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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has Dsis lost the plot or am I tight? Hen weekend ...

260 replies

PixiePowered · 09/04/2020 13:58

I know you love a bridezilla so here we go ...
I'm at the start of planning my Dsis hen do and since day one she has wanted one venue for the weekend. She wants it because she saw a social media influencer go there for an event, and I'm being deadly serious.

The place is lovely right enough, all modern and techy and for an extra £400 we can have access to the 'spa' - two eight seat jaccuzis, champagne bar and fridge, 20ft spa pool.

There is a mixed age range - mid twenties through to 60s.
Sister is looking at 2/3 nights and wants to do cocktail making. That is her only ask (other than the venue).

So far I thought about -
Arrival on day 1, drinks in the lodge and games. Pot luck for dinner wher everyone brings a dish.

Day 2 - breakfast, I'd do a homemade afternoon tea, drinks, using the spa, cocktail class in house, games and then pizzas for dinner.

Day 3 - breakfast, pack and tidy and leave.

So far my DSis has 20 guests, the place can sleep more than that which is fine. However, 17 guests will get a double bed and 3 a single. I don't think it's fair to charge the same for those three guests but DSis disagrees.

So for those 2 nights with spa, two breakfasts, one lunch, two dinners, cocktail making and games it would cost roughly £310 if everyone went. People would need to buy their own drink, petrol to get there etc.

I think this is a fucking joke. £310 for what amounts to not a lot of actually doing stuff and forced group games.
My sister thinks it's a great deal.
She even thought about adding another night and a dinner in the local pub for an additional £80 each - £390 plus drink.

I've just stopped speaking to her at the moment.
On top of this she wants her bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, hair and makeup. So before the day 4 of us are looking at £500-£600 in expenses.
She is the type to always want what others have and has picked a venue where a glass of wine is around £7/8, a vodka with no mixer is £6.50 etc. And she cannot afford what she has booked so far and expects parents to pick up the tab.

So how does the MN jury feel -
Yabu - sounds reasonable, leave her alone.
Yabu - money doesn't grow on trees, what a rip off.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/04/2020 19:27

So for those 2 nights with spa, two breakfasts, one lunch, two dinners, cocktail making and games it would cost roughly £310 if everyone went.

Two self-catering breakfasts?
One homemade afternoon tea.
Two dinners, one self-catering and one pizzas.

That's an awful lot of money each for self-catering weekend!

When is the hen supposed to be? When the global depression hits after Corona she might find that not everyone will have £300-400 pounds to throw away on a self-catering weekend!

Original poster
PixiePowered · 09/04/2020 19:43

It's a ridiculous amount of money for what it is.
The idea of a weekend like that makes me want to say to her, I'll arrange it - I'm not going and you can pay the cost of anyone who doesn't come.

OP posts:
Boshmama · 09/04/2020 19:44

I think that yabu sorry! I would be so happy if I only had to spend that much on a hen do!! I've never spent less than £500

StealthMama · 09/04/2020 21:15

Yanbu

If it included all drinks they maybe, it would still be pricey.
But it doesn't.

If she let you actually research it you'd get something similar for a better deal. I had a 5* barn conversion house, with separate indoor swimming pool and jacuzzi.

Friday night, drinks, 'swimming pool olympics' followed by pizza dinner and lots of drinks. Sat half went canoeing half had manicures at the house. All met at pub for lunch and drinks, sat eve got dressed up and caterers came to house. Sunday breakfast, pack up and left.

There were 14 and it was £150 each. Only additional Cost was pub lunch/afternoon drinks out.

It was amaze :) key is actually having people there- rather than a half empty expensive lodge, or something people resent you for cos of cost.

Standrewsschool · 09/04/2020 21:17

If you arrange it, I wouldn't be the one paying out deposits. You could be out of pocket when people don’t pay up.

Grumpos · 09/04/2020 21:45

Sorry if this has been said - have skim read, but get the guest list and send them the suggested details including the costs and ask for provisional numbers.
Once half of them drop out you can tell Sis that she’ll not be having hardly any one at the party if she doesn’t give her head a shake.

It’s disgusting to expect people to spend 400-500£ (when you factor in own drinks, petrol etc). How self indulgent can you get! IF it was a top notch weekend in a gorgeous hotel with events and lovely food in a beautiful city then maybe yes (if your friendship group were that way inclined) but in the current climate it’s outrageous.

Grumpos · 09/04/2020 21:49

I should add that I’d pay this for a very good friend or sister if I could afford it as it’s a special event (and hopefully a one off) but I would never ask the randoms like friends from work, MIL, cousins etc. Unless her guest list is made up of all super close friends and family she’s being even more unreasonable imo

fuckinghellthisshit · 09/04/2020 22:00

In the current climate the place may sell up or go bust - whatever you do don't pay anything out up front!

