Am I in the wrong here regarding slapping?

[Turniptracker]

Prepared to be told I am.
I was getting ready today and my partner doesn't have work today so is lying in bed. I have been enjoying just wearing comfy leggings while home (unsure if this is remotely relevant). As I am talking to him he takes it upon himself to smack me on the ass. I know some people like this, but I actually really hate it, I've never found it sexy or appealing and it stung. So I turned round and slapped him on the arm. He looked so taken aback. And I said why should you be able to just hit me with no reaction?
He is now in an absolute upset strop. I'm so sick of slapping on the ass being seen as absolutely acceptable hitting but anything else is despicable.

Equally here, the op wasn't at risk, she doesn't say that she feared for her safety just that she was annoyed at what he did, so she had no reason to hit back

Well, that clarifies your position. You think if saying, 'stop hitting me' doesn't work, people should accept being persistently hit, because that is better than hitting back

(And in response to your previous question to me, yes, I think it is quite likely that OP hitting her husband on the arm will stop him from hitting her again. She said herself, he was really taken aback by it. Bullies usually are when they find their passive victim has stopped being passive, and those sort of bullies, in my experience, often do stop then).

should have said
Well, that clarifies your position. You think if saying, 'stop hitting me' doesn't work, people should accept being persistently hit, as long as they are not getting broken bones or at risk of death or some such, because that is better than hitting back

Serves him right. Maybe he'll finally learn to stop randomly slapping you.

@ITasteSpring
It's context dependent and really depends on what you want out of a given interaction. That's definitely a good course of action in some circumstances, but in a romantic relationship it's generally a terrible idea to introduce physical violence as a method of discouraging behaviour that you don't like.
This is one of those cases where a gender reversal would probably be seen as wholly unacceptable by the vast majority of people, so it's a bit weird to see it here.

Its generally also a terrible idea to keep hitting your partner and not expect them to finally snap and respond in kind.

Tbh if there were a post where a man said his wife repeatedly hit him, and he asked her to stop but she kept on hitting him, and finally he hit her back with equal force, I expect a lot of people would understand why he did what he did. I think the sexism is in the fact that we are so accultured to men hitting women in this low level fashion, that when a woman finally retaliates, she is the one who gets criticised for doing something wrong, rather than the focus firmly remaining the the man who has been hitting her over a prolonged period of time.

I know you don't like it but I think to him he's trying to show you he finds you attractive. X

I know you don't like it but I think to him he's trying to show you he finds you attractive

And?

That's the facile response my daughter got when a boy kept on pulling her hair and hitting her, and she was supposed to be flattered?

It's not okay in small children, and it's even less okay in grown adults.

It does not make it in any way, shape or form acceptable, particularly when the slapper has already been robustly informed that this way of 'trying to show you he finds you attractive' is not acceptable to the recipient.

I know you don't like it but I think to him he's trying to show you he finds you attractive

You'd think in this day and age men would've evolved enough to show that without slapping in general and butts in particular.

@copperoliver

Right, so you think men show women they find them attractive by repeatedly doing things to women that they have told them they hate, including hitting?
I saw an excellent video by a guy who said he had just heard a little girl crying because a boy in her class was being mean to her and her mom said ' ah its because he likes you'. And this guy was saying NO do not teach your daughters to accept shitty behaviour from men, because it means they like you. Men who really like you and respect you don't do this.

Quite right. Yet here are some adult women on a site for women, telling other women that your man is doing something to you that you have told him you hate because he likes you.

I despair. I really do.

I know you don't like it but I think to him he's trying to show you he finds you attractive
Maybe he should use his words instead of the forceful flat of his hand, so hard that it stung?

You think if saying, 'stop hitting me' doesn't work, people should accept being persistently hit, because that is better than hitting back

No, I think if someone is treating you in a way that you don't like then you end the relationship.

I know you don't like it but I think to him he's trying to show you he finds you attractive.

Jesus fucking Christ. I've heard it all now.

@ITasteSpring
Then you make it unequivocally clear that it's an issue or you exit the relationship.

I would also generally advise someone to end a relationship if their partner is comfortable hitting them in anger.

Neither of them seems to be doing this so if in the future she is doing something he finds objectionable and he feels he has given her enough warning that it's unacceptable, there is now a precedent in their relationship that hitting is an acceptable way of driving that point home.

If you think there should be more nuance accepted in this situation, I'm sure he felt the same when she hit him.

I think if you’ve told him more than once you don’t like it and he’s ignored you to the point where you have to hit him back to get your point across then this guy probably isn’t the type of person you should be in a relationship with.

No way...absolutely not on! DH and I are playful and affectionate, so we often give a light bum slap when walking past, whatever, HOWEVER, if I ever told him to stop doing and he carried on (or vice versa) , I would be furious! YANBU OP, that's really upsetting.

