Has Dsis lost the plot or am I tight? Hen weekend ...

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I know you love a bridezilla so here we go ...
I'm at the start of planning my Dsis hen do and since day one she has wanted one venue for the weekend. She wants it because she saw a social media influencer go there for an event, and I'm being deadly serious.

The place is lovely right enough, all modern and techy and for an extra £400 we can have access to the 'spa' - two eight seat jaccuzis, champagne bar and fridge, 20ft spa pool.

There is a mixed age range - mid twenties through to 60s.
Sister is looking at 2/3 nights and wants to do cocktail making. That is her only ask (other than the venue).

So far I thought about -
Arrival on day 1, drinks in the lodge and games. Pot luck for dinner wher everyone brings a dish.

Day 2 - breakfast, I'd do a homemade afternoon tea, drinks, using the spa, cocktail class in house, games and then pizzas for dinner.

Day 3 - breakfast, pack and tidy and leave.

So far my DSis has 20 guests, the place can sleep more than that which is fine. However, 17 guests will get a double bed and 3 a single. I don't think it's fair to charge the same for those three guests but DSis disagrees.

So for those 2 nights with spa, two breakfasts, one lunch, two dinners, cocktail making and games it would cost roughly £310 if everyone went. People would need to buy their own drink, petrol to get there etc.

I think this is a fucking joke. £310 for what amounts to not a lot of actually doing stuff and forced group games.
My sister thinks it's a great deal.
She even thought about adding another night and a dinner in the local pub for an additional £80 each - £390 plus drink.

I've just stopped speaking to her at the moment.
On top of this she wants her bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, hair and makeup. So before the day 4 of us are looking at £500-£600 in expenses.
She is the type to always want what others have and has picked a venue where a glass of wine is around £7/8, a vodka with no mixer is £6.50 etc. And she cannot afford what she has booked so far and expects parents to pick up the tab.

So how does the MN jury feel -
Yabu - sounds reasonable, leave her alone.
Yabu - money doesn't grow on trees, what a rip off.

Yanbu at all what happened to a hen do where a nice meal at a restaurant and a few drinks was enough?

Far too much.

I love a hen weekend...went on one recently for 2 nights to a massive lodge with swimming pool etc with 16 people, very swish...and that was £120 each.

£350 was the cost of 3 days in Marbella on a weekend hen I went on last year. No way would I pay that for a UK piss up!

You won’t come out of this well by telling her what a spoiled diva she’s being. Better to try to persuade her to take pity on guests who can’t afford to keep up, and how nice it would be not to make anyone feel bad because they can’t afford to join in, especially as a three-night hen do means people having to take 2days off work and potentially losing earnings on top of the actual cost.

You’ve got quite a range of ages too. Does everyone know each other? Luckily I have managed to avoid most hen nights/weekends, must move in very boring/tight circles! I would hate to have to spend a weekend with a group of people I didn’t really know and probably don’t have much in common with.

As others have said many people won’t be able to afford it or won’t be prioritising any spare cash at the moment to go on a hen do.

We may start to see the return of a very simplistic hen night.

I could afford it, but I wouldn't pay it.

Who would?

I’d hesitate to pay it if I was going away with good friends. I definitely would not pay it to go away with a group of people I didn’t know. I’d go for one night to support my friend but absolutely wouldn’t stay a second night. It would be a nightmare for me.

In addition, then pay to attend the wedding - £150 wedding gift, babysitter £100+, dress £100, hair £50, drinks on the day - who knows £, possibly accommodation too that would increase the cost of the babysitter £££.

I’d have to make excuses for the hen weekend in order to attend the wedding tbh.

Just don't book anything without all of the deposits in your bank first.

Is it really expected to spend £150 on a wedding gift theschool?

You must move in wealthy circles.

'Everything is provisional. There's a pandemic going on. Who knows whether this can even happen? Who knows which of us will have jobs and can afford it? Do you know what their cancellation and refund policy is?'

Hang on did you say amongst that number of proposed invitees there are people your sister wouldn’t see on a one to one basis ? So it’s like rent-a crowd then ?
I’m quite old and part of the era where you just had a good night out , when I read about these kinds of things I realise how out of step I am with the times but am also relieved not be mentally engaged in such a vacuous, meaningless way of living

She did say she was inviting people she wouldn't on a normal night out. I don't understand this unless say it's the groom's sister who you don't know very well.

I could afford it but would decline. Who wants to go to what is obviously a nice venue but not have luxurious food etc. Especially for you OP, how are you going to make afternoon tea for everyone. You'll be rushed off your feet and having a horrid time and sis will be demanding why you aren't joining in (you'll be too busy prepping, waiting on people and clearing up).

