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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell vulnerable relative they'll just have to make do

266 replies

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:00

A member of my family has learning difficulties, no formal diagnosis but struggles with basic reading/writing and social skills. They have capacity but function mentally much younger than they are. They are elderly.

They cannot and do not budget their money. This makes things difficult because they do have capacity so are expected to be responsible, but responsible they are not.

They called me this morning (2nd week in a row) and said they are running low on food and can I help. They don't bank, they use the post office so I couldn't simply transfer the money over.

Faced with the possibility of them going without until they get paid on Tuesday, I very reluctantly agreed to give them another £20.

I had to visit three different cash points as two were out of service, I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

The same happened last week, they needed £10 which was supposed to be for bread, milk, cereal etc. I suspect they spent it on cigarettes.

I can't and won't do this again, but what do I say when they call me and say they're without food/electric?

I'm anxious and angry because I've put myself and others at risk, but felt obligated as they are telling me they would be without food. I have children at home and a DH who is currently taking unpaid leave, so all of our efforts to stay safe seem pointless if I continue to disregard the rules.

Feel free to give me a hard time, I encourage it. I'm furious with myself and would expect nothing less.

WIBU to say that's it, no more, either budget or go without.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 13/04/2020 12:08

You need to walk away.
Have you had any counselling? Even with her LDs she sounds a moral vacuum who caused you damage and pain throughout life.
If you can get over any FOG you feel then LC/NC would be very healing for you Flowers

MommaDuck · 13/04/2020 13:29

Thank you for your kindness for those who directed towards myself as well as Shrubbish.
There are so many good people left in the world.

Shrubbish I have PM’d you Xx

SadlyMissTaken · 13/04/2020 14:23

These are terribly sad accounts and a damning indictment of social services which should have rescued you Shrubbish. I'm glad you and MommaDuck both have built good lives for yourselves despite such a difficult start. That you are both still supporting your parents is a testament to your own generosity and caring natures. I doubt I would be as generous.

makingmammaries · 13/04/2020 17:17

OP and Mommaduck, kudos to you both. OP, it is fine to refuse her money. Keep offering food, but no cash. Anyone pointing their finger at you should be ashamed. You’re doing your best. Take care.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 13/04/2020 20:11

It's not mopey at all. I think it's brilliant that you feel you can write it out, OP. You should be so proud of yourself and all you've achieved.

I hope you continue to thrive, and heal, and be well.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 13/04/2020 20:14

63 is not elderly!

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 13:01

Thank you for the kind replies, and once again I do apologise for any offence caused by my referring to 63 as elderly. I do realise it's not, I didn't want to be identified at first so kept things vague. I suspect somebody I know uses the website and didn't want to be recognised initially, but not too bothered about that now.

Well she got paid today so I called her to see whether she had put the money to one side that she borrowed. My plan was to get it back as agreed, put half towards our shopping this week and then the remainder would be set aside to buy food for her if she called me up saying she was desperate again.

She then told me she's not giving me it back because "you owe me money remember"

I questioned how that was and she said it's because she gave me a token sum to put towards having my hair done at the hairdressers for my birthday in early March.

Now this is an extreme rarity, I've been to a hair dressers to have my hair done twice in my life. It was a treat I purchased for myself after a horrible year health wise and she, of her own volition, offered to put towards that rather than buying me a gift of her choosing.

Not so naive is she? To come up with that as a reason not to repay.

Tallied up, she was due to repay over £40. Both times I handed money over she explicitly said "don't worry, I'll give you it back when I get paid" and now I've been made to feel like a CF for believing that would be the case.

I told her ok you keep it, but don't call me asking for money when you spend it all.

I've got two children here and my DH is taking unpaid leave to keep us safe, fortunately I've been able to work from home so we still have my income but £40 isn't pennies for us whilst we have to rely on my wage alone.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 14/04/2020 13:04

When someone shows you who they are, listen.

Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to do everything someone wants.

LookStupidInEverything · 14/04/2020 13:07

I told her ok you keep it, but don't call me asking for money when you spend it all.

What did she say to this?

Appuskidu · 14/04/2020 13:07

Wow-there’s a lesson to be learnt there. Sorry, OP-that’s rubbish :(

LookStupidInEverything · 14/04/2020 13:09

This is the kind of thread where I really wish people would read it all before commenting!

I hope you will be treating yourself a lot more when you’re in a position to do so @Shrubbish YOU DESERVE IT! FlowersCakeWine

Nonnymum · 14/04/2020 13:15

I would say. You will do their shopping but you can't help with giving the money any more. If thrrt refuse to let you do the shopping tell them again you can't give them any money.

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 13:16

What did she say to this?

She said that's ok and she won't ask me for any more money.

What she will do in that case is then borrow from another member of the family, as she often does.