Then you make it unequivocally clear that it's an issue or you exit the relationship

Ah yes, the mumsnet world where everything is a clear binary, no-one lives messy confused lives and all responses need to reflect the crystal clear binary world, not the reality the poster lives in.

Look, clearly there are a subset of men a women who feel this sort of hitting is ok. As this post has shown, there is quite a big cultural acceptance of this (wrongly name) 'playful' hitting of woman on the arse. This makes it difficult for people to assert boundaries, because they doubt that their emotional reactions to the hitting t are legitimate or proportionate, let alone ones of the 'stop or I will walk' type.

What people are doing on this thread is affirming to OP that she is not wrong to feel and act so strongly, after such a length of provocation. It is for her to decide what she does next.

in the future she is doing something he finds objectionable and he feels he has given her enough warning that it's unacceptable, there is now a precedent in their relationship that hitting is an acceptable way of driving that point home
Only a violent abuser could think that this action from OP (a defence from being repeatedly hit) could justify a man in hitting his partner because she say, kept moving his record collection. I genuinely find that quite a disturbing comment you made there. It's like you are laying the blame on OP for any future domestic abuse she may suffer.

What people are doing on this thread is affirming to OP that she is not wrong to feel and act so strongly, after such a length of provocation. It is for her to decide what she does next.

I'm not telling op what he did is right. I'm saying that two wrongs don't make a right. If the relationship has descended into tit for tat hitting then it's probably a good idea to consider leaving.

@Turquoiseeyes yes, you should have because RTFT means read the full thread, not read the fucking thread 🙄

Only a violent abuser could think that this action from OP (a defence from being repeatedly hit) could justify a man in hitting his partner because she say, kept moving his record collection. I genuinely find that quite a disturbing comment you made there. It's like you are laying the blame on OP for any future domestic abuse she may suffer.

That's a pretty odd statement. You're being disturbed by a scenario you completely made up, so what has that got to do with me?

I'm saying that I think it's ridiculous for someone to think it's ok to hit their partner because they're doing something they find irritating. You're acting as if there is an objective boundary where it's ok to hit your partner in anger. I would say if they're putting themselves or someone else in immediate physical danger and that's the best course of action, go for it. Anything else probably isn't and only becomes normal in a relationship when those involved make it normal and she's just made hitting her husband a "normal" response to being annoyed at him.

That's a pretty odd statement. You're being disturbed by a scenario you completely made up, so what has that got to do with me?

Er no, you explicitly stated that OP's actions had set a precedent where her partner would feel justified in hitting her if she repeatedly did something he didn't want her to. All I did was give an illustrative example to show how offensive your position is. It doesn't really matter what the example is - your position blames OP for any domestic violence she may suffer in the future at the hands of this man - because she 'set the precedent.'

OP, Ibviously if you’ve told him you cunt like it then he should have taken it on board. But obviously, there’s a difference between your DH lightly tapping your bum as a sign of affection and really whacking it. The former is fairly common, I’d say. Mine does this most days tbh. But it’s not hitting someone, any more than giving someone a pat in the back or something like this. It’s not domestic violence, put it that way. But if you don’t like it, fair enough.

Er no, you explicitly stated that OP's actions had set a precedent where her partner would feel justified in hitting her if she repeatedly did something he didn't want her to. All I did was give an illustrative example to show how offensive your position is. It doesn't really matter what the example is - your position blames OP for any domestic violence she may suffer in the future at the hands of this man - because she 'set the precedent.'

I don't think you know what the word explicitly means, because indefinitely did not explicitly say that.

Feel free to quote the part you think meant that, and I'll try to explain in a way you can understand.

DON’T like it!! So sorry for very unfortunate autocorrect.

If my DH smacked me on the arse, he'd be picking his teeth out the front garden. He knows that. He knows that without me ever having had to state it. If he had done it, he would have been firmly told, with no room for confusion, that this would be what happened if he ever slapped, or smacked, or 'patted' or 'tapped' my arse again. For whatever reason, even if he meant it as some neanderthal like compliment, and for whatever reason had lost both his reason and his words.

So in this instance, if I were OP, when DH came back, and had recovered sufficiently from getting like served with like that we could have a discussion, I would be saying to him that now he knows what it feels like to be slapped, for whatever reason, and I've made it very bloody clear to him I don't like it, and if he doesn't like it, he'd better not bloody do it again. If he feels that he cannot respect me and my boundaries and keep his slappy little mitts to himself, then I'll be seriously contemplating terminating the relationship.

So I need an undertaking from him that now he understands that I don't like being slapped, for whatever reason, on any part of my anatomy, and that he will never do it again.

@Pinkblueberry - I don’t know if you are aware, but you can highlight all the posts by the OP of a thread. If you click on the v next to Talk, at the top of the page, and go to Customise, you can select a coloured background for all the OP’s posts - that makes it so much easier to spot updates from the OP that might clarify or expand on the original post (because none of us are perfect, and it isn’t u usual for people to forget a bit of information, even vital information, in their OP).