Games and cocktail making would bore me unless with my group of very close six girlfriends. With a big group who aren't familiar with everyone it is hard to make games work. Cocktails are overrated but only in my opinion!

Is it really expected to spend £150 on a wedding gift theschool?

I haven’t been to a wedding in eight years. When we last had a small cluster of them, the standard gift was €200 per couple attending or €150 if attending on your own. If not good friends of the couple, I always gave £150 if attending with DH or £100 if going on my own.

Not wealthy circles at all. It is a good reason we decline invitations. It is probably way more nowadays.

The last wedding we went to was 10 years ago. We gave the couple £50, which wasn't considered stingy. We have been invited to an evening do next month, but I expect that will be cancelled. I'm not sure what kind of gift would be expected of us if it went ahead.

I’ve no idea Ginfordinner.

The wedding receptions are usually in four star hotels.
I suppose the ‘reasoning‘ of the gift amount is to cover the cost of the meal x 2, the champagne reception and have enough left over for the couple to have a gift.

My head tells me to give what you can afford, you are there to celebrate with the couple etc etc. The reality is there are expectations. What we give/gave is probably the lower end.

DH went to one wedding of a very good friend and clubbed together to buy the gift and it was £250 per person. He was embarrassed afterwards when he realised many of the others had paid upwards of £400 and ‘subsidised’ his amount as they knew he wasn’t in a position to give more. That was the exception rather than the rule though.

My idea of hell, being stuck with a load of people you have nothing in common with and probably don’t know. Whilst all having to make a fuss of the bride and pretend to have fun.

That is too much money, and she is unreasonable to think that talking about it now gives people enough time to save. For a lot of people they will be struggling for at least the next year and to be honest a number of them might rather save the money and go away with their own family or friends.

I would not organise anything just now and wait and see how things are next year. On a separate note if she can’t afford the wedding that she wants if I was your parents or the grooms parents I would not be paying for it!

I would assume it's not happening until after this is all over. Certainly don't go handing over any money. Wait until you see if the business is still there, and what everyone's circumstances are list Corona

That would be my monthly budget for food, travel, lighting & heating, and any going out, blown in a weekend, leaving the costs of attending the wedding itself aside. I don't drink, but I'm sure I'd be expected to contribute to that (happened before) plus cocktail making session would be wasted on me.

For many people, it would take them a whole year of scrimping to save up enough for this one person's wedding & hen do.

I think as a PP suggested you need to speak to the group and it include your sister.
You need to spell it out to them as simply as possible what they are getting for the money.
Make it especially clear that no food/travel or alcohol is included so these are additional costs and the spa does not involve any treatments at all.
Then see what people say.
Alternatively speak to them all with it your sister involved and ask them what a realistic budget is for them and work with that.
Just because some Z list influencer went there doesn't mean anything and if that's the reason for your sister wanting to make her friends pay a fortune for a completely dull hen do then she is very shallow and I dread to think what she will spend on the wedding.
If she insists on going ahead I think you should decline to arrange it.
You will spend 1 day of it at least just sorting the afternoon tea out for people.
Say to her I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable asking people for that sort of money for doing nothing and you won't arrange any of it, because it will be you that's stuck paying the rest when people pull out after realising they could have had a week in the sun for what she's expecting them to pay!
The best hen do's I've been on have been simple.
Afternoon tea with a few drinks after for those who wanted to go, a tapas meal with exclusive use of the room for 3 hours and the best thing is they were affordable for everyone and nobody had to participate in games and sleep over with a bunch of strangers!

I'd probably pay £310 for a close friend if I had enough notice. Is it more if anyone drops out? I wouldn't want to be adding any extras to that though such as meals out. I wouldn't care about the single bed. I totally disagree with making bridesmaid pay for their own dress, hair and makeup though - if you can't afford it, only have 1 or none...

I'd be giving no more than £50 for a wedding present though - if that tbh

Hen dos and stag dos all so expensive now always a weekend just used to be a night out . Also never used to be thing iN UK to get bridesmaid to pay for there dresses etc but reading more and more are doing this .

YANBU. Sounds like my idea of hell tbh.

Very cheeky to give people “time to save up” It’s not up to the bride to tell people what to save their money towards. They might need to save for their own family holiday or for improvements to their house. Not to have their funds allocated by her to spending on her hen do.

Say no. Simples.

Fuck that go to Benidorm! Waayyyy cheaper and more fun AND suitbale for ALL ages