I'm really annoyed and have just relayed all of this to DH and asked whether he thinks I'm being unreasonable. He doesn't.

Now I would have helped her regardless as that's the sort of person I am, but it is outright manipulation to preface asking with "I'm going to give you it back when I get paid" isn't it.

This is a good example of how she is, she's perfectly capable of lying and manipulating. I then second guess myself because of her LD's.

I have known a handful of lovely people with LD's and among the ones I know there appears to be an air of innocence about them. That certainly isn't the case with my DM.

As it stands I'm not going to be engaging with her for a while, I will probably soften eventually because I have a bad case of the FOG where she is concerned, but must remind myself to put myself first for once and let somebody else help her.

She's lucky in the sense that there is me and one other who bend over backwards for her. She'll be fine without me.

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 14/04/2020 13:19

63 is not elderly it's not the age thats the problem it's that they have learning difficulties so probably can't really process what is happening, manage their money, or understand the gravity of the situation.

Appuskidu · 14/04/2020 13:20

As it stands I'm not going to be engaging with her for a while, I will probably soften eventually

That is a shame :(

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 13:23

She's just called me back again and said "sorry about the money and that, just calling to say somebody in my building has got the virus"

Brilliant. More worry Sad

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 14/04/2020 13:36

She's full of shit.
She's lying to you cos you've drawn a boundary line re giving her money - and she wants you back on her 'side'.

She knows exactly how to press your buttons to get you spending all your emotional and mental energy 'worrying' over her.....and LD's doesn't mean she's stupid.
She knows exactly how to play you all with her 'poor helpless me' act.

Try some tough love.
Stop lending/giving and let her go without if she claims she's run out.
She'll either prioritise her money or ask someone else - and it's up to them if they enable her.

Butterymuffin · 14/04/2020 13:41

I don't want to sound dismissive but it's not going to be that unusual that someone nearby has the virus. You can't stop that or control it. This really is a serenity prayer moment. Try to let go of that worry. (I also think this is an obvious ploy to get your sympathy and bring you 'back on side' but maybe that's me being cynical)
You also can't control whether the other family member lends her money or not. All you can do is stick to your own boundary and refuse her any more of yours. If she says she is desperate, leave bread, milk, cereal, baked beans on her doorstep as a last resort.

Mustbethewine · 14/04/2020 13:49

Maybe tell them you're struggling to find a functioning ATM and it would be easier for you to shop on their behalf. Offer to pick up essential items only. If they are truly desperate and in need of support they will take you up on your offer, otherwise I'm sure they'll stop hounding you for cash.

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 13:56

You're all very correct in what you say and advise. I need to take control of the situation and maintain my boundaries.

I'm not surprised that a neighbour of hers has it, if they do have it, as we live in London and it is to be expected. I just wish she didn't tell me about it. I'm avoiding the news for the most part and only looking at positive threads where cv is concerned.

Alot of her neighbours genuinely are elderly, late seventies and eighties. She's one of the younger ones.

OP posts:
Thehop · 14/04/2020 13:59

@Shrubbish I doubt she’s telling the truth, she knows how to work you and get you back in side and worried about her.

Will you think about getting some counselling? Would the freedom programme online help strengthen your self esteem and resolve?

You’re Fucking astonishing quite frankly and deserve only good things. I don’t know where you e managed to find the strength to achieve what you have but I couldn’t be more impressed.

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 14:09

Aw thank you thehop, that's very kind

I've actually done the freedom program after the abusive relationship, it was some years ago though.

I've been having counselling for the past 8 months, focussed on the abusive relationship and I've had EMDR for PTSD stemming from my youngests birth trauma. I've purposely ommited to talk about my childhood and situation with my mum, mainly out of embarrassment and being in denial I guess. I agree I would benefit from talking about that specifically.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 14/04/2020 14:21

I think it would be a good idea to chat yo the other person she manipulates. It is not to her benefit to help her like this - they may agree not to give in if they can see that it's doing harm.

Very best of luck.

Shrubbish · 14/04/2020 14:31

Coincidentally I just have, I text them after I had spoken to her on the phone and said she's refused to pay me back what she owed and so she should probably get hold of her on the phone before she spends all of her money as she owes her money too.

It's my auntie.

She has echoed what everybody here has said "do not give her any more money" and thinks what mum had done is totally wrong.

My aunt is quite like me in the sense of always picking up the pieces when mum is short of money or needs help with. I usually get frustrated about my aunt lending her money as mum would complain to me and say how she could ill afford to pay it back etc. and made my aunt out to be unreasonable.

I can now see where she's coming from.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/04/2020 14:38

She's played the two of you off against one another previously. Good that you are becoming more aware of it.

I don’t know where you e managed to find the strength to achieve what you have but I couldn’t be more impressed.

Second this. You may not believe it but you're doing so well.