't know who sent it then it seems like she is stereotyping SAHMs, assuming they call themselves full time mummies and have nothing better to do than watch her. If that makes sense.

I have literally never met a SAHM who thinks other mums are wrong for going back to work. But I have met working mums who think we are lazy or not contributing by staying at home. So yes the attitude annoyed me, especially from a mental health nurse.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 10:28

@Liverbird77 ok, so when your children go to school then - you won’t be their mother for the full amount of time?

You’ll be a part time mother. And then what? Unemployed?

Look, some people see mother as a verb. It’s not. You’re always a mother.

And a stay at home mother is not the same as a full time mother. Because not all mothers are stay at home parents, but all mothers are always mothers.

FaFoutis · 10/04/2020 10:29

the attitude annoyed me, especially from a mental health nurse

Agree.

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 10:31

I have literally never met a SAHM who thinks other mums are wrong for going back to work. But I have met working mums who think we are lazy or not contributing by staying at home.

That’s very coincidental! Maybe you were more sensitive to the latter so haven’t noticed the former.

Anyway, like everyone has said she hasn’t said anything about ALL SAHM. Or even SAHM mothers at all! She said people who describe themselves as full time mummies.

If that’s not you then you have zero reason to be offended!

JBFletcherismyaunt · 10/04/2020 10:31

I wouldn’t believe anything you read in The S*n

Shitsgettingcrazy · 10/04/2020 10:31

Actually I think if you work, you are not a full time mum.

Do fuck off. When a child is being looked after by a grandparent, so the parents can go out, decorate their house etc are they all of a sudden not parents for those hours?

When your child goes to school are you not longer a full time parent?

Do working parents go off to work and not have to think, consider their kids at all during the day? Who has to go get the child when they hurt themseleves or dont feel well. Or decide if their photos can be used when taken in childcare or give permission for trips? Surely if these things occur during school or childcare hours, if the parent isnt a parent, then they dont get input?

Surely theres also an argument that the majority of sahp are not paying for it themseleves, their OH is. Especially if not married as money isnt legally joint?

CeibaTree · 10/04/2020 10:32

She doesn't know if a SAHM wrote the note
She probably has a good idea who wrote the note, but can't say who without any proof. I think her response was fine in the circumstances, but it's obviously hit a nerve with you OP.

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2020 10:32

No she's not suggesting there is anything wrong with being a SAMH. It's directed at all the stupid FB stuff about being employed as a "full time Mummy".

Original poster
Justabitworried · 10/04/2020 10:32

@FaFoutis yes exactly what I meant but better articulated.

OP posts: