Has Dsis lost the plot or am I tight? Hen weekend ...

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I know you love a bridezilla so here we go ...
I'm at the start of planning my Dsis hen do and since day one she has wanted one venue for the weekend. She wants it because she saw a social media influencer go there for an event, and I'm being deadly serious.

The place is lovely right enough, all modern and techy and for an extra £400 we can have access to the 'spa' - two eight seat jaccuzis, champagne bar and fridge, 20ft spa pool.

There is a mixed age range - mid twenties through to 60s.
Sister is looking at 2/3 nights and wants to do cocktail making. That is her only ask (other than the venue).

So far I thought about -
Arrival on day 1, drinks in the lodge and games. Pot luck for dinner wher everyone brings a dish.

Day 2 - breakfast, I'd do a homemade afternoon tea, drinks, using the spa, cocktail class in house, games and then pizzas for dinner.

Day 3 - breakfast, pack and tidy and leave.

So far my DSis has 20 guests, the place can sleep more than that which is fine. However, 17 guests will get a double bed and 3 a single. I don't think it's fair to charge the same for those three guests but DSis disagrees.

So for those 2 nights with spa, two breakfasts, one lunch, two dinners, cocktail making and games it would cost roughly £310 if everyone went. People would need to buy their own drink, petrol to get there etc.

I think this is a fucking joke. £310 for what amounts to not a lot of actually doing stuff and forced group games.
My sister thinks it's a great deal.
She even thought about adding another night and a dinner in the local pub for an additional £80 each - £390 plus drink.

I've just stopped speaking to her at the moment.
On top of this she wants her bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, hair and makeup. So before the day 4 of us are looking at £500-£600 in expenses.
She is the type to always want what others have and has picked a venue where a glass of wine is around £7/8, a vodka with no mixer is £6.50 etc. And she cannot afford what she has booked so far and expects parents to pick up the tab.

So how does the MN jury feel -
Yabu - sounds reasonable, leave her alone.
Yabu - money doesn't grow on trees, what a rip off.

Your sis has a lambrini budget but wants a champagne occasion!!
For my friend’s hen do 18 months ago we did a 3 night cruise, all food included (as well as an afternoon tea extra), entertainment provided, taxi to/from Southampton and a day trip ashore for about £350 per person.
This is more than I’d normally spend (however I was involved in the big day so willing to pay) it was an amazing occasion and definitely value for money.
We had 2 per cabin with our own beds and I definitely wouldn’t pay the prices your sis is asking for what you’re getting!

What a party pooper you are. £300 is a standard amount for a hen weekend, and it sounds like pretty much everything is included within that price. Stop being such a bore and do what she wants, it’s her wedding day and her hen do.

For my hen do last year. I just asked my maid of honour to go to Birmingham because that was equal distance for everyone to travel. I said I didn't want anything too expensive because it was more important that people could afford to go and have fun. We had 2 nights with bed and breakfast in a nice hotel , entry to a club on the first night, cocktail making and lunch on the second day at Cuba de revolution which was amazing and my favourite thing, then we had a dreamboys type show (lololol) which was hilarious but fun and entry into another club on the second night. She booked it through a hen party company and think it was about £150 each plus travel and drinks. I was happy to subsidise any that couldn't afford it as it was more important they were they there. I would go to the hens and ask them for a guide budget, give them a couple of options(i.e £350 + travel etc or £150 +travel but not in a fancy lodge) and just arrange it as a surprise for your sister. Honestly it's not gonna matter when the time comes.
I only paid for the dresses and jewellery for my bridesmaids and ask them to buy their own shoes/bags or wear something they already had but I wasn't too fussed on every detail being matchy matchy (again I was prepared to subside some if they were struggling) and only asked them to pay for hair and makeup if they didn't want to do their own( since a couple were pretty good at doing it themselves and the cost does add up) The wedding is slightly more important anyway and I wanted to spend my money making sure all my guests had a great time on the day. Your sister needs to remember that not everyone can afford her expectations and that if she wants the expensive option she would sacrifice perhaps some of her closest friends and family being there because of it.

There’s not everything included though is there. Bring your own dinner for the first night. Sit in a jacuzzi and have some (how much?) champagne. 4 cocktails. Supermarket breakfast, home made afternoon tea for lunch, supermarket (or takeaway?) pizzas for dinner, supermarket breakfast and fuck off home. What’s worth £310 per person in there? And if people drop out the cost goes up per head!

Unless the people invited are used to spending that kind of money on a hen night, I'm not sure there will be too many willing and able to go. My husband did go to a stag weekend but it involved numerous activities as well as accommodation, but, this was just a small group of long time friends with a strong bond. I'd be preparing for a lot of people to say no, and the price rocket up for the rest. Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

Sorry OP I think you’re doing your best on this and I don’t mean to criticise your organising. If you had a budget for doing something with close friends rather than booking a mansion-seen-on-insta and filling it with randoms I bet you’d be able to provide lots more for the money!

Can't you just create an online poll for the guests to answer whether they're still going to attend at that price. Then repeat with the new price once you know how many have dropped out. Then you can take that data to the bride - "only X number of people are happy to pay X amount" & she's not happy then she'll need to find a cheaper venue

Theres no point in getting all up in arms about it- simply say no!

Its comical actually- its like if my best friend requested the faberge egg for her birthday present! I'd just laugh and say no.

Her expectations are clearly completely ridiculous and arrogant but Id simply decline and leave her to get on with it. As people drop out due to the expense she'll have no choice but to admit she's being unreasonable. Thats the only way she'll learn- by people dropping out. Having a go at her wont do anything. Definitely politely decline.

With everything currently going on, nobody can be certain they will have financial security by the end of this. This bride needs to scale back on the expenses or she will be scaling back on friends. If having the honour of being a bridesmaid is going to cost me money I don't mind being dishonoured.

aivilodraw

What a party pooper you are. £300 is a standard amount for a hen weekend, and it sounds like pretty much everything is included within that price. Stop being such a bore and do what she wants, it’s her wedding day and her hen do.

And if she wanted a full week 5 star abroad, expensive meals and entertainments, would that also be OK because she's getting married?

£300 may seem like little to you, but to an awful lot of people that's a massive amount of money and means they will have to do without something. Add on top of that travel and drinks. For those who are bridesmaids as well, add in the cost of dresses, make up, hair, travel & accommodation at the wedding, and you're looking at the total cost that would be many families annual holiday budget.

Then consider if there's more than one person getting married in the same years...

Just did some other maths too. There are 2 8-seat jacuzzi included so seating 16 people, but 20 guests (assuming the bride is one of them). So how do you pick who misses out on the jacuzzi - or do you have a set rota which would totally kill the mood?

Who is doing the tidying up after 15 people make 4 cocktails each.
Who is going to the shops to buy all these breakfast pastry’s?
Who is washing the dishes/putting the dishwasher on?
Where’s the afternoon tea coming from. 15 people x 4 assorted sandwiches. Plus 15 scones, 15 cupcakes, and other assorted stuff. All to be bought, played and served up. By whom?

Fuck that. You’ll be loading the dishwasher and cleaning all weekend.

I had a matron of honour (dsil, she chose her dress) and 2 bridesmaids (young children) . I paid for the dresses, shoes and bags as they were expensive and I'd had final say. I made sure the kids liked them enough to wear them again and therefore became their gift from us. It was our wedding, our choices and our responsibility for costs.

Would be a huge no from me for the cost of the hen.

I've had the conversation before with my dsis when she thought I'd pay £100s for my bridesmaids dress. It's not an easy one to start, but she was fine with it when she realised the bride was supposed to pay and she needed to make that part of her budget. Help practically where you can, but not your responsibility to fund her choices.

What a party pooper you are. £300 is a standard amount for a hen weekend

What planet do you live on aivilodraw? A lot of people will probably not be able to afford to spend £300, or want to spend that much on what sounds like a bit of a non event. It doesn’t include everything either. Have you not read the OP’s posts? Are you the bride(zilla)?

It’s not the cost of it that is the problem per se, more the fact that it doesn’t seem v good value for money. Like the PP have said, I think people would be more willing to spend that kind of money (assuming they have it of course) on actually going somewhere and doing something, not just sitting around at a pretend spa and eating supermarket food. Also agree that 3 night is too long to spend doing not a lot white people who don’t know each other well. Time for a re-think for your Dsis!

No way in hell would I be paying over £300 for a hen party friend or sister or not. But then I am not in a financial position to do so. I also wouldn’t be paying for my own bridesmaids dress unless it was something I could easily use again which is doubtful. I mean...for my best friend or for a sibling I might contribute like £100 towards it but that’s about as far as my budget could stretch. So if paying was expected I wouldn’t be a bridesmaid.

Honestly, you know the group of friends better than any of us here.

It's £310 IF everyone comes (plus the whatever fancy extra addon)? So what are the odds it'll double if/when half declines (and then will the rest be happy to be asked to pay twice as much then)? Plus transport, plus bring food, plus drinks, plus whatever extra meals and activities the bride decides on, plus possible childcare and annual leave (for the attending guest as well as the childcare person?). For my circle of friends this would be way too much (even with advanced notice), for what's on offer.

Also, when you say 17 double beds, does that mean that the whole place occupancy is 34 + 3 more singles? So in essence, you're also paying for all the empty spots (unless it's a set rental price)?

The pot luck/homemade afternoon tea bit sounds problematic (not the idea, I'm guessing you want to cut some costs) in terms of transportation and storage? On top of the so-and-so wont eat this, so-and-so forgot, and so-and-so only brought a 6pack of French Fancies.

And she can't afford any of it herself but expects parents to pick up the tab? And that's before the cost of attending the wedding as well...

I feel bad for you, since you'll be the messenger that gets shot. Repeatedly. By both sides

Sounds very boring.

It sounds dull. A weekend in Centreparcs doing some actives sounds more fun tbh. At least that way everyone would get to choose something they like instead of just going along with it because it is the only thing to do. Could you suggest something like that?

My stepmum had something similar last year, 2 lodges, hot tubs, a buffet the night of arrival and a cocktail making class. It was less than £100 each. Then we all brought some breakfast food and nibbles etc and our drink. It is a bit pricey especially just now when so many are insure of their finances.

I would send an email to the proposed guests saying something along the lines of, "DSIS would like you to come to her hen do in 2021 and is asking me to start making arrangements now so people have time to budget if they want to come. So can you let me know by xx date if you are: a) coming regardless of cost, b) not coming regardless of cost, or c) coming up to a max budget of £xx (and get them to state their budget). Then see what responses you get.

My bet is that people will go for b) or c) and put lower budgets than £300+
You can then present DSIS with a proposed hen do based on people's ability to come, not her unrealistic expectations.

None of the food sounds that great to be honest, all very carb-heavy and easy to end up being the person who doesn't eat much if you happen to be the last one to the table - perhaps I am just unlucky but I always find myself starving after buffet-type lunches! For £300 I would expect at least one proper restaurant meal over the weekend and definitely not to bring any food myself. Trying to cook something whilst packing to go away sounds like a disaster waiting to happen!

I've spoke to DSis, shown some other options and the lodge is out the question - self catering apartments as part of a luxury hotel, DB&B for two night plus spa access for £200odd; 2 night B&B UK city break with things like cocktail making, afternoon tea, bar/club entry for not much more and so on. Highlighting the more for your money elsewhere.

Told her the lodge isn't happening, I'm not happy to organise it and ask for that much money. Asked her to tell me if she wants a relaxed weekend, a going out weekend or a mix of both. Told her to leave it with me and that's it.

Good decision. Take control and only do what you are happy to organise.

P.S. if it is two nights, don't be afraid to plan in a bit of free time for people. You might not want to be all together for that amount of time, just in case tempers fray.

In this economic climate it's really unwise to organise any big blowout and expect people to spend big money on someone else's celebration. A lot of people are going to suffer financial, lose jobs, have to relocate for work. Asking people to pay out for more than a night out and a few drinks is pisstaking.