1Morewineplease · 09/04/2020 22:01

That sounds so wasteful. Do people really expect people to find that sort of money for a drinks weekend? Is this normal? Blimey

Newkitchen123 · 09/04/2020 22:07

Bloody ridiculous
These people who are paying say 400 plus for the weekend will also need an outfit hair do etc plus a gift for the wedding.
Lunacy
Pretentious
I'm guessing she'll be the type to be offended if people don't go
People just haven't got that kind of money in this current situation

AJTracey · 09/04/2020 22:17

Id expect a trip abroad or weekend in London for that price plus spending money. If you can’t afford to pay for your own bridesmaids, don’t have any! She is tight, not you!

REdReDRE · 09/04/2020 22:25

My max spend on a hen do is £150 all in (including meals out/drinks/travel/accommodation) so i'd politely decline but I know others would go.

pachyderm · 09/04/2020 22:55

Christ. Another fogey here but I can't believe the uncritical acceptance that this is just how it is now and we shouldn't be surprised that what used to be a boozy night out with your friends is now a three day blingfest with jacuzzis and 5 star resorts and exotic locations? What an absolute load of bollocks. It's supposed to be about fun and friendship and marking a big change in your life. This sounds like it has none of those.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2020 22:59

My hen do cost £40 per person and was fucking awesome. It’s not about the venue or the ‘look’ - it’s about being happy, enjoying the people you’re with and having fun. Not insta worthy pictures.

Your DSis is being stupid and I’d have genuinely no part in it if I were you.

Imohsotired · 09/04/2020 23:08

It depends on the group and if the venue is worth it. I do girls trips like this with two of my groups of friends but it only works because everyone has similar circumstances.

Fromthebirdsnest · 09/04/2020 23:10

Yanbu ! That's ridiculous ! For our joint hen/stag we rented a massive house by the beach for the weekend (13 bedroom , hot tub , swimming pool etc etc ) there was about 20ish of us , we paid for the house but everyone else paid for the booze and food split equally (we also brought a case of champagne) it was brilliant , we had antipasti style meals in the evening and a bbq , we had a big breakfast in the morning went to the beach together generally go drunk and had an ace time , it was expensive but not really for our guests , if you want a big hen do then don't expect your guests to pay , and the not paying for the dresses , hair and make-up is ridiculous ! If you can't afford it then scale down , I'm sorry topics been out in such an awkward position , asking for £500/£600 off people to go to weddings/hen dos is bloody awfull! X

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 09/04/2020 23:11

Every hen do I've been invited to has been £500+. I've had to decline every one. Which was really sad because all the women in question were very good long term friends. It definitely hurt that they chose to have a flashy party over making it an event everyone could attend. Anyway, yanbu, your sister is dreaming of she thinks all her guests will show up for that amount of money.

FinallyHere · 09/04/2020 23:19

Would it be possible to canvass opinion amongst the people invited. Explain exactly as you have here and see what everybody thinks. That would give you some idea of how many takers, though I would still allow for a few to drop out.

Either you get lots of yes (though still take the full amount up front ) or she gets to see how few takers there will be.

All the best.

Hollyhobbi · 09/04/2020 23:30

When is she planning to have this hen weekend?

Ineedflour · 09/04/2020 23:33

I wouldn't get as far as worrying about the cost, I'd decline as it sounds grim!

badg3r · 09/04/2020 23:42

I think an honest conversation about what will happen to cost if people can't come is needed. If she is so adamant that everyone will come, is she happy to pay the deposits etc? Or could you rent the place for less time? Will people be travelling far? I went to a bed do like this before, it was fun but it ended up being really expensive because on top of the food and cost of the accommodation we also had to rent a car and it ended up being ££££

Holothane · 10/04/2020 00:04

No way would I go to that too costly for a start don’t drink games yuck. Sorry that’s just me.

GreenTulips · 10/04/2020 00:14

Do you have a list of invitees?

Can you price up X Y and Z send links and ask opinions on what they I would consider attending?

Might give her some perspective

Lalala205 · 10/04/2020 00:19

Tell her to naff off and grow up. Out of curiosity will she be paying for her own portion or is that factored in to everyone elses share?..... I'm betting the latter 🙄

onlinelinda · 10/04/2020 00:25

She's a spoiled brat. Seriously, these weddings where guests and friends are expected to shell out silly money so that the bride can get whatever experience she happens to drum up, are insane. Obviously I'm getting old, because I just shake my head in disbelief at the sheer self indulgence and rudeness of it, let alone lack of consideration for others with young families and fewer